Chapter 17

Lana sat at the window drinking tea, unable to keep from thinking about Clark. She and Lex had both made a promise that they would stop letting Clark in their lives, stop allowing him back in, and for the most part they'd both been very successful since they'd escaped Kansas.

That didn't make Lana forget that by now Clark was home and his children were born. She hadn't checked up on them. She hadn't worked to find out what gender the babies were and if they were okay. Sometimes she thought if she just knew that, then she could let go, but she knew better.

Every time she allowed any small part of Clark into her life, she overdosed. Just like Lex did.

"Million dollars for your thoughts," he said, coming into the library where she sat.

She put her cup of tea on the small table beside her. When he sat down across from her she looked up at him.

"You know what I'm thinking, Lex."

"I'd wager I could make a guess. So…"

"So nothing. It came into my mind. I'm not going to do anything about it. And I don't want you to do anything about it. I don't want to worry that every time you see me sad you're going to take action. People are sad in life, Lex. Don't avenge every sad moment. You'll do nothing else with your life."

She returned to staring out the window.

"You know another thing one shouldn't do?"

"What's that?" she asked.

"Keep it all to themselves."

He moved the table out of the way and knelt in front of her, drawing her face to his until their foreheads touched.

"It's okay to tell me how you feel."

"I'm feeling like less. Like I wasn't enough and that at some point no matter what happened, he and I would've figured that out."

Lex knew when the anger would end and the vulnerability would start. He felt the dips in her breaths and knew there would soon be tears.

"Lex, I loved him and I never ever thought that would happen."

Tears. Tears were now beginning to fall and her hands were now clinging to his face. She needed him to be strong now so she could be weak.

"You must be so tired of hearing me tell you this over and over but it hurts."

Then to his surprise she stopped crying and turned her face up to look in his eyes. Looking back, he made no movement. He chose to respect her, though the days of wanting her would never end in his lifetime. When she saw the want in his eyes and realized that it mirrored her own feelings, she got up and tried to bolt.

"Is this how it's going to be forever?" he called after her. "I mean I don't want to make the moment about he whom we should be getting over about me, but every time you have even the slightest realization of the attraction between us, that you know is still there, you run."

She turned back to face him.

"Lex, it's still hard for me. I don't mean to be a tease, but come on, going down that path again, for crying out loud, Lex, can you blame me?"

"No, I don't. But for months, not weeks, months, we have lived together your way. I have done every single thing you have asked. I am under a microscope with you. I don't get to go anywhere without you knowing where, when, and why."

"Lex—"

"I understand that you want me to let go of Clark just as much as you want to. So we can both be free of that life and what he did to us. But is there ever going to come a time where we talk about you forgiving me or is this running my life to save my soul for power kicks?"

Lana stood at the doorway the way she always did, as if she were unable to answer his question without more information even though he'd given her more than enough.

"Do you even feel anything between us? At all?"

"Lex, yes, and that's what scares me. Don't you remember? You were my friend always. Every time I turned around, you were there. And the smile I remember getting whenever you looked at me. I miss that. I want it back."

"So do I."

"But you have to admit, faking a pregnancy and making a clone of me, that's tough to get over. And all those horrible things you were doing. Don't even pretend that you were doing it for whatever reason you saw in your mind as justifiable. Don't! You knew it was wrong. You knew you were hurting people, and it didn't matter as long as you got more power."

"The question is, do you think you can ever look at me again without seeing that?"

She hated herself for that pure truthful answer.

"Yes."

She walked towards him slowly, taking his hands in hers. "You make me burn, Lex. You always did. And I know you want to kiss me. But what you've never been good at was enjoying the journey. You ache for love or your idea of love so badly that you don't enjoy the steps it takes to get to them. Don't ever try to own me again, Lex."

"I won't."

"No, I don't mean by entrapping me in a pregnancy. I mean don't hover and worry all the time. Don't try to make me stay. Just…calm down and enjoy the journey we're taking together. And don't put so much on me because I'm not perfect and I can't be responsible for your all of your happiness no matter who I am. I can give you my love and my heart if I choose to. But you need to learn how to have people in your life that are real. And if someone breaks you, move on and try again. Without revenge."

"That's life?" he asked.

She pushed her fingers through his hands so they would run up along her arms.

"It sucks, but the less time you spend getting even the sooner you're onto the next great thing. I could've been in that window plotting revenge against Clark but I think I could be doing something so much better with my time."

"And what's that?"

Slender fingers brought his lips to hers and she felt the instant burning deep inside her. With Lex, that always happened with her, whether she was completely up for it, when she was shy and unsure, or even the few nights in their marriage when she let him touch her to keep up the pretense that everything was fine. Lex could make her burn. She loved and hated that about him, but right now, love was winning.

His lips swept of over hers, caressing until he was unable to take it; he gently opened her mouth and explored what was inside. He found her tongue and invited it to dance with his and she met his passion, completely ignoring her own advice and her conscience as she peeled his shirt back, breaking the kiss to tend to his skin with her mouth.

Lex gently lifted her body up against his and walked out of the library and into the den where the fire was. Passion growing, he combed her hair with his fingers, forcing her mouth back to his as he walked them nearer to the flames. His heart almost broke when he heard her moan into his mouth. Lying her down on the thick carpets in front of fireplace, he reached to the chest by the couch and pulled out comfortable throws for them to use later.

Skin on skin they began to find inside each other what they always had: the ability to see in each other what few others could accept. She let him pull her shirt and bra off and do things to her that made her insides feel things she was ashamed to admit when she last felt them.

She closed her eyes, lost in sensations. His mouth was hot on her neck as she rolled her nails up along his back. She felt the dampness between her legs; the pulsing. But as soon as she thought about how wonderful this would be, that there was nothing else she wanted more, the fear began to creep into her.

As Lex he touched her, kissed her and made love to her, he couldn't help but notice that she was shaking.

"Lana, Lana what's wrong?"

She pulled herself up to the sitting position he was in. Shaking hadn't completely subsided so he wrapped one of the throws around her.

"Are you feeling sick?"

"No," she whispered.

"What's going on inside your head?"

"I thought it might just be a kiss. I know you've wanted and waited so long. And I'd like to believe you've really been honest with me and that I'm not making the single biggest mistake I'm ever going to make in my life."

"Lana, I don't think all of that was what happened in your head in that moment to make you so scared."

"Okay," she confessed. "I got completely caught up in it and I wanted it. To be honest six or seven months ago I never would've considered being in this place. But…I was there, feeling beautiful. And the last time I was that carefree with you, you found a way to make me think I was pregnant. So, it's a little scary to have sex with you again. I want to but it's scary."

He leaned in, kissing the top of her head, handing her back her clothes.

"No, Lex," she started, feeling guilty that she'd made them stop the act. "It's my fault. I started the kiss and if I'd stopped and taken the steps I'd talked about, I wouldn't have done this to both of us."

"I had you in my arms. That's enough. Remember, enjoy the journey."

Lex slipped his own shirt back on and held his hand out to hers.

"I'll take you to bed. To your bed, alone," he corrected.

"Thank you. You know Lex, I'm so far from perfect that I learned a lot from you. You helped me. What we're doing, helping each other, it is beginning to remind me of how we used to be."

"Your eyes though," Lex said. "Your eyes haven't forgotten what I did to you. "The day they look at me like the day I saw you at the airport on your way to Paris I'll be the happiest man alive."

~~~~~~~To Be Continued~~~~~~