Part 4: I Feel Pretty
They walked along the animal track, each one behind the other. Gimli smiled. He was behind Legolas' behind. And ... what a fine behind it was. He chuckled in his dwarfish way, you know ... that sort of demented google-eyed thing that they have that makes you want to go and brush your teeth? That way.
Legolas walked behind Frodo, noting that the little guy had a pretty nice kiester. Of course, that was sort of like pedophilia and so he put it out of his mind, concentrating instead on the fine booty of his baby, the redoubtable Aragorn, no doubt.
Visions of getting it in the butt, hunched over on his hands and knees filled his mind and he considered where he was going to register. There was no Bloomingdales and Tiffany's was just a gleam in someone's eyes. He thought and thought, no small task for someone so pretty who didn't care for wrinkles and settled on raiding his mom's jewelry box when she wasn't looking. With a smile and skip in his step, he continued on his way.
Aragorn, son of Arathorn, brought up the rear, affording him fine views of everyone's behind. He considered Boromir to be on his to-do list, that is, after he had done Legolas a few more times. He thought back to their leaving and dark thoughts once more entered his mind ...
Elves had gathered, including Lord Elrond, master of all they stood around in. He had pulled Legolas to one side and they had disappeared into a nearby alcove. For a moment, it was silent and then a loud slap could be heard. Aragorn drew his sword, guessing that orcs had somehow infiltrated the ironclad security of Imladris and slapped the face of its lord. Or something.
Legolas stepped out, mildly indignant and walked back to the jackass that would carry most of their load. Sam smiled at him as Legolas joined him.
Elrond stepped out of the shadows, a perfect hand imprint on his face. He glared at Aragorn and stalked past him, waving them to go post haste.
They did.
For a while, it was silent on the trail and then Aragorn pulled Legolas to his side as they walked along. He got dagger stares from Gimli, Boromir, and Pippin.
"What was that all about with Lefty?"
Legolas humphed. "He tried to put his hand in my pants."
Aragorn drew his sword. "He did?"
"Yeah," Legolas snitted. "But don't worry, sugar ... I slapped his face."
"You *did*?"
"Sure. My heart belongs to you." Legolas shot him a loving look. Four fellows of their little clique made mental plans to assassinate the pretender king of Gondor. "I only put out for you, baby."
With that, he flounced back in line. Aragorn watched him go, noting his ass looked as fine in the daylight as it did in the dark, and he sighed.
/... next thing you know, he'll be registering with some big department store ... if they existed ... I'm screwed .../
Aragorn gritted his teeth and they moved on.
**********Darkness on the trail ...
They found sleeping spots in the shadows around the fire. Everyone turned in and it was dark, Boromir drawing the short straw for watch. He stood in the dark, cursing his luck and watching for bad guys when he heard footsteps in the camp. He instantly became on guard and listened.
STEP! STEP! STEP!
"... psst!... Legolas ... this is your sugar daddy
..."
"... zzzz ... Aragorn?"
Pause.
"... hell no! ... think smaller ..."
"Frodo! Come on in!"
Pause.
"You bastard."
"Who are you?"
"It's me, your one true love."
"Haldir? Are you here? I thought you were shagging Celeborn behind Galadrial's back."
"He is?"
"You are. Is that you, Haldir? How did you get here? Come into my mummy bag, you wench. Do me."
Pause. Huge dwarvish grin.
"Sure."
Sound of body entering sleeping bag. Lots of rustling around as they begin to shag. Pause.
"How come you're so hairy?"
"Hormone problem."
Shagging sounds. Pause.
"How come you're so short?"
"Had an accident."
Shagging sounds. Pause.
"How come you don't have a dick?"
Pause.
"You aren't Haldir. You aren't Aragorn. You aren't a man. Who are you?"
(Sounds of body slipping out of a sleeping bag and scurrying away.) Tall blond babe sits up and squints into darkness with incredible sight even dogs can't duplicate.
"Who was that short, hairy bastard?"
Legolas lay back down and sighed. Boromir watched and listened, sighing. Nearby, sighing himself, Aragorn watched with semi-attached lucidity. He lifted his blanket and looked down, meeting the gaze of big blue eyes. Sighing, he lowered the blanket and settled back, a big grin on his face.
/... yes siree ... they *are* the right height .../
**********The next morning ...
Everyone got ready but no one could meet the others eyes. Except Frodo, who followed Aragorn around like a puppy dog. Sam, sprouting jealousy the way potatoes sprout eyes, made a mental note to kill him. Aragorn, that is.
They began to move on, Gandalf limping along at the front. He was slow of course and they all knew they would be a lot older by the time they reached Mordor but they didn't care. They had Legolas.
Boromir sighed and looked at the glinting blond hair of his newest obsession. He patted his horn, considering his usual pickup line that never failed...
/... so, baby ... wanna blow me ... my horn that is ... heh-heh-heh .../
Few failed to take up his offer. Some even showed musical aptitude. This ditzy blond bombshell would be no exception, he confidently considered. He would see tonight what sort of embouchure this baby had. Given his etherealness and the constant state of arousal the entire troop appeared to be in because of him, Boromir was sure Legolas could crack walnuts with his tongue.
They moved on and the sky remained clear as they walked ever closer to doom. The mountain that is.
**********Miscellaneous thoughts on the trail ...
/... god, my feet hurt .../ -Gandalf.
/... they don't know about elevensies, they don't know about elevensies ... they don't .../ -Pippin.
/... I'm in love ... I'm in love with a really tall guy ... I wonder what my Dad would think if I told him ... he'd turn Aragorn into a toad again ... I better not tell him ... we'll elope ... we'll run away and make a life together ... he can be king of something and I'll be his queen ... I'll have a sex change and have his babies ... they'll be tall like him and sort of girlie pretty like me ... I'll be his slave and cook and clean and do him under the table at Thanksgiving ... I am the right height ... I'll even give up my incestuous relationship with Pippin ... of course, I'll have to kill Sam ... oh well ... who said the course of true love ever ran smoothly? .../ -Frodo.
/... I will build a new treasury to hold his dowry. My father won't like it at first but he'll get over it. It will be handy having a tall person around. He can get the stuff off the top shelf .../ -Gimli.
/... my feet hurt .../ -Bill the Pony.
/... I wonder where Frodo went last night? ... I didn't see him for a while ... he came back though with a big grin ... he mustn't be constipated any longer ... good for you, Mr. Frodo! ... I wish I could shag him. That might help the constipation ... SIGH! ... I sure do fancy him ... too bad I'm not in his social class ... I'm going to have to kill my old man for not being rich .../ -Sam.
/... I don't know who I would do first, there are so many good looking men here... Frodo is hot ... I wonder if Aragorn is doing him ... Gandalf would kill him ... if he is, I will too ... I am the next king of Gondor ... if he's doing Frodo, he's doing what is mine ... even if he isn't ... my head hurts ... greed is a terrible business ... I want Legolas, Frodo, Aragorn, Gandalf, Pippin, Merry, Pippin again, Legolas upside down in a tree, Aragorn on his knees begging for it, Haldir if he was here, my brother if I'm drunk enough ... hell, if I'm drunk enough, I'll even have Bill the Pony .../ -Boromir.
"Behold! Caradhas!"
"Crap, Gandalf ... do we have to go over that?" - Gimli. "What about the friggin' mines of Moria?"
"I don't want to be cold. My feet will get cold, Dad." -hobbit/maiar hybrids, whining.
"Do you think its wise? I mean, there isn't a hair dresser for miles." -Legolas.
"Wherever you want to go, Gandalf, I'll go but I'll bitch and whine the whole way and when we turn back, I'll say I told you so."
/... my feet hurt .../ -Bill the Pony.
"I'll go and I won't whine. Much. I think the way should be near to Isengard so that Saruman can see us and really kick our butts but don't listen to me. *NOOOOOOOO*! I'm only the son of the Steward King of Gondor." shoots devil rays at Aragorn
"Bite me, Boromir." -Aragorn.
Suddenly time stands still and the clouds open, light beams striking the two of them. They come together and suck face with such intensity that neither have crows feet ever again. Then they step back, chests heaving.
They are in love.
The dynamic of the whole thing is changed.
Again.
Elbereth is rolling on the floor laughing.
Tbc c2010