EPILOGUE : SHATTER
A month passed.
Nothing seemed to make the pain any more bearable - Megumi was surrounded by concern at all times, people trying to do whatever they could to bring her back to reality, help her rid herself of the horrible, aching longing that never left. They spoke and their words meant nothing, their gestures of caring, sad smiles, words of encouragement, none of it held any meaning.
She didn't know why she wasn't allowed to die already. In all ways except that everyone else seemed to think she was still alive, she was already dead.
It never left her. There was never even a fraction of a second when she was allowed to forget, every dream she ever had was of him, bleeding to death in her arms, dying for her, leaving her forever alone.
Whispers of a coup d'etat circulated through the kingdom. Megumi was gone, over the edge, no longer fit to rule. Her generals did most of the talking in the conferences she attended, she sat empty eyed and somewhere far away and eventually no one tried to get her attention anymore.
She rarely said a word. She was ambivalent, indifferent, distant to all those around her. She gave no indication of the pain within. Even if she did, how could they possibly understand?
She had not simply broken. She had shattered, into pieces too small to pick up and put back together.
Some days, she would find somewhere secluded - an empty room, a dark corner, anywhere where there was silence, anywhere she wouldn't be followed - and stay there until someone, usually Ismaire, had to physically pull her away and take her back to her quarters, where she would be made to eat, and kept under constant surveillance.
Suicide, if she managed it, would be an accomplishment.
After a while, Ismaire gave up on saying anything. She still dragged Megumi out of the shadows, making sure that she ate, that she had no opportunities to kill herself, but when she watched over her, they sat in silence, a million condolences that would never amount to anything hanging in the air between them.
One day when Ismaire routinely took her back, no longer trying to keep her from leaving her watch because she would always have the impetus and following it was an involuntary, Megumi finally broke down again. Her carefully placed indifference shattered, and she cried until she had no tears left, until her head ached with thoughts and memories that would never leave her. Ismaire did not try to console her, neither did she simply leave as she had in the first few days after Nightmare's death. Rather, her focus became an almost mothering one, guiding Megumi to her bed, tossing the blankets over her, and sitting down in a chair on the other side of the room until she fell asleep, all without a word. When she woke again Ismaire was gone.
The snow was still falling in bucketfuls, hard to disern against the bright white of the sky. White, everything white. Colorless. Listless. Cold. Dead. Just like him and just like she was inside.
Threats of a coup increased and prime suspects were executed. Plans of rebellion were quieted. In Megumi's near-absence, Ismaire and the Fire Elemental, Calstifer, had essentially taken over her position as ruler. She wasn't even really a figurehead, because figureheads spoke out and motivated their people, or at least gave a semblance of living. Figureheads were not mad, broken remnants of a woman who had once been a capable leader.
She spoke one day to Ismaire, for the first time in weeks.
"I'm leaving," she said, in a flat, hollow voice.
The look on Ismaire's face, the tightening of her jaw, told that she knew where ever Megumi was going, she wasn't going to come back. "...Fine. I won't stop you." Her voice was equally flat, toneless, devoid of opposition or sadness. She knew Megumi was beyond saving now. "Goodbye. We'll meet again someday."
Megumi took nothing with her. She left in the middle of the day, trudging through the snow. Seconds, minutes, hours, days ran together. The next thing she was aware of was being curled up on the stone floor of Ostreinsburg castle. And then she must have left there at some point because she was huddled in the deep snow in the surrounding forests, unfeeling to the cold. She wanted so badly just to freeze to death.
She walked on, tears running down her face when she actually thought about where she was, where she was going. How empty she felt, how that emptiness would never fill in. She returned to the castle eventually.
The stone floor was cold and the inside was dark in the absence of torchlight. She felt safer here. The memories didn't try to strike in the dark, in the silence.
But she knew they would come eventually, and she was alone. Nightmares would strike, and she was alone without the one who would chase them all away.
Solitude really was a greater pain than any wound could give.
AUTHOR'S NOTE / ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
And now, it is finished.
It took a grand total of five months (with a three-month period of writer's block), but yes, I've acheived the rare accomplishment of actually finishing a story I started!
Hooray!
Of course, I couldn't have done it all by myself. So special thanks go out to everyone who read and critiqued this, including but probably not limited to Annah, who encouraged and helped get me un-stuck whenever I was writing, Okaiju, who read and provided thoughtful insight but also joked around so I wouldn't die from a lack of silliness, and Callie, who helped me persevere through to the end this by telling me: "I'm not going to even START reading it until you have it FINISHED!" Thanks, Callie. Well, it's finished now, so that means you have to read it. :)
Last but not least, to my fabulous former English teacher, who was so dedicated to helping me in my quest to be a writer that she literally read this until she was too tired to stay awake and fell asleep. And then apparently dreamed about it! You're right, Maragaret Schtauffen SHOULD have been the one to get resurrected, and pissed as hell about it. XD
And to everyone out there who read and favorited this. I don't know all your names, but thanks to all of you. You made it that much easier to finish this.
Concerning my ending, whether or not Megumi actually killed herself or just wandered in crazyland forever is entirely up to you the reader. The best stories are all about interpretation, hmm?
Musical inspiration, as always, includes Epica, Estatic Fear, Opera IX, Temnozor, APC, and a little bit of Bal-Sagoth. As well as numerous game soundtracks I won't even begin to list.
Well, that's all from me! Next up: Finishing OMWF!
Peace out!
-Birdhouse in your Soul