AN. So... there was a little conversation on twitter, challenges were made, cuddlecocking was discussed, and ideas were thrown out into the ether. From the smouldering ashes the Round Mound of a Beehound crackfic competition was born, hosted by MaitresseStAndrie and Sparagus. Check it out at www(dot)roundmoundbeehound(dot)blogspot(dot)com
I have been suckered in. It's insane.
And I'm pissing my pants and bleaching my eyes writing it. Oh, and I've roped my muchacha sucia Lacym3 into the madness and we're collaborating (yeehaw!!! You should see our Google search histories... FML! Definitely NSFW) – when it's up I'll include the link so you can check it out (yeah, I'm whoring it out to y'all, what of it! Tee hee!), it's full of all sorts of fuckery and we've got what we think is a comedy idea... but you'll have to review and vote to let us know mwhahaha! - see the devious plan there... Dr. Evil had nothing on me (twirls moustache)
Ah yes, one final thing... have you read OUAV yet? www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5424916/1/Once_Upon_a_Vampire Haven't found this fic yet you say? You poor, deprived, emotionally unscarred, lucky bitches! And if you have... WTMF?!? It's the guilty pleasure you whisper about in dark corners of the library and say 'oh just one more...' to. So I had to slip a little reference in here, cuddlecocking style, because you're either in, or you're out... and it makes me laugh too much not to share (In a good way!) – I wait with anticipation for updates.
L x
BPOV
All three of them are staring at me.
Where Peter and Charlotte seem calm, there is a storm brewing just beneath the surface of their otherwise knowing eyes, a tsunami of rage ready to rise up and crash upon the shore, hidden until those last moments. I've gotten pretty good at reading people, not in a Fuckward or J-emo way, it's like Charlie – I can just read people. I think I would have made an awesome cop like him. If it wasn't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable... oh and that little thing called cancer.
Fuck My Life.
I've seen too much evil in the world, though, and I would never surround myself with that by choice. Even so, I'm so proud every day that Charlie put himself in that situation to help people, even the quiet sleepy woods of Forks held killers in every sense of the word. It truly is in the places you feel safest that you're in the most danger.
My rose tinted glasses have been plucked off and replaced with hard crystal lenses that polarise everything, throwing the shadows and highlights of life into stark relief. That's how I can stand to be in the room with these people. Despite what their kind have done to me. Other people, other beings are no better, we're all animals, and these guys are just a bit more upfront about it.
The colour of their eyes may scream their choice and evil; I am dangerous, stay away. But they twinkle... and their smiles and gestures are genuinely bright and warm. There's no pity there, even after I've just laid that fucked up shit out like a banquet for them to feast on. I've seen the faces of evil, and they are not Peter and Charlotte, nor Jasper, for that matter. There's just something about them that brings me back from the cliff edge. They are the murky shades of billowing grey in the storm, that blaze pearlescent and brilliant when the clouds part and the sun shines through them in the storm.
Wax lyrical much Bella...
This brings me back to Jasper, Jasper who appears to be fully checked out. He's there; his eyes are focused on my face, but there is nothing behind them. It's fucking odd. It's like someone has unzipped him at the back and pulled him out of his skin, leaving only the shell in the chair. At least we've broken out of the cycle of "what the fuck", I guess. My eyes dart back to Peter and Charlotte, and gesture back to Jasper, quirking an eyebrow and my head in his direction.
"I think I've broken Jasper. I hope you weren't too fond of him"
Peter gives me a sad smile, but it doesn't give me the urge to smack his face off. How odd. I think they get the need to find the humour in the little things. Fuck, I'd never stop crying if I didn't.
"He'll come back around when he's processed everything, Bella. Alice's betrayal hit him hard, and knowing that they've done the same to you won't sit right with him."
Charlotte reaches over and pats him affectionately on the leg, before turning back to me.
"Yes, and in the mean time, let me just say that you're welcome to stay here for as long as you want Bella, or you can take Peter's truck and keep on to Mexico if you want."
Peter looks horrified as the prospect of losing his vehicle... very tempting... and stuffs his hands down the side of the chair.
"We'll see what Jasper says when the pod people return him. Things aren't boring here at least." And that bed is really very nice... although, if it fits in the back of whatever Peter drives, it could be a whole other story.
Peter is still pouting away on the sofa about the great truck give away, but tries to lock that shit up as he catches Charlotte giving him the stink eye.
"Oh, and don't think I've forgotten about the two of you kidnapping and then fucking with Bella here. God I can't leave you alone ever! You're like a fucking child, I swear! Retribution has been set; and Bella makes good choices, so you know the deal. Hand them over!"
Peter's eyes start to twinkle again, but I can see he's trying to keep a wave of smugness under wraps.
He's got something up his sleeve. I know that look...
"I'd like the opportunity to propose a counter offer to the fair Miss Bella, if I may?"
Charlotte looks intrigued. In the 'oh good lord, I've already seen some fucked up shit, what the hell is he going to pull now' kind of way. You know what I'm talking about; you sport that look most of the way through every episode of Jackass. Fuck, the stuff those boys do! That goddamn car up Dunn's ass! I squeeze a little tighter just thinking about it.
In the mean time, Peter has magicked a box complete with an ugly ass bow on it from somewhere, and laid it in my lap. He's all eyes and teeth, and I'm intrigued too now. I pull at the corner of the ribbon and the bow falls away, I tuck it into a pocket, a souvenir if this all goes tits up. I lift the lid like I'm handling explosives. The room is still. And Jasper is still, still...
As the top comes off and my eyes meet the contents, I'm conflicted in the moment. Half of me wants to jump up and down and giggle like a child, for the pieces are pure WIN. The other half wonders how the fuck he knows. The last thing I want or need is someone poking round in my head. I raise my eyes to his, the question floats out in the air towards him; my poker face hasn't left since I stopped speaking. He knows what I'm asking, and shakes his head. I don't know how he knows my question, or how I know he understands what I'm asking, but his head shakes infinitesimally in reply.
I believe him. This is a night of all kinds of first for Bella Swan.
"I'm thinking 24 hours. Take it or leave it"
I lean back nonchalantly, when all I want to do is squee like a fangirl at the potential magic that's about to go down.
He pretends to contemplate his options, and then wiggles his fingers at Charlotte.
"I believe we have a deal, Swan"
I turn to Charlotte and a slow easy smile spreads across my face.
"I'm terribly sorry, Charlotte, but he's made me an offer one simply can't refuse."
Her face falls ever so slightly.
"But don't worry, you'll like this too".
My smile takes on a malevolent edge and she makes a miraculous recovery. I tilt the box back toward Peter. She takes a glance and the air is suddenly buzzing with anticipation.
"I believe you know what to do, Peter..."
Got to say – BIG fan of vampire speed right now.
One second he's sitting there all non-cha-fucking-launt on the couch, and then-POW!-there are whiskers on his face, ears on his head, and a tail snaking out the back of his pants!
This is better than I could have ever imagined.
There's something missing though... ah ha! I scamper back to the bathroom and my bag and pull out the raspberry scented marker I swiped at the last gas station. Mmmm raspberry... it smells so good I'm almost tempted to lick it! Prancing back into the room, I quickly attack his face with it, colouring the tip of his nose a delicious pink! So cute!
Charlotte glances at me, and that's all it takes for the two of us to burst out laughing, causing Peter to growl in annoyance. He's finding the fun in this really though, it's there behind his eyes, although I can't help but think this is for me. I manage to whip out my iPhone, amidst the laughter, and start snapping away, thanking whatever higher power that's out there fucking with me for the small graces of the LOLcatMaker application and mobile internet, and start uploading a sequence of shots.
The gut busting laughter is making me lightheaded and I can feel myself start to sway, so executing some wicked bipolar skills that would even make cuntpire proud, I force myself to stop. Passing out is a pain in the ass these days if my heart rate goes up too high. I have the bruises to prove it. Why can't brain cancer have cool side effects!
My stomach suddenly growls and the two of them stop and quirk their heads at me. My mind draws anime speech bubbles coming out of their heads.
"Huh! Oh fuck! You haven't eaten since you got here yesterday have you?"
I'm about to break out the Toblerone when Charlotte cuts in on me. Rude.
"That does not count as a meal!"
"Well, I'm guessing you don't stock anything that will tickle my fancy. Humans are not yummy in my tummy."
"We're quick and can deliver in twenty minutes or less," Peter says throwing in a cheeky wink.
"Well I hope for Char's sake it's less than twenty minutes, but pizza sounds good, I could go for something with an insane cheese to bread ratio. Is there anywhere near here?"
Charlotte and Peter look at each other. I'm clearly asking the wrong people. And yet maybe not...
"There's that place in on Cedar street in Pecos."
"Pizza Hut?"
"No, further down, where we picked up that rapist last month."
"Oh, Pizza Pro! Yeah, that was a good night. Or there's Murphy's Pizza, Subs, & Pasta in Fort Davis..."
"You're right Char, and it's coming up to turning out time at the cells..."
Meals all round I'm guessing, then. Maybe they can pick up something furry for Jasper to go. Have to say that goes on the list of 'oddest conversations of my life', and that's saying something.
They remember I'm still here mid plan. I tap at my watch pointedly "Times a wasting, Peter, and you've only got... 18 minutes now, you better be fast or I'm not paying!"
He grabs Charlotte and makes to dash out the door, before pausing and pointing at chairpire 2.0.
"Don't touch. He bites."
The two of them are gone before I can come up with a reply. Snaps for Peter with that one. I think this might work out very nicely.
It takes me 15 minutes to fully explore the room. There are all sorts of oddities on the shelves and a beautiful picture of horses that hangs on one wall. It's so realistic that I can practically see the dust rising up and out of the frame as the stallions run across the plains. It's too dark to see outside at the minute, so I'm not sure what that looks like, but I can't see any lights so we must be somewhere isolated. I don't feel comfortable exploring too far yet, so I quickly get drawn back to Jasper.
It takes me a few minutes to decide on a plan of action that I've coined 'wake Jasper the fuck up – Texas edition', because apparently pulling funny faces at him does nothing for him... tough crowd! So, I go with the classic face grab/stare down combo. I'd bitch slap anyone else, but that would only hurt me.
I can see him in there now, so I focus. I can feel the loss and desolation seeping from his whole body. I've been there. I'd have given anything then to have someone trying to bring me even an ounce of comfort at one of those moments. I'm inches from his face, and his eyes are screaming at me to back the fuck up, but his arms come out of nowhere and wrap around me drawing me to him in the chair, and seating me on his lap.
Well, there are worse ways to go you know...
I'm curious what his next plan of action is though and keep my eyes locked with his as his arms settle wrapped firmly around my ribs, his hands on my hips.
Our eyes remain locked. I'm not sure how much time passes, or if it's even stopped at all. I feel oddly safe sitting in the lap of an emotionally floundering Jasper. I am lost in the panic of his eyes, but I can feel the tension leaving his body millimetre by millimetre, relaxing beneath me as I stay perfectly still on his lap.
An almighty crash resounds from somewhere and Peter and Charlotte come bursting back into the room, covered in splinters of wood and looking frantic. Jasper's eyes finally move to them, cataloguing this crazy scene, but mine stay locked on his face as a kaleidoscope of emotions twist and twirl across his features, before finally settling on confusion.
"Peter. Why the fuck do you look like a cat?"
Before I'm aware of it, I've been slid off his lap out of the chair, and he's rolling on the floor with laughter. Jesusfuck! He laughs and smiles! What episode of the twilight zone is this?!? But I have to agree, because this is stop drop and roll worthy.
"This is Swan's doing. Terms were made to secure appendages."
"Genius isn't it! Look! 518 hits already! Oh Chairpire, the public just loves your cute little furry face. Aren't you a pretty kitty! Yes you are!"
I feel like Dr Evil. I totally get it now! If I had a lair, I'd get a chair, a monocle, and set that shit up right. I start petting him in practice, before he gives me bitch face and takes a mock snap at my hand. I'll have to look into getting him spayed...
Whatever fuckery Peter has working for him must register this little thought, because he crosses his legs and stalks off. Jasper's face is alive with excitement and that smile again as he begs me for copies of our earlier masterpiece. He should really have to issue some kind of audiovisual warning before being able to bust that out!
"You'll forward me a copy right?"
Charlotte takes this moment to jump back into the conversation, she's obviously decided all is well and has stood down, but pulls some epic stern face out and starts to aim it at Jasper. It's pretty good, girl's got style, so I mirror it and wait for her two cents to be thrown in.
"Get in line Jasper, although we haven't discussed your punishment yet. Kidnapping is frowned upon in the good state of Texas you know, and would it have killed either of the two of you to pick up the phone and let me know I was aiding in a felony?!?"
Somehow, she's instilled the fear of God into him in the past and this little verbal lunge has him ducking his head and a southern accent rolling off his tongue as he tries to defend himself.
"It was all Peter! He told me to pick her up! I had nothing to do with it!"
Ouch!
That might hurt if I let myself give a shit! But the opening you've given me is too fucking easy my bitey little friend.
I turn into Charlotte's body and wink at her, who shielded by me smirks quickly, catching on at the mind fuck I'm about to pull on Jasper. She wraps an arm around me, rubbing her hand up and down my arm, feigning comfort. Never fuck with a lady Jasper, we'll always win. I'm trying really hard not to laugh, but we can work with this, so I start the sniffing.
"Char..." Sniff "... nobody..." Sniff "...nobody wants me!"
Oh Swan, this is beautiful, you've outdone yourself. I can't even meet Charlotte's eyes for fear of losing it, and when Jasper starts spitting out apologies, that accent coming out thick and fast, I'm nearly done for! There should be Oscars all round for this.
"Oh fuck! Bella, that's not what I meant! I mean, shit! I want you! Ah fuck... Not like THAT! Not that you aren't beautiful, because you are... FUCK! I mean, you can stay here if you want. Please don't cry!"
He's just too easy to tease! It takes another minute to get the sniffing and giggles under control before I can finally pull away and look Charlotte in the face, and then immediately burst out laughing again. Fucking priceless! His mouth is frozen in an O of surprise, his big pouty lips turned out in shock and fear.
"And that Char, is how it's done"
I take a curtsey, because yeah, we motherfucking owned that scene. She's gained some extra cool points. Today is working out very nicely for her.
"I bow to the master, Swan"
She pulls out a comedy Python style bow and we're giggling our asses off all over again. I don't even remember the last time I laughed like this, and I'm not delving back in to find out, that shit has been put under lock and key again.
Jasper is suddenly entering my personal space. Well, we've just thrown the concept of boundaries out the window today, haven't we!
"I swear. They will pay for what they've done to you."
Pretty words Jasper, but a girl needs more than empty promises.
"Whatever, Jasper."
His stare pins me. His hands wrap around my arms securely, holding me in place and enforcing his words as he leans in.
"No. Not whatever, Bella. I've told you before and I'll tell you again, you are worth it. They will regret the day they ever fucked with you."
His eyes could hold me in place on their own right now, there's no need for the hands. There is a presence in his eyes that I've never seen before. It commands attention and demands respect. But I need to look deeper; I've been lied to before. My hands come involuntarily and cover his, trying to ground myself and stop the magnetic pull his eyes and presence are generating on my soul.
I look deep, searing his right back. It's all truth, he means every word, and he needs it as much as I do. I don't know how, but justice is coming for them, and she's a mean bitch when she wants to be. But I'm not the only one wronged in all of this.
"Either of us, Jasper. They will regret the day they ever fucked with either of us. But right now, there's a pizza right there with my name on it. Those bastards in the hospital wouldn't let me have that in six months, and I'm fucking hungry!"
The smell has been taunting me since Peter drifted back in from the kitchen, tail swinging away behind him, as the two men shot covert looks full of silence and meaning at each other. Nothing slips by me any more; I don't know who they're trying to fool with their 'secret codes'.
Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot bitches, I speak them all.
I lean down to the table, taking a whiff of the heavenly perfume that emanates from the congealing mass of cheese. Oh come to mama! I don't even want to think about the shit those fuckers had been pushing into me for the past six months. It should be a fucking crime to think about that shit with a slice of heaven in front of me. My eyes glance up and notice Jasper is back to not moving, Peter picks up on it too and heads over to whisper something in his ear as he gives him a man hug. Boys!
"Stop cuddlecocking over there you two and come tell me what there is to do in Balmorhea, as I consume this fuckawesome pizza – thank fuck I don't have to share with you guys!"
Peter tries to swipe at a piece for shits and giggles, and I give him a mini growl at his approaching hand. He bursts out laughing and pounces back on the sofa next to Charlotte, whispering naughty things in her ear by the way she's squirming in that seat. What kinds of fucked up role play have I setup with that getup!
I take a seat and dive into the steaming box, recollecting on the fact that this is the most interaction I've ever had with Jasper, ever. We were always kept away from one another, Christ I even had more interaction with Rosabitch, and that's fucking sad! He's flat turned down several opportunities at making a meal of me, fucking rubbed himself up against me in the shower, and didn't flip his shit when I broke him out of his circle jerk of a mindfuck earlier. Those assholes had gone out of their way to keep him from me, saying he wasn't strong enough and could snap at any moment, Fuckward had even had the balls to cite him as a reason for leaving! Fucking pussy!
I think now, we've got our chance to finally be friends, maybe this is my gift before I shuffle that last mile to the finish line. I'll be making damn sure to cheer his serious ass up and fix some of the damage they've caused. One of us should get the benefit of my clarity; I wasn't going to be around long enough to benefit from it.
The influx of cheese and the stress of the day's events rapidly encroached as I sat in the soft leather chair, listening to the melodic chimes of the three of them rambling amongst themselves about random shit. Before I know it I'm floating, suspended in a pair of steel arms and gazing into a set of golden eyes that flash in the darkness.
I blink.
I'm placed on the cloudlike bed, and I'm asleep before I realise it's happened.
But before I drift off completely, I register the fact that I feel something for the first time in a long time. And it's not completely awful.
How odd.
Sharing is caring. Just like reviews... I'll also accept kittens, Stoli, limoncello, tequila, anything rum based, mojitos (only if you can make them properly), and Toblerone.
See, I can be fair!
p.s lovemesomejasper, your thundercats is in chapter 15 – most of it is already written.
p.p.s Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot - - I was looking for different language versions and came across that little beauty on AngstGoddess003's blog. Snaps for her, and her amazing work! (and yes, I'm fully aware that I just quoted Legally Blonde at you. I'm ashamed for myself, don't rub it in) x