Chapter 15
"Brom? Who the f*** is Brom?" yelled a voice at the other end.
"Shatnerpossum," yelled Shatner, now holding the phone a little farther away, "Who's this?"
"Who's this? It's FRED! Do you know how long we've been trying to hail you?" yelled the voice on the other end.
"Sorry, we've been busy. Where are you and how-" started Shatner.
"Where are we? We're f***in' crashin' right now, dude. Mayday, May-F***in'-DAY!"
"Calm down, what's goin' on?" asked Shatner.
"The plane, we hit problems… we're trying to keep it steady," sputtered fred over the radio, "We are… oh God, keep it steady, man! The pilot's doing all he can but it is NOT going well. We need to land, NOW! We're locking on your position, now. Find a landing spot, quick!"
"Landing Spot, we don't know where we are, we're somewhere in France, we just can't," stuttered Shatner.
"No time, we got a lock, you have five minutes, here we come," said Fred, and the signal went dead.
"Damnit," yelled Shatner, and he slammed the phone shut.
The others looked confused, waiting for a response. Shatner just turned, and began to sprint, the others tried to follow.
"What? Who was it?" asked Nate.
"Fred, there's difficulties. They want us to find an airport they can land out in five minutes."
"What?" said Nate, "Oh no, that's not good, at all."
"Yeah, you're telling me," said Shatner, and he began frantically searching the map, before shaking his head, "This is such bull, where are we supposed to find something like THIS!"
They ran for a while, but they couldn't see or find nothing that resembled any sort of landing pad. Another minute or so, and Shatner spotted a small town ahead, and they sprinted towards it. The town appeared like the last one, relatively untouched except for signs of abandonment and looting. Shatner sprinted, jumping onto a dumpster the leaping for a low hanging emergency latter on the side of a hardware store.
He began pulling himself up with incredible speed, and hurriedly climbed the store. Nate jumped up onto the dumpster, and pulled a muscle, falling back down. As Nate cursed on the ground, Pandora leapt up, and grabbed the bars, following Shatner. Kevin shook his head, and watched the Brits having issues climbing the dumpster.
"Way to be, fat ass," said Iawn, trying to climb up.
"You can't do it either, you wankah," said Charles.
"Shit," said Nate, getting up, "We'll take the long way."
Nate walked around the side, and examined the front of the building. It was barricaded, and even looked as if someone had experienced a few fire fights before. Kevin aimed his rifle towards the shop, looking wearily.
"What about someone being inside?" asked Kevin.
Nate took a few steps back, before running and jumping into the air, taking care to slam his feet into the front door part. The door broke apart, and caved inwards. The barricade behind it could not hold, and fell over. The Brits smiled and cheered, and Nate got up, and leapt inside, Kevin hard on his tail.
Nate scanned the room for any people, but he rushed through, not using cover. He didn't care about anyone hiding inside, to be honest. He rushed through, swinging his rifle around, and he bolted for some stairs in the back. They went right where he wanted, and he found himself behind a door to the roof. He heard Kevin's shotgun go off down below, he was quite a ways behind him, and he decided he didn't care. He lifted his boot and slammed it into the door (unnecessarily) and the door opened up, onto the roof.
Nate ran out, looking around. Shatner stood, dialing into the phone and looking around, desperately. Pandora was poking a decayed body in the corner of the roof with his rifle. Nate walked towards Shatner, and fear crossed his face.
"This isn't good," said Shatner.
"PLANE!" yelled Charles, who followed Nate through the door and onto the roof.
Nate followed his finger into the sky, and spotted a smoking trail of a dot in the sky. Nate's heart froze with fear, and he looked into the eyes of Shatner, who had become stricken by fear. Shatner hit a button on the large phone, and it went onto speaker. A husky, southern drawl came over the speakers.
"May-day, may-day. We're goin' down. We're losing our engeens. May-day, may-day!"
Soon, the plane was in sight, and Nate could definitely see fires breaking out from many areas on the plane, and a huge smoke trail followed it as if slowly decresed it's altitude.
"Why," asked Shatner, almost under his breath, "Why must it be hell every time we're going to win?"
Nate didn't know if he should answer or not, but he was overwhelmed by awe. The plane streaked right overhead, it was very low now. Low enough for Iawn and Charles to dive to the ground in exaggerated terror and Leo covered his face with his arm. The plane was large; it had four engines and a large body. Nate couldn't tell if they were jet or propeller anymore, for three of the four engines were now burning away in a rage of flames.
Nate almost felt a small part of him die, as he followed it over his head, and carry onward, slowly decreasing with time. Shatner, like Nate, was unaffected by the ash and metallic parts coming off the plane after it had passed, and they didn't bother taking any cover as the parts rained down from above.
The plain seemed to disappear, heading towards the horizon, before disappearing, partly, behind a building, then another few seconds before it disappeared over a distant hill. The trail of smoke lingered for some time, and the parts falling off the plane rained down for another second or so.
"Prepare for IMPACT!" yelled the Pilot, "GET BACK! May-day, May-day! May-"
The transmission was cut short, and Shatner and Nate hung on the words of the pilot.
"Oh… my," mumbled Shatner.
"Damn," said Nate, "I bet that hurt."
"What happened? What went wrong?" asked Kevin.
Nate turned to Kevin, "Take care of the issues downstairs?"
Kevin stared at him, confused, before shaking his head in understanding and saying, "Oh… it was nothing. I saw a rat… and fired… and then fell over some cans."
"Oh," said Nate, nodding his head with little emotion, "That's good."
"We got to move," said Shatner, "We need to get to that plane."
"Right," said Nate, lowering his goggles and sliding his hand across the brim of his hat, "It's GO time. Let's roll out."
Nate took a running start, and leapt from the roof. Shatner and Kevin burst out in surprise, and rushed to the edge to see where he landed. Nate was lying in a dumpster, grasping at the edge for support to get out.
"What the hell was that?" asked Kevin from the roof.
"An epic exit to coincide with the epic entrance," said Nate, his voice hinting at some pain.
"Why didn't you just use the stairs," said Shatner, pointing back behind him.
"I thought time was of the essence!" yelled Nate, "God… just… hurry up!"
Shatner shook his head and turned to run down the stairs. The others were eager to follow them away from the town, heading off in the direction of the crashed plane.
They ran for quite a distance, but they didn't tire. A large cloud of black smoke was appearing in the distance. They left the town, heading over the landscape to where the plane had landed. It was about a half an hour before they found another small town, where fire and destruction were obvious.
Shatner spotted pieces of the plane, and the majority of the crash was located next to a house that the plane had plowed into. Shatner shouted, and ran down the hill into the town. Nate was close behind him, but many things urked him about the town.
He saw movement inside one of the other houses, and he could've sworn he saw frightened eyes from behind a curtain. Nate slowed, peering around him, but no one paid him any notice as they ran towards the plane. Shatner was the first to start checking the wreckage and try to open one of the side doors.
"Fred," he yelled, banging on the plane and looking around, "Is anyone alive? Hello? Hello? Fred?"
"Why do we bother trying to fly?" said Pandora, sifting through the wreckage as well, "We always crash."
"We can check the houses," said Leo, nodding at Iawn, who agreed.
"No, don't," said Nate, half heartedly, not taking his eyes off the surrounding buildings, "Something's not… right."
"I can't open this damn door," yelled Shatner, "Kevin, help me!"
Kevin got behind Shatner and tried to help him tug on the door, wrestling to get it open. Nate reached up, and adjusted his goggles, then he undid the safety on his rifle. Pandora noticed, and he walked up next to Nate.
"What is it?" asked Pandora.
"I feel…" said Nate, mumbling under his breath something else.
Pandora brought up his own rifle, and he turned his attention to Shatner and Kevin tugging at the door. A muffled yelp was heard not far away, most likely from Iawn or Charles. Nate spun around.
"Got it!" yelled Shatner, as the door of the plane jerked open and Kevin and himself got pushed back.
Shatner immediately stuck his head inside and peeked around. He froze, as he stared into the barrel of a pistol. He backed up, slowly raising his hands; and Kevin with him.
"Calm down, dude," said Shatner, "Don't be retarded, we're trying to help you. We're the team you're supposed to meet."
"Damnit," said Nate, bringing Shatner's attention to more movement around them.
From the buildings figures with weapons appeared, aiming at the group. Nathan brought his rifle to bear at the sight of them, but Pandora froze, seeing them appear from every which way. They looked scruffy, most wearing different types of leather or jeaned clothing, but they were heavily armed with FAMAS rifles and other French weapons. They pointed their rifles menacingly
Nate felt his heart slow, and he squinted behind his goggles. Shatner and Kevin got pushed back to Pandora and Nate, and they slowly became surrounded.
"Did… all of these guys come on the plane?" asked Pandora, a quiver detectable in his voice.
"Do they look like Americans?" asked Kevin.
"Nobody panic," said Nate, "Hola, amigos! Vosoteros come en peace-os!"
"Oh God," said Shatner, rolling his eyes, "Please, just shut up, SHUT UP!"
"Where's the others?" asked Pandora.
As if on cue, the three Brits were thrown from different areas in the crowd, and they picked themselves up, and joined the surrounded group.
"These wankahs!" cursed Iawn, "How dare you touch me you old, stinking pedophiles!"
"Let's waste 'em, mates!" said Leo, "We can do it!"
The roar of engines could be heard, and everyone's head turned down the road to see what was coming. A Column of motorcycles roared down the street, each one different in its own way and one sporting a French Flag.
They stopped, just beyond the crowd, and a path was made, showing who they were. The lead biker got off his bike, and removed the sunglasses he had on. He was skinny, but you could clearly see he had muscle. His head sported green hair, spiked up in cones, with shaved spots wherever hair wasn't spiked. He had spiked shoulder pads, and sported an open, leather vest with no undershirt. At his side, a pistol and on his back, a hunting rifle. He glared, and you could see he sprouted a goatee with mustache that was also dyed green. He cracked his knuckles and his neck, before taking steps forward with his massive military boots.
"You gotta be screwing with me," said Nate under his breath.
The man walked up, and crossed his arms, the rest of the bikers began filling in the now bigger circle, with only a couple more stepping into the circle with this large leader. He seemed to turn up his nose at the group, and leaned forward, sniffing at Nate, and his face twisted in disgust.
Nate allowed his face to wrinkle in offense, "Dude, get over it. I've been in a f***in' trash can today. Let's see how good you smell."
The man's eyes widened even more, and his face fixed itself in a near-permanent scowl.
"Americah," said the man, "Disgusting Pig-dogs!"
Nate was now fully enraged, and his rifle lowered in shock.
"Frenchy, please," said Nate, "You kidding me?"
The man's scowl hardened, and he stepped forward, "Drop your weapons, and surrender now; and Don't call me 'Frenchy'."
"Not this again," mumbled Shatner under his breath.
"No, thank you," said Nate, "I'd prefer my gun where I can reach it. Who are you?"
"Who am I? Who am I? You shtupid Americans! How dare you ask an outrageous question," said the man, getting upset, "This is my land, MY France. You are trespassing, so I will ask ze questions!"
"Ha," said Nate, smiling, "Alright, Frenchy. Ask one."
The man's face became enraged, but he kept his cool, "Alright… what ARE you doing here?"
"We're on our way to North Africa," said Shatner, beating Nate to the punch, "We got business there. We had friends who were supposed to help us in that plane. They might still be inside, please."
The man looked at the plane, and examined it. His face was softening, but only to harden once more.
"What… is your plane doing in my building, hmm?" he asked.
Shatner examined the building, and winced, "Well… it was a really bad crash I assume, we're sorry, I don't know-"
"We had a FAMIZY here," yelled the man, "A sex slave and her one future whore and two sons of FRANCE!"
"Um, what?" asked Pandora.
"Monsters," murmured Nate.
"You have destroyed a VERY impiortant asset to our new empire," said the man, "And I am enraged at your insolence!"
"Ok, calm down here, Pierre," said Nate, holding up his hand, "This is all a huge misunderstanding. We lost some people too, we're sure. Now let us just check the wreckage for survivors, who knows maybe-"
"'Pierre? Pierre? Who does you call Pierre?" said the man, "This is not my name. Who tells you theze lies about moi?"
Nate almost laughed, and he looked at Shatner, "A real piece of work, ain't he?"
"He's offended, and definitely not helping the situation," said Shatner, smiling smugly, "Not unlike the French."
"Frogs? Helping a situation?" said Leo.
"It smells fishy in 'ere, dudn't it?" asked Charles, smiling.
"Silence," said the man, "You… Americans!"
"We ain't Yanks," said Kevin, "We're from Britain. Only those three are Dough Boys."
"Shut Up!" said the man, waving his arm to silence them, "You… Foreigners! Do you have any idea what this has done to us? We are mourning the loss as we speak! And you show no trouble in zis?"
"I show trouble in you, Frenchy," growled Nate, letting anger show freely in his face, "You're the ones who began pointing guns."
"You are outsiders!" said the man, pointing at Nate, "It was YOUR plane that has attacked US!"
"It didn't attack," said Shatner, "It fell, so just let us check the wreckage for-"
"Survivors? We've checked," said the man, glaring at Shatner, "Supplies? We've raided what we could! Information? What more must you know?"
"Look here, Juan-Claude," said Nate, "I'm getting really sick and tired of your bull-sh-"
"That, iz NOT my name!" yelled the man, getting really upset, "Why do you keep doing zat? Do I call you Lincoln? Do I call you Clint Eastwood? Do I call you Brad Pitt? No!"
"Really?" said Nate, "Chuck Norris wasn't one of those?"
Shatner began to laugh, and the man got even more angry. Nate smiled, and adjusted his footing. Even some of the others began to giggle to themselves.
"I… I am Juan LeVuke! I am the commandant around here. I am the leader. I am just as good as any God or King," said the man, raising his hands as if to show himself off, "And you, filthy Americans, are enemies of my state. You enter my lands, destroy my buildings, kill my people, and scoff at my honor!"
Nate chuckled some more, before bowing slightly, "Pleasure is mine, dude. Name's Flint. You can call me Chuck Norris, though. This here's Beaver, that's Barack… we got Winston and Churchill somewhere… over there."
"UGH!" exasperated LeVuke at the giggles and antics of the group in front of him, and his face began to flush in anger.
"Alright, seriously," said Nate, "We don't have time for this. We are so sorry about all this, seriously. And we are saddened about everything. If you've searched the wreckage and found no survivors, and you don't want us around, we'll leave. Now, we're just passing through, so… if you would kindly…"
Many rifle aimed at him as he stepped forward, and Nate froze. Tensions rose higher, and Nate's face hardened in frustration. He knew what was coming up next.
"I… cannot allow you to do that," said LeVuke, smiling, "You Americans really are, stupid."
Nate looked at Shatner, and Shatner shook his head, showing he, too, was upset.
"Look, Frenchy, you can't fight us," said Nate, smiling, "And, technically, you still owe us for two f***in world wars, dude."
"And YOU now are in debt to US for blowing the world as we knew it out of the F***ING history books," yelled LeVuke, "You… Americans! You're all the SAME! Showing up late for every war, taking credit where none iz do, sticking your filthy noses wherever it does not belong! And now, you allow your arrogance to go TOO FAR!"
"F*** you, Wankah!" yelled Iawn, "You 'ave no CLUE what we've been through."
"It's not fair blaming one event on a small group of people with no power over it," said Shatner, "Just because you're pissed."
"Take their weapons," ordered LeVuke, "Arrest zem!"
As quick as anything, strong hands latched onto Nate's rifle, and it was yanked from his hands. He reached for his pistol and drew it on the man in front of him, but a fist slammed him in the face, and he fell backward, dropping the pistol. His hat also flew off, landing at the feet of the man next to LeVuke. Nate rose, pissed off. Looking around, he saw similar things had happened. Iawn had been pushed to the ground, too, and Leo was being restrained as he viciously tried to bite and claw at his captors. Charles had been knocked out by a hit to the head, and he lay in the mud. Shatner was held in a head lock, as he tried to assist the three British kids. Kevin and Pandora held their hands up at gunpoint, both quite frightened.
Nate rose, and brushed himself off, seeing the gun barrel pointed at him. He snarled, his face twisting into pure anger. He looked, and noticed his hat had been picked up by the Frenchy next to LeVuke. He examined it, and locked eyes with Nate. Nate reached out his hand, obviously for the hat. The Frenchman smiled and laughed, placing the hat on his own head, and flipping Nate off.
"Damn Frenchies," said Nate, getting more angry, "You're making a mistake."
"No, Monsieur Flint," said LeVuke, "It is you who is mistaken, zis time. Take zem AWAY!"
Nate was now shoved, harshly, forward, and he looked at Shatner, who glared at him. Nate shrugged, still angry, but trying to calm down while talking with Shatner.
"I know, I know," said Nate, "I did it again."
"I won't blame you fully for this one," said Shatner, "But I will admit I am not surprised we are yet again in another… retarded situation."
"We'll get out of it," said Nate, "I'll think of something."
"Are you serious?" said Shatner, "Please… don't bother. We're going to die."
"Not soon," said Nate, smiling, "Why would they bother keeping us alive if they were going to kill us? We got time… if nothing else: to take some of them with us… like that bastard with my HAT!"