Hey guys! So I'm just going to stop saying how many chapters are left because honestly I don't know. I keep thinking I'm at the end but then another chapter gets too long and it has to be split. For instance the next three chapters were supposed to be one (all three are written and beta'd so I'm thinking I'll post every couple of days). I will say about this chapter that Chuck doesn't just skip through the songs or anything I just think you guys get the idea of the lyrics by now. Thanks to all of you who helped me out by voting, you guys rock and your opinion really helped out. Also another reminder even though I've mentioned it before but remember that my Chuck's mom died when he was like seven b/c I had already published that long before we knew otherwise.
To My Reviewers: smartin555, Juicyxoxocharm16, LayRay, CarolinaGirl21, tvrox12, odyjha, LitPrincess2787, ggff-fan, Krazy4Spike, GGfanficfan09, mrschuckbass94, and SouthernBelle88. Thanks so much, I do this for you guys.
Special thanks to miragrace93 for beta'ing this chapter at lightning speed! You are awesome. Thanks to ggff-fan as well for the advice on this chapter.
Disclaimer: I own a lot of TY Beanie Babies left over from the 90s but I do not own Gossip Girl.
Rated: T because I let things get smexy from time to time.
Sunday, May 10, 2009 - Duke Hospital, Durham NC
Chuck still lay in bed several minutes after Blair had left the room. Her words were still echoing in his ears. I'm not giving up on you Chuck, not now, not ever. He still remembered the feel of her lips on his, something he had only dreamed of experiencing in the past. And as it turned out reality was so much better than anything he might have imagined. She tasted incredible and her scent was intoxicating, Chanel mixed with something uniquely Blair Waldorf. God he had wanted her so much when she kissed him the second time. He would have done anything in that moment to have her and that's why he followed her next instructions. Listen to the iPod, remember us, and come home to me. She made him want to be with her more than he had ever wanted anything, more than he wanted freedom, and if there was a possibility that everything that she had told him was true, that Nate was out of the picture and she was really all his; then he had to try. Not to mention he was increasingly curious about the iPod and what it contained. I'll be waiting for you. With Blair's last promise still ringing in his hears he placed the earbuds in his ears and pressed play.
"Blair, if you are listening to this I am so sorry, I failed you in so many ways if you are actually hearing me right now. Now enough of that, that isn't what this playlist is about; it's about us; our story. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride." Surprise hit him like a brick upon hearing his own voice. He wasn't sure what he had expected as he pressed play but this wasn't it. Blair had said that it was his wedding gift for her when she married Marcus so it made sense that it would be his voice and not hers but it was still a shock to hear oneself, especially speaking in such a romantic fashion. "I could never in my life manage to forget this song. It was a wild night at Victrola and this girl that I had always thought was the perfect lady got up on stage and danced. If I could pinpoint the moment that it happened I would say that this is the moment that I fell in love with you." Chuck felt the irony of his words because he had indeed forgotten the significance of this song, to him it was just a song that the dancers at Victrola danced to. From his words he assumed that Blair had indeed been telling the truth when she said she danced for him that first night. Hearing his own voice say that he was in love with her was further shock, something he couldn't seem to get over as he listened to himself sing Stripper by the Soho Dolls. As the song finished he heard Blair's voice. "I remember that night perfectly. Sure I was drunk the entire time, but when I was on that stage my entire body tingled with excitement. I'd been free and dare I say it, I'd been happy. I remember the entire experience as though it were yesterday: the lights, the other girls, and most of all your eyes. You watched my every move. You toasted me because I had taken your dare and proved you wrong." He came to the sudden realization that she had added this for him, to help him know her thoughts and their actions and found that it gave him a pleasurable feeling in his gut how much she did care about him; no one cared about him like that. He continued listening to her speak as though it were the most interesting thing in the world and to him it was. "I wasn't in love with you yet but you were one of my best friends and looking back I can see that this is where it happened for you. This is where you went from respecting me to caring about me as more than a friend, more than all of those other girls you toyed with."
The next words he heard were once more him. It was a strange feeling to truly know that everything that Blair said was true. There were still incredible feelings of doubt inside him because even though Blair told him all of this and now he was hearing it from his own voice, so much of it was still unbelievable. Blair wasn't meant to be his, she was Nate's, he wasn't supposed to interfere no matter how much he might have wanted to. Yet when listening to his own voice recount their past, it became a past that he could no longer deny. Instead he was left trying to decipher and believe it because there was a difference between denial and belief. "When you danced on that stage that night I was more in awe of you then I ever thought I could be. Then in the limo you kissed me. You were the first and only girl I have ever asked if they were sure. I didn't want to mess things up with you." He knew in his heart that he would have asked Blair if she was sure, he wouldn't have wanted to lose her or allow her to do something that she didn't want to even if it had meant getting to have sex with her. He just wouldn't do that to Blair. For him, she wasn't a conquest, she wasn't just another ass to tap; she mattered. The words of the song that followed his speech made him tremble. I don't want this moment to ever end, where everything's nothing, without you. I'll wait here forever just to see you smile, cause it's true I am nothing without you. Through it all I made my mistakes. I stumble and fall, but I mean these words. He wasn't familiar with the song With Me but the words felt so true that it scared him. Just like it scared him to think that without her he really might be nothing; he certainly didn't feel like Chuck Bass. I want you to know, with everything I won't let this go. These words are my heart and soul, I hold on to this moment you know. Cause I'd bleed my heart out to show and I won't let go. It was as though the song were written for him . . .written for him to sing to her. He could only imagine actually getting to be with Blair Waldorf at that moment and he knew that if he could remember it, it would be a moment that he would treasure and he would never want to let go of it or her. Thoughts read are spoken, forever in doubt. And pieces of memories fall to the ground. I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go. Cause it's true, I am nothing without you. And all the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go have come to an end. The song continued through another verse and chorus but to Chuck it was all the same as he was caught up in the idea that he had truly been Blair Waldorf's first. It was almost inconceivable, yet it had to be true. As the song finished he heard Blair once more.
"I don't know that I can put into words how I felt that night. To my surprise, you made me feel wanted, desired, appreciated; all things that I hadn't been feeling from Nate in so long. I loved that feeling; almost like it were a drug. That's why I had thanked you for the ride home. I thought that maybe, just maybe you would say something to make me feel like that again and you delivered saying. 'You looked amazing up there tonight.'" Chuck found himself smiling, from the sound of things he'd done well; he'd been a good guy for once. That fact alone made him feel good; he had been the good guy when it counted. "You fed that thing inside of me that needed to be wanted, desired, appreciated. Wanting more of the feeling I moved closer to you, my eyes told you to close the distance to which you of course complied and I kissed you. That kiss will remain seared in my memory for the rest of my life simply because of the amount of passion that was behind it. It was the first kiss that I had ever received that made me feel truly desired and not like some kind of obligation. So when you asked me "You sure?" I fed the hunger and responded with another kiss. It felt so good to be wanted. You pulled me to you, pressing your body firmly against mine, communicating just how much you wanted me and I allowed myself to become completely engulfed by you, allowing you to swallow me whole. We flipped and twisted in the limo, kissing each other with ever increasing passion. I remember you putting on protection before entering me only because I tried to stop you; I was so impatient. You shot me a look and spoke firmly. 'I won't risk putting you through that.' It was one of the best nights of my life." Blair concluded, leading once more into his own voice.
Chuck felt his body lurch at the sheer volume of emotion in his voice as he spoke again. "I still feel that way you know. The next song is a little funnier. I remember pulling up to next to you the day after while I was listening to this in my limo. This song had always been the way I thought of girls so I thought that maybe if I listened to it; I could make myself think of you like that. Instead it turned out that everything was the opposite. You wanted to forget that night and I wanted a relationship." Chuck felt a slight pain in his chest at hearing that Blair had wanted to forget about their night together after he had just admitted to himself that a night like that with Blair would have meant so much to him; but he had to smile at hearing himself sing the song he knew so well. The words of One Week of Danger were words that he had lived his life by Come on baby, we get along, please don't just spoil it, don't steer us wrong. Let's get together and get it on, let's get those clothes off, before I'm gone. That he had been unable to forget Blair was interesting but not surprising; you didn't just forget Blair Waldorf no matter who you were. As the song finished Blair spoke again as he had come to expect. "Believe it or not I had gone to confession that morning. You pulled up next to me as I was walking out of St. Patrick's. I remember that this song was always your philosophy, use 'em and lose 'em and that had been exactly what I had wanted you to do to me. I asked you to pretend it never happened but you of course refused. I was the exception to your rule. You invited me to breakfast that morning, BREAKFAST! I was so stupid thinking that all I wanted was to get Nate back when we could have had something then and there. I pushed you away but you pushed back buying me the Erickson Beamon necklace and telling me that you liked me that night at my party. I have to admit that I wasn't so receptive to your feelings at first. I had practically tricked you into admitting that you liked me which only happened because I'm as perceptive as you are and when I reacted you responded with 'How do you think I feel? I haven't slept, I feel sick, like there's something in my stomach . . . Fluttering.' When I called you out on your butterflies you responded with, 'I assure you, no one is more surprised or ashamed than me.'" Chuck had had a difficult time accepting Blair's sequence of events but her use of his words showed him that she was still being truthful as that would be precisely how he would respond. Just like him admitting that he liked her would have taken someone as perceptive as Blair to coax it out of him. "You comforted me when Nate didn't show up, which you orchestrated. You told me I was beautiful and you were the first person to really make me feel that way. Butterflies are and will always be a symbol of us to me."
Leading into the next song Chuck found his words gripping. "So this song is one that sticks out particularly in my mind. If you remember, it was the first time that you had ever mentioned anything about us being more that just friends with benefits. At the time I went with you when you said that I didn't want people to know either but right then, I would have traded Nate for you in a heartbeat." Chuck found himself startled once more by his words. He had admitted that she was worth more to him than Nate. That was big. The song itself, You're A Wolf, was one he didn't really know but the concept that he had spoken of was riveting as were Blair's words. "This song was playing one day after Cotillion practice. We were in the midst of foreplay when Nate interrupted us. He didn't catch us, Dorota called me downstairs and he tried to talk me into going to Cotillion with him; he succeeded." Chuck frowned realizing they were getting close to Nate and Blair's reunion and he found himself and his heart inexplicably linked with the Chuck of the past, this would hurt; but his hopes were bolstered by her next words. "But that's not what I remember about that day. I remember that this was the first time I considered the possibility of what we had turning into an actual relationship. You suggested that I was only an accessory on Prince Theodore's arm and on you I would be so much more. And for the next few days I found myself seriously considering the possibility."
Chuck couldn't seem to wipe the dopey smile off his face from Blair's last words until he spoke again; which wiped his smile away in an instant, leaving him wincing even though he knew it was coming. "Now we have come to the part in our story in which I start screwing up. The Debutante Ball. I was so bent on keeping you that I plotted and schemed to do it. I tried everything in my power to make sure that I didn't lose you to Nate. But of course you being you and knowing me as well as you do you figured out what I had done and told me that we were through. Looking back now it is almost funny to me that I was so terrified of losing you that I couldn't see that I was the one pushing you away. This playlist isn't just about our good memories; it is about everything, our entire story. So here is the point where I lost control." The song that followed was one he remembered from Cotillion practice; something that started back in June prior to each Debutante Ball, it was called Three Wishes and there was surprising truth in the words. You say you want to know her like a lover and undo her damage, she'll be new again. Finally accepting that he and Blair had had something, he was doing his best to place himself in each of these situations, thinking what he would have done with the opportunity to be with her. For instance, in this case he knew that he would want to know absolutely everything about Blair that he didn't already know, if there was anything he didn't know. He knew that she was damaged from Nate; that she would have had to have difficulty trusting again after what Nate did to her. Soon you'll find that if you try to save her, it renews her anger, you will never win. The line that followed was just as true because obviously he had just been trying to save her, to keep her safe; yet his scheming to keep her from Nate had completely blown up in his face, sending her fleeing from him. This time he was looking forward to the close of the song because he wanted to hear Blair's voice even more; he was becoming addicted. "I love your version of this song, it sounds so dark and husky in your low voice. You cued it right after Nate had been thrown out. I walked over to you and as you pulled me into a dance I didn't stop you. After what Nate had pulled I was angry and was about one minute from making our relationship public just to punish Nate; that's when I realized that you had set the entire thing up. Looking back I realize that you did it because you loved me so much you didn't want to lose me but all I saw then was that you had betrayed me, manipulating me like you would anyone else, I was so hurt that I ran to Nate to get back at you. You tried to pull me back and kiss me in front of everyone but I ran away, straight to him." Chuck found himself gripping the bed sheets so tightly that his knuckles were white; of course he had screwed up and lost her; screwing up was what he did best.
"So Blair there is something I have to confess before this next song, I saw you and Nate that night at the Cotillion. I followed you out of the ballroom and watched from the stairs as you pulled him into the bedroom. I'm sorry I never told you but that's why I left for Monaco. That was the moment that I didn't just know that I wanted you but that I was genuinely in love with you." So it took losing her to realize that he was in love with her, that figured, Chuck reasoned as the lyrics of Apologize began to ring through his ears. He found himself hoping that at some point he had apologized for ruining her Cotillion, he knew it was important to her. Once more he found the lyrics fitting. You tell me that you're sorry didn't think I'd turn around and say that it's too late to apologize, it's too late. I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you, I need you like a heart needs a beat but it's nothing new. He knew that he would never have done whatever it was he actually did to ruin her Cotillion if he'd known it would hurt Blair so badly that she wouldn't forgive him because after all the entire point was not to lose her. As the song came to a close he found himself trembling, waiting for the words that she was sure to say. "That song was playing in the ballroom when Nate and I slept together upstairs. I wanted so much to prove to you that you couldn't control me and I saw it as a way to get my perfect life back. Looking back it makes me nauseous. I had everything I want now then and I threw it all away."
Blair's words soothed him and he found himself relaxing his hands, letting the silk sheets slide through his fingers. At his next words, the fabric was once more twisted around his fingers and his blood pressure shot up. "Ah yes, My Worst Mistake. Unfortunately not all of our memories are fond ones and since I'm really trying to tell our whole story; I've got to tell even the things that I regret and believe me I regret this more than anything I've ever done." Looking down at the list Chuck saw that this was a song called Happily Never After and could tell immediately that whatever Blair said afterwards was going to be bad; really bad. The words of the song did nothing to dispute this. I don't think I want this anymore as she drops the ring to the floor, she says to herself, 'You've left before' this time you will stay gone that's for sure. His words hadn't given much as to what exactly he had done but whatever it was sounded like he had done something awful to make Blair want to leave and give up on them. No happily ever after that just ain't for me because finally I know I deserve better after all; I'll never let another teardrop fall. Throughout the chorus his suspicions that he had done something truly terrible grew. From the sound of it, he'd done something that caused her to realize that she did deserve better than him. He wasn't wrong, there were tears in her voice. "Remember how I glazed over you blogging about me to gossip girl and me almost running away to France?" She paused and he found himself nodding even though he knew there was no way for her to see him. "The reason I almost left for France wasn't because of my ruined reputation, it was because of the words that you said to me. I remember them as though you just said them." Blair stopped for a moment and he hoped against all hope that she wouldn't say the words, he didn't think that he could handle them but he knew she would. "When I said, 'I have no one to turn to but you,' your response was. "Actually you don't even have me,' You knew I was going to call your bluff so you elaborated, saying. 'I'll try to be more succinct. You held a certain fascination when you were beautiful, delicate, and untouched; but now you're like one of the Arabians my father used to own, rode hard and put away wet. I don't want you anymore and I can't see why anyone else would.'" Chuck felt the vomit rise in his throat on hearing what he had said to her, it was worse than he could possibly imagine. At his most hurt he couldn't see himself being that cruel; not to Blair, never to Blair. "That's why I almost left for France. Not because I lost Serena, or my reputation, or the girls at school, or even Nate; I almost left for France because I lost you. I don't know that you ever knew that."
Chuck looked down at his hands which were now facing palm up. How had she ever forgiven him for those words? How had he ever forgiven himself? Had he ever forgiven himself? He knew about her eating disorder, he knew about her insecurities about not being good enough, he knew her greatest fear was not being wanted. It wasn't that she'd ever told him about her disorder (that he knew of), or that she made it obvious but he'd studied her enough to realize what was going on. Anyone close to Blair wasn't really seeing her at all if they didn't know; which made him wonder if he was the only one who really did see Blair for who she was. Which made it all the worse that he hadn't just gone after her reputation, he had said the very words that were needed to break her. What kind of person was he? Chuck likely would have continued to contemplate these things if his own voice hadn't cut in. "Sorry for that last one. I know how hard that had to have been to listen to. This song is one I've included because of the date I heard it more than what was actually going on during the song." Everytime. It wasn't a song he knew. He hadn't even heard of the band Lincoln Hawk; but right then he didn't care, he didn't really listen to it, he was too focused on the words he said and he needed to hear Blair's voice, to tell him that he had made up for it and that she was okay. When her voice finally spoke again he heaved a sigh of relief remembering that she wasn't experiencing this as he was, to her this was the past; but apparently she knew him better than he thought she did. "Yes you apologized and yes I forgave you. I know you didn't mean what you said. I know you only said it because you were hurting. This song is actually Dan's father's band if you can believe that; apparently they were cool once. We went to one of their concerts to track down Georgina who was attempting to ruin Serena's life with a crazy sex tape that ended in a drug overdose. You and I talked for the first time in months and of course it was to scheme and plot the downfall of the crazy bitch."
He was smiling at Blair's words because of course Georgina Sparks was a crazy bitch. He would never admit this aloud but his first time had been with her and she had practically sexually assaulted him. "Blair, the wedding was one of the most important days of my life. Whether you know it or not, it was the first time I ever told anyone that I was in love with you. I told Nate and then I realized that I didn't want to be without you so I told you so in my best man speech. When you took me back I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. I am so sorry for screwing everything up." So he won her back and threw her away, why was he even surprised anymore? For now he focused on relishing in that he'd won her back as he relaxed to an old Death Cab song, the Ice Is Getting Thinner that wasn't particularly relevant. He was ecstatic to hear Blair's voice once more, realizing that he was dangerously close to becoming addicted to the simple sound of her speaking. "Your best man speech was the most romantic thing I'd ever heard and it was all for me, I'd known that from the start but afterwards you made sure I knew. You apologized for everything, telling me that I didn't belong with Nate, telling me that you wanted a relationship. The way you kissed me that night claimed me as yours forever. You said you wanted to take it slow; our version of such meant that we didn't rip each other's clothes off at the wedding reception. In fact we made it all the way back to your suite." Blair paused and when her voice returned Chuck realized that there had been a change in it. Before she had sounded as though she was remembering things fondly now she sounded hurt and he immediately knew that this was the part where he screwed up. "We were really happy for that one week but then I went to Tuscany and you were supposed to join me but you never came."
Chuck was about to go to the next song desperate to learn why he'd abandoned her to go to Tuscany all by herself after he'd just gotten her back, when Holly walked into the room, surprised to find him still awake. "What are you doing up Chuck? It's three in the morning." She had come in just to check on him and couldn't believe he was still up and alert.
Chuck looked at Holly strangely. How was it possible that it was three in the morning? He looked over at the clock finding that she was correct and couldn't have been more surprised. He had gotten so wrapped up in the iPod that he didn't realize how much time had passed. He slipped the earbuds out of his ears and wrapped them around the iPod which he placed on his bedside table. "I didn't realize how late it was, I got distracted."
Holly nodded even though she didn't quite understand anything other than whatever Blair had said and given Chuck must have had quite an impact for him to still be up thinking about it. She left the room quickly, knowing he needed to sleep.
After Chuck watched Holly leave, he laid his head down on the pillow and wrapped the covers around him tightly. He had assumed that sleep wouldn't come easily as he hadn't even known how late it was but apparently Chuck hadn't realized just how exhausted he was and within a few minutes he was fast asleep.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed. I've included the song list again down below. Thanks for reading. If I feel like everyone's read this chapter I'll go ahead and post the next and the best way to know you let me read is to review :)
xoxo
kate
The Beginning: Stripper - Sohodolls
You Sure: With Me - Sum 41
Role Reversal: One Week of Danger - The Virgins
Sneaking Around: You're A Wolf - Sea Wolf
Losing Control: Three Wishes - The Pierces
Losing You: Apologize - One Republic
My Worst Mistake: Happily Never After - Nicole Swartzenager
Finding My Way Back: Everytime - Lincoln Hawk
The Wedding: The Ice Is Getting Thinner - Death Cab For Cutie