Chapter 19

Cloud

It was pointless, he knew it. To try to flee from things. Hadn't he done that enough already? Probably, but it never stopped him from repeating his mistakes over and over again. Not that he was much of a mess anymore. He had had his time to think, to spend some time apart from Squall and had come to realize certain things to be very much true.

First, he was in love with that dimwitted ass. Enough for one to go slightly mad. It wasn't the easiest thing to do in the world, you know. To love that kind of a person. But then again, maybe he just thought it would be difficult. Because in the end, Squall was quite a simple person who liked simple things. He just had a personality that would make even the most kindhearted person to avoid him sooner or later. So it was mainly about endurance in that area.

Cloud snorted, amused by his thoughts and fiddled with the chess pieces that lay over the messy table. They weren't his and he didn't even bother to try to clean up the mess. Maybe it had something to do with this silence in this apartment. His companion was so silent it spoke in many different volumes with just one look. That was the second thing he had come to realize.

He actually missed Squall's presence. It pained him to be away from someone who knew him so well and responded to his saying and actions perfectly and... Well, was so damn compatible. All the bickering and pouting and whacking and kicking were just a way for them to express themselves. There was no way Cloud would get all syrupy and girly just because he was in love with someone. Well, that was what he thought, at least. But guys did love too, not in the form of fluffy pink bunnies perhaps but in somewhat soft and rough combined way. Or something.

"You could just say it to him." The soft voice startled Cloud and he blinked towards the source of the sound. "From what I hear, it seems he is not a type to get mad about logical things. Rather the opposite. And from what you've told, you have been most illogical at times and thus, earned all the anger from him." The burst of words nearly took Cloud breathless. It wasn't often that Vincent would speak so much.

"You're the one to talk.." Cloud murmured and looked at the chess piece. It was the queen. How convenient. Reminded him about himself at times. Being a drama queen over everything and thinking way too much unable to keep things under control. Things just kept.. happening! Or rather, part of things just happened inside his head but the reality had taken a huge part of his sanity this time. It had been time consuming to figure out the ruthless real world but he had managed to get a good start whilst being absent from Midgar.

"I have nothing to hide from anyone." Vincent wrinkled his straight nose and turned back to his book he was reading. "If the other end is not willing to listen, then what can I do?"

"Mm.." Cloud placed the queen next to the king and watched them for a while silent. "I'm more of a chicken than a man, aren't I." It wasn't really a question; he knew the answer without anyone telling it to him.

"Yes. If you mean by chicken that you ran away from situation that had come more complex than you had wanted it and by shutting your phone off and by not telling anyone about your whereabouts." Vince didn't even bother to look up from his book at this point. Cloud murmured silently something like 'I told Reno..' but Vincent continued without noticing him. "Then you most definitely are a chicken, though I would use simply the word coward, in your case." Cloud was slightly red now, feeling glum and embarrassed. "But, I believe there is still hope, no matter how much of an idiot you have already made of yourself."

Cloud returned to his depressed thoughts. There was also the third matter pressing him. He really didn't want to think about it that much, since it scared him. Not the situation itself but the mere idea of him just acting on his own. He was without a real home to return to. There, that was the truth. Cloud sighed and poked the marble queen on the table, watching it as if it could tell him what to do next.

"It was really stupid to just leave, I suppose." Cloud slumped back into the safety of the armchair. Vincent merely raised one eyebrow and remained quiet. "Oh fuck, what a mess I managed to cook. I'm a walking catastrophe!"

A day later

Tifa had reached him first and had given him an earful of all the things Cloud knew he deserved and had silently accepted his fate. It was evident Tifa was mad, but she wasn't the one he had left behind and not the one whose reaction Cloud feared more than meeting a ferocious monster in a dark alley without a sword.

He had not yet had the courage to call Squall that he was going to get back. He stared at the phone most of the time and held his finger on the button that would end the suffering and let his destiny be fulfilled as a punching bag or end up locked into the iron maiden.

He had after a long and painful consideration come to a conclusion he should just get back to work and find a place for himself. He was a big boy anyway, he could look after himself! Tifa was going to move on in her life, that's what she said and somehow Cloud got the feeling she was including Elena into her new beginning.. The thought made Cloud uneasy a little. No way… Tifa liked guys, right? He tried to push the thought off his mind and continued with some other subject, still a little unsure how to feel about it.

The situation with Squall. Well, it wasn't going to go anywhere so it was best for everyone he would just stop hanging around at the Leonhart residence, give out the keys and move his small amount things out. They could still be friends, right? He would not let his termination waver when he would have to explain all this to Squall. Cloud almost saw that perfectly formed face of Squall frowning at his words and the brunet of course would argue how Cloud would always be welcomed there, at their home. But that was the point, couldn't Squall see that? It was always their home, never his too. So it made perfect sense to get out as long as he still could before making even a bigger fool of himself. He should learn to be more independent, that was all.

The dreaded phone call still waited him. His newly formed independence was kicking him in the head and laughing. Cloud groaned.

In the end, it was pointless to prolong this and he pressed the button. After that, he was holding his breath and waiting the hell to break loose.

"Squall."

"Uh.. It's Cloud. I.. am sorry for not calling earlier and know that you must hate me more than anything at the moment and please don't hang up but let me explain." Cloud hurried forward without letting Squall a chance to say anything. What he was going to say, he had no idea. Squall remained quiet at the other end. "Well, I assume you are actually listening and haven't thrown the phone off to let me just talk infinitely and m.."

"Just cut the crap and get to the point." Squall's bored voice carried to Clouds ears and he gulped.

"Right. Yeah. To the point." Brains, work! Now would be perfect time to come up with the most awesome story ever! "I've been really confused you know. I dunno. Everything just was getting into a brilliant mess in my head and I kinda just did what I'm used to do. Ran." He paused for a moment, gathering his breath. "I'm not good at dealing with face to face problems when I have to talk, you know. I had to.. figure things out before getting back."

"What things?"

"Just.. things." Cloud tried with any means possible leave it untold what was the main reason he had fled. "Tifa has basically been shutting herself out my life and the business and I sort of panicked about it. And all the stuff with work too. I guess I was.. you know.."

"Scared." Squall finished Cloud's sentence and left the blond silent for a long moment.

"Yeah. Scared." Cloud leaned his head to the back of the armchair. "I'm sorry, Squall. I should've talked with you. You could've told me what an idiot I was being when worrying about something like that."

"That you could have done, indeed. But you didn't. You chose to be a selfish little shit and run off without telling anyone anything." Squall seemed to breathe deeply. "I've had my own problems to deal with. I really did not need you to act the little spoiled princess you sometimes are. Maybe it was good for you to get away to understand to get your head out of your ass."

"I'm sorry.."

"Just... Get back, will you? I don't want to think about this anymore now that I know you're ok."

"I'll be there before sunset." After that Squall ended the call and Cloud returned at staring at the piece of plastic in his hand. So he was going to live, after all. Squall would most like torment him verbally for a while, but he could endure that. He could even endure physical pain at this point just to be back there.

What had happened back there anyway if Squall was having problems? He'd better get on the road immediately.

Early evening

Cloud reached the town before nightfall easily. He had driven too fast out of sheer worry, and was knocking on the door of the most familiar door now. He heard no noises from inside and wondered if there was anyone home at all. But surely Squall would be there. After all he had heard Cloud saying he was going to be there today.

He checked his watch. He was few hours earlier he had planned. Maybe that's why there was no one in. Too bad he had no keys with him as he had left in such a hurry last time.

Cloud sat on the stairs and ruffled his spiked hair. Vincent had said something before he had driven off. Just be true to yourself and it will go fine. Easy for Vince to say something like that. The man lived alone and had nothing but time to himself and his odd habits. No one there to watch his every move and hear every word he said. Of course Squall was nowhere near of being a nosy bastard, that particular job had fallen to Sora.. And Squall never really tried to change anything in Cloud. If he did, he said it straight to his face when there was something Cloud did wrong.

Cloud felt restless just sitting here and waiting for someone to come home. Cloud walked out and went back to his bike and mounted it. He should just go a drive somewhere before he would come back and handle this whole situation with Squall once and for all. He was determined to tell Squall exactly how he felt now, even with the risk of Squall wanting nothing to do with him after the confession.

Cloud decided to go to visit the church. He had neglected the place for way too long and his consciousness was nagging at him about it. Maybe he should get some flowers with him too.

His mind on this he ignited the engine and drove off into the sunlit city.

Ruins

The church was as ruined as it had been the last time Cloud had been in there with Squall on their evening of many interesting things. Cloud smiled sadly as he walked into the ruined building and knelt before the half frozen buddle of water in the middle of the floor. There was snow still even inside the building, it had been warm lately and the snow had quickly melted away, leaving only scattered mounts in shadowy corners and frozen puddles here and there.

"Hi Aer…" Cloud whispered and took the flowers he had bought from the paper wrappings and started to place them on the water one by one. "I brought you some lilies today. I'm sorry I haven't been to see you in a while." Cloud bit his lip and sighed. It wasn't like he really believed Aerith to be anywhere to hear his mutterings but it made him feel infinitely better to voice his worries like this. The sorrow in his heart feeling a little less heavy.

"You know I met someone. You would've liked him too, I know it. He's a stubborn idiot, just like me but he has a good heart and he's a good man in every possible way." Cloud smile to the lily he held gently in his fingers. He brought it to his nose and inhaled deeply. "I have fallen in love with him. I don't think this would surprise you at all… I guess you knew I'd be better off with some guy than with girls." Cloud managed a small laugh before placing the lily next to its kinds on the water.

"I don't know if he likes me the way I like him, but I'm hoping he does. I have no idea what two guys do together but I'm sure I wouldn't mind learning it all with him. He makes my chest swell with happiness on good days and my gut to twist unpleasantly out of fear when there is something wrong. I guess that's normal. I wouldn't really know because my life has been a brilliant mess of people and events that have made me scared of relationships."

Cloud sat on the cold floor for a while in silence, just the occasional breath of wind making the lonely dead leaves rustle in the corners. He inhaled and exhaled many times his eyes closed, clearing his mind of all the excess feelings and thoughts even for few seconds. He was usually rather bad at meditating but in here he felt like he could do it.

"I should go then I suppose." Cloud glanced at his watch and got up from the floor massaging his backside gingerly. It had gotten slightly numb from sitting in one place for too long. He looked at the room, taking in the wreckage he knew by heart. He looked up thru the roof that wasn't there and saw nothing but sky with dark clouds and felt few drops of rain on his face. Cloud looked down into the pool of lilies and sighed. He placed his fingers to his lips and then blew one air kiss at the flowers. That was his goodbye and he knew he wouldn't come here again in a long time. If ever.

It was time to move on and carry the memories inside his heart.

Cloud jogged back to his bike as the rain had started to pour down heavily now. For once he was happy about his helmet. He glanced just once more at the church, smiled and drove off.

Cloud drove down the streets in deep thoughts, feeling almost calm. He didn't notice the rain getting heavier. He didn't notice the screeching sounds ahead him. He only saw a flash of bright light and then everything went black.