Part 6: Handsome is as Handsome Does ***************************

They had arrived at the slope that would take them to the top of the mountain and down the other side again. It was one slippery slope and the men took turns acting as slide breaks for falling hobbits.

Frodo in particular made a point of slipping and falling, sighing with pleasure as Aragorn caught him on the way back down. Of course, Aragorn had no idea he was being manipulated by a little man head over heels in love. He just knew that they needed the hobbit to do all the really terrible stuff. If Frodo didn't take the Ring, someone else in the group would have to take it, get beaten, end up naked with Sam and generally lose a finger at some point.

Aragorn decided at the outset that it wouldn't be him. He had to contemplate eventually lying down and dying before his time. *That* was bad enough. There was only so much nobility in his rapidly thinning bloodline.

"Thanks, Aragorn, for saving me. Again."

Frodo smiled and looked up, sighing with HUGE deep and abiding affection at the ruggedly handsome but slightly ripe smelling object of his deep and abiding fantasies. As he did, he realized his Ring was gone and he turned, watching as Boromir picked it up, staring at it as his eyes twirled in circles.

"Whoa!" he said, his Gondorian accent rather endearing. That it sounded like something from the midlands of England, one of those 0y-boy sorts of football hooligan 'gimme a beer, mate', bloke sort of voices, was a coincidence. Maybe. "Well, wouldya looka this?"

Frodo felt his face crumple in that 'damn, I'm so cute, do me now" expressions that make pre-teen girls hearts go flutter. He felt tears come to his eyes as he contemplated losing the only thing that really was his. After all, he grew up four to the bed in a little hobbit hole where he lived with his mother, Bilbo.

Dad never gave him anything of his own. He was too busy circuit riding and preaching the gospel. HE had to stay home and hoe potatoes. HE had to stay home and help his mother raise the younger ones, Merry, Pippin and Ferdie, the one they kept locked up in root cellar.

HE never got to have anything of his own.

HE never got to sleep alone. Until now. Sometimes. *And* the sex was consensual. Finally.

HE wanted THE DAMNED RING BACK! NOW! RIGHT NOW!

"Sniffle. He has my Ring," Frodo said, to the accompaniment of a chorus of 'ahhhhhhhs' from all present.

"Boromir!" Aragorn said, suddenly filled with fatherly concern for the little kid he carried on his shoulders for fifty miles and ten orgasms. "Give Frodo the Ring!"

Boromir glared at him, suddenly influenced for evil. "OR WHAT!"

"I'll cut off your nuts."

Boromir gave Frodo back the Ring.

Everyone went, 'whew' and they began again.

/... what a bitch ... just for that, *I'm* on top tonight .../ -Boromir.

/... Wow! Aragorn is like *so* strong! ... I must do him tonight!.../ -Frodo.

/... Aragorn must die! Aragorn must die! AragornMustDie!.../ - Sam.

/... Snivel ... why won't he do *me*? ... I must make him jealous ... let me see ... how do you say 'nice tits' in Dwarvish? .../ -Legolas, still the prettiest ...

/... I must get these kids home and into Harvard... their mother will kill me ... god, I have such an *ugly* wife ... Sigh! .../ -Gandalf.

They continued on and by the time they decided to turn back from Caradhas, Aragorn had ragged Gandalf half to death.

"Didn't I tell you so? I told you back when. I would go with you but I would bitch and then when we left, I would tell you so-"

For a moment he stood and then there was a crack of thunder. Where Aragorn once stood, a donkey was now. Sam grinned and threw his load onto the donkey's back.

"Thanks, Gandalf," he said, jerking on the halter that was around Aragorn's suddenly jackassy face.

"Don't mention it," Gandalf said, sighing as he turned to lead them back.

"Gandalf! You can't leave him that way! What about my love life? How will I ever clear up the acne on my butt?" Legolas asked, prancing after their leader.

/... I'll show you how, you winsome little wench-ling you .../ -Gimli.

/... eeeeeuuuuwwwwwwwwww .../ -hobbit/maiar boy-lets.

/... sigh ... only on your ass? .../ -Boromir.

/... I WILL KILL YOU, YOU FUCKERS! .../ -Aragorn, braying his discontent to the gods. Who were too busy laughing to care. Much.

**********Outside the door of Moria...

Narrative interlude: Note that we are not moving through time in a strictly linear way. We have left out a lot of stuff which I will now list for your edification:

1. Aragorn being turned from a donkey back into a jackass.

2. Sam's smoldering dislike of number one.

3. Legolas discussing the merits of aloe vera with Gimli, their first REAL conversation during the whole trip.

4. Boromir pulling Aragorn out of a MAJOR sulk by being a bottom. AGAIN.

5. Merry and Pippin eating everything they see and needing their stomachs pumped.

6. Sam jumping on Merry and Pippin when they realize they don't have a stomach pump.

7. Bill the Pony pooping on Boromir's shoes, thus weighing in on whom he wants to see die in the segment after the Argonaths.

8. Boromir kicking Bill the Pony in the ass for pooping on his boots and getting his foot stuck.

9. Aragorn being turned back into a donkey when Bill goes on strike after losing a game of Scissors, Paper and Rock with Gandalf.

10. Sam's huge hilarity at watching Aragorn be a jackass donkey again.

11. Sam removing a donkey foot from his rectum.

There is more but those are the highlights. Now on to Moria...

"Open, you bitch!"

"Gandalf, I don't think that's the right password," Gimli replied, braiding his nose hairs in a pathetic attempt to win Legolas' favor.

Gandalf sighed and eyed Gimli closely. "Gimli, are you carrying things in your tunic or are you pregnant?"

Gimli swallowed hard and grumbled. "What an insult."

"Sorry. I just can't get this open."

Frodo came over and shook his head, considering how many more good days he had before his old man became completely senile.

"It's easy, you old gas bag. Say, 'friend' and enter."

"Really? *You* say it then, you little waste of sperm!" Gandalf replied, nearly biting his oldest and most impossibly sexy son.

"Okay," Frodo replied with a grin.

"FFFFFRRRRIIEEEENNDDD!"

The damned door opened so fast, it squashed Bill the Pony. Everyone mourned a second or two, especially Aragorn. That meant he was the lone jackass in the group.

"Let's go. There's something in the pon-" Frodo screamed and was hauled off, flying around like a UFO on speed.

The others shot, stabbed and generally had a great time before they staggered into the place and the door closed. For a moment it was really dark and then Gandalf said, "Not to worry. I'll supply light."

He fiddled with his staff and nothing happened. So he grabbed his walking stick and lit up the place.

/... damn... I'm going to have to get some viagra... the old ball-and-chain was right .../ Gandalf considered as they looked around.

Dead things were everywhere. Boromir began to sob, New Age Old Age man that he was and Legolas looked grim, but great. Aragorn prepared for battle right away. You could say he took the bit in his mouth. SNICKER! The hobbits climbed into Gandalf's pockets and Gimli stood poised, doing Scotsman impressions.

"HOOTS, MON! THERE BE HAGGIS HERE!" he cried, drawing up his ax.

Then the orcs came.

Tbc c2010