AN. Yeah. So.... I'm on the train yesterday morning pootling off to work and BAM! Chairpire is whispering some plot in my ear so I whip out my notebook because DAMN! that's some good story right there and I think my readers will get down with that. And I'm sitting there and scratching away in this little notebook that materialises like magic from the depths of my bag (and Yahtzee because seriously when did I put that in there? 2007 maybe and I've only just found it? Oh look the front page actually says 2007 and there are tiny hearts around my name! Cute! And a little disturbing... I have actually drawn hearts AND *stars* around my name... maybe I wasn't always this sarcastic? Or maybe 2007 me was taking the piss... this also sounds likely but caffeine didn't exist to me then so that time period has been wiped from my mind) when I notice the person next to me has decided that they want in – because the newspaper they are reading is DULL and have started reading my writing instead... So I initiate eye contact (a danger on public transport let's be honest) and he's staring, and i'm staring, and i'm getting chapter two flashbacks, and he's still staring back and possibly looking a little afraid now... So I cock the eyebrow (yeah that skill is on my CV too) and politely state "what?" it's early, I have had no caffeine yet, he's lucky he got four letters and some punctuation thrown in there, others have been less lucky...
"What's a PPOV?"
psssh! If you don't know I'm not explaining! And RUDE MUCH?!?! Wait for my update like everyone else and then review me with your questions!
"Google it"
Yes, we youth of today are cheeky buggers, deal with it sunshine! (24 is still young right?)
I'm still smiling when I get into the office. And the proles are looking a little afraid... they should.
L x
BPOV
The sun is bleeding into the horizon and there is a blond vampire two inches from my face. Ok. That's closer than the last time I woke up. Maybe the next one will just crawl up inside my spine and live there! I don't think I've seen this one before but that means dick because i'm a "danger magnet" like that or as I believe the super secret bonus item in 'vamp-eye spy' quarterly. I bet they have to get a picture with me and the winner gets a t-shirt and a fuckton of kudos or something. They live a long time, they must get really bored sometimes.
Anyways. Like I said. There is another vampire in my face and she's looking a little confused. Not sure why, I've clearly staked out this bed as my territory and claimed this land as my own. I haven't got round to making the flag yet and ratifying this with the UN, and I've not had anything to drink in a while so I can't exactly pee out the extent of the borders, but we shoot trespassers like vermin here, so scat!
She cocks her head minutely to the side, but otherwise makes no movement.
Guess it's time to roll out the welcome wagon to the natives before I sell their land and give them smallpox...
I widen my eyes like Disney's Bambi and flutter my lashes, causing a hurricane somewhere on the other side of the world.
"Are you going to eat me?"
May as well get straight to the point. The other fuckers aren't pulling through on their end of the bargain. Where have all the proper vamps gone? I've been stuck with the pussies! Unknown vamp number two takes a step back and appraises me like a steak in a butchers shop, or a Robert Pattinson GQ outtakes thumbs in belt eyes smouldering at the camera photograph... because just damn! you soooooo would!
"Not until you have a wash down there. You stink sugar. Clean much?"
Oh snap! I like you!
There was a time when I'd back down from something like that and blush like a fire hydrant in the corner, but I'm Bella-fucking -Swan now and I break bitches every day because fear is a waste of time and who knows when it'll run out. But this little lady has just called a page from my play book and I can respect that. Plus her boots are all kinds of wicked.
"And your not my type so looks like we're both shit out of luck. Which of the fuckups is yours? Chairpire or j-emo?"
"Chairpire? Fuck do I even want to know?"
"Well apparently manners were frowned upon when he was turned or he's the wrong side of special because introductions were not issued, and he decided it was ok to eyeball me from the chair and then attempt to laugh his pretty face off, so I had to name him myself. Chair + vampire = chairpire. What's not to get? Oh yeah and where the hell am I because I should be in Mexico and the cabana boys are going to be upset"
"Pick a body part"
Ok random much? Have I blacked out and missed a block of conversation again?
"Ummm... what?"
"You look like a smart girl, and you appear to have some brain function, what's not to understand? Pick. A. Body. Part."
Well OK crazy lady I'll play your game...
"Pinkys?" They're a body part right? Christ if I knew there was going to be a fucking quiz I might have at least pretended to have studied!
This answer appears to please her no end though. I've hit the star prize and I'm getting the all expenses paid holiday and the jet-ski! Woo! Wonder if they'll throw in the cuddly toy...
"Nice. You're just outside Balmorhea, Texas" She's having a little squint in my direction like she's stuck on the demon level of a sudoku puzzle; it's doing all sorts of fucked up things to her face and giving her the patented j-emo constipated look, which is all kinds of funny "You obviously know what we are, I can smell Jasper all over you, and judging by the nickname you know what he can do. So who are you?" There's nothing threatening about this. She's dealing with this a lot better than I would if I found someone molesting my fuckawesome mattress and sheets and pillows... Not that she really needs them but yeah I'd still cut a bitch for that. And I'm curious over how much of me she can smell jasper because southern gentleman my ass! Those hands better have stayed above the clothes! This is the most action I've got in a while and I was passed the fuck out!?! No fair!
"Bella Swan. Vampire magnet extraordinaire. I'd give you my card but I wasn't expecting to be kidnapped and those are in my other pants. And ditto?"
"It's a pleasure to meet you Bella Swan, I'm Charlotte Whitlock. And I apologise for on all sorts of levels for 'chairpire', aka my husband Peter. He was repeatedly smacked in the head as a newborn. Fortunately what the man lacks in social skills is made up in other areas..."
Over share? TMI!!!! TMI!!!! But also I'm imagining that in my head because they're both pretty smoking and I traded all the good porn for gas at that last stop... Hang on though, because three Whitlocks? This is just too fucking good!
"J-emo's into the big love?"
And there's the laughter again.
I'm going to send them a bill for this comedy act. I should be in Vegas with a pair of tigers and an assistant. Oh and I want the tigers in sparkly waistcoats and hats because it's my show and I want to watch the poor fucker who has to wrangle them into those each night from behind a pain of really thick glass, with some popcorn, and maybe a bottle of jack, and definitely these sheets! I could use a good laugh that's not at my expense.
"I like you" Gee make a girl blush why don't you!
"Who doesn't? Well actually there's this candystriper in Colorado who's got issues but bitch tried to separate me from the remote midway through the season finale of Grey's so she's only got herself to blame. And there's this dipshit of a psychologist they sent me to for that amongst other things, although we might be pretty good now his kids like him. And there's some dogs in Washington... In fact the list might be pretty long but whatever. It's not my fault if they're too stupid to recognise the cool"
She's looking a little amused and nodding but it's the good kind, she's laughing with me and not at me so I can cross her off the shit list and move her into the win column for now.
"Nah Jasper introduced Peter to vampire-ism back in whenever, so it's like father-brother-son"
"Jasper bit Peter? I knew he was into the kink! It's always the quiet ones you need to watch out for" What's so fucking difficult, he's got no problem taking a bite out of everyone else, what's wrong with me now?
"Isn't it always though!"
She's still giving me the scratch and sniff look and I'm getting a little annoyed now because 1) if I leave the bed to go in search of a shower do I lose the squatters rights on the bed here... not acceptable! 2) where is my bag cause these clothes are in fact a little rank, 3) do they have a shower? And are the towels as good as these sheets... 4) I am not going through the effort of having a wash if they're going to chow down - they can do the hard work if they're that bothered.
"So... back to the big question. Are you people snacking on me or what?"
"I'm going to go with not. I prefer my meals without a side of cancer and I don't recognise your face from the rap sheets, so your good for now. Bathroom and your bag are across the hall. Take your time, I'm going to talk with the two fuckups outside"
What the fuck! "Is there a fucking newsletter dedicated to my life that nobody has told me about? I want veto power and editors rights!"
She's tapping her nose like that explains everything but I'm not like Fuckward so I can't pull that shit out of her mind so circle my hand in the universal gesture to explain the fuck on...
"When you've been around long enough you know the chemo smell. What is it?"
I'm not getting the sympathy or pity vibes here so I'll throw her a bone and lay it out. I have high jacked this bed after all.
"Inoperable Anaplastic Astrocytoma Grade 3. In the words of my doctors, and I use that term very loosely, je suis fucked"
"Sucks to be you" Really?
"Story of my life blondy, story of my life"
She reaches down, picks something off the pillow and glides out of the room.
Now about that shower... I hope all my stuff is still in that bag.
I was so tempted to leave you here but hey it's the weekend and I'm feeling generous so buckle up for a little bit of J-emo
JPOV
When we could stand Peter and I beat a hasty strategic retreat outside cause hell we just got our asses kicked for the first time ever and some regrouping and strategising needs to go down army style.
"Jazz man, what the fuck was that in there!"
"Fuck if I know Peter, I was hoping you'd clue me in. Don't you just know shit?"
"It doesn't work like that and you know it! I'm not like the magic 8 ball you chained yourself to"
I cringe a little deep inside.
"Low blow man, low fucking blow"
He had the good sense to look a bit sheepish and knocked me down on the grassy bank. Guess that's my apology right there...
"You were the one projecting that shit in there, so I'll say again, what the fuck?"
I do a quick rewind and... shit guess I was... but that pain didn't come from me.
"Shit that was all from the illustrious miss swan" my eyes widen at this realisation and I'm surprised those babies didn't just pop right out! "I've had nothing since I picked her up and then BAM! it came out of nowhere and sucked me under hard"
Peter's suddenly got the naughty eyes... what? Oh come on!!! That wasn't even a good one! So I charlie horse him in the leg and he goes down next to me. Fucker.
"Swan as in Forks Swan?" I nod and somehow there isn't as much surprise coming off him as I thought there would be, he knows what went down back then. This is not the same girl I told him about.
We both fall silent and contemplate whatever that was back there as we lay back and bask in the sun like lizards on a hot day, and pretend to feel the heat. Cause I don't know about Peter but that little experience back there made me just a little bit colder deep down inside and I'd like to pretend for a while.
....
....
....
The sun is being swallowed by the horizon before gliding steps stroll casually towards us across the grass from the house.
We both roll over and look towards the noise.
Charlotte's back.
That should keep Peter in line for a few hours.
She's radiating all sorts of casual and a little bit of mischief as she makes her way over, and that, right there, should have been the warning sign.
Suddenly she pauses and lifts a fingernail to her teeth. Wiggles it around a bit. And then gently extracts a strand of long brown hair, observes it, and lefts it drip to the ground.
Oh SHIT!!!!!
She's eaten Bella!