Alright next chapter. I don't think there are going to be that many chapters left actually but I don't really have an exact number. Need to figure out a suiting ending first hehe, and that's hard given how messed up this whole story is. Maybe I still should do something evil….
Chapter 20: growing
"Master Splinter?"
He comes closer, leaning heavily on his walking stick. His face is more wrinkled than how I remember it to be and he seems to have a slightly troubled breathing when he stands next to my bed. His eyes are narrowed in thought and worry but underneath the obvious troubled expression, there is still a warm glint in his eyes which always has been there. He is still our father, just older. Much older than a man, even if he's a mutant, should become in three years.
"How are you, my son? Donatello informed me of your predicament and your wounds. I, as well as your brothers, feared for your life."
I shrug indifferently, enjoying the small pinch of comfort that comes with my father's gentle words. How much I've missed his voice calling me his son. It's the same voice that taught us ninjutsu, lectured us when we were behaving badly and told us stories when we didn't have a television yet.
"I'm alright, father. Just a little banged up I guess."
He nods thoughtfully but doesn't reply. I think he knows as well as I do that 'a little banged up' is the understatement of the year. He looks me over once before taking a few steps back and sitting in Don's swivelling chair. He leans his walking stick against the wall and I can see noticeable cracks running through it.
Master Splinter has always found two purposes for it, a walking-aid and a weapon. After all the hits and other abuse it had to take it isn't a surprise it starts to wear a little. But I also know that the cracks are much deeper than they used to be. The only reason I can come up with why that is, is that he's leaning heavier against the stick, not only using it for show, but really needing it. Is this what it feels like when someone you love enters the final stages of their life?
"I'm sorry," I eventually say when he doesn't say anything else. It's the only thing I can come up with at the moment. It seems like as good a start as anything. Plus, how are you going to make up for years of absence when your family needed you the most? Or at least, when they claim they need you the most. Even know I still wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed. If they wouldn't have turned on me in the end after all. Kicking me out or something. Everyone needs a scapegoat, why not turn to the guy who is the culprit of the mess to begin with.
"You have a lot to be sorry for, Raphael, yet you still don't know which those reasons are. However, those mistakes are from the past. Only the future matters, so do future decisions."
He has told us this millions of times before. And of course it helps just as much as all the other times he said this. Not. I know I did practically everything wrong. I was too weak to protect Mikey, too weak to protect myself and too weak to protect my remaining two brothers in the process. I was too weakto be called a warrior.
"But I hurt you guys," I say. "I made so many mistakes they're too many to count. I was wrong to do this on my own. Why can't I ask my family forgiveness for that?"
He chuckles and I hate that. It's that same sound he makes when one of us says something that sounds absolutely stupid and ridiculous to him. And after he explained himself, most of the time we feel like idiots as well.
"As if you would ever have to ask your family for forgiveness. If you worry about that, I can already tell you, you have our understanding and acceptation whole heartedly. As for being wrong, there is nothing bad with that. It makes life interesting to say the least."
See? Now I feel like an idiot. Wish I could come up with the simplest explanations to all my problems.
"Then I'm sick of being interesting," I grumble. But I really am. I wish there was an easy answer to this all. That Mikey would magically forgive me and turn back into that annoying little brother I once had. That Donatello would get back to the sassy know-it-all brother, instead of being the boy who had to kill someone to save his hard-headed idiot of an older brother. And that Leo would just get back to the calm, level-headed leader we know and love and whose head I really want to push into the toilet.
"Why do you not want to be here, Raphael? Why do you refuse to see any of brothers for longer than a few hours a week?"
The question kind of surprises me. The humorous smile that had grown on sensei's face has disappeared, having grown into a thoughtful and serious look when he locks eyes with me. I wonder if this is another question to which he secretly already knows the answer to but wants me to answer so he can see how terribly wrong I am. Again. I bet he likes those moments too.
"It just hurts," I mumble. I got to come up with an answer anyways, it better be the truth then. "I failed my family big time. I didn't keep Mikey safe and now we all have to pay for that. I have to clean up my messes right? Not sit on the couch and see how Mikey is never gonna spin a nunchaku again."
"Then, if I am not mistaken, you are taking the cowardly way out."
Splinter's face is still the same, his eyes still warm and his demeanour still calm. But the words coming from his mouth are harsh and obviously meant to hurt. For a moment I hardly believe this is the same man who told me that family will always forgive. Because this sure as shell ain't forgiveness.
"And worse, you are even too much of a coward to admit it."
I get angry. If there was one thing that I certainly know I'm not, then it is a coward.
"I've fought for my family!" I say, my voice steadily rising in volume, coming close to shouting. "I tried to keep everyone safe. I fought for you!"
My father doesn't even twitch when I move in closer to him and keep yelling. He doesn't even change his expression. He just sits there and takes it, the way he took all my temper tantrums when I was younger.
"So that is the story you made up about who you are?" He asks me, his voice bitter. "It's a nice one. Too bad it isn't true."
The fire inside me only burns brighter. I try to sit up instead of being slumped against the pillows, refusing to pay any attention to my side and the stitches I may or may not currently rip apart. When I sharp pain in my head makes me cry out and lie back down, sensei comes scuffling over to put a hand on my shoulder.
"I did not mean for you to upset your wounds," he whispers softly. It sounds like an apology. For a moment I feel like telling him he shouldn't apologise to family, we always forgive, right? But being sassy is the last thing I feel like doing at the moment.
"You carry so much anger and fear inside you, my son. I hoped I could find a way to release some of it. I should have been more considerate."
I know what he tried. Mikey used to do the same for me all the time. It's what works for me, having a vent for my pent up emotions, I mean. But I know that sensei never lies. The things he said were what he assumes is the truth. And now I really need to know why.
"Why did you say that? I fought for you, I did."
Splinter nods his head. His right arm is shaking with the pressure he's putting on it, trying to keep himself standing without the aid of his walking stick. I motion for him to go back to his chair. He sits down with relief, but also lets out a heavy sigh. I guess even the toughest ninja-masters will grow old at some point. I never thought it would look this ugly. Of course everyone gets old but when you see a man who used to be so vital and active hardly being able to stand by himself, that's harsh.
"I know you did, but it is not the reason you left our home. It has never been the reason why you didn't return. Raphael, why did you leave?"
The realisation comes only a few seconds after. Again I feel so stupid.
"Because… because it doesn't hurt that much out there. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. And I don't want him to hate me."
I don't want to see everyone suffer. I don't dare to look over my shoulder to see any pained faces I could have prevented. And sensei knows it. He knows one of the reasons I didn't come home was because I wanted to safe myself. With staying away I protected myself from the only thing my anger and uncontrollable rage couldn't protect me from. My family. Or more specifically, my family falling apart.
"You can't always get what you want," Splinter says simply and he sure as shell is right.
"Fleeing won't make your life any better," he continues. "Neither will death. But caring will. Enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about, isn't that what life is all about?"
I smile. I know he means my situation with Mikey. Splinter can't promise me Mikey will take kindly to me after everything that has happened between us, but at least he can advise me in what to do. It's going to be hard, seeing Mikey's scarring every day, looking at my brother and not seeing two care-free baby blue eyes looking back at me. But if Splinter and Donnie are right, it'll take some of my baby brother's pain away. That's good enough for me.
"Hey, sensei?" He looks my way and inclines his head slightly, showing me he's listening. "I had a mission, you know. Keeping the family safe, making sure Mikey got avenged. I thought you always taught me to never give up on a mission."
He smiles, no not even smiles, he smirks. When I was little I had a short fuse. Whenever I failed in doing something either physically in training or mentally in our daily schoolwork, I wanted to quit and get to something I was good at. Many times I have stormed out of the dojo, yelling at anything and everything and refusing to try a certain move or complete a certain task ever again. Sensei always got me back into training by simply saying that a ninja never gives up on his missions. If I wanted to be a ninja, I better complete my mission.
"You have done enough. You have given enough. I think you deserve the chance to just… give up."
He pats my arm, squeezing it slightly before smoothing the warm furry fingers out. I watch the caress, keeping silent just like him. He keeps his hand there for a moment before taking it away and slowly hobbling back to the lab door.
"I am very tired," he explains when I hand him his walking stick. "I am very happy you are back though. A family missing a member feels to me like a sky without a sun. We are all so vital to keep going."
I agree. When I close my eyes for the night, I feel at peace. Two family members who forgive me, only two to go now. Even when those two will be the hardest so far.
Hmmm I didn't really like this so much. I don't know how Raphael's and Master Splinter's relationship should be. It's hard. Anyways, give your thoughts on this, maybe I can write something better next time with a little advise ;)
(No Athese I don't need a peptalk/partially lecture and I didn't lose my self-confidence or anything, I just didn't like this at much as the other chapters, kay? XD)
See ya!