Chapter 20
Squall
The past week had been nerve wrecking. Squall pressed his forehead to the cool tiled wall in the shower and let the noise of the falling water fill his ears, numbing all other thoughts away.
The twins had found out he had found a missing sibling and had made it their business to be nosy and over protective and worst of all; jealous. He had never knew how attached the boys seemed to be to him. Of course, he cared for them very much and they were a part of his life until he was old and shriveled. But still.. To be so important to someone. It was getting from being annoying to plain scary.
Squall had met up with Ellone finally, a few days ago. It had been awkward and he had been silent most of the time while she had been talking softly about everything that had happened since she had vanished.
Ellone had a husband and twin girls, about six years old. She lived not that far from Squall and wanted to keep in touch with her little brother now closely.
Little brother..
The sound of those words was strange to him and Squall sighed deeply. He had no guarantee he would ever feel comfortable about that again. It just didn't sound right. But it did to her. And he let her call him whatever she wanted, if that made her happy. Because, even if he tried to deny it he certainly had felt some level of happiness and joy when the tall dark haired woman had risen from her chair at the cafe they had planned to meet, and had hugged him so tight Squall nearly had no breath left to him. Even after twenty something years she still smelled the same as he remembered her to smell when she had been the only source of comfort in his childhood. Squall couldn't deny the familiar happy throb when those memories surfaced.
Ellone had promised to bring her girls with her next time so Sora and Roxas could meet them too. She had been surprised to learn how Squall had took the boys in when he himself had been so young and had taken care of the whole family up until the boys were now old enough to move on their own.
And now Cloud was late. Squall was determined to kick his ass royally when the idiot would show up after being in hiding over a week. What a fucking nightmare! Squall was ready to rip some hair of off his head when he had to think about confronting Cloud after this fiasco of a week. He was angry, disappointed, hurt and confused at what he should even say to Cloud when he would arrive. Of course he had missed him and been worried but… he was most of all just disappointed. Why hadn't Cloud confided in him if he was so confused with all the business matters and who knew what else!
Someone banged on the door, disturbing his brief moment of solitude.
"Squall! You'd better come out fast!" It was Sora. He sounded more panicked than ever. "There's someone calling from the hospital!" Squall turned the shower down immediately, fumbled for a towel and unlocked the door. Sora was holding the phone before him and Squall snatched it from him.
As the person on the other end reached the end of her speech Squall had turned white. He ended the call and stared the now dark screen blankly.
"Well? Who's hurt? Why did they call you? It's not.. Roxas, is it?" There was a hint of panic in Sora's voice and he tried to read Squalls face.
"No." His voice was calm and without emotion. It felt like his insides had turned ice so suddenly. "It's.." The swallowed. It was so unreal. "It's Cloud. There's been an accident. He's in surgery right now and.." His voice shook as the news slowly sunk into his consciousness. Sora seemed speechless. "I should get to the hospital. Cloud has made me his emergency person and I have to decide what to do.." It had been a shock to hear that at a moment like this. Squall had had no idea Cloud had done something like that.
"Well.." Sora seemed to gather himself up a little, with a great effort. "Get dressed then and we'll leave right now. I'll call Rox and tell him to get to the hospital and meet us there. Okay? Good. Go!" Sora pushed Squall towards his room and then ran up to get his phone.
"Right. Yes. Clothes." Squall was so stupefied he barely knew which way to turn but he managed to dress himself up and get out of the flat finally.
The hospital
About half an hour later he and Sora were standing in a white corridor, with white chairs and white floor. The clean surfaces almost mirrored Squalls face as he tried to organize his stumbling thoughts. Sora was quiet and sat on one of the irritatingly white chairs and hung his head down. So very unlike of him. But the situation was more than unusual anyway.
There had been a police. And a doctor. And another doctor. Things were so confused still inside Squalls head he had no other choice but to walk back and forth the corridor. There was a huge lump in his throat that prevented him from talking. He was almost in tears but had so far managed to keep them from falling. He had to be tough now. For the twins and for Cloud.. Cloud who was probably lying white as a sheet somewhere in the bowls of this hospital blood spattered all over his face and surrounded by doctors who were fighting to keep him alive.
The police had told him Cloud had crashed with a car that had driven on the other lane; the driver had lost the control of his car for god knows what reason and had slid to meet the passing bike. The driver of the car was being treated in another room, somewhere in this damned white place. And Cloud's beloved bike, the police told Squall, was a complete wreck. That would not be the first news to tell the blond when he woke up. If he woke up.. Squall shook his head to banish such devilish thoughts.
The first doctor had just led them here and said someone else would come soon to explain more. Squall had nearly stretched his arms to strangle the poor man for not giving him any other information. Sora had managed to hold him still by simply stepping between him and the fleeing doctor.
The second doctor had obviously been informed of Squalls hostility as he lurked out from the nonexistent shadows towards Squall and Sora with a guard following him behind. Squall tried to restrain himself with all his might but needed in the end very little effort of doing so as the frightened doctor explained that Cloud was in surgery now and was being treated the best they could. Though, it was not yet sure if the young man would survive the surgery, the doctor had said. There was a part that had broken off from the body of the bike and pierced Cloud's side. They were trying patch him up and didn't yet know if any of Cloud's vital organs been damaged as well. There was the chance of internal bleeding, which would, according to the doctor, be almost surely fatal.
Squall dropped down to one of the chairs, hating it as it seemed to mock him and his grim mood with its innocent whiteness. Why the hell had hospitals to be white anyway? It was utterly annoying and hurt his eyes as the pale artificial light glistened everywhere he looked. He sighed and rubbed his temples.
"I brought you coffee." Roxas had appeared next to him and handed over a paper cup. He took it, but didn't drink it. Roxas sat next to his twin and looked at Squall. "He'll survive. They're doing everything they can to save him."
"Yeah.." Squall choked. "But what if it's not enough? What if Cloud... dies?"
"Don't say that!" Sora jerked his head up and hissed. "Cloud will be just fine. They'll just fix him. Simple as that. HE WONT DIE." There was something childish in the way Sora spoke. That hint of the boy being a little naive for his age. Or maybe it was just denial, not wanting to accept the possibility of Cloud dying. Just like that. Like someone would blow a candle off. Death, it seemed, made people too aware of their own fragile forms.
"Sora.. You know it's a possibility we have to accept." Roxas reached out to stroke his brothers' hair but the other jerked away and stood up, looking even more upset.
"NO!" Tears poured down his pale cheeks now. "Cloud is the best thing that has happened to our family and I won't let him die! I WON'T!" He fell on the floor on his knees and started howling, his whole body shaking. Roxas swallowed, looking strained and frightened as well, but descended to the floor too, wrapping his arm around Sora and hugging him close.
Squall felt like he should say something. Something comforting. Anything. But nothing came out. He was paralyzed to the spot and all he could think was that Cloud might die and he, Squall, was a gigantic idiot for not ever gathering up the courage to tell Cloud he was in love with him. It would be too late now, if the worst would happen. Why was it that he never had said anything? It all was so clear now, somehow. All the subtle signs. All the stolen glances. All the brief moments of happiness..
No more. He would hide no more. If Cloud would survive this he would confront the man and lay his emotions bare before him and wish for the best. Life was too damn short to be wasted being afraid of rejection.
He sighed again and cleared his throat.
"It'll be alright. He's a strong man. Something like this is not going to kill him. You'll see." The words were said more to convince himself than the twins. "Dry your tears. It won't do any good anyway. We need to be here when Cloud will come around. And we need to be strong. For him. Understood?" Squall looked at the boys, huddled on the floor, so very fragile and scared like they still were those two frightened children that had appeared into his life so many years ago, eyes big and blue and full of innocence the cruel world never really had taken from them.
"Yes.." The weakest whisper rose from Sora's lips and he looked up at Squall. A moment of silence before the twins got up and Sora dried his tears and apparently gritting his teeth, trying to look stern. "I won't cry anymore."
Some hours later
Squall had talked to Tifa on the phone. It had been one of the hardest things to tell to someone you knew to be absolutely devastated to get information like this. As she had been. Her tone had died away and after few silent heartbeats Squall had heard a gasping breath and then the line had been cut off. He didn't call her again knowing she was crying somewhere her heart out. He couldn't cry in front of anyone, not even by himself. But his heart was empty of anything else other than the pain and feeling of complete, absolute loss of the person he needed in his life.
He wasn't ready to give Cloud away yet. How wrong the fate was to take something so good and precious away so cruelly. Snatched from their caring arms into never ending darkness.
They had been waiting for hours and no one had any news to tell them. Squall had tried to talk the twins to go home to sleep but they had point blank refused. They had threatened to start kicking and screaming on the floor like they were five if Squall tried to force them away. He didn't mind them being there, he was just worried of their well being and he didn't think he could take any more worry at this point.
In the end Squall found himself staring at the white walls and trying to stay awake.
The early hours of the morning
"Mr. Leonhart?" A gentle hand shook his shoulder gently. "Sir? The surgery is over. Your friend is going to survive. He is being transported to the recovery room now." The doctor left Squall, still groggy from falling asleep on the uncomfortable chair.
Cloud would live. He was going to be ok. A wave of relief washed over Squall and he closed his eyes again. He was able breath finally.
And then he cried. For the first time in years Squall shed tears of relief into his hands now covering his face.
Days later
The room was small and had the curtains closed, making everything slightly gray. One small table, an armchair, couple of machines beeping and doing stuff he really understood nothing about. Sun was high in the sky but the room remained in shadows, the air cool and quiet. Only the steady breathing of the occupant broke the eerie atmosphere.
Squall reached the bed where lay the motionless body of Cloud. He let his eyes sweep over the sheet covered body before he settled to look at the face.
Cloud had bruises all over, there were stitches on the chin and half of the pale face was a nasty shade of purple and one eye was swollen shut. Not a very pretty sight, but for Squall none of those superficial things mattered at the moment. He laid his hand carefully over Cloud's chest. It rose steadily up and down, proving him Cloud was alive and the machine next to the bed wasn't lying about the heartbeats. Squall could feel those beats too, under his palm.
Squall moved the armchair next to the bed and sat there, holding Cloud's hand gently on his own, stroking the cool skin lightly with his fingertips. He kept looking at Cloud, unable to move his eyes away, like he was afraid the other would disappear if he moved his gaze to somewhere else, even for a split of a second.
He kept feeling a mixture of happiness and worry. He was happy there was no direct danger at the moment but he was worried what would happen if something had gone wrong anyway. Squall chewed his lip and pushed his uneasiness further to his head. There was no point of being miserable beforehand. Cloud was definitely beaten up badly and would have an ugly scar on his left side for the rest of his life but all the little scars and bruises.. Those would eventually heal. He had never been more grateful of the helmet Cloud had worn. The doctor had said it had prevented more damage from happening and it was almost guaranteed Cloud had no head injury that would have caused his memory to be gone, but to be on the safe side it would be better if Squall would stay with Cloud, so there would be someone familiar for him to see when he eventually would be conscious again.
Cloud looked so infinitely frail and young while laying there. It reminded Squall of the first night they had met up purposely and had gone to visit the old church in the ruined part of the city and the comforting warmth of their first proper kiss. It was amazing how they had managed to kiss back then and after that revert back to building a strong friendship. Now that he thought of it, maybe they had just danced around each other not knowing where to go or what to do next, waiting for the other one to take the first step. Squall was determined to tell Cloud how he felt, now that it was crystal clear to him.
He would climb mountains and fetch the moon if Cloud would want that.
What Cloud really wanted.. That was one thing bothering Squall. Squall had perhaps been able to figure out his own feelings but would Cloud be as easy to make see the truth? Squall was almost sure there were some lingering feelings from the blond towards him, but he could be mistaken just as easily. He would just have to be very, very patient.
Squall sighed and dared to close his eyes for a moment. He was tired, exhausted and in need of a shower. Cloud had been unconscious now for three days and Squall had contacted everyone he knew would worry about Cloud. Tifa had been the first to show up with Reno and had stayed for long enough to give Squall a chance of getting himself something to eat, other than the food the cafeteria in the hospital provided.
Cid had dropped by and said he would look after Sora and Roxas if they needed anything while Squall was staying here. Squall felt relieved since he had forced the twins to return home instead of staying here after the imminent danger had passed even with their threats of turning into bawling five-year-olds. He didn't care at that point and had told them so. He needed to know they were at least sleeping in their beds and not in hospital corridors or arm chairs that made anyone's muscles ache badly. So, they had gone home, grudgingly.
Squall had also called Ellone. Why, he didn't really know, but it had felt good to talk to someone who knew nothing about their struggles and had given him compassion and comforting words that had soothed his exhausted mind.
Axel had come by too, which had been surprising. The man hadn't stayed long, but Squall appreciated the gesture anyway. Cloud might be pissed if he ever knew. Squall smiled gently at the thought.
He had no idea when he had started to fall asleep but after a while Squall had drifter into sleep, his fingers still lingering next to Clouds.
A/N
This was particularly painful for me to re-read. I had written the accident a few years ago already but then reality kicked me in the head. My own brother got into a motorcycle accident. He didn't survive. So, I've been putting off of publishing this for a year now. It's still too vivid for me and I'm not anything near ok with the whole matter. But Cloud will survive here. And life will go on. In the story and for me too in real life. Thank you for reading this far and hope you will wait for the rest of the story to reveal itself.
Also I'm so sorry the chapters look confusing. Been trying to fix them to look more logical but dont know if I'm making any difference here. Bear with me..