Suicide is a terrible thing. They tell me that every second, without ever saying the words. It seeps out of their pores, pours out of their eyes in invisible rivers that flow through their body and slow down every touch, making every movement hesitant and fearful. The rivers pool on the floor around them and I feel the invisible tide rising ever higher as I lie tied to this nondescript bed, unable to raise my head up high enough to keep it above their sympathy.

Of course they would figure my little plans out, clever boys and girls. They think they help, they think tubes into my body are good for me and if they swamp me with enough doctors they can fix me. And I'm the deluded one, am I? Can't they see the truth in front of them? I'm not supposed to be here; anyone with clear eyes could look at me and see that. But they are blinded by their selfishness. They try and keep me tied here, when all I need is to be set free.

Gideon is the hardest to deal with. He looks down at me with those kind, sad, fatherly eyes and it makes my skin crawl and eyes sting. Why would they want to put me through this? They fatten my body like I knew they would. They rape me with their feeds. Can't they understand I don't care if I get ill? I don't care if my teeth rot, my hair falls out, my heart breaks, my organs fail. I know the consequences of what I do. I'm not afraid.

I'm angry at them, of course, how could I not be? But I understand their intentions are pure. They are borne out of love, a love that is undeserved. Gideon asks me why, and I can't tell him. I don't know why, and I don't even care anymore. But Gideon cares. He asks over and again, trying to pry into my past and find some sort of trigger. I've told him not to bother, it's all irrelevant.

I just want them to leave me alone. They took away my peace. They dragged me back into this nightmare. I'm a ghost, my time was already up, and it's unnatural for me to be here now. My body tells me that. Why would I feel so disgusted and panicked at the thought of what that tube is doing if it weren't wrong? It's like they're pouring cement into that hole that grew in my soul, and they don't know I'm still inside it. How will I ever be able to dig myself out with them still pumping this filth inside me? I'll never feel better if they keep making me dirty, but I can't clean it out of myself. I'm tied down, I can't even be sick.

Just let me disappear.

"Please Spencer, talk to me. You're unhappy, if you tell us what's going on we can help you get better."

"No, Gideon. There's no reason for me to tell you. No stressor. I've just finally realised the truth."

"What truth?"

"I don't deserve to be here." The words were barely a whisper, but they echoed around the small still room. "All my life I've felt wrong. I tried to deny it. But I couldn't run from it anymore Gideon, I'm sorry. I have to do what's right." Reid looked to the wall opposite the broken man beside him. He couldn't roll over because of the straps to stop him hurting himself more, so he had to settle for not looking at people. It hid the tear slowly rolling down his cheek.

"But Spencer, think of all the good you've done,, all the lives you've helped. You're a good person." Gideon's voice sounded desperate, it sent a wave of cold over Reid to hear it.

"No, Gideon. I'm sorry. What I do doesn't change what I am. I'd like some time on my own now please. Tell the rest of the team I don't want to see them."

"Alright, Spencer." Gideon got up quietly, his sad eyes sweeping over the young man in front of him. Reid was doing his best to avoid eye contact, despite the bindings on his wrists. Bandages were wrapped tightly around his wrists. Gideon's cabin would still stink of his blood. Reid had pressed himself down into the mattress, facing away from him. He didn't respond when Gideon put his hand on his shoulder, so Gideon sighed and left the hospital room.

Hotch had been listening to the conversation through the microphone Gideon was wearing.

"What do you think?" Hotch's voice was serious. He was sat in an adjacent room to Reid and addressed Jason when he entered and sat down. They were alone; he had sent the rest of the team to get a drink.

"We need to find out what happened to make him feel this way. There must have been some sort of stressor. Spencer has always had low self-esteem, but it's never been anywhere near this level of self-loathing."

"We're lucky we found him in time." Gideon just nodded silently. Hotch sighed. "You saved his life Jason. If you hadn't realised he would go to your cabin we wouldn't have been there in time."

"I know Aaron." He said it simply. Hotch decided not to press him further, and they sat in silence for a few moments.

Jason sat up, attracting Hotch's attention. "Well, the eating disorder is definitely self-punishment."

"We need to figure out why he's punishing himself though. He was talking about feeling worthless, we need to look into his life and find anything that could have happened in his life to trigger this. He started losing weight about 6 months ago; I'll get Garcia to see if she can find any records for that time that could help us." Gideon just nodded again. Hotch got up to leave the room, but turned back as he got to the door. "Jason, we got him back. We can help him now; we can get him to see a doctor. He'll be alright." Hotch left Gideon looking out of the door after him, before he pulled Spencer's letter out of his pocket and began to read it again.

"Ok, thanks Garcia." Hotch put the phone down and turned to the rest of the team who sat waiting to hear the news. "He's stable; His doctor said that he'll be physically ready to leave in a few days, but that it's best to have him transferred to a psychiatric care hospital."

They all glanced down or away from each other at the words. It was hard to accept and they were quiet for a minute.

"So what'd he say to Gideon?" Morgan was sat with his palms together, bent forward on his knees. His eyes shone, and his voice was sad.

"He feels worthless. We need to find out why if we're going to help him. Garcia has taken some leave so she can help us look. I've also granted everyone on the team a few days leave out of your holiday time; I hope that's alright with all of you."

"Of course." Prentiss answered for everyone

"Can we see him?" JJ asked quietly. Her eyes were red from tears but her voice was steady.

"He's asked to be left alone for now."

"Come on, Hotch, man, he needs us." Morgan had stood up, his face pained.

"No, we need to respect his wishes. He's had so many doctors with him the past few hours, he deserves some peace."

"Morgan, he's right. We all want to see him, but he needs some space." Rossi spoke up for the first time from where he sat in the corner.

"We should all go and get some rest, Garcia is researching from her home, she'll call when she has something."

"Do we have any idea what she might find?" Rossi asked from the corner.

"No, not yet." Hotch left the waiting room and they filed after him reluctantly.