Chapter 2

He awoke early, she was there her portable regenerator attached to her hand and face. She never looked peaceful in her sleep, she was cold, always cold. He walked down stairs after changing and left. He thought as he walked to B'Elanna and Tom's cabin which had been pointed out earlier. As he did his thoughts wandered to the boy, his son.

"I have a son. Why have I only found out about him? Why couldn't Kathryn tell me in the first place she was pregnant" his mind was full of questions and yet no answers came to him.

She was home. She was so happy but scared at the same time and not because of the challenges that lay ahead rather the readings on the tricorder. She loved Chakotay and was sure he loved her too, so she was going to tell him of their baby. She was still nervous and sat staring at the results, it was so quiet you could hear a pip drop.

The doors swished open and he walked in...with Seven on his arm. Kathryn felt sick but it was nothing compared to what she was about to feel.

"Captain, we would like you to marry us" Seven requested uncharacteristically happy. She wanted to scream confess her love and tell him about the baby but...she saw Seven as her daughter and she could never hurt her child and so she slipped on the Captain mask and agreed.

Pressing the chime to the Paris household he heard a shuffle, a shout, and a scream most likely a tantrum. Tom greeted him and explained that Eddie was being difficult.

"I WANT TO GO SEE MY MOMMA" the little boy shouted tears streaming down his face

"I know you do but Joe says she is still very tired and grumpy..."

"But I can cheer her up" his volume was lower now and he looked simply distraught.

"Eddie even if that were the case there's nobody to take you" B'Elanna could see where the Janeway boy was coming from but they as important Starfleet personal had a lot of work to do.

"I could take him...if that's okay?" Chakotay suggested, the boy studied him. He recognised his face from his momma's pictures and the name seemed familiar.

"Cha-ko-tay" he murmured as the older man knelt down to his level "Cha-ko-tay" he replied tracing the tattoo. "Momma called for you, and she cried. People say she never cries but she did...for you. Why did you not hear?" It was a strange thing to hear from a five year old child and it broke his heart Kathryn loved him, given herself, mothered his son and he had abandoned her.

"I want to make it up to her...and you." He paused "if you'll let me" the Janeway boy smiled lopsidedly, just like his mother.

"Ok. But if you hurt like Mark did then you'll be sorry" taking the hand of the older man he began pulling him to the door.

"Edward Kolopak Janeway, you have school first" B'Elanna shouted, Chakotay felt a stab to his heart. He was named after their fathers and to think he had missed this...the chance to be a father. Edward groaned and trudged back upstairs, only to reappear with Miral and his school bag.

=/\=

Once Tom had taken the two children to school Chakotay took this as a chance to ask questions. His mind was frantic and he didn't know where to start.

"What's changed?" He asked as he made them tea, the old fashioned way.

"Everything except one thing...she loves you. After everything, she still loves you" B'Elanna spoke softly and calmly.

"What did I do wrong?"

"Chakotay a long time ago you promised her something and you broke that promise...but her heart can't let you go."

"To lighten her burden...I guess I forgot" he looked into his tea ashamed at himself, why has he let her go? Why had he been convinced by Seven to marry her? Why in gods name did he not tell Seven about their one stand?

"Do people know who his father is?" He asked cautiously

"Only the closet know it's you. I have a question." She stated and waited for his nod to go on. "How did you go from having sex with Kathryn and telling her you love her to marrying Seven?"

"I don't know. I know I felt guilty for hurting Seven and she suggested marriage and a family I...I...I don't know. It was stupid and the biggest mistake I've ever made" he told her looking her directly in the eye.

"Well that doesn't explain why you didn't contact us for five years. We wanted to tell you so much, Naomi's little sister, Lexi, Harry and Tal's wedding and miracle baby, Mike Ayala seeing his boys and wife. What excuse do you have?"

"B'Elanna you never contacted me and if you did I never received it. For the last five years I have been in the dark. It's been hellish for me." He complained sitting down in the living area.

"Hellish for you. You have no idea what we've been through. I had to listen to the cries of Kathryn Janeway as her body slowly degraded through the night, her distressed calls for YOU, knowing if I tried to help I'd get hurt. I've had to watch her little boy suffer because she can't pick him up and play with him because she's too tired and her legs aren't strong enough, that's hellish! You were just lonely!" She shouted tears threatening her eyes. "You used to be my best friend someone I looked up to now...now I see a selfish old man" she turned away and tapped at the com system and then handed him a PADD. "Just read it" she left the room.

Chakotay followed her instructions and read it. He wanted to know everything he could before he saw her. He read it walking home and found himself hiding it when Seven informed him she had been concerned about his whereabouts. He had smiled and excused himself due to his exhaustion.

He wasn't very far through when he found the letter explaining his son's birth.

Dear Chakotay

I hope you are well and enjoying your new job. I have a confession that may be hard for you to hear due to your new marital status but it doesn't change the fact that our son has been born.

I have named him after our fathers, I hope that's alright. I asked your sister and she was overjoyed at the news. I know you must be angry that I never told you but the truth is...I was going to but Seven asked me to marry the two of you and I felt guilty that by sleeping with you I had hurt her. I had just found out moments before you had entered my ready room and was so enthusiastic but to hear Seven's excitement, which is never heard, I couldn't hurt her any more than I already had.

I hope you can forgive me and one day you'll come home to see him, he has your face and hair but my eyes, my mom thinks he'll smile like me too. Come home

Kathryn

It made sense now. How much he had hurt her and it made him feel so guilty. He didn't have lunch he was so caught up in his reading. Harry and Tal's wedding, Naomi's sister being born, the children's first words, the doc officiating his name, the list of happy things was overwhelming but it had turned dark quickly.

Kathryn's fall, her diagnosis, the fact his blood could have helped her, the temporary full body paralysis, her nightmares, B'Elanna's fears for Eddie, the situation with Mark. Each event making him feel selfish and guilty. Oh so guilty."

By the time Eddie arrived home Chakotay had read all the letters and was more familiar with the situation. The young boy was enthusiastic about going and let Chakotay know that by talking endlessly about his mother.

"She's really brave, I think surgery must hurt" he enthused as they walked to the transport station. "I don't think I could be as brave as her, she gets tired lots too Auntie B'E says it's because she has to fight a lot but momma I think it because of heart being broken...she says she loves you but I heard auntie B'E ask how. Why did she say that?" His blue eyes looked at him sternly, Chakotay could answer his mouth produced no words.

"Good afternoon sir, where are you and your son headed today" the transport clerk asked cheerily

"We're gonna see my mommy at Starfleet Medical, that's in San Francisco, she isn't very well" Edward shouted with excitement, as the man typed out the info on a PADD. Chakotay handed him a payment ID and the clerk smiled

"Well I hope your wife gets better sir" the man smiled behind them and when Chakotay went to correct him Eddie was dragging him to the transport site.

Once at Starfleet Medical it was clear the dark haired boy knew where he was going and was eager to get there, pulling Chakotay along.

"Floor 10 please" he instructed the elevator and they waited. The little boy clung tightly to the taller man, occasionally they would smile or tug on their ear but it was a quiet ride. Exiting the elevator they took a sharp turn and down some steps onto a long corridor. They walked down the corridor and just before they reached the end Eddie stopped.

"Do you love my mommy?"

"Yes" Chakotay replied without a second thought, he never should have let her go.

They pushed old the door and found themselves in a living room type thing with a sofa and table a few recreational PADDs scattered around, through a door of to the side Chakotay spotted a bathroom, but the door in front is the door the little boy tapped on.

"Come in" a voice that sounded so much like Kathryn but the total opposite, it was so tired and Chakotay felt a pang of guilt and heartache, how could he have let this happen to her.

"Mommy, he loves you too" the boy announced heading to the bed his mother sat in, legs in front, arms folded softly and head to the side.

"Who does?" She sighed

"Chakotay, he loves you too" he repeated for his mother who's eyes were closed as if sleeping.

"No, please don't say things like that. He left and he is never coming back to us." as her son opened his mouth to answer Chakotay stepped in.

"But I'm back now and I can't apologise enough" sat at her bedside and watched her eyes light up as she opened them and saw him their beside her. Tears fell down her even paler cheeks as she tried to hug him but her position stopped her. The three talked for hours and it was well after Eddie's bedtime when the adults noticed their own exhaustion.

"I'Il be back tomorrow. While he's at school, I'm sorry I let you down" he held her cheek tenderly

"No, don't come tomorrow. I...I have a check-up and I get grumpy, there's no coffee before check-ups" he nodded suspiciously and picked up his son.

Arriving home he called B'Elanna and told her Eddie was with him and he would stay the night, if that was alright and while she said yes, he heard Seven mutter her protests. She was angry and he could tell but he didn't want to fight. He simply placed his son in the spare bed and then lay on the sofa in the same room and watched him sleep, in an endearing way.

He woke at 0300, passing through to his shared room and found Seven sitting in their room. She looked sad.

"What have I done? You are so damaged here, I can not bear to witness that. Let's go tomorrow" she held his hands, it was strange how sometimes she could be as stoic as a Vulcan and other times embraced emotions like a betazoid. It was as if she used her emotions to get him on side.

Seven was due any minute. He was breaking up with her and trying with Kathryn, after all it was where his heart belonged. She was on time and upon the swish of the doors closing she was hugging him, tightly.

"I'm sorry. It was insensitive what I said earlier but I want to make it up to you." She had spoken with such emotion

"Seven I can't..."

"Let's get married. We love each other, it seems right to do so" she held his hand to her cheek.

It was strange though, he never could remember his response, he remembered waking up with her waiting by the bed and then agreeing to keep it a secret and then it was his shift. What had happened in between?

"Seven I can't. I left before and look what's happened. In just five years so much has changed, we should stay, make a life for ourselves. Settle down have kids, let them grow up here on this ranch with other children. What do you say?" He had her hand clasped in his.

"No. I feel uncomfortable here, I can't stay. " she sounded like a child but as her husband he had to listen to her.

"Well why don't we have a trial period. Stay here for a year and if it's still as awkward for you then we will leave. How does that sound?"

"No, I've made our arrangements we leave at 0900 tomorrow"

"I slept with Kathryn" he admitted, knowing it would be the fall of their marriage."Five years ago, after Naomi's birthday, we got drunk and slept together. Her son is my son. Edward Kolopak is mine...ours" he explained.

"After all I did. In five years of marriage you failed to inform me of this copulation, well I know I must forgive you. You were intoxicated, she manipulated you"

"Seven, she was intoxicated too. I am staying here on earth and I think it would be best if we..."

"Terminated this relationship." She finished and turned to a bag on the floor, picking it up she left as she sauntered out the room he saw something under the pillow, a PADD.

Picking it up he read it and his world all made sense. He had received the letters but Seven had stopped him from seeing them by faking breakdowns in communication and reviewing anything he sent out shipping back to their station. He felt betrayed all this time he was guilty because of Kathryn but really he should have been guilty because of Seven.

He never went back to sleep and at 0700 he was in the kitchen making breakfast. It wasn't strange to cook for someone so young because he was used to keeping the portions small for his wife. Laying the food on the table at 0730 he walked upstairs to the spare room. His son was sprawled out on the bed neck twisted right and his arms reaching for the beds edge, he smirked and remembered his mother told him he used to sleep like that.

"Hey wake up bud." He called tapping his shoulder, a groan emanated and a mumble of protest. "Enough of that, you have school today" yet another complaint muffled by his position. Chuckling he lifted the boy and heard distinct giggle as he ran down the stairs with the black haired boy over his shoulder.

"Put me down." Chakotay caught through the giggles.

"Alright then but your breakfast is getting cold so you have to eat it now. Has anyone ever told you about Neelix?" He asked sitting his son at the table where his plate sat.

"Yes Uncle Tom says he wasn't a very good chef" he nodded grabbing an already cut piece of toast. Chakotay nodded and told the little boy about Leola Root stew, and they laughed at each other's funny faces.

At 0830 they were making their way to Tom and B'Elanna's when they heard a scream. Running towards it they discovered B'Elanna on the ground hands clutching her stomach and a circle of children around her.

"Oh thank god! Chakotay you have to help me to hospital. Reaching for B'Elanna he commed the hospital to let them know and then commed Tal to sort out the children. On the way B'Elanna was foul, she was cursing about pain, about Tom, about how stupid Chakotay was, which to be fair was kind of true.

At the hospital, Tom was waiting and they were whisked off to a maternity ward, he decided to visit Kathryn. He knew she had said no but he needed a friend and she was his friend.

Making his way to her room, on floor 10, seemed different. It was quieter than the last time and less busy. He crept in and noticed all the lights were off, maybe she was asleep.

She lay very still her chest moving steadily, she was asleep.

"Hello?" She called out "Joe I thought we said 1000 hours, I need to clear my head" she continued.

"It's me. B'Elanna's in labour so I guess you could say I was in the neighbourhood" he tried to joke with her.

"I told you not to come here, I've a check up at ten...please go" she sounded as her voice was barely holding together.

"I'm sorry I came it's just Seven and I we...we have decided to terminate our relationship. I had to tell someone. You probably need your rest so..." He turned back to the door but could hear the distinct cry. He rushed over to her bed side and saw the tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Tell Eddie I love him, and stay on earth don't leave him...or me" she whimpered blindly grabbing for him. He had hoisted himself into the bed and managed to hold her to him.

"I'd never dream of it Kathryn...I'll never leave you ever again" he whispered against her hair. They sat in silence for what felt like hours, Chakotay noted that Joe did not come at 10 or at 1030 in fact at 1100 he couldn't hear a thing only breathing. It wasn't normal though, it was only his.

"No" he whispered as he pulled Kathryn to him, she wasn't breathing, she didn't move when he stroked her hair or cheek, she was dead. He did not let go, he just held her rocking back and fourth, tears falling freely.

"No" he whimpered as he lifted looked upon her face, so still and lifeless, she was warm and so he clung to her, afraid to let her go.

"Chakotay, I thought Kathryn told you not come today?" The doctor stated as he walked in, he didn't react to her lifeless body at all

"She knew and you knew." The tattooed man whispered, a curt nod was given as reply. He still held her and asked for five more minutes.

"I'm sorry Kathryn" he whispered in her ear, not caring if she would never hear him. "I betrayed you and I'll never forgive myself for what I have done to you. You must know I have never stopped loving you and my heart will always belong to you. I will protect our son with everything I am and make sure he becomes a great man, I'll encourage him and push him to do his best and most importantly he will always remember you. His strong, brave, kind and caring mother who was, at times a little stubborn. I'm going to miss you and my spirit will grieve you until the day I die. I am eternally yours Kathryn Janeway" he kissed her forehead and untangled himself from her before laying her down so she looked comfortable one last kiss on the hand and before he headed to the door.

=/\=

Author's Note: Hope this cleared things up. Please leave a review they are much appreciated

Thanks

That-Geek