Folie à Deux
Chapter 9: The Road Ahead
-x-X-x-
Something dark had taken root inside of Yuri, something that now threatened to consume him entirely. It had started with a seed of doubt, planted way back when Brave Vesperia had confronted Phaeroh. In speaking with the massive, winged Entelexia, it began to dawn on him that there was something fundamentally wrong with his reasoning.
It is sometimes necessary to remove a part to save the whole, Phaeroh had said. His words mirrored something Yuri had spoken with conviction earlier, almost a mantra he'd sworn by as he struck down those he deemed infectious to the world. But in that moment, Yuri had shot back without thinking: "I don't buy that for a second." None of the others had called him out on it – they had wanted to protect Estelle too – but his blatant hypocrisy was impossible to ignore. "What makes you so high and mighty that you're the one to decide who gets cut and who doesn't?"
The memory of it made his stomach churn. He'd always been so sure of what was right and what was wrong, but everything he stood for had been turned upside down once it came to the Child of the Full Moon. And once his moral code had been rendered flawed and began to unravel, the gravity of his past sins began to weigh down on him like a millstone around his neck. He questioned what he was doing and, in turn, who he really was. Part of him had known he needed to change, but part of him had to continue on the path he'd chosen.
When Estelle had been taken, he'd been forced into making a choice. Unwilling to abandon his creed, he'd set out to-
Yuri shook his head. This was why he hated thinking too much. Over and over the same thoughts reverberated in his mind, and it didn't accomplish anything but to dig him deeper into despair. He was more a man of action… though he hadn't done a damn thing since discovering Estelle had left town. He ate (sometimes), slept (poorly), and breathed (barely), and that was about all he could handle these days.
The others had tried to visit him, probably to talk some sense into him, but he'd shut them all out, ignoring them until they gave up. He didn't want to have to explain himself - he could barely make sense of things in his own head – and he already knew how stupid and ill mannered and heartless and whatever-else-they-would-come-up-with he was.
He knew, deep down, that there was only one person who could save him from the chokehold of his own thoughts, one person who could help to dispel this awful darkness in his head and in his heart.
Maybe it was selfish to seek her out, but as it was, he was here doing nothing, helping no one. He had been waiting for things to change, but the past few weeks had seen nothing but decline. He didn't know where she had gone, nor did he know what he would – or could - possibly say to make things better. He didn't even know right from wrong anymore. He was sure of only two things: that it hurt too much to be without her, and that he was irrevocably in love with her.
-x-X-x-
Just talk to me, Flynn wanted to say, but Estellise didn't seem up for anything past small talk. Yet again.
She'd been deeply upset back at the castle, and he had an idea about what had happened (or at least who had upset her), but she wouldn't say what happened, so he didn't push the issue.
He'd asked if she wanted to come to Aurnion with him, where he was leaving for to further develop security, and she'd said yes. Part of him had asked simply because she wanted to get away, but part of him had hoped she'd open up and talk to him. Part of him had hoped to sweep her off her feet.
Week after week passed, though, and she seemed as distant as ever. She was polite as always, but it became more and more evident that she'd accepted his offer more to be away from Zaphias and Halure than to be here with him.
-x-X-x-
The giant tree was in full bloom, but there'd been no sign of Estelle. The Mayor hadn't seen her, nor had the people of Halure.
Yuri sighed, staring at the candy pink petals tumbling to the ground, and thought back to the first time they'd come here. "Please, great tree. Bloom," Estelle had pleaded, and the tree had burst forth with life.
He remembered the time they'd come back to Halure, just the two of them, to make good on the mayor's promise of VIP blossom-viewing picnic seats. They'd been all alone, and he remembered the way his heart had leapt when she'd leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. He'd barely looked at the petals.
And, of course, he couldn't forget the moment she'd decided to become an author, here under this tree. Surrounded by an audience, she had been in her element, and she was brilliant. She'd told him many stories, though he couldn't remember what any of them had been about – he'd been more preoccupied with noticing the way her eyes shone while she told a story, the way her lips quirked when she thought up a plot twist, how her hands clapped together once she'd worked out how to resolve it…
They'd shared many memories under that tree. Of course she wouldn't want to come here.
-x-X-x-
As the days went by, Estelle seemed to be less sad, but Flynn recognized that there was a difference between not being sad and being happy. That sparkle was gone from her eyes and voice, and whenever she went to go write, he noticed the page she was on was always blank.
"You were happier before," he told her one evening, as he joined her under the stars.
She looked startled. "What? I don't-"
"I've known you long enough, Estellise. I can tell," he said. "I can see it in your eyes."
She looked away. "I…"
"I just want to know if there's anything I can do."
"I… don't know," she whispered. The words seemed heavy, but that was alright.
He put his cloak over her shoulders so she could continue to gaze at the night sky. At some point, he put his hand over hers, but he wasn't sure if she even noticed.
-x-X-x-
Yuri searched for her in Capua Nor, Capua Torim, Heliord, and Dahngrest, but she hadn't been in any of those places. He was exhausted and he'd been wounded, but he couldn't rest until he found her.
He realized that she was likely in Aurnion. Still, it would be the last place he would check. It was stupid, but he didn't want to admit to himself that she was probably with Flynn.
He set out for Nordopolica.
-x-X-x-
"Estellise," Flynn said one day. His voice sounded anxious, like what was behind his lips had been pent up for ages. He didn't meet her eyes, like he was afraid of what he might find. He took a breath. "I… I know this may be a bit forward, and I know I might be overstepping my bounds, and I know you might not feel the same, but I need you to know…"
She looked up at him, curiously, but he couldn't seem to finish his sentence. Instead, he took her wrists and slowly, lightly pressed his lips to her own.
She wondered if she was doing it wrong. Her pulse didn't quicken; her pupils didn't dilate; her breathing remained even. She barely felt a thing.
He could tell, too. He let her go.
Estelle studied him. He was handsome and strong; he looked like the Amber Knight she envisioned, the kind of man she thought she'd fall in love with. And he was kind. So kind he'd never hurt her, never say anything that might upset her. It didn't matter that he was the Commandant, running off to "all corners of the world"; even when he left, it never hurt. It was comfortable, but perhaps that was the problem - it was too easy.
She'd never get anxious around him and not know what to say. She'd never be afraid she wouldn't get the words out quite right when she was with him, or be afraid to get too close or too far. It wouldn't hurt her when they fought – they wouldn't fight at all – and when he left, it would never be unbearable. She'd never feel pain, not the kind that Yuri caused her.
But without hurt, without pain… maybe it couldn't ever be love. Not the kind she'd felt for Yuri. Not the kind she, for whatever reason, wanted - maybe even needed. It wasn't something she understood, but her heart was now achingly clear on what – who – it longed for.
"I'm so sorry, Flynn," she whispered. She could see the hurt in his eyes and her own began to sting.
He shook his head. "No, don't be. It's not your fault. I-I shouldn't have-"
"Thank you for the kiss," she said as she heard his voice break. A tear rolled down her cheek as she wrapped her arms tightly around him, and she was relieved when he squeezed back. He buried his head in her shoulder and the two stayed like that for a small eternity.
-x-X-x-
"Commandant? Are you alright?"
"Hm?" Flynn's blue eyes were hazy; he barely noticed his lieutenant standing behind him.
"P-please, forgive me for intruding," Sodia stammered.
He shook his head, then rested his arms on the railing of the balcony, staring into the distance. "What did I do wrong?" he murmured mostly to himself. Perhaps if he had just been brave enough to tell her back then, maybe things would have ended up differently…
"If… If I may," Sodia started, joining him. "You haven't done anything wrong."
He looked at her, as if just noticing her presence.
It would have been hard not to notice that Flynn had been upset. Though he still performed his duties, his personality seemed dulled, and given the pain that seemed to radiate from him whenever he was near the Princess, it wasn't hard to surmise what had happened. Ioder, ever observant, had noticed too, and had requested Sodia go with Flynn to Zaphias. They were to help oversee a large-scale water sanitation project that Witcher was working on with Rita – an important project to be sure, though it seemed the Emperor was just as concerned with who Flynn would be working with as the project itself. Sodia had come to tell him of their reassignment, though that could wait.
"You haven't done anything wrong," she repeated quietly, "…and maybe that's the problem." She was unsure of whether or not her counsel was welcome, and she was definitely overstepping her boundaries, but it hurt her to see him so sad and so she spoke anyway. "Her Highness… she seems ill-suited to a life of order and propriety. She seems to have a thing for breaking the rules."
Flynn nodded. It wasn't something he could change; his personality was built on rules and giving due respect. He'd known from the moment she'd left the castle that she was happier outside it, and being confined to a life with him couldn't make her happy. Yuri had had her heart from the beginning, and as hard as it was to accept that, Flynn was glad that it was Yuri. "Yuri will take good care of her."
The girl's blind, Sodia thought to herself, though thought it better unsaid. "And you will too, Commandant." She swallowed and lightly placed her hand on his arm. "After all, there are many kinds of love."
He looked at her and seemed to study her face. She could barely breathe. "You're right," he said at last. "Thank you, Sodia."
Her heart was racing but she didn't remove her hand. What was there to lose? Sodia took a deep breath and told him, "She just doesn't see… what I see."
-x-X-x-
It had been months since Estelle had seen Yuri but he was still always on her mind, especially after her kiss with Flynn had made her feelings for Yuri crystal clear. She kept imagining he was here in Aurnion; every time she saw dark hair or heard a deep voice, her heart would lurch before realizing it wasn't him.
The day that it was him, she could scarcely believe her eyes. It was dusk, the sky a pale rose. She sat in a meadow amidst reeds and blossoms, absentmindedly twirling her pen, looking around her instead of the mostly empty pages of the book in her lap. And then she heard him.
"…Estelle?"
His voice was rough and he approached slowly, and she realized he was hurt. She opened her mouth to say something, but he spoke again. "I finally found you." He took a few more steps before dropping to his knees.
She hurried over to where he was and saw he had accumulated several injuries. They looked like monster attacks, but they looked like they'd come from different creatures scattered across Terca Lumireis. Talons, blades, fangs, stingers, thorns… She gasped. "Yuri? What on earth have you been doing?"
"Looking for you," he said simply, so straightforward it was almost cryptic.
"Just hold on," she shook her head, holding her hands out to heal him.
A golden light encircled the both of them, illuminating the meadow, and he moaned with relief. He must have been in a lot of pain.
She went to work on his individual injuries as he spoke again. "Estelle. I'm so sorry I hurt you," he half-whispered. "What I said… It came out all wrong. It was never supposed to come out at all. But of all the ways, that was probably the worst."
She paused for a moment, looking him in the eyes, begging him to continue. He forced himself to keep eye contact. "What I said… about being in love with you. It was the truth," he said at last.
Her hands dropped to her side. "Wh-what?" she stammered.
He looked away. "I know. It's not fair of me to drop that on you. Especially not now, not here, while you're with-"
"Flynn and I aren't seeing each other," she interrupted. "But… but I thought you didn't…"
"I wish I didn't," he said. He closed his eyes. "It would be so much easier that way."
She looked down. "Am I… a poison?"
He shook his head. "No. But I might be." He glanced up at her. "I'm not a good person, Estelle. I've killed people. I nearly killed you. You should stay away from me."
She could see the pain in his eyes as he spoke words that he meant but didn't want to be true. He continued. "I tried to keep my distance. But I just… I can't do it anymore."
"Then that's why…" she breathed. Why he had been so cold, so dark, so empty.
She kept her face level with his and placed her fingertips to his temples. As they glowed gold she heard him gasp with relief and she could see the tension in his body start to dissipate.
She looked into his eyes, and noticed things she'd never seen there before. Anxiety. Fear. Longing. Need. He awaited her response with bated breath.
"You know, one of the things I liked about you when we first met was how you never made decisions for me or told me what was best." She held his gaze. "Why, now, would you decide this for me? That I'd be better off keeping my distance?"
He had no answer for her.
"Even if it is an uncertain path, I'd rather have an unstable future than a life without you. A life without you isn't much of a life at all. …Even if you eventually grow tired of me, my heart has made its decision, so please, Yuri. Let me love you."
She watched him, waiting for him to say something, anything, but he didn't speak. His eyes told her, though, that his mind was resolute; he would never leave her.
Slowly, cautiously, he tilted her chin up and pressed his lips to hers. Though a little rougher than with Flynn it technically wasn't all that different, but this time she felt something. Her breathing hitched. She felt anxious, afraid, excited.
He gazed at her, wondering just when he fell for her – he'd loved her for quite some time, but just never knew. He'd been attracted to her from the start, but when he started to really care for her was when he'd started to push her away. He deepened the kiss, months – maybe years – of longing pressed into this one moment.
Estelle thought her heart might catch fire, and she was sure that this was how it was meant to be.
-x-X-x-
One more time, Estelle placed her hand to Yuri's temple, the familiar golden glow creating a halo around his head. The darkness dispersed in the light.
Her hand trailed down to his chest, hovering over the left side where his heart lay. "I'm afraid that my healing artes won't work here," she said quietly. "As the Child of the Full Moon, I can't be of much assistance. …But as Estelle, I'll do my utmost best each and every day to help fix this, and I promise we'll succeed. All I ask is that you let me help you and let me stay by your side."
Yuri wrapped his arms around her as if he'd never let go and kissed her softly in response. He tucked a strand of pink hair behind her ear so he could properly see the face of his guardian angel. "Always."
In that moment, it didn't matter who she was or what he'd done. They were just two people who had finally found love, and that was all that would ever matter.