AN. FML. This was supposed to go up earlier today but my flatmate who I FOOLISHLY made a gym pact with for an upcoming wedding we're both featuring in (yours truly is chief bitch – can you imagine the speech I have planned? What were they thinking?!?!) decided to drag my lazy ass out and then held me captive for 4 hours!!! 4! I was like SHIT! I've got fic... I mean work... to do!!!! The rules we set up stated we were to take turns, so, I am plotting my revenge trip and it's going to be good. My aching muscles demand retribution... I'd have threatened her with a beat down but we put a pair of fuckhot expensive shoes riding on this because we knew one of us would crack. And yeah, I want them. And I WILL win! She's working all this week without a day off, so yeah, I'm going to wake her ass up EARLY on the weekend and drag her out! I'll give up some sleep for this. It's worth it.

So, I've got 6,000 words to give you this evening – but you're getting it spread over 2-3 updates over the next few hours, because she seriously fucked up my plan for the day, despite the fact that I will be looking good in my dress...

Also, I have finally succumbed to the crack that is twitter, so you can follow my random musings if you're crazy enough /catonspeed

Enough about me and my piss poor update excuse though, because let's be honest, you don't care and are here for some show and tell, and it's Bella's turn with JPOV, so here's part 1 for the night...

BPOV

Hmmm these jeans are doing very nice things to my ass, but what top to wear... 'Got Cancer?' It's good for day, evening, or casual wear!

Sniff...

Could probably use a wash though, and these fools will notice. So unfair! Well, I guess its plan B then. Mwahaha! I pull the handcrafted beauty over my head; pick up the towel to continue drying my hair and head out in search of pervpire.

Ooooo nice living room. At least it's got some fucking colour. Looks like we've got a little vamp sit down going on here, so I'll take a seat and see what's on the cards.

Char and Chairpire look all kinds of amused – so nothing new there. Pervpire looks like someone has just shoved a rather large stick somewhere unpleasant. Without preparation or lube. Ouch!

Time to diffuse this clusterfuck. Bella style.

"J-emo you're so uptight if I shoved a lump of coal up your ass, in two weeks, you'd have a diamond. Chillax" Swan you genius! But... oh hells yeah PLAN! "Char do you know where I can get a lump of coal? I like the shiny things and Jazz here can put that second power of his to good use. I'll share if we can come to some kind of arrangement about those boots you're sporting there"

Le sigh! Christian Louboutin Babel 100 boots! I'd only seen those on the net and that was enough to make my panties damp. Hello my pretties, come to mamma! I'll treat you so good you'll never want to leave...

Char is giving me the nod on the sly so guess we'll work out the details later. We're missing quite a few assholes here though. Not that I want to see them in any way shape or form. But this is my life we're in, so yeah, they're probably outside sharpening the pointy sticks in preparation for the ritual sacrifice.

"So where's cuntpire and the rest of the assholes?"

Char has wiggled to the edge of her seat. She's down with the nicknames. She knows it's going to be good.

"Who?" Chairpire is looking a little confused. Bless.

Oh yeah, other people don't hear the voices in my head. Good thing too or they wouldn't allow me within 40ft of that bed and I don't even want to think about what they'd do if they knew my stance on the shower.

"Cuntpire? You know… Alice" It burns to say that whores name and it hisses out through my clenched teeth "Jaspers wife...? Cause yeah, that bitches fangs aren't in her mouth"

Jasper hadn't moved from his chair, poor little mortifiedsper... but this prompts the biggest brightest motherfucking grin on his face. It's fucking stunning! Where has that been hiding?!?

"J-emo. Was that... was that a... smile? Holy shit! I didn't think you had one of those. You guys know about this?"

I'm pointing wildly at Jasper and Char's having a little giggle. That's right, keep laughing, those boots are mine when the moment is right... Peter is chomping away on that fat pouty bottom lip of his and trying not to piss himself – not that he can but the thought is there. J-emo is trying to look all serious and together but the other two's emotions are seriously fucking with his plans.

Thinking about it, I don't think I've ever seen Jasper smile. I mean there was the odd smirk or lip twitch back in Forks but nothing like that. Odd.

"So where are they?"

They're probably waiting to jump out at me for maximum effect. Fuckers. Nothing would surprise me.

"I was going to ask you the same thing"

¿Qué?

"How the fuck do you misplace your wife? Surely you just follow the smell of sulphur or chant the devils name three times"

My hands tighten on the leather chair arms and it creaks under the strain. If that bitch appears I won't be held accountable for my actions.

"I haven't seen her in eight years... not since that night"

He's looking a little embarrassed and shifty, someone's carrying some residual guilt. But there's something else under there, and I'm getting the same sense of loss that I saw in his eyes in the shower. And eight years...?

"You mean the birthday that was heard around the world? Eight years? You weren't in Alaska with them? What the hell! You cut out at the right fucking point Jazz. You haven't seen any of them?"

He's looking a little uncomfortable in the chair he has no need for. His arms are locked solid on his knees, tendons straining at the surface of his marble skin, eyes fixed to a spot over my shoulder. Peter and Charlotte have frozen, but there's a fire burning in Peter's eyes that threatens to erupt and blow the room apart.

Oh god. What did they do to him?

There's something digging into my leg, which is not helping my patience with this bulldozer of a revelation. What the hell is that and why is it in my pocket? Ooooooo! Fun size toblerone! Jackpot! Haven't been allowed one of these in months. Fuck it! It can't do any harm now. Hmmm... but nougat in my teeth... I'll hold on to you so we can be alone together my love...

"Bella. Alice told me to leave and never come back that night. I've been here even since"

WHAT. THE. FUCK!

JPOV

God I really don't want to have to explain this, but it's going to have to come out if I want my answers. Man up Jasper!

"Bella. Alice told me to leave and never come back that night. I've been here even since"

Acting like a pussy and trying to get my shit back together. Thank fuck for Peter and Charlotte.

"That pixy devil bitch!"

My eyes shoot up to her.

Well her personality isn't the only thing that's changed... New Bella has quite the mouth on her! She's fuming in her chair. I can't feel it but I don't need to. I bet even a human would be able to see the waves of rage that are flowing off her right now.

She stops suddenly.

Her entire frame and focus directed at me.

"Jasper you do know I don't hold any blame against you for what happened with the paper cut and Edward's body check don't you? One of them told you that didn't they? Jazz, tell me one of them told you or you at least felt it"

Her voice is raising an octave with every sentence, and her eyes... her eyes are burning into mine and my soul is catching on fire under the strength of it. Fuck that's intense. She would have been formidable in the wars with that look alone.

"Bella I did feel it. It was the only thing keeping me straight before Edward knocked you into the table. It took a while to calm me down, and after Alice told me to quite promptly fuck off I left. None of them came after me, so no not one of them told me"

Well I did run like a little bitch. But I thought at least em would of come, or rose...

Bella is up out of her seat like a rocket.

Pacing backwards and forwards in front of my chair. I'm almost surprised she's not on fire. She stops. Leans in, hands on the arms of the chair either side of me, eyes levelled with mine and burns that stare right into me. It takes everything inside not let the animal buried deep down to react to the challenge, but even he is a little in awe of this Valkyrie.

"Those fucking bastards! Christ! I wouldn't have blamed you anyway. You guys were my family" She has to choke the word back, the burn in her gaze flickering and then reigniting like a supernova. I can make out every fleck and swirl in those eyes of hers – they are molten with emotion "Shit it's a wonder something like that hadn't happened with any of them before then! I was one clumsy bitch!" She looks lost momentarily before reaching into her pocket and jamming something in my face.

A fun sized toblerone? Ummm... no thanks... Shit, this woman has flipped her lid!

"It's like waving this toblerone here in front of my face. I fucking want it, but I can resist it until that wrapper comes off. At that point, if you're between me and the toblerone, you better have your papers in order because it's on"

She always was a little strange... but it's a little endearing watching her try relate the two. I get what she's trying to say but she's never known true hunger.

"At that moment you were slightly more tempting than chocolate Bella"

I can't believe I'm seeing the funny in this. The burn in her eyes has gone though and has been replaced with... pity? No wonder Edward was so frustrated by her; she never has the reaction you're expecting.

"They had toblerone in your day? You've tried it? No. I didn't think so. So not the point though. Me. Humans. Are you guy's toblerone. But Jasper... you had to deal with six other people's reaction when that happened, one of who I was La Tua Cantante to! Not even Carlisle would have stood a chance. I told them to tell you, I was waiting for you to come back so I could say it to your face, but no one came back ... Of course I know it wasn't your fault, you spent all that time in Phoenix with me and you were fine – even in the damn ballet studio! You were there ripping that fucker up with a Bella buffet laid out while the others had to leave! You're bad assed J! God of course they didn't tell you, why am I not surprised!"

I'd known she didn't blame me that night, the light and the warmth coming from never changed, even when the room flipped and I was flying full tilt at her. But that didn't mean she wouldn't have blamed me later when she had time to think it over. It was still good to hear though, if not a little bittersweet. Someone has trust in me. Just not the people I'd spent decades trying to make a life with.

"I knew" I smiled wryly at her, and gently squeezed one of her tiny hands that were still resting on the arm of my chair, and she relaxes slightly, but body and mind were still jittering away, a thousand thoughts scrolling over the surface of those big brown eyes.

Peter and Charlotte were radiating pride and love. Not just for me. For Bella. She cared, for me. And that was the golden ticket for them. She was in. She really did just draw people to her, ever since that day we'd noticed her in the cafeteria in Forks, the humans there just magnetically gravitated to her, adjusting themselves to her every move. She'd never been aware. Even when that shit went down on her birthday my first thought had been protecting her, until the waves crashed in and pulled me under.

It still didn't explain what she was doing here, and why she looked like she wanted to shank someone when their names were mentioned, or the hollowness that lay beneath the surface when she was still.

"Bella, what are you doing in Texas? Why aren't you with them?" she scoffs at that, so I hastily tack on "or in Forks?"

The fire in her eyes goes out.

AN 2.0 – Lifelesslyndsey, here's your shout out, because yeah I like to make you pee your pants with my updates... Comedy thing though readers, we've been having some review based inbox banter and she drops me a line to say that cuntpire is going out to me in her next update (she likes me really! I think...), and I'm like DAMN! that's totally already in my chapter 10! Look (points at screen) it's there! in Word! and I've saved it and all! Is she stalking me?!? How does she know who I am and where I live! Great minds apparently think alike he he! she should be afraid, and possibly see someone about that though...

She's got a fun Bella/Peter story on the go and another on the way that sound hilarious, so google her ass and go check it out!