A/N: If any of you read The Reality They Live With, the Chuck/Victorla scene may seem slightly familiar. I actually wrote it here first and reused part of it there. There's a good chunk of this section that has been written for a very long time, since back around the time of the first wedding. Anyways, some of you can probably guess what's coming here, we still have three chapters left to go. Btw, the song is You Found Me by the Fray and I do actually suggest listening to it while you read, it works I promise.
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN GOSSIP GIRL
Rated: T mostly for language.
Thanks so much to my lovely reviewers for your constant support: CarolinaGirl21, Sarah 3's You, EmilyEcstatic, ggff-fan, annablake, LitPrincess2787, Cascia, odyjha, tvrox12, Krazy4Spike, KB22, Sw33tHeart21, SouthernBelle88, smartin555, LayRay, and elli. You guys are what keeps me inspired.
Marcus listened to Blair's iPod all night long, completely unable to sleep. Even after he had finished listening to everything on it, Chuck's voice in his head haunted him. He had never guessed the depth of their relationship nor all that they had been through. What he had put her through made him sick now; he could never have grasped just what he had done to her until now. When Chuck recalled seeing him hit Blair it had made him outwardly cringe. He couldn't believe that he was that guy. He wasn't that guy anymore. Blair had done that. Blair had made him into a better person; she had reminded him of the kind of guy he used to be before everything else overwhelmed him. Before the loss of his sister and all the responsibility that had come crashing down around his feet, he hadn't been an awful person. He had destroyed Blair's life; taken from her everything she valued the most. She was eighteen years old, married to a man she hated, she had lost her mother and she had lost the guy who had loved her enough to put his heart and soul into this iPod.
His hands were shaking as he picked up his cell phone and called Roland. He spoke to the only driver who he trusted with this particular mission. "Yes, I know what I'm doing and yes I'm sure. I'm having the papers brought up in ten minutes. Yes so if you could be ready in about half an hour that would be perfect. Thank you Roland." He finished before placing the call to his lawyer. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it all in one fell swoop. There was no point in waiting around on any of it.
His lawyer worked quickly and the papers were in his room within ten minutes. As he was as ready as he would ever be for what he was about to do, he and the lawyer walked up stairs; after all there had to be a witness.
Knocking gently on Cammie's door or Blair's as he had come to think of it, he waited impatiently for Blair to open it. He knew that she must be confused. His behavior last night had been beyond strange. She had been expecting him to force her in his bed not send her away.
As the door tentatively opened, Marcus was unsurprised to find Blair completely dressed and ready for the day. Good, it would make this easier. She looked as though she was about to speak but Marcus raised a hand and held out her iPod. "Your bags are already in the car; Roland is taking you to the airport." He spoke handing her a small piece of carryon luggage. "Put anything else of yours in here, you won't be back." He spoke quickly, assuredly. He had to or he wouldn't say it and this was something he had to do. He had to let her go.
Blair's eyes went wide with shock. She couldn't begin to comprehend what was going on. What had changed in one night's time and why did Marcus have her iPod? "What are you doing Marcus? Is this some kind of trick?" She asked too scared to even reach for the items he was holding out to her. This seemed too good to be true. It seemed too perfect. This wasn't like Marcus. She was expecting any minute for him to laugh in her face.
"It's not a trick." Marcus said finding that he hated himself for making her believe that the simple act of letting her go wasn't something he was in capable of doing. "I'm loving you enough to let you go. Now sign this paper so that my lawyer sees you." When Blair looked at him questioningly as he handed her the pen he clarified. "They're annulment papers. Since the marriage was never consummated it is in fact null and void. I am truly letting go of any and all claim I might have on you."
Blair remained standing there shocked. Marcus had to force himself to keep going and placed the iPod in the bag and placed the bag at her feet as she signed the papers. When she handed him the papers back he leaned down and kissed her on the lips one last time. After that last kiss he took Blair's hand and placed in it the one object he had left of her. "Roland's waiting." He spoke, closing her hand over the object before turning and leaving.
Blair continued to stand in the doorway, trying her best to absorb what had just happened. She looked down at her hand, opening to see Chuck's ring, her engagement ring, still on the chain. Without a moment's thought she slid it into her purse and started filling the bag. She didn't know if Marcus was just playing her or if he was serious but in the case that he really was letting her go, she didn't want to waste a moment more here. She was going home to Chuck. She had so much to explain.
Chuck had been sitting in their booth in Victorla for what seemed like days. Nate had stopped by upon returning from the wedding and dealt him a punch eerily reminiscent of the one from a year ago when Nate had punched him upon finding out that he had slept with Blair. Whatever, he didn't care anymore. Jenny had stopped by too, with news that she was pregnant as though Nate hadn't already been here to tell Chuck this himself. He had sent her away in tears. It surprised him how easily he had retreated back to his old self. The changeover had been seamless.
Now he sat at Victorla alternately nursing his bruised jaw with his glass of scotch and sipping it. This time he took a hard gulp, hoping for the release the burn of scotch generally provided but his throat was numb after a night of indulgence. Victrola always brought back so many memories. This was the worst place he could have gone but he wanted the pain, he wanted to feel something. It was like he was indulging in his worst nightmares by sitting here. After all, Blair had been the first to know that he wanted to buy the place, she danced on that stage, and it was after that night at Victrola that they slept together for the first time. Victrola started it all, he should just torch the place.
I found god
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
He could hear echoes of her ring throughout the club. "I'm just saying I have moves" seemed to reach him through the loud music, through the dancing girls, penetrating reality. He looked to a girl walking up to the bar, getting lost in the brunette curls that dangled down her back, dancing as she walked. She brushed them aside, revealing her neck and Chuck tensed. "I know what you're doing Bass." The air vibrated with memory of her. The girl at the bar turned to him and winked. She was dressed demurely for one of these girls, donning a simple slip, her makeup understated. The world was taunting him. "You really don't think I'd go up there?"
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Chuck was beginning to shake, what the hell was going on. The girl sauntered past him and he would have sworn he heard her say "Guard my drink," as she set down a glass of champagne in front of him before walking on toward the stage. As she posed on stage and the music began he felt as though he was convulsing.
The song through the speakers wasn't real; it had to be in his mind. But as the words began he knew he was really hearing the very song Blair had danced to that night. He had to get out of here; he couldn't handle this, not the girl on the stage with those brown doe eyes and chocolate curls, not this music, not this at all. He felt the glass shatter in his hand, unaware that he had been gripping it so tightly.
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
Chuck stalked over to the bar and knocked everything off the counter, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. He knocked over the cash register which hit the ground with an echoing crash as its contents went soaring. It wasn't enough, not enough to take away this pain. This was Blair's place, it was tainted with her. He took his forearm to the bottles behind the bar smashing everything, leaving nothing undestroyed; why should they be spared when he had not been.
As he walked from the bar, Chuck tossed a table across the room, loving the sound of splintering wood and the clang of metal on metal. He kicked a chair scattering a group of dancers as the chair went flying . He slammed his palms into the door, causing it to swing open violently.
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
Climbing into his limo it didn't stop, it felt as though she was with him, surrounding him. Damn it Blair was supposed to be dead to him. He couldn't do this though, he couldn't be the guy that he used to be, Blair had changed him, she had ruined him. Now she had left him. He barked an order at the limo driver, refusing to allow himself to indulge in anymore memories of the past. He had dulled the pain, he had thought that he had destroyed any part of himself that tied him to her after receiving her last letter but he was wrong. She was there; she was always going to be inside his head. That breakdown at Victorla had made him realize that.
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad
As they pulled up at the church, ironically the same one that Blair had gone to the morning after sleeping with him, Chuck stumbled from the limo. It was a challenge, struggling up the stairs and inside. He drug himself down the aisle to the front where he lit a candle, the same candle he lit every time he was here. He lit the candle for his mother, then almost as an afterthought he lit a second one.
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Once satisfied he drunkenly staggered to the pew second from the back. It was the same one he always chose. He collapsed on the bench, leaning on the pew in front of him and relaxing his head into his hands. He couldn't stop the tears that began to fall. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't be without her. All he wanted was to forget but he couldn't even do that properly, she was too much a part of him. She had invaded his heart, mind, and soul and there was no ridding himself of her.
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
He began talking, speaking to his mother. This was the only place he felt close enough to her to do so and he needed her right now in a way he had never imagined he would. "Mom, I need you." He paused taking a ragged breath. "My life is in shambles. I can't keep doing this I just couldn't keep up the façade that I am the same as before because god damn it I'm not. I'm not Chuck Bass without her." His fingers clinched the bench in front of him so hard they turned white as his voice broke. "I don't know how to go on without her." This was an agony that he had never felt before, never comprehended even existed.
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
The priest heard the sounds of talking and began walking the pews soon spotting Chuck sitting near the back. He was startled. It was not quite time for Chuck to visit. Every year on his birthday which he shared with the death of his mother Chuck visited the church. Every year he lit the same candle and took a seat in the same pew and sat there for an hour. Every year, but that was on May 19, that was still months away. Why then could Chuck be here. The priest looked to the front and noticed a second candle lit next to the one for Chuck's mother. His heart clinched as he walked to Chuck.
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
"Son, would you like to speak with me." Generally it was their custom to have a conversation after Chuck had been sitting there for a while. Why should today be any different? When Chuck looked up with a tear streaked face, the priest was startled. "In heaven's name what's happened?"
Chuck shook his head slightly as he stood. "I can't talk; I've got to take care of something." He had reached a decision. He wouldn't live with this kind of pain. He would eliminate it for real this time.
In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
The priest reached out a hand and placed it on Chuck's shoulder. "Do you want to tell me who the candle's for?"
"Me." Chuck said softly as he walked out of the church and back to the limo, leaving the priest standing alone wondering what Chuck could possibly mean.
Who I am, who I'm not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Chuck returned first to his old suite, there were things that needed arranging. He put together the papers, placing them securely in the safe that was behind the portrait of his mother, before continuing on to the Van der Woodson's. As he walked in the door, he was met with silence. That wasn't good; he needed someone here for this to work. Slowly he began to search the rooms, grateful to find that Jenny was sitting in his room, likely waiting on him to come home. He made his presence known, walking into his room, finally beginning to sober up. "Hey." He spoke softly.
Jenny looked up him, surprise and relief each flicking over her face. "Thank God, I was so worried about you." She said sitting up from her place on the bed. It didn't escape her that he looked more like himself in that moment than he had since Blair's mom's funeral.
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
"I'm leaving town." Chuck spoke firmly but not with any anger. He got out his check book. "This is a blank check. Take as much as you need to take care of the baby." After a moment's hesitation he wrote another. "Just in case the first one runs out." He said handing her the checks.
"Chuck I can't accept this." Jenny started. As she stood from Chuck's bed. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay, not ask for money."
Chuck nodded. "Yes you can. I won't be here to take care of you, so my money's going to have to do the job for me." Jenny looked like she was about to protest. "Don't. I don't want to be talked out of this and I don't want to be followed or found. I need to disappear for a while, I can't be here, I can't be in New York without her."
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Jenny wanted to speak but instead listening then nodding her agreement. This was harder for Chuck than anyone realized. She might want to turn to friends in times of heartache but that wasn't Chuck. Chuck dealt with things in his own way, by himself. "I'll tell everyone." She said softly.
"Thanks." Chuck said with a nod before picking a bag from the closet and packing a few things.
"Is that all you're taking?" Jenny asked curiously noting that someone with the style of Chuck Bass would obviously need more clothes than a simple satchel.
Chuck nodded. "I'll buy anything else I need." With one last chin tilt at Jenny he turned and walked out of the room. His first stop was a bank where he cashed out enough to make any purchase he would need in the next few days.
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Next a young man on the side of the street who looked down on his luck, to whom he gave his jacket filled with his credit cards, all of his identification. "My only request is that you get out of town, travel, and use the cards a lot." Chuck spoke to avid nods from the young man before getting back in his car and telling the driver to take him to the nearest car dealership where he dismissed his driver, sending him home with a hefty severance check. Once his driver had departed Chuck continued with the plan he had formed in the church and purchased the most expensive, most ostentatious Ferrari on the lot, paying in cash.
As Chuck stepped behind the wheel he relished the feeling of the smooth leather. It had been a long time since he had felt the way the gas pedal felt under his foot, the rush of air as the top rolled down, the thrill of driving high speeds. He drove out of the lot, speeding as quickly as he could further out of the city. He needed to get away from New York to do this, far enough away that people wouldn't guess, wouldn't think.
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Blair looked out the window of the plane as they neared New York. The buildings were coming closer and all she could think was that it was bringer her closer to Chuck. She hadn't thought that this would ever be a reality but she had signed the papers, she had packed her bags, and Marcus had let her walk out the door and get on a plane. She had left him the jewelry he had purchased her, not thinking it right to keep it and even written him a note saying goodbye. As the plane descended on JFK her heart began to pound, she was almost there.
Early morning, the City breaks
I've been calling for years and years and years and years
As he drove into the now early morning light he allowed thoughts of her to fully penetrate his skull. The scent of her hair as she turned her head, the presence she had just walking into a room, the smirk that appeared not only along her ruby lips but in the sparkle of her eyes when she was scheming. He remembered their first time in the limo, how glorious she had been and how careful he had been with her. The first time he had told her he liked her at her seventeenth birthday party. The day they almost got caught by Nate, how much it had hurt when she had gone back to him.
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want
Blair stepped off the airplane and breathed in the New York air. She was home. She ran through the airport, skipping the baggage claim; she would send someone else to claim her numerous pieces of luggage later. Noticing the long line for a taxi, she bypassed it, stepping out in the road and raising her hand, hailing a cab much to the irritation of those waiting in line none of whom had no qualms about shouting such at her. But she was deaf to them as she slammed the taxi cab door shut and gave him the Van der Woodson's address. She didn't have time for propriety, she needed to find Chuck and explain. They had lost too much time already.
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
He even remembered the words he had said to try to humiliate and hurt her, not wanting to be second place after Nate had abandoned her. Oh how he regretted that day, much like he regretted leaving her to go to France by herself. But he couldn't be swallowed by the bad when the sparkle of her eyes at his father's wedding always seemed to infiltrate his mind. He remembered telling her he loved her, the turmoil last fall, and the heaven that they had claimed over Christmas. Chuck thought back on the day he had asked her to marry him and back to that day this summer when he was missing her, that he had sworn that one day he would marry her. That was never happening, she was moving on with her husband. Chuck scoffed at the words even as he let the tears fall freely. But even then he didn't stop thinking about her.
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you?
As the taxi pulled up, Blair threw a hundred at the driver and jumped out, maneuvering into the apartment building where she made no pleasantries with the several tenants she recognized, barely even waving at Vanya only doing enough to gain clearance to the top floor. In the elevator she slammed on the close door button and waited impatiently as the elevator climbed the floors to the Van der Woodsen penthouse. There was a sense of increased urgency as she moved; an urgency she couldn't quite place.
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
There was the way she moved under him, the way she cried out as they came together, the way that they fit as though they belonging interlocked with one another, as though they were two halves of one person. Their movement together the most fluid the most intune he had ever felt. She was the only one who knew him, really knew him and he was the one who knew her. Without her he was nothing more than a shell, an empty shell. She was the one that made him whole. Without her he would have gone through life not knowing love, not knowing what perfection was. But God did he know it now. Perfection was her ruby lips moistened by her tongue, perfection was her chocolate curls cascading down her back, perfection was her supple body bending and molding to his until they were the same.
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Blair rushed into the apartment, going straight to Chuck's room, praying to God he was there. When it was a shell shocked Jenny she found instead, she almost tripped from stopping her run so fast. "Where's Chuck?" She asked, skipping any and all formalities, there would be time for that later.
Jenny asked still sitting frozen on the bed cell phone in hand. "He left about an hour ago." She answered seeing the intense look in Blair's eyes and forgetting to ask what she was doing here. Too much had happened today for her mind to be properly functioning. The real Chuck was back, but then he left, Blair was back, and then the phone call she had just made. It was all just too much.
"Left?" Blair asked waiting for more information. "Where did he go?"
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Soon the memories were too strong as he had been doing nothing but think of her for the eight hours he had been driving and Chuck was overwhelmed with the tears and the anguish. He found himself beating the steering wheel in anger as he finally saw what he was looking for in a lone tree off in the distance. As he pressed his foot firmly down on the accelerator he closed his eyes pressing his foot as far down as it would go, aiming, and gripping the steering wheel as tightly as he possibly could.
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Jenny shook her head slightly. "I don't know. He didn't want anyone to follow him. He said he was leaving town." The shock in Blair's eyes scared her as it looked as though Blair was ready to chase Chuck to the end of the earth. "Wait, there's something else." Jenny started causing Blair's movements to cease. "I just got my period and I called the clinic in London. They think they switched our results." As Blair stood there jaw open Jenny summed up what she was trying to say. "I think you're pregnant."
Why'd you have to wait?
To find me, to find me
The cop who arrived at the scene shook his head. The car was totaled. Whoever had been driving that Ferrari had managed to wrap itself around the only tree for probably a hundred miles.
A/N: I cried so if you did the same don't feel bad or alone in that. This chapter was an emotional drain for me. So review if you liked it, review if you didn't, I want your opinion either way and no this isn't the end of the fanfic, I would never do that to you guys.
xoxo
kate