Sorry guys, I meant to have this up earlier, I was going to post Friday but before I did I noticed some things that I want to change so it took me a couple days to do that. For those of you who aren't a fan of the song fic style I do understand I promise and there's only one more chapter of it after this. After that I don't know that there is another song lyric in the entire thing (maybe the Epilogue which is going to be EPIC by the way). That being said, do enjoy. (Also, there's another poll on my profile)

To my reviewers: annablake, kitkat0425, The Truth In Fiction, CarolinaGirl21, ana-12, GGfanficfan09, LitPrincess2787, and ggff-fan. You guys totally rock my socks and I ADORE YOU!

Disclaimer: I own a ridiculous number of DVDs but I do not own Gossip Girl.

Rated: T because I let things get smexy from time to time and I'm liberal with my language usage.

Thanks again to miragrace93 for the beta work!

Chapter 59: The Broken Vow

Monday, May 11, 2009 - Duke Hospital, Durham NC

Upon waking up, Chuck's first thought was a question. Where the fuck was he? He looked around the room taking it in. It looked suspiciously like a hotel room but there were monitors beside him. The moment of confusion lasted probably less than a second before he knew exactly where he was but when he did, Chuck couldn't help but think that just for a moment he had woken up with his memory back, just for a moment he had been the real Chuck Bass again. That thought made him laugh. A few weeks ago he had resisted Blair saying that the real Chuck Bass was who he was now, not the guy she claimed he was; right now he wasn't so sure, especially after the way he had felt upon waking up. He missed her.

He shook his head slightly realizing that he had practically had this hospital room converted into a hotel, even the bathroom was high tech and for a moment he thought, what the hell am I still doing here? Almost immediately he reminded himself that he was here because the only real alternative was New York; staying here was his best excuse for not going back there because he could remain here under the pretense of having more tests done. If he left he knew not only would Blair track him down but this time his father would likely play a role as well. So instead of going back home like he probably should, Chuck Bass was being a coward and living in a hospital. If he kept this up much longer, by the time he was done renovating this was going to be the nicest hospital in the world or at least the most luxurious; he'd already had them build a library complete with a computer lab he was thinking a new cafeteria was about to be in order, with chefs. He was tired of having to have his food catered in.

Chuck dressed, resigned to finding somewhere in this hospital more interesting than his room to listen to the iPod today. Knowing that they had just finished with the remodels he had paid for on the library he wandered there, finding a chair in the corner hidden by the stacks. Sitting down he pulled out the iPod and pressed play; hearing his voice once more. Even after a full day of listening to the iPod he couldn't get used to hearing his own voice. "I wish you weren't crying right now. I wish that I hadn't screwed up so much that you were reduced to tears at this point. I messed us up Blair and as much as we've discussed it and you've tried to take some of the blame, you did NOTHING wrong. It was my fault that you were left alone in France, my fault that you had to turn to Marcus; I pushed you right into the bastard's arms. As you can see from the title we are to my little confession. I should have said it sooner you know. I should have told you what was going on with me. If I had everything could have been different. But I didn't and that can't be changed. So I'm going to quit talking about what I wish had happened and continue on our little journey. So here's Confessions." As the song started Chuck smiled, he knew this one well. It was one of his favorites to play on the guitar. He was unsurprised to discover that of all songs the one he had chosen to sing to Blair to tell her that he was in love with her was Whatever It Takes. After what he had heard about their story it seemed to fit better than any other might. It kills me that I hurt you this way. The worst part is that I didn't even know. Now there's a million reasons for you to go but if you can find a reason to stay I'll do whatever it takes to turn this around. I know what's at stake I know that I've let you down. And if you give me a chance, believe that I can change, I'll keep us together, whatever it takes. Abandoning her in France must have killed Blair and he wished he'd known why he'd done it; he knew he was scared he'd surmised that much but what could he have been thinking, putting her through that? Clearly the old him knew that it had hurt her badly if he'd known that she'd be crying when she got to this song. You said if we're gonna make this work, you gotta let me inside even though it hurts. Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see, you said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be, you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me. Those lines made him curious as he began to wonder if Blair had said something of the sort to him. As far as he knew no girl ever had but he had a sneaking suspicion that Blair would. When the song finished and Blair started speaking he realized that it was even more perfect than he had originally thought. "You sang this to me while we were in the Hamptons on the night you confessed that you loved me. The night before at the pool you had kissed me and told me you weren't giving up, that you were going to do whatever it took to show me that we were meant to be. I turned it around on you I accused you of being the one standing in our way because you wouldn't let me in. This song was your response. We made love afterwards that was the happiest I ever remember being, it was only hours later that Marcus gave me the ultimatum."

Chuck found himself holding back tears of his own at those that had appeared in her voice and thought he was glad when the voice switched to his own again but his own words made him cringe; this wasn't getting happier anytime soon. "Blair, this next song kills me to sing. I thought that everything was finally right with us when I came home that night to see you and Marcus together. I should have trusted then that you wouldn't do that to me. I was just so damn insecure that I didn't even think before reacting. I'm so sorry for that Blair. What you were going through was awful and I made it so much worse. That night when you came to my room I lashed out, saying things I never wanted to say. Things just went So Wrong, So Fast." He didn't know the song, Goodbye; he was only slightly familiar with the band Secondhand Serenade. He couldn't understand why these words would ever be part of his story with Blair. I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive, cause everything we've been through and everything about you, seems to be a lie a guiltless twisted lie. It made me learn to hate you or hate myself for letting it pass by. All I have to say is goodbye, we're better off this way. He didn't want to hear what she said next, didn't want to know what he had done. At the same time he couldn't bring himself to skip her words. "That night after Marcus blackmailed me into agreeing to marry him he forced me to . . ." Chuck winced in pain at Blair's inability to say the word; he understood immediately just what she had been forced to do and it made his gut twist in a way that was extremely uncomfortable. With a sick feeling he remembered that he'd done that to girls in the not so distant past, one almost being Jenny Humphrey. He felt sick as she continued speaking. "Marcus left the door open and you saw. I wanted to go to you but Marcus wouldn't let me. Later that night I snuck into your room. You were understandably angry and I couldn't tell you the truth. I tried to tell you that I loved you and you told me never to say those words to you again because I didn't mean them."

Chuck wiped a furious tear from his eye. If someone had seen he would have sworn that his eyes were simply dry but in his heart he knew that it was Blair's words and the reality of what she'd been through to protect him. His gut was still twisting and turning painfully not only at what he'd done to Blair but at the kind of person he'd been when he heard his voice again. "Serena told me that you were listening to this song while you got ready for the Gala. When she told me, the first thing I thought of was back when we were in middle school and you and I were the only ones who understood the lyrics. I felt them for you at that point. I always thought it would be best if you hated me; were disgusted by me because I was poison for someone as perfect as you. To find out that you used this song to get you through that time really resonated with me. I had a feeling that when you told me I was worthless it was because you wanted me to hate you but I didn't know for sure until Serena spoke to me later. And I wanted to hate you, so much; but I couldn't because as hard as I tried to let go I knew somewhere inside that you would always be a part of me." Chuck knew the song that he was singing; of course he knew the song. It was his anthem for Blair while growing up even now, it was so much better for her to hate him then have to hurt because of him. It was easier for him if she hated him too because if she hated him there was never a chance of them betraying Nathaniel though it seemed as though that hadn't quite worked out. Hate me today, Hate me tomorrow, Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you, Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow, Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you. The chorus still meant the same as it always did to him; hating made things easier but now the second verse made him think so much more than it used to. In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night, while I was busy waging wars on myself you were trying to stop the fight. You never doubted my warped opinions on suicidal hate, you made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take. So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind. He couldn't help but wonder if these lines were meant in reference to Blair's eating disorder. Had she told him? Had he helped her with it in some way? But when her voice returned he didn't get his answer. "This song, these words, were my source of strength when I needed it the most. I pushed you away that night at the gala saying words that I knew would kill you. I wanted you to hate me, I wanted you to just let go of me so that everything would be easier. I told you that you were worthless, that you meant nothing to me, that you weren't good enough, all to make you give up. I didn't mean a word of it and doing it killed me inside."

Chuck was breathing heavily, it seemed like all he and Blair ever did was hurt one another. When it was him speaking again he realized how true that was; they caused each other such pain. "Ahh, Revenge. It's supposed to be sweet isn't it? I thought I was getting you back for all the pain you had caused me. At that time I really believed that it had all been an elaborate plan to get back at me for leaving you earlier that summer. I can't believe I ever thought that you were that petty. All I could see was what I wanted to see. I made you out to be the villain in my mind but even that night as I tried to punish you for what I thought you did to me, it was a constant struggle not to let my feelings show"

'Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off' began to blare through the earbuds and his stomach gave a sudden lurch. These words were awful to sing to someone who was going through what she was going through, yet at the same time he knew that it would have been how he felt at the time, not knowing the truth. Is it still me that makes you sweat? Am I who you think about in bed? When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress? Then I think of what you did and how I hope to God he was worth. When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as you're fingers touch your skin. As if the first verse wasn't bad enough when she was being raped by the guy he had to continue on with the teasing, angry chorus. I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me. Girl I was it look past the sweat, a better love deserving of exchanging body heat in the passenger seat? No, no, no you know it will always just be me. The song made him feel physically sick to the point that he had to go to the bathroom and splash cold water on his face. He jerked the iPod out of his ears and laid it on the edge of the sink, leaving his hands free to grip the sink as he stared down at the water. This was harder than he had ever imagined was possible. How had the two of them survived such a tumultuous relationship? He asked his reflection, as he looked up. A dark laughter overcame him as he realized that he had an answer for his question. They didn't survive this, at least not intact. He'd tried to kill himself and now had no memory of the relationship at all. Really it was quite ironic.

Taking a deep breath he looked down at the iPod contemplating throwing it into the toilette behind him and being done with all of it. But he couldn't be done with it all, not now not ever; the way he was feeling right now was proof of that. These feelings were going to haunt him for as long as he lived. Taking a shaky breath he looked into the eyes in the mirror, the eyes that he didn't quite recognize. He had been looking at this same reflection his whole life but something looked different. The eyes that stared back at him now had seen more than he'd realized before today. He no longer knew himself; he had these feelings that he wasn't used to. He wasn't Chuck Bass anymore, rather a love drunk perversion of himself, or perhaps love hungover. In which case this was one hangover he had no cure for. Slowly he reached down and picked up the iPod placed in front of him, he didn't have another choice, he couldn't stop listening. Carefully he placed the earbuds back into his ears and walked this time to his room.

Blair's voice was in his ears again before he realized he had pressed play. "Quit blaming yourself." Chuck found himself chuckling darkly, apparently Blair knew himself better than he did if she knew what his reaction to the last song was. "Public embarrassment was nothing in the grand scheme of things besides if you hadn't pulled me onto the dance floor and played this song, virtually exposing our prior affair to everyone, Serena wouldn't have tracked you down and told you to go after me and figure out the truth which you of course did." Chuck's own words followed and he breathed deeply, preparing himself for whatever came next.

"I hate to think where we would be today if Serena had never told me what she knew. Maybe we would be in the exact same place we are now, or maybe we would be in this place only without the knowledge that we weren't trying to destroy each other. Sure it would have been easier that way but at the same time we wouldn't have all of the memories of the past couple of months. They would be replaced by memories of plotting and destruction; so I could never wish not to know. But Blair when I walked up to that door and saw the way that Marcus was treating you, I had to restrain myself from killing him. I wanted to, more than anything at that moment. I wanted to rip him limb from limb. But I knew at that moment that you needed me more than I needed to kill Marcus. So I went to you and you told me that you were doing all this for me. I still think that you were wrong to do that Blair, so very wrong. I'm not worth it. That night burns into my memory though. I had missed your taste so much, I had missed you."

Chuck resisted the urge to agree with himself, resisted the urge to acknowledge that he wasn't worth it, that he didn't deserve Blair's love. Instead he closed his eyes and listened to another song by Secondhand Serenade. Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you, over again, don't make me change my mind or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true, because a girl like you is impossible to find. The realization that what Blair had done, likely had made him fall for her all over again made him feel as though he was falling again, right now. He was right, a girl like Blair was impossible to find, there was no one that came close to measuring up. There was further truth in the words, as there had been with almost each of the songs. This is not what I intended, I always swore to you I'd never fall apart. You always thought that I was stronger. I may have failed but I have loved you from the start. He had failed her for not stopping Marcus, for not realizing what was going on behind his back. He was supposed to know her better than anyone but he hadn't seen what was hiding beneath the surface. This time he longed for her words as he knew that she would be once more reassuring him that she didn't hate him for what he'd done and when she spoke he found himself sighing in relief. "You were worth it Chuck and you still are or I wouldn't still be fighting for us. And you didn't fail me Chuck. I know you think you did, but you didn't. I didn't want you to find out and as well as you know me, I know you just as well. I knew just what to do to keep you at arms length and ensure that you didn't find out what was going on."

Chuck's next words came almost immediately and he was glad to find it wasn't more of him messing up. "I almost didn't add this song on here but I decided that it was indeed a part of our story. We were so frustrated at this point because we knew that we were giving up a chance at being together more to protect Nate. It was an intense fiery culmination of our feelings and in the end I just couldn't leave it out." As he listened to All Around Me he couldn't help but notice that desire was the predominant emotion, not frustration. My hands are searching for you, my arms are outstretched towards you. I feel you on my fingertips, my tongue dances behind my lips for you. The fire rising through my being burning, I'm not used to seeing you. I'm alive. The way both he and the lyrics described the sexual intensity made him want her quite a bit more than he should for someone who wasn't supposed to care. He felt a trembling throughout his body as he continued to listen. I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing, holding on to what I'm feeling, savoring this heart that's healing. It was almost too much for him to take as he found himself squirming on the bed uncomfortably. Once more he was glad when the song ended as it was causing too many emotions to rush throughout him. "I think you're probably confused about your own words here as I didn't really mention the whole thing with Nate before." Blair's words caused Chuck to realize for the first time that he really hadn't known what he was talking about at the beginning of the song; he'd simply gotten too caught up in the sexual energy of the song to think about it. Now he listened intently as Blair continued. "Nate had a little bit of a personality crisis last fall. Serena, who he'd been dating, ditched him for Dan and he slept with Jenny, who was really messed up about it afterwards. Nate continued down a really bad path, sleeping with every girl he could. He slept with Penelope behind the school and someone tipped off gossip girl about it but she didn't know it was Nate. Gossip girl held a competition to see who could figure out who the guy was; the prize was immunity." Chuck inhaled sharply; gossip girl never did things like that. "For us, immunity would have been the perfect solution. Marcus was off at Yale but we still had to sneak around because we didn't want it to get back to him over gossip girl. We figured out that it was Nate and we just couldn't do it to him. That's when this happened. However, earlier that day, we'd saved Jenny from a forceful Nate. She'd been video tapping a project and had an entire conversation between the two of them on tape, including a confession about Penelope. She turned it in to gossip girl for us; making gossip girl promise not to print anything about our relationship."

Chuck couldn't help but be surprised about Jenny's gift to them. He didn't realize that she cared about them but it was evident that somewhere during last fall, Blair and Jenny had formed some sort of bond if Jenny was willing to give up gossip girl immunity for them. He eagerly went on to the next song as he was becoming completely, wrapped up in the story of Chuck and Blair. "It took me a lot longer than I would have liked to figure the whole relationship thing out. I wanted for it to be simple and easy, I just wanted to love you and let that be enough. You had to teach me so much. Like for instance, you had to teach me that you weren't perfect, even though I stand by the fact that regardless of whether or not you are perfect, you are perfect for me. BUT as you so clearly stated the night that you introduced me to this song, you aren't an angel." As he listened to Halo he couldn't help but shake his head upon learning that he had apparently learned quite a bit about how to be a good boyfriend. Some of his modified lyrics particularly spoke to him as he felt that they truly showed that he knew Blair and accepted her for who she was. You always said that you would make mistakes, you're only human and that's your saving grace. You fall as hard as you try so I won't be blinded. I see you as you really are, you have flaws and sometimes you even sin. So I'll pull you from that pedestal, you don't belong there. Her next words however serious they were, made him laugh near the end. "The night Nate was exposed to gossip girl, he texted me and asked me to come see him. I lied to you about where I was going because I didn't want you to worry. Nate kissed me and told me that he wanted me back, needed me back and while I agreed to be there for him I refused his advances. You showed up around that time, apparently you'd known where I'd gone all along but wanted me to know that I could trust you not to overreact. You did punch Nate but that was really overreacting at that point. I took you to Nate's living room and played you this song, telling you that I had messed up by lying to you and that you should be mad at me for what I'd done. You still weren't mad because you said that I didn't have any reason to trust you. After that you resolved to try harder not to place me on a pedestal and told me about what Jenny had done for us (she'd come by the apartment and told you while I was gone). We got a little carried away and almost christened Nate's living room." That's where Chuck laughed aloud because the thought that he and Blair were so caught up in each other's bodies that they almost partook in sexual activities in that stuffy room of antiques was beyond hilarious.

As Blair continued to speak he became even more wrapped up in their past. "This doesn't really have anything to do with the song Halo but I wanted to fill you in on some stuff before the next song. Serena came with you to Nate's that night and apparently they had words. The next day, she told gossip girl that Nate's family was broke because his father had been involved in an embezzlement scam the year before then run off and the police had taken everything. You had known, I hadn't. I called a meeting of those I considered important at the steps including the NJBC as well as Jenny and Dan (Nate was quite smitten with Jenny at this point and Dan and Serena were going strong). We became a team to support Nate." Chuck was shaking his head in wonder at the thought that not only had he worked with Jenny and Dan but that Serena would do something like this to Nate. "Apparently Serena was feeling jealous. She thought she'd lost my friendship and lost Nate's adoration so she was trying to get the gang back together by hurting our reputations so we'd have to come together to fix things. We later discovered she'd posted stuff about us too. Dan figured things out and told Serena to tell us, when she didn't he went to gossip girl. It was a month after that before we fixed things with S." Chuck continued to shake his head in shock as the next intro began.

His heart began to pound loudly in his chest with worry at his own words. "Blair, when I got a phone call from you the night that Marcus came back I was more scared than I think I've ever been in my entire life. Your voice on the phone was terrifying. I didn't tell you this then but I actually ran about eight blocks to get to your apartment that night and if it wasn't for Mr. Jamison, the bellhop, I probably would have had some kind of aneurism because I couldn't get upstairs to you. I was so relieved when I reached you and you were okay, so relieved. I have a favor to ask you Blair. Try, for me, not to make yourself sick because I can't be there to take care of you and I can't live knowing that you are hurting yourself. I love you too much." So sometime she had come clean and told him about her disorder, he'd likely been right before about him already knowing when she used the song Hate Me to help her get through. For a moment he wondered when she had actually told him but he pushed the thought from his mind as Beautiful Disaster played, it didn't matter when she'd told him only that she had trusted him enough to tell him. And the music, the music was heartbreaking to think that Blair felt this way about herself. She swears that there's no difference, between the lies and compliments. It's all the same if everybody leaves her. And every magazine tells her she's not good enough. The pictures that she sees make her cry. Blair was the single most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, that she could think of herself as anything less than perfect astounded him, it always had. She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant. Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction. She never stays the same for long, assuming that she'll get it wrong. Perfect only in her imperfection. She's not a drama queen, she doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but so tired. That was Blair though to a T. She was always trying to put up this perfect indifferent image so that everyone was pleased with her and no one ever realized how much she hurt on the inside. But he'd known, he'd always known, even if he'd never said anything. She would change everything for happy ever after. Caught in the in between a beautiful disaster but she just needs someone to take her home. Blair's voice entered his conscious as the music stopped and he couldn't help but think that for once he had done something right. "I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't shown up that night. I had purged of course but I was so out of it, I don't even know how I managed to call you. Your words that night are the ones that I play in my head every time I want to purge. I force myself to look into a mirror and tell myself that I'm beautiful and that you love me and it's good enough."

From there Chuck settled in listening to some happier memories; laughing as he learned that Blair sang in the shower, laughing harder as he realized that he had been caught listening to her in the shower. He found it interesting that he had used such to predict her mood every morning. And that her favorite song was one called Breakfast at Tiffany's was only too fitting. The record studio was a surprise to him as he was unaware that his father owned one but it made sense. Taking her to the record studio and having her sing though was something that he would have done anyway if he had known that she sang. His favorite times that he could remember with Blair were the ones that were just the two of them, like the morning he showed her Victrola, or the day they were scheming to bring down Serena. Being with her had always made him a happier version of himself.

But the happy memories couldn't last forever as Chuck knew that eventually the wedding would be there."So, this next song will always remind me of those few frantic weeks before the wedding. They seemed to be flying by. In our whole relationship we never seemed to have enough time. I hope you know how hard I tried during this time. All I wanted was to find something to stop that wedding from happening." He listened intently to Over My Head by the Fray and couldn't help but wonder if there was more he could have done? How could he have lost her again. And everyone knows I'm in over my head, over my head. With eight seconds left in overtime, she's on your mind, she's on your mind. As he listened on Chuck couldn't help but hold onto hope that he had done something to stop the wedding; swept in like some kind of white night on his gallant steed and saved the day, saved Blair. But he was being foolish; he had already read the end of this story, he was living it. So of course he knew that he hadn't saved her. "Chuck we did everything we could. YOU did everything you could. Don't beat yourself up over any of this because there's nothing we can do now to change any of it and there was nothing more we could have done then."

Chuck shook his head, not accepting that they had done everything, thinking that there had to have been something even then that they could have done but he pushed it from his mind as he listened to his next words. "I promised you, the night before your wedding that I would always remember you and I will Blair. I tried my best to meet your every want and need that night and I hope that I succeeded because what I wanted more than anything was to give you a night that you could keep." Chuck couldn't help but scoff because he couldn't remember her, or what they'd meant at all. I will remember you, will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by weep not for the memories. The entire song felt so ironic because even after making it this far through the iPod he still had no memory of the events. Remember the good times that we had? I let them slip away from us when things got bad. And that line was true, regardless of his lack of memory, he knew from the iPod that he had let their good memories slip away on more than one occasion. And then there was the second verse which summarized perfectly the position that they had been trapped in. I'm so tired but I can't sleep, standing on the edge of something much too deep. It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word. We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard. They had been dealing with things that no seventeen year olds should have been dealing with and they had had no way out. As the song came to an end, the third verse gave him a strange kind of hope that he'd given her everything she wanted that night as she prepared to sacrifice herself for him. I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose; clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose. Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night, you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light. Or if those lines were meant about him he could discern that they were the truth as well because he had been scared to love her, God he was still afraid to love her, but he could feel the fear of losing her too, it was what kept him listening to this iPod. And she had changed him, taking him from that awful place he was in, the place he still remembered being in, to this guy who was so happy and in love, the guy he didn't remember. Her words to him were once more a comfort but suddenly became something else entirely. "You'll remember one day Chuck, I know you will because I know you. The doctor asked me not to say anything but he told me that the thing that was blocking your memories was you. You were hurting so badly when the car crash happened because of us, the memories of us were destroying you so when you suffered minimal brain damage in the car crash, your brain needed to heal and to do that it couldn't handle dealing with the other things hurting you, so it got rid of the memories of us. As awful as it sounds, the doctor said that this means that you can remember, you have the ability you just have to really be ready for it, you have to really want it."

Chuck was dazed as he reached I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing, so much so that he almost didn't find it funny that he had gotten up in front of a crowd of people to sing at Blair's wedding, almost. That must have been quite a scene, one Marcus likely wasn't too happy about. "What was I thinking getting on stage today? It was probably a bad idea from the start; but I suppose I just wanted to feel a part of your wedding and give you something else because I could never give you as much as you deserve." As he listened to the song, Blair's words from before kept slipping back into his head instead of the lyrics to the song he already knew so well. How was that possible, that he'd been the reason he couldn't remember. That entire theory had to be ludicrous because he wanted to remember, didn't he? For a girl that he felt the lyrics of this song for, he had to want to remember. I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep, cause I'd miss you babe, and I don't wanna miss a thing. Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream would never do, I'd still miss you babe, and I don't wanna miss a thing. He was missing things with Blair right now because he couldn't remember, he had to want to remember, he just had to. "Don't beat yourself up about not remembering Chuck. You'll remember when you can. As for singing at my wedding, it was a great gift that you gave me; one that meant more than I could explain to you with words."

It appeared as though he had carefully selected each song he sang for Blair at the wedding, all of them seemed to be connected to what they were going through and what they meant, he thought as When the Stars Go Blue's intro began. "I hope that this song is in the right spot. It's the recording that we made that day at the record studio; but if things went as planned, we sang it together this afternoon at your wedding reception. I hope it was the latter." Chuck wasn't familiar with the song but the entire duet felt right to him, it felt perfect. Where do you go when you're lonely, where do you go when you're blue, where do you go when you're lonely. I'll follow you. He had a feeling that the old Chuck, the one that remembered everything, would have followed Blair across the world if he could. "Thank you Chuck, for making me get up on that stage and sing with you. I never realized how much I loved singing until then and singing with you, is one of the moments I felt the closest to you."

Chuck couldn't have turned off the iPod now if he had tried. Especially now that he was equipped with the knowledge that he was the only one who could help himself remember, he knew he had to keep going. "I want you to know Blair that in all of these songs I chose for your wedding, I mean every single word. Like this next one, no matter what happens, how far away from me you are you will always be a part of me. I couldn't stop you from getting married but I know you and I know that you will never forget what we've had together." The words of the song made Chuck smirk slightly because he saw things in them that he couldn't have known of when he chose songs for Blair's wedding. You'll always be a part of me, I'm part of you indefinitely. Girl don't you know you can't escape me ohh darling, cause you'll always be my baby. And we'll linger on, time can't erase a feeling this strong. No way you're ever gonna shake me ohh darling cause you'll always be my baby. He might have professed it to Blair then but he knew now that she was really and truly inescapable and that there was a part of him that belonged to her or else he wouldn't still be listening to this iPod or entertaining thoughts that she was where he was supposed to be. "I hope I still have a part of you because damn it Chuck you have my whole heart, not just a part and it's really difficult functioning without my heart." Blair's words made him tremble. The thought that the Blair Waldorf had chosen him to give her whole heart to was something inconceivable to him in so many ways yet now he had no other choice to believe it, just as he had to believe that she had a part of him.

"Blair this song always reminded me of us because anytime that we are together I feel like we are all that matters. Time freezes and it's just us and I can't ever stop looking at you." As You and Me, an old Lifehouse song, began to play Chuck realized that he had always thought about this song in reference to Blair, even before the accident. All of the things that I want to say, just aren't coming out right. I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning, I don't know where to go from here. Pretty much summed up how he always acted around her. Something about her always had him stumbling around and acting in ways he wouldn't have acted with anyone else. For a long time when they were children she probably had thought that he wasn't nearly as intelligent as he was because he was always tripping up around her. Something about you now I can't quite figure out. Everything she does is beautiful, everything she does is right. She'd always knocked him off of his game though he never could identify why, which the song also addressed. There was a level of perfection to Blair Waldorf that he had always believed to be unattainable, unachievable. I don't know why but I can't keep my eyes off of you. There was a spark that always had him gazing at her and he'd never known why. It was clear just why he'd chosen this particular song to sing to her as for him it represented the way he'd always felt about her. As the song closed, he looked forward to hearing what Blair had to say about it since he suspected that she wasn't aware of the likely reason that Chuck selected this particular Lifehouse song. "This was the fifth song you sang at my wedding and the last one that was appropriate for the occasion as you'll soon see and this song means as much to me as any of the others because as you said yourself when we're together it really is just us, no one else matters."

The previous wedding songs already had Chuck in a somber mood when he learned just what Blair was meaning about the next song not being appropriate for a wedding as Goodbye My Lover came up. "I don't know what to say as an intro to this song Blair. I think the lyrics pretty much say it all." Chuck had already had a weak hold on his emotions before the song started but as he listened to the lyrics he lost any illusion of control he had as the tears began to cloud his eyes as he felt emotions that he had always believed were not meant for him.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won

So I took what's mine by eternal right
Took your soul out into the night
It may be over but it won't stop there
I am here for you if you'd only care

Chuck could hear the pain in his voice, the pain in every word. He meant what he had sung and it made him feel these things that he didn't know how to feel. Had he disappointing Blair? God knows he had let her down in so many ways. He was certain that he had blamed himself for all of this, as well he should; he had a unique knack for screwing things up. His pursuit of her was so like this, this song could have been written by the Chuck who had all of these memories, it was that true.

You touched my heart you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you

I've kissed your lips and held your head
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

The words of the song were killing him. Even without actually remembering any of their relationship, he knew that Blair had changed him irreparably. He couldn't be the old Chuck Bass even if he tried. He wasn't the same person, not anymore. Blair had made him different, made him better he assumed. Even if he never remembered anything he couldn't go back to who he was. His heart seemed to know how he felt about her, even if his mind didn't. He was also fairly certain that his heart would know Blair's scent anywhere, if only his mind could recall it.

I am a dreamer and when I wake
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me
Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the father of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you

I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts but now we're fine
And I love you, I swear that's true
I cannot live without you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

It was almost ironic that in the song he was telling her to remember him, it should have been the other way around it seems. With his heart clearly telling him that it belonged not to him but to someone else, if he could remember what they used to be he had a feeling that nothing would keep Chuck Bass from Blair Waldorf. The engagement ring was proof that he was more than willing to spend his life with her,

And I still hold your hand in mine
In mine when I'm asleep
And I will bear my soul in time
When I'm kneeling at your feet

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

I'm so hollow, baby
I'm so hollow
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow
I'm so hollow, baby
I'm so hollow
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Chuck was breathing heavily as the song neared its' conclusion, he didn't feel hollow right now, he felt full of an emotion he refused to label. How could he feel this way without any memories to guide him? It wasn't possible, was it? Could she really have this hold on him when he didn't even remember lov- caring about her? Chuck would have remained lost in thought if Blair's voice hadn't brought him back to reality. "This song applies more to me right now than it does to you. I need you Chuck, I need you to remember." He heard her voice break and winced in pain. It was as though his heart was being torn in two.

It surprised him that she didn't say more and that it was once more his own voice talking. "This song isn't one you probably know, it's on here because it's the truth. I've done some stupid things in our relationship Blair and I'm sorry. Know that this is all true and that this song is my promise to you." There were big promises made in the chorus of this song I'd come for you, no one but you, yes I'd come for you but only if you told me to. And I'd fight for you, I'd lie it's true, give my life for you, you know I'd always come for you. And there were words with an even grander meaning in the verses. I finally know just what it means to let someone in, to see the side of me that no one does or ever will. Letting someone in was a big deal to him, a really big deal because he'd never done that before. One more set of lines seemed to worm their way into his brain before the song finished, If you're ever lost and find yourself all alone, I'd search forever just to bring you home. Here and now this I vow. He had the distinct feeling that it was Blair who had ended up honoring this last promise instead of him as she was the one who had to track him down instead of the other way around. Eventually Chuck heard the words of the Nickelback song fade into his own voice again. "Blair, there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you so I need you to remember that. Remember that no matter what happens as long as you call me, I'll be there, I promise. I wanted you to have this, to be able to listen to it, whenever you want, so that you will never forget that I love you, always have, always will."

The first thought that came to mind was that he'd broken his promise to her. She had come to him and asked him to be there for her and he hadn't; but he hadn't even known about the promise so did he really break it? But now he did know about the promise and Chuck Bass always kept his word. But where did that leave him? One thing was for certain, he needed to get his memory back. The Chuck Bass that made this playlist seemed to know exactly how to handle the kind of emotions he was feeling, he on the other hand did not. Looking around the room he was surprised to discover that it was once more night. He needed to figure out what he was going to do next, what his next step was, as well as listen to the remainder of the playlist; which it appeared was going to have to wait until tomorrow.

A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed, songlist is as always included. Thanks for reading!

Reviews are always appreciated!

XOXO
kate

Confessions: Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse
So Wrong, So Fast: Goodbye - Secondhand Serenade
I Could Never Hate You: Hate Me - Blue October
Revenge: Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off - PANIC! At the Disco
The Truth: Fall For You - Secondhand Serenade
Loving You: All Around You - Flyleaf
Still Learning: Halo - Bethany Joy Galeotti
You Are Beautiful: Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin
Singing in the Shower: Love Story - Taylor Swift
Getting Caught :) :Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something
And She Sings: Breathless - The Corrs
Time Passed Too Fast: Over My Head - The Fray
Always Remember: I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan
The Wedding Singer: I Don't Want to Miss A Thing - Areosmith
Sing With Me: When the Stars Go Blue - Bethany Joy Galeotti and Tyler Hilton
Part of Me: Always Be My Baby - David Cook
Just Us: You and Me - Lifehouse
You Have Been the One: Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt
My Promise: I'd Come For You - Nickelback