If he attacked me, no one would be able to save me.
With that thought, I sat down on the floor with a thump as my knees gave out. The Jacob-wolf flinched, but didn't move otherwise. I knew that whatever I could do was done. It was up to him to breach the space between us, and if he'd wanted me dead I knew now I would have been. I couldn't force him to touch me, to look at me, to speak again in that horrible rasp…"Jake…I'm so sorry," I said. The words bubbled out at the same time my tears began to flow. I knew I had suffered. But the wounds I had caused were suddenly much plainer to see, and my shame was nothing compared to their depth. I couldn't believe that this monster had once been the bright, shining boy that had saved my life. I couldn't believe that this was what I had given him in return.
For a long moment we stayed that way, opposite each other on the floor. Eventually, the way a beaten dog will sniff an outstretched hand from a kind stranger given just enough time, Jake made his way over to me. His movements were awkward, as he was clearly not comfortable standing up, and his body moved strangely in human form. He shuffled around me, sniffing the air between us, spending as much time as it took him to begin moving to make his way close enough to touch me. I held my breath as his approach grew near.
And nearer.
He was directly in front of me, his face inches from mine.
And that was when I could see him—underneath the filth lining his skin, through the part in his once fine hair. His beautiful eyes stared out, utterly human. "Jacob," I gasped, "Jacob it's…it's so nice to see you." He blinked.
"Vampire." The word was slurred, but easily understood.
"Gone, I sent him away," I reassured him. I desperately wanted to reach out and smooth the hair away from his eyes, so I could see more of him there. I clung to his bright eyes, hungry for every flicker. They roamed the room constantly, and once more Jacob cocked his head as though listening to something far away before he replied.
"I…I know." I realized he was smiling. Not the one that was as bright as dawn, not the one that taught me how to smile again, but a smile none-the-less. Jacob had watched me send away Edward, and that was what made him come out of the woods. He finally sat down cross-legged in front of me, briefly looked down, and then moved his hands to cover himself before laughing a little. "Sorry."
"Don't worry about it," I said. I knew I was blushing, but I was trying to take the turn of events in stride. "My eyes are glued to your face, Jake. I didn't even know how much I missed your face."
"I knew," he said, and laughed again. It was a grating, wheezy sound, different than the loud, hard noise from before, as though his vocal cords couldn't handle the sharp blast of air his real laugh would take.
But it was still the same old Jake. After so much time…he was there, underneath it all. I couldn't help but tease him a little, I was trying so hard not to say the wrong thing. "So you couldn't be bothered to shower up or anything, maybe bring a pair of shorts, if you knew I missed you so bad?" I wanted to touch him. I wanted to wash him, pull the tiny burrs out of the smooth skin over his ribs, undo the knots locking his hair into mats. But I wasn't sure how long he could handle being inside a room, let alone get a scrubbing. Please let me touch you. That would definitely be the wrong thing to say.
His brow lowered for just a fraction of a second, and then he leaned in towards me with such sudden swiftness that I jumped backward, knocking my head against the door. "Why?" He rasped. A very familiar, very wicked grin was on his lips. It looked sinister peeking out from between the long sheets of matted black hair covering his face.
He was still angry with me. Even if he didn't know it.
I did the only thing I could. I reached out and moved his hair out of the way.
As soon as I touched him, he closed his eyes, all of his muscles tensing and the look on his face rapidly changing to utter stillness. He looked like he was listening to some illegible whisper my human ears couldn't hear, but I knew it was silent everywhere but in his head. I didn't allow myself to touch his skin. I simply moved the long bulk of his hair back over his shoulders, revealing his deep, black brow, the stoop of his shoulders, the calluses and scars on his stomach and limbs. I called his bluff, and he didn't care.
"Why do you think?" My voice cracked, my exhaustion beginning to show. I dropped my hands back in my lap and shifted myself to a slightly more comfortable position than the one I'd fallen in. Jake opened his eyes and looked down at me. His hair was so long that the movement didn't pull the curtain back over his shoulders, and we looked at each other for a long while. "I just wanted to make a joke," I said. His head moved to the side again. "But really, I just look at you and…I want to take care of you."
I wasn't expecting him to laugh again, but he did, and this time there was a bitterness to it that carried the deep rumbles of a growl. He bobbed his head down towards me, and his eyes watched me in a predatory way. "You can't." He pulled his head down lower and looked more deeply into my eyes, the strange angle of his head making it seem like he was about to strike. "You never learned how." Jake had finished crying a long time ago, and his stance remained when my tears began again.
"So what, Jake?" I moved my head forward suddenly, and his retracted. "I thought a shower would be a good place to start, but if you want anything else—a kidney, any remaining dignity I might have, anything—you let me know. You tell me how, and I will." His expression was as blank as when I first entered the room. "I can give you anything, if you tell me what it would take to make you—"
"Shower?" He was smiling again. That's my Jake.
I sniffled and laughed at the same time, my face a mess of fluids. Whispering in such a forceful way had hurt my throat, but the laugh felt good. "That's not actually where I was going with this," I mumbled. "But it wouldn't hurt." I wanted to reach out and straighten his head so he wasn't looking at me like a wolf, but I didn't dare. My boldness had peaked.
"Then where?" He wasn't smiling any more.
I took a deep breath. "Human," I said, and inhaled again. "I would do anything if you could tell me what you needed to make to you human again." We stared at each other.
"I am human," he said simply. It sounded so final that I half expected him to stand up and leap out of the open window, but instead he stayed perfectly still and watched me. "When I want to be."
"Wow," I said. I knew I was pushing my luck, but I did it anyway. "Five whole words." I could only laugh once I saw him grinning too. He looked serious again, and I felt the smile die on my face.
"It hurts to be human." It hurt to hear the words spoken. It hurt to see the grief etched on his face. Everything hurt, when he spoke in that awful voice. We were quiet again for a minute, then he leaned forward with another smile and said, "Five again."
"Six syllables, even." We chuckled, and then I began—very, very slowly—to stand up. "I'm going to sit on the bed, the floor is killing me." He watched me move towards the light, and a low rumble issued from his throat. "Relax, Jake, I'm not going to do anything that could get Charlie worked up. Just let me…" I fiddled with the switch, making it slightly brighter, "get this thing at a level that works for both of us. I know you've got built-in night vision, but I don't." He watched me walking, and then jumped to his feet and fled to the window like lightning. I found myself rushing after him before I could stop myself. "Jake!"
He hung his head out of the window and howled and I immediately halted and backed up before he could turn around. I sat down on the bed, feeling foolish. When he turned around he padded silently over to me and sat on the floor facing me once again. "They were worrying about us."
"They were worried you were going to eat me, you mean."
He grinned. "Maybe." His head was almost equal in height to mine, even though he was sitting on the floor. His body was neatly folded up, his legs wrapped and tucked in to each other, but in the brighter light it was harder to ignore his nudity. It hadn't seemed to occur to him.
"Don't think I didn't notice you used a three syllable word, I totally did." I lay down on the bed lengthwise and he mimicked me on the floor. Our heads were about two feet from one another, my face tilted towards him. "I also notice that you have yet to eat me."
"I don't want to eat you, Bella." I didn't bother with another joke. His tone was so sad I didn't know what to do. "But it is easier for me…to be a wolf." Each of his words had a soft, unused sound to it.
"Do you talk to
Billy when you come in…from the woods?"
"I even shower for
him." We laughed, watching each other.
"I notice you don't cut your nails for anybody." I raised my eyebrows.
"Short nails are no good. For fighting." His nose was wriggling, and I knew he was paying attention to his friends outside again.
"Who is out there?" I wondered if Leah had gone home in disgust. In her place, I probably would have. She'd been right; I had immediately inspired yet another run in with the Cullens and a massive, full-time vampire tracking mission. I sighed.
"The pack. Not everyone…." His voice trailed off. I thought back to earlier, when I hadn't known it was Jake in the trees.
"What happened, when there was all the howling and wolfing going on outside of my yard?" I saw on his face that I shouldn't have asked.