AN. And here's part two - better late than never!
p.s reviews save kittens. they thank you. jesus thanks you. no one else gives a shit...
BPOV
"Bella, what are you doing in Texas?" Because I want to be warm. I want to stop running "Why aren't you with them?" Because I would rather shove bamboo splinters under my nails? "or in Forks?"
Because I could never go back.
I thought I'd never leave. I was waiting. He would come back. They would come back. My life would go on.
I sank back into the soft leather without thinking.
Forks.
I was there for a 13 months after my birthday before I had to leave...
Flash back - Forks July 2007
Cold wind blow this waiting blood,
Flow into my ashen arms.
Ice stream prick my sleeping skin.
She is like the so black time,
Race on in and never go away.
She's just like this wind.
Black Car, with your creaking wheel,
Take away these thoughts of mine.
Once there was a crazy man
Staring from his drunken eyes,
Staring stony into her elbow's way
Stared at me and tellin' me,
'Stead of 'oh, poor lonely me,
I claw the bed and I claw my hair.
Oh black car, with your creaking wheel,
Take away these thoughts of mine.
Pictures sing in rhythm with 'em.
Dig the holes for me to sleep inside.
She is fr-
My fingers claw at the buttons on the stereo, because a dead man is singing my life, and I can't let him complete the line because I'm not free and life is not beautiful. I'm running from people who I thought were family who tell me I'm already dead.
At least this lot isn't running from me.
I'm not welcome in La Push and I can't be trusted in Forks, the wolves have chased me from my door.
Literally.
They huffed and they puffed and they blew my house of cards down. And drew lines, and I can't stand on any of them. Giant horse-sized-people-morphing-motherfucking wolves. Apparently I missed the stall dishing out superpowers at the entrance to Forks on my way in, and I want to speak the manager about a damn refund!
Jacob. Sweet little mud pie Jacob, who I just bitch slapped the fuck out of only to end up breaking my hand. If I ever see him again I'll be toting a crowbar and going UFC all over his ass. So much anger and black stony eyes that burned like coal but froze at edges of my soul. All because I handed someone a hotdog with an outstretched arm at a bonfire on an unusually warm summer's night on the beach of my childhood and the sky came a tumbling down.
I have a bite mark and apparently can't be trusted because some overachieving rednecked fucktard sporting a ponytail decided it would be trés amusant to chase me through the trees in a game of hide and seek, where the end was life or death, and winning had actually been the real loss. And Charlie got mauled by a bear and because he doesn't remember it or any moment before then they're now are sure it was me, even though he managed to shoot that furry bastard dead in the parking lot and they found it. I'm actually agreeing with the vamps on this one, because turning into a dog apparently fries your brain cells and makes you a fucking retard because I HAVE A HEARTBEAT AND I FUCKING BLEED! I spent months putting myself back together before I realised what Edward had tried to do by leaving me. Silly fool. Calving out friendships and love with the people who saved me from the storm that threatened to pull me under. And they've turned on me. Keeping Charlie from me and running me from home.
Morons!
So yeah I'm currently being followed to the state line of Washington by a truck full of fools, who are driving my truck because they've instigated takebacksies like the little bitches they are – who seem to have got their stealth skills from a lifetime of bad daytime TV, because they're right on my bumper and collectively wearing aviators like they automatically make them all inconspicuous and gansta and shit.
Vampires must mourn the loss of their bodily functions when they can't piss themselves with laughter at them. How the hell did Carlisle keep a straight face negotiating that treaty? I'd just have thrown a ball and told them to go fetch before I scheduled a neutering to get them to calm the fuck down and stop humping my leg.
Thank god Renee and Phil wired me some cash to buy something new so I could get the hell out of dodge. Anything to bring me back to Phoenix and away from the place that was swallowing me whole like a snake... They just thought it was all too much for me and I'd never bonded enough with him to stay. He's my dad – I'd do anything for him! I'd have smacked Renee for that if I had a choice in this!
At least Alice will be able to tell Edward where I'm going, that's one less thing to worry about. If he feels the distance half as bad as I do it won't be long until he comes back to me. I can't believe I was so shocked to not drag his ass to the dirty woodland floor and sit on him till he listened. I loved him, he loved me, deal with it. Phoenix will only be a temporary stop and I'll have the chance to say goodbye properly to Renee and Phil, this time is a gift.
But tonight, even dead assholes are taking a pop at me too because it's been that kind of a year for me. Jeff Buckley we are going to have words because you're almost making me shed my own tears. And those mutts behind me aren't going to get the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
Breathe Bella, just breathe.
Even though I want to.
Really, really, really, really, bad.
You can survive this. At least he's alive and you know deep down inside he loves you. I just wish I'd been more coherent those last few months. Told him I loved him more, even if it did embarrass the shit out of both of us. Charlie who I've worked and cared for the last 7 months. Reminding him each and every day who I am and where he is, of the things he loved to do.
God Edward hurry up! I'd even take Rose at this point!
Oh fuck I really really want to cry.
Charlie doesn't know who I am anymore, Christ he's only got one good leg now – who is going to explain to him who I am and that I'm not there! He can't work the fucking oven and everything is above the reach of his wheelchair!!! I wasn't even allowed to say goodbye!!!
They better look after him down there in La Push. Fucking Billy was 'taking him fishing' and then they never brought him back.
The truck behind me is slowing in the rear view mirror. The state line is coming up and then it's gone.
They've stopped.
I continue.
My mind registers the sign I just passed and plays it over and over in my mind.
'Sorry you're leaving, we hope you enjoyed you stay in Washington – Come back soon!'
Not fucking likely.
The road falls away black white black white as I'm swallowed up by the night.
A piece of my soul has fractured off and lies in a ditch underneath that sign.
I think this hurts worse than the forest floor, and I'm just as cold.
Daddy...
End of flashback
Someone is poking me in the face.
They are in for a world of hurt.
No one. Pokes. The. Face. And. Lives.
Chairpire... You've just made the list sunshine.
"Fuck off chairpire! I'm having a Days of Our Lives style flashback here – my mind doesn't replay in high speed like yours. I'm trying to figure out where to start this fucked up trip down memory lane!"
Jasper is twitching away in the chair.
Oh god!
I'm so stupid!
He felt that. He must have been feeling that since I got here! Shit! I've got to leave! I can't do this to him! I have to get my bag and get out of here. I can hitch to Mexico, it's not far.
Fuck it, I don't need the bag!
Shit... Why do these fuckers have to be so damn quick!
I'm barely up out of the chair before Jasper is leaning over me, forcing me back down. I know I can't escape but my eyes are frantically searching everywhere for an exit.
It's not until he grips my face in both hands that I realise he's speaking to me.
"BELLA!"
My eyes lock with his. I'm ensnared in his gaze. There is a fire there unlike anything I've ever seen. It's commanding. Arresting. I couldn't look away if I tried. I don't know if I want to.
"Bella, what are you doing? Why are you trying to run?"
"I forgot Jasper. God I forgot what you can do! How could I be so stupid! I can't be here inflicting this on you"
My fingers clutching at my chest where my heart should be. I can't do that to him!
"Bella. Look at me. LOOK! That's only the second time I've felt anything from you since I picked you up. That wasn't me in pain, I knew to be prepared after that first time. I was trying to break you out of whatever you were in there, but nothing was reaching you. I can't touch you"
That can't be right.
His eyes aren't lying though.
I know liars now.
This is not a lie.
"That can't be right. You could always feel me! What the fuck!"
"Shit we really need a new phrase!"
Peter starts tittering on the other side of the room. Good god! I'm embarrassed for him!
It's cut the tension somehow though. I no longer feel that primal urge to run.
"How about a language change instead? Pero qué coño!"
I get a crooked grin from Jasper for that one. It's nothing like that earlier smile, but it's still stunning. None of that dazzling shit though. Jasper's smile is somehow all man. He isn't a pussy.
During this exchange he's somehow managed to fully relax me back into the chair. Even without his powers he's calming.
"Shit if we're going to do this I need you to stay in your chair and not interrupt me"
I fix him with the Bella special so he knows I'm serious, and then turn it on the other two so they know that includes them too. Everyone retreats back to their respectively positions. Well. Now everyone's pretending to be sitting comfortably, I'll begin.
"Things started to go tits up when Edward drove me home after the party. He didn't stay. He always stayed. Hell he stalked me to be close to me! When he didn't stay the next few nights and drifted away from me, and then none of you were at school as well I knew something was wrong. He told me we'd go for a walk in the woods for some privacy from Charlie and talk about it. He said you'd all left and he was leaving too. I was ready. I said I'd go with him, I'd been ready for this, for our forever since the day I met him"
Lying sack of shit.
"He told me he didn't want me to come with him. He didn't want me. I'd forget in time. That you'd all leave me alone and never bother me again. He left me there and I fell apart. It felt like my life was over. The whole future we'd planned just vanished into the trees. Some guys from the rez found me hours later on the forest floor, I was still in shock. The devious bastard had left a note in my handwriting saying I'd gone for a walk in the woods and I'd be back – when I didn't come back Charlie sent them out looking for me. It was months before I resurfaced"
Stupid girl! All that wasted time!
"My friends disappeared one by one. They didn't know what to do with me. I couldn't tell them the full details. They laughed at me – a silly girl with a crush.
I spent a lot of time out in the woods after that, trying to recapture something. A memory, a feeling, I was so afraid of it going away. It didn't though. I could remember every moment, nothing was too small. I started to realise what Edward had done, how he'd tried to save me from being in danger, he was always a controlling prick like that. The revelation knocked me on my ass and I was late back that day. Charlie was always worried after that first time. I guess he went looking for me. He didn't find me though, but he did find a bear near the camp grounds.
He... he didn't stand a chance. He got some lucky shots off. Two in the head and one in the heart. They say it must have taken a while for it to go down though. He was hardly recognisable after that. The ambulance had to ID him through his badge"
I can still see it now. It's etched in there.
"They weren't sure if it was the swipe to the head or the trauma, but he couldn't remember anything before the attack. An entire lifetime wiped away. He was in the hospital for months with surgeries and rehab before they let him come back to the house. It was never the same. We were both living with strangers.
We tried everything to try to get him to remember. The doctors weren't hopeful the memories would come back... but everyone tried something! Things he loved, places he went to. Months.
Nothing.
It was just all gone...
Then one night some of his old friends from the rez wanted to have a bbq. It was amazing. A warm day in Forks! The sea, the sky! So blue! It was beautiful - you don't see days like often...
I was handing my friend Jacob a hotdog when they saw the bite mark"
I traced its cool indented surface. A permanent marker of my life. Of the things I had hoped for. Of my demons. My nightmares.
"The dogs are fucking stupid by the way... I don't suppose you were there the first time the Cullen's were in Forks...
Anyway, they thought I was a danger, that I had done that to Charlie. In their eyes I was breaking the treaty by being there on that beach. They gave me 24 hours to pack under watch to get the hell out of Forks or they'd tear me to pieces and burn the parts.
They wouldn't listen to anything! I fucking cut myself in front of them. I fucking bled in front of their eyes and they still wouldn't listen! Kept saying it was a trick! They knew 'my kind' had all sorts of devilry. I tried to smack the stupid out of Jacob but that only got me a broken hand.
I left for Phoenix the next day.
I had to buy a new car. Luckily someone at the station was selling off something cheap because those bastards took the truck back that Charlie had bought from them. Fucking assholes! I barely had anything anyway, I threw most of my stuff out when I thought Edward wasn't coming back because it reminded me of him. I'm missing some seriously good shit I'll never get back"
Not that it would be of interest to me now. I'm not that girl anymore.
"So I moved back in with Renee and Phil. He'd be offered a spot coaching on the University baseball team so they'd come back and bought a bigger house. Everything was different but the same. I was still waiting, kept calling the guys at the station to see if there was any change on Charlie – they always thought it was odd that I was calling them and not him. But I went to college to start my degree thinking I could transfer the credits wherever you guys ended up, got a job waitressing a local bar – that got me over my clumsiness. You sure as shit take care when breakages come out of your tips!
Lived.
That lasted three years until Victoria found me. Found my parents.
I was late back. It was all waiting for me. It was horrific. She wrapped that seen with a bow and left me a card.
'Your heart, for my heart. V'
I almost went catatonic again. It was close. I see it every time I close my eyes.
But then I thought about how if she'd come for me, she'd come for you guys, for the rest of my family.
It took me eight days of nonstop phone calls to hospitals around the country until I found them at the University of Alaska in Fairbanks. I drove for two and a half days, only stopping for gas and coffee to wash down the anti-anxiety meds the doctors had thrown at me when they took the bodies to the hospital. I had to identify what personal effects they would find. It took extensive DNA tests in the end.
I waited all night in the parking lot in my car so I could find them.
And I thought Forks was cold!
I was trying to warm myself in the sun the next morning when Alice found me. I just turned around and there she was.
"Alice! Thank god you're alive! Please tell me you're all ok"
My eyes frantically scan the campus lawn for their distinctive figures. Alice waves a dainty hand in front of my face to catch my attention.
"Of course I am, why wouldn't we be?"
"You... you didn't come! Alice my mother! Victoria... oh god Alice my mo-ther and phil... It was awful! Where were you? Why didn't you come! Why didn't any of you come!"
I threw myself at her, clinging like a life raft. They were here! I was with them, everything would be fine now. Edward! Where is my Edward!
Her eyes were darting round at the surround people who had stopped to watch me clinging to a slip of a girl, trying desperately not to fall apart. My whole body was vibrating and my teeth still chattering from the cold. I hadn't even stopped to think about warm clothing when I left.
"Bella. Calm down. Let's have a sit down. You're making a scene"
She lead me back to the car and into the driver's seat before her dancing steps brought her to the passenger side, before sliding elegantly into the leather seat so as not to crease her dress.
Why isn't she comforting me? Something's wrong. Oh god what if Victoria hurt one of them and she's trying to let me down gently. I was too late... Oh god I was too late!
"Why would we? Edward told you he was done with you. You'd think after four years you'd get a clue. Silly girl"
My world stops.
I can't have heard her right.
She smiles beatifically up at me.
I am stunned.
"What?"
No. No that can't be true. Where is my Alice? What's going on!
"It was then that she went on to tell me how I was all a test for Edward. His real soulmate was his la tua cantante as well. I was the run through to make sure he didn't kill her – Alice had seen it, he just need practice being close if he wasn't to kill her. I was just perfect timing with my arrival in Forks. James the perfect way to test him control. The birthday party the perfect time to leave if it got that far. It didn't matter if something happened to me, I was not meant for him.
I thought it was all a horrible joke. That I was still asleep in the car. Waiting. The cold must have done something to me.
And then... Alice pointed them out to me crossing the grass of the quad edging the parking lot to the campus.
Their happiness was blinding from the distance. I felt dirty in comparison. She was beautiful. They were perfect. And she was still human.
'He's going to turn her soon. I've seen it. They're going to be so happy. The whole family will be'
I thought you were there too. I didn't know. She was just sitting there next to me, smiling the whole time as she explained the whole thing. So amused by the two of them laughing and teasing each other in the distance. The final straw for me was when Rose and Emmett walked up and hugged her. Rose for fucks sake! And Emmett!
This girl had stolen my life. But not really. That life that was never mine.
They made me love him. And they took it all.
He turned around and saw me you know? Alice must have said something to him in her head. He looked right through me and walked them off the other way. That's when I knew it wasn't a joke. I was stunned. I barely remember Alice patting me on the head telling me not to come bother them again before I was 40 miles away.
The rage at what they'd done didn't set in until later. I didn't stop driving for two years. Odd jobs in big towns. Nothing long. Nothing permanent. Nobody was allowed to get close. I survived but that was it. That's all I was capable of doing. Everything I touched died or left me, I couldn't inflict that one anyone else. Christ the tally was high enough already"
My fingers wouldn't stop tracing that damn scar.
I could never escape it.
"It wasn't until I blacked out in traffic and woke up in the hospital before I realised something was wrong. I thought I'd just been tired all that time. It took them six more months to figure out what it was. A brain tumour. In the wrong fucking place and too far gone to do anything about it. Fucking amateurs!
I guess that's why none of them were worried about leaving me behind knowing who and what they were. It wasn't a decision, so Alice would have known, it was always going to happen. She could have told me any time. But chose not to. Very handy hey! They could sit back and wait for nature to take its course.
So I left. I didn't want to die being poked and prodded in that damn bed.
I stole asshole psychologists wallet who they'd assigned me to help me 'deal' with my grief – that bastard didn't like me anyway. The hospital staff and I didn't exactly get on when I was there, it's not my fault they were all morons – I bought the truck with his money from a nearby lot and started heading south.
I just wanted to be warm again.
Not to be running.
To make a decision for myself with the time I had left – could be an hour, a day, a week, a month maybe if I'm lucky.
As you can see I didn't get that far"
I look up. That's my life. Summarised in.... oh! twenty minutes. How handy.
They are still frozen in their chairs.
"So... That's it.
Questions?"
And that's it for today folks.