A/N: I'm back from spring break with an update for you guys. Enjoy :)
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN GOSSIP GIRL
Rated: T mostly for language.
Thanks so much to my lovely reviewers for your constant support: RIP Casey3, Stella296, xoxogg4lifexoxo, EZ11, CarolinaGirl21, tvrox12, bluestriker666, LayRay, chairlovforever, ggff-fan, LitPrincess2787, Juicyxoxocharm16, KB22, smartin555, annablake, and odyjha.
Chuck was filled with an excruciating happiness the moment he saw Blair's letter, Jenny must have dropped it by the apartment today. A letter meant that Blair had forgiven him for the way he acted, he knew it. So Chuck couldn't stop smiling as he ripped it open. Perhaps had he not been so elated, the letter's contents wouldn't have been so utterly devastating.
Chuck,
This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. I wrote my letter to you before we had our confrontation and now the words that I said aren't necessarily the truth. The things that you said to me that night proved something to me that I had long been attempting to disprove. I had built you up in my mind to be this amazing guy who would love me unconditionally, but seeing you like that when I was just trying to protect you showed me that I was wrong. I can't trust that you will always be there for me like I can with Marcus. Even when I really screw up Marcus is there with open arms ready to comfort me. On the way back to London he and I talked and I realized that I have to give my marriage with him a chance if I ever want to be happy. All we have are a few letters that do more harm than good, intermingled with quick meetings that leave be broken because I know that we will never truly be together. I don't see a future with us like there could be with Marcus; we don't live the same life anymore. Please don't try to contact me again Chuck, it's too painful. I need to make a clean break this time. But you should know that I will always love you and I hope that you find happiness.
Blair W.
Chuck's hands were shaking as he came to the end of the letter. This had to be a fake, it had to be. But it was Blair's handwriting and everything about it was so her, from the wording to the last line wishing him fucking happiness. Fuck it even smelled like her. Still he couldn't believe it, she wouldn't do this, she wouldn't break things off so suddenly; but after what he had said to her a few weeks ago, could he really be surprised that she decided to give Marcus a shot. He had seen with his own two eyes that Marcus genuinely cared for her and was willing to give her the world without garnering anything in return.
I am colorblind,
Coffee black and egg white.
Pull me out from inside.
That's when he began to feel the heaviness. It was a heaviness that he recognized, one that had been gone since the beginning of junior year when Blair illuminated his world. She had been the one to smash through his carefully constructed fortress and now that she was gone there was no reason for this openness to remain.
He felt it inside as the incredible weight of hard stone began to settle in as he believed the truth of the letter. The weight seemed to crush him, squeezing all his emotions and feelings until they were crumbled into nothing more than dust; a dust that was able to be blown away with a slight breath. And then they were gone.
The coldness that remained after the weight had crushed in upon him was chilling, he felt dead on the inside . . . and it felt good. It was as though he was himself once more without the feelings that Blair had awakened. All the pain, both the excruciating and the delightful was gone; she would no longer plague his dreams or invade his psyche. This relationship was over by her hand and now he refused to feel anything at all.
I am ready,
I am ready,
I am ready,
I am....
Time passed strangely over the next two weeks. Nate and Jenny each knew that something was off in the group dynamic, Chuck was acting strangely; almost as though he and Blair had never happened. Jenny of course knew that the letters had stopped from both directions but had received no information from Blair or Chuck as to why. The only person she had shared this with had been Nate. Serena and Dan were still in their happy bubble and she didn't want to mess that up unless it was truly necessary.
As they sat in the library working, just Nate, Jenny, and Chuck, she couldn't help but think that Chuck even looked different, there was something missing in his eyes. He looked so much like the old Chuck Bass that it scared her down to her core. When she saw him stand to go get a book from the stacks she stood up and followed him. Once they were near the back of the library Chuck flipped around.
"Want to tell me what you're doing following me Humphrey?" Chuck asked snarkily.
Taffy stuck and tongue tied,
Stutter shook and uptight.
Pull me out from inside.
Jenny was immediately caught of guard; not simply because he had caught her, but because he hadn't called her Jenny. The last time he had called her Humphrey was before she and Blair were friends, before this year even started really. "I'm worried about you." She said honestly as she bit her lip. "You're not acting like yourself."
Chuck smirked and began to walk around her until he had her cornered, pressing his hands on either side of her against the stacks. "Funny, I think I'm acting more like myself than I have in years." He spoke moving his face closer to her own.
Jenny turned her chin up and spoke assuredly. "Cut it out Chuck. You are so much better than this."
Chuck's smirked turned into a sneer as he took one of his hands from the stacks and placed it on Jenny's stomach mockingly. "Does Nate know about our little secret yet?"
I am ready,
I am ready,
I am ready,
I am...fine......
At that Jenny jerked away. Chuck was a different person, she was sure of it. He wasn't the same guy she had known over the past two years. He was not her friend, he was that guy who tried to force her to have sex with him on the top of the roof. "What happened to you Chuck?" She asked sadly as she looked into his empty eyes, searching for any sign of the guy she knew.
Chuck felt her eyes on him and had to back away or risk her seeing him, seeing the part of him that he had buried away inside the fortress. He felt a spark as she searched his eyes and had to put it out quickly so as not to let it spread. He knew though that he had to tell her something to get her off his case for good. She just needed enough to know that any relationship that he had had with any of them that was more than platonic was officially over. Chuck Bass didn't have friends, he had people that he partied with, he had girls he screwed, he had geeks he cheated off of, and he had enemies. "Blair ended things, for good. Now any reason I would have had to be a better person than I was is gone and I'm done trying."
I am covered in skin,
No one gets to come in.
"I'm so sorry Chuck." Jenny said with a small gasp before recanting. "Are you sure she meant it?" Jenny asked trying to comfort her friend while hardly believing what he was saying. Blair loved Chuck, she would never do this. Even as she said the words she thought back to New Years in France. Sure she had spent time with Blair but they hadn't had any of those deep conversations where thoughts like these would emerge, something that was partially Jenny's fault because she felt so guilty for sleeping with Chuck.
Chuck rolled his eyes. "Don't be. I'm doing fine."
Jenny was surprised to hear sincerity in his words. In Chuck's mind he really was fine. She knew immediately that there was nothing that she could do for him. This wasn't like the last time, when Blair left and Chuck acted like nothing was wrong. No, that time he had still felt everything he had just been pretending. Now, he truly felt nothing. It was a scary emptiness that Jenny had never before witnessed so closely.
Pull me out from inside.
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding.
Jenny was still standing there shocked when Chuck decided that it might be fun to play with her a little bit. Something inside of him cringed, trying to hold him back, trying to tell him it was wrong, that Jenny was his friend; but he knew that if he wanted his old self back he couldn't let old 'friendships' remain. "You know, I think it might be fun to play a little game with Nathaniel. Maybe make a bet on what his reaction is going to be when I tell him about our little indiscretion."
Jenny was opening her mouth to ask why Chuck was doing this to her when she realized that it wasn't about her; none of it was. "You're destroying your life." She stated softly.
Chuck smirked. "It will be fun to watch it all go up in flames. I'm not joking about Nathaniel though. What I said before remains, either you tell him or I'll make sure he finds out and I can guarantee that you aren't going to like how that happens." Chuck said before turning from Jenny and walking away. He looked down at his shirt noting that he had chosen brighter colors than he had in a long time. For a moment it caused reflection. When he had Blair the colors he wore faded, if he had worn something quite this bright back then it would have seemed blinding; now they worked just fine.
I am,
colorblind,
Coffee black and egg white.
Pull me out from inside.
Jenny had to force herself to move after Chuck's parting comments. He was hurting, he was hurting so badly that he had shut everything down inside. But as bad for Chuck as she felt she knew that he was dangerous when he was like this; he wasn't kidding when he said that he would tell Nate. So she simply was going to have to bite the bullet and do it first. She walked up to the table and placed her hand on Nate's shoulder with this mission in mind. "Can you come outside with me for a minute?" She asked softly.
Nate looked up at her and smiled. "Sure." He spoke before pushing back his chair and following her outside the library door and into the hallway. "What's up?" He asked once they were safely out of earshot.
"There's something I wanted to talk to you about." She spoke, twisting her hands nervously.
I am ready,
I am ready,
I am ready,
Nate immediately saw the anxiety in her actions and heard the nerves in her voice. Lightly, he placed his hands on her shoulders in attempt to calm her. "Hey, whatever it is it's okay." He said sincerely.
Jenny felt as though she might collapse. What had she done? What she was about to say was going to ensure that she lost Nate for good. There was no way that he would still be looking at her with such loving eyes after what she was about to say. And just like that she couldn't do it, not without at least knowing whether or not she was pregnant. There was no reason to tell him that she thought she was pregnant if she wasn't. "It's Chuck, Blair broke up with him and I'm worried." She knew that that would be a good enough cover for Nate, he cared about his best friend.
"Wow" Nate said softly before he pulled Jenny into his arms. It was sweet how concerned she was about Chuck and this was definitely a big deal. "We'll be there for him any way we can." He spoke after a few moments.
"I know." She whispered as she relished the feel of Nate's arms around her. Who knew how much longer she would have this.
I am....fine.
I am.... fine.
I am fine.
Blair sat at the breakfast table refusing to show any emotion, any feeling at all. This wasn't like before when she closed herself off because of her mother's death, this was completely voluntary. She refused to be a willing participant in Marcus's game. She was here, he wasn't getting any more from her than that.
Blair took a sick sort of pleasure in watching Marcus struggle with the fact that she was being the ideal political wife; sit still, look pretty, and keep your mouth shut. Blair only ever spoke when spoken to and even then she kept her responses clipped. She knew that the spark was gone from her eyes again, she knew but she didn't care. The only way she could see that she would make it through this is by shutting herself off completely. Any emotions would simply cause her pain.
At the end of breakfast she was walking back up to her room to get ready for whatever today held when she felt Marcus place a hand on her shoulder. She turned slowly to glare at him. "Yes?" She asked demurely without a hint of a smile.
Marcus's grip on her shoulder tightened. "Stop this Blair." How could she act like this? She was like some sort of Stepford Wife, it wasn't normal. "This isn't the Blair I want."
Blair didn't even try to pretend. "You can keep me here, you can make me marry you, you can lock me away and never allow me human interaction other than you, but none of that will ever make me have feelings for you so why pretend otherwise. This may not be the Blair you want, but it's sure as hell the only Blair you're going to get."
Marcus felt his blood begin to heat up as it had done so often as of late. "Fine, but know that I take pleasure in knowing that the real Blair is somewhere inside of this hallow shell and that regardless of which Blair goes down that aisle both are going to be stuck with me."
As soon as Marcus finished speaking Blair turned and marched to her room. She was furious and that made her even more angry. Somehow Marcus had managed to get under her skin today and she really didn't want to feel any emotion at all right now, even anger. To keep busy she walked over to her calendar to see just what event she was getting ready for today. It had been a while since she had taken this close a look at her calendar, that's why the blue stars two rows up from the day's date, caught her off guard. Her period should have been three weeks ago, the week before Marcus found her letter. Blair's first thought was that she was stressed out, but as she recalled the stomach flu that she had contracted she felt a knot in her stomach, what if she was pregnant?
Immediately she started walking towards the main house and over into Kate's rooms. She knew that Kate was trying to get pregnant again, so she had to have a pregnancy test somewhere in her bathroom. Kate was gone for the weekend on a trip with her daughters so Blair didn't even have to worry about getting caught as she searched the bathroom drawers. Finally she spotted a test and for the second time in her life she followed the instructions on the back before sitting back and waiting. After what seemed like a century Blair picked up the test and looked down at the result.
Jenny's hands were shaking as she waited on the results from the pregnancy test. More than anything in the world she wanted the result to be negative. If it was negative all she had to tell Nate about was her one night stand with Chuck. Under the circumstances of that night, Nate might just forgive her; but if she was pregnant and the baby was Chuck's Nate would break up with her on the spot and who knows what Chuck would do now that he had decided to send his life up in flames. She could potentially be all alone in this, without help from Chuck or Nate. Finally she took a deep breath and looked at the result of the pregnancy test as it gave her her results.
A/N: No results today, you'll find out in the next chapter. Please review, you know I love getting them.
xoxo
kate