Just to clear up any confusion from the last chapter, when I spoke about Reid following a rented car I was hinting that he had been watching Gideon and followed him to his hotel. Gideon knew Reid would find him because he knows Reid. Hope that's sorted out any issues. Thank you to those people who have already reviewed. People who haven't, please do.
General disclaimer to cover all preceding chapters: I do not own anything related to Criminal minds and this is all done without profit.
I stop running. I am shaking all over. Running the distances I have when you can't remember when you last ate isn't the healthiest thing in the world. The hunger is really taking its toll, but it doesn't bother me, just as long as I have enough strength to do what is necessary. I'm no longer worried about why I don't eat. I know why I'm doing it, know why it feels right. Know why I was never afraid of hurting my body but always terrified of getting help. I realised why as I looked into Jason Gideon's eyes and wondered why I felt like it was so wrong for another person to love me.
A cab is passing and I flag it down, my plan fully formed.
"I need to stop at a store where I can buy a pen and paper. Wait outside."
The cabbie, a white guy who looks like he can handle himself, is surprised at how I look, but when he asks I say I'm fine.
At the store the cabbie takes me to I just about manage to buy a pack of pens, some paper and some envelopes and then stagger back to the taxi. The cabbie is about to give me grief about going to the hospital but I cut him off and give him the address of Gideon's cabin. It felt right for it to be there.
"Get me there and I'll give you $1000."
The cabbie doesn't believe I'm serious, "You sure you got that?"
I close my eyes. I'm so tired. All I want to do is lie down and sleep. I barely have the strength to dig in my pocket but I manage to throw a wad of notes at him.
"Get me a really strong coffee as well, with lots of sugar."
The cabbie's eyes are huge; he greedily snatches up the money.
"You got it, boss." The cab squeals off. Whilst I sit in the back I compose my letter with shaking hands. I make sure to write slowly and carefully, I want it to be readable.
The cabbie drops me off at Gideon's abandoned cabin; he even forces the door for me when I tell him I don't have a key. The guy's so happy he'd probably do pretty much anything I asked him to. At least I get to leave behind one happy person.
I feel stronger after the coffee, ready to do what has to be done. I take one last look at my words and then I leave the letter propped up on a little coffee table.
As I make the preparations for what I am about to do, I'm not afraid. I feel peaceful.
It's strange – we've come full circle. Last time it was you leaving me a letter, now it's the other way round. I know why I'm doing this now, Gideon. When I saw the love in your eyes in that hotel room, I felt such revulsion. I am not worthy of such pure feelings. I can't say why, even now, but that doesn't matter. I want you to know I am truly sorry, I know this will hurt you. I wish it wouldn't. This isn't your fault, you did everything right. But this world is better off without me. I am doing the right thing, I know that now. That's what my body has been trying to tell me. I love you like a father. It has been an honour and a privilege to know you. I will always appreciate the kindness you showed me.
Morgan, you were like the brother I never had. Thank you for always being there. Don't blame yourself. I'm sorry.
To the rest of the team – I was never happier than when I worked with you. I respected you all more than any other people I have ever known. I loved you like you were my family. Thank you. I am so sorry to hurt you, please move on and forget about me.
Tell my mother I'm sorry and I loved her.
Don't worry, this isn't the complete end. At the very least you will find out what gave Reid such a low opinion of himself. I haven't decided what else is going to happen though. As always, please review.