Part 8: Hey! Hey! Good Lookin'!
PSS::::: EDITORIAL NOTE: THIS INDICATES ELVISH SPEECH:
{{{Buncha words and punctuation.}}}
They rolled around on the ground for a while pretending to be sad. Legolas staggered around, looking delightfully rumpled. Sexual deprivation in Elf males does that to one. -Kinsey Enorian Lothlorien, Sexologist and self abuser in the name of science ... cough ...
"Legolas! Get them up!"
"I only *got* one!"
"Not *that*! The little ones!"
/... sniffle! ... *size queen*! .../ -Legolas
"But Aragorn ... *let* *them* *grieve*! It *was* their *dad*!" Boromir said, ruffled and grieving himself because he had come late to life on a fetish he would never, ever indulge now ... doing hairy-faced old guys with big staffs ... stah-ves ... you know ... big wood ... SNICKER! ... Sorry ...
"No, Boromir! /... darling .../ By nightfall these hills will be *crawling* with orcs! We have to make it to Lothlorien!"
"Not the woods of the Witch!" Gimli said, barely getting his gut off the ground. "She will turn us into turnips!"
"You look like one already, Gimli," Legolas said smugly, *more* than aware that his own svelte figure reflected the 2,000 stomach crunches he did every morning.
"OOOOooooOOOOOooooOOOOO ..." -Gimli, coming down with red face.
They staggered to their feet as Aragorn turned around, searching for Frodo. He paused, calling out:
"!"
A mere two feet away, Frodo looked up from his bong and sighed. "*WHAT*!"
"We have to go. Wipe away your tears and put that pipe away."
"Whatever." /... darling ... rroowwwlll .../ Frodo stowed his gear and they continued on, their little hobbit legs barely a match for the men and elf that led the way. Gimli hefted along, barely able to keep up himself. But then, he was hefting two.
/... huff-puff ... damn! ... huff-puff ... damn!.../
They made the edge of the woods by lunchtime, or was it elevensies? Or supper ... or dinner ... or snackies after sexies? ...
Anyhoo ...
They made it to the Lorien woods and entered a path, walking along the way, relieved to be out of the open. It would have been faster but they had to pry Legolas off of every tree they passed. And ... there was Gimli crabbing about elves, even though secretly he craved them like heroin. Then there was Aragorn worrying about whether being the Head Cheese would give him crows feet. And then there was the hobbits wondering if they would be course one on the big table tonight from all the tales they had heard about the Witch of the Lorien Woods. Pippin didn't mind. He could finally use that big carrot if he was.
"I can walk on water and not leave footprints. The day an elf can catch me flat footed is the da-"
An arrow went up Gimli's nose, hoisting him two feet off the ground. Yes, he was almost normal height there for a moment or two...
A snarky-looking but really *hot* elf appeared, his lip curled up Elvis-style as he swaggered down into view, coming out of the foliage where he had blended so well. Around him, standing tall and completely sexlessly, several androgynous-looking but utterly platinum elves held their arrows out. Pointedly.
Sorry.
PLEASE READ THE TWO SENTENCES BELOW FOR GODSAKES! OR ELBERETH! OR MANWE! OR ... OR ... A BUNCHA PEOPLE WHO REQUIRE THOSE DAMNED LITTLE DOTS OVER THEIR NAMES THAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO PUT THERE!
THOSE GUYS!
Enter Elvish speech denoted by this ... {{{...}}} (For those wankers who never read the notes ...)
{{{"So ... this dwarf thinks he can sneak up on us on our *own* turf does he? This fat little dwarf that looks five months pregnant? This dwarf that is going to spawn in the sacred sanctuary of my Fath- ... my Lord Celeborn's woods? This hairy-nosed, sawed off, sexually ambiguous, blaspheming, godless, tiny, *little* *TWIT*!"}}}
{{{"Yes,"}}} Aragorn said, in Elvish. {{{"That one."}}}
{{{"Oh,"}}} Haldir said, turning to the hot human that obviously was the new Head Cheese. {{{"So, what brings you here today, Ara honey?"}}}
{{{"We need help."}}}
{{{"That much is obvious,"}}} Haldir replied with a sniff as he checked out the talent. The tall human with Aragorn had potential but the others ... the dwarf could clean culverts with his gut, the hobbits ... they would make nice table ornaments for the twisted Lady Galadriel. Aragorn? He would pay for his insolence. drool The nancing elf boy? They had *enough of those, thank you very much* already.
{{{"Come on."}}}
They turned and followed him into the woods where he blended in immediately, which caused the rest of them to get lost around every turn and find themselves two days late getting to where they were going, which was the hidden and slightly kinky looking world of Galadriel and Celeborn. (tm)
They paused, gathered together. A bright light appeared and then the Lord and Lady of the Wood. Aragorn stared at Galadriel, considering her highly doable, even if she was older than Lucifer and twice as twisted. She was his girlfriend's granny and boy howdy ... was she ever hot. Amazing stuff, L'Oreal...
{{{"Nine walkers there be setting out from Rivendell but only eight appear here. I hear the pony bit it too. Too bad. I wanted to shoot the shit with Gandalf."}}}
"What is he saying?" -Merry
"He's saying he wants to do you over a divan." - Legolas, lying and projecting at the same time.
"Swallow!" -Merry
{{{"You are weary with sorrow," Galadriel began, all the while giving the eye to various men and half men in the group. "You must rest and eat great heaps of cholesterol, making sure that if the orcs don't get you, heart disease does. If you die before you leave our great and enchanted but slightly twisted woods, I will make sure you get a Viking funeral, if I knew what Vikings were. I would light a candle to your memory each year on St. Vitas' Day, when temporary insanity overcomes us and we do it like bunnies with every one we can find. I will personally keep several of you in my heart even as I keep you in my pants for the duration of your stay. Any questions?"}}}
"Swallow!" -bilingual members of the group.
"What did she say?" -Merry
"You're first." -Legolas
**********Later on ...
"What are you sniveling about, Boromir?" Aragorn asked passing by.
"I think I'm going to buy it in the next reel!" /huge sniveling sound/ "I will never go out and hunt little furry animals again, killing them with my big sword and smearing their blood on the cheeks of innocent little children."
"You do *that*?" Aragorn asked, appalled.
"Yeah. I don't give a fig what Oscar Wilde says, the poof!" Boromir said, his best midlands soccer hooligan accent in place.*
*{Literary digression: Oscar Wilde on his views of fox hunting: "The unspeakable in hot pursuit of the uneatable."}
Sigh! I love Oscar Wilde ... but I digress ...
"So, tell me. Unburden yourself. Share your load. A burden shared is a burden halved."
"Aragorn?"
"Yes?" /... darling .../
"Do me and shut the hell up. *I'm* the reconstructed, fully actualized New Age/Old Age man here!"
"Gotcha boss."
Cut from mad humping against a mallorn tree to a secluded alcove nearby ...
"And I got *this* scar when an orc tried to impale me on his tiny little -" -Haldir
"SQUEAL!" -Merry, just before he loses his second-hand virginity to an elf.
Ten minutes later...
"And I got *this* scar when an orc tried to impale me on his tiny little -" -Haldir
"Squeal!" -Pippin, just before he loses his slightly soiled virginity to an elf.
Twenty minutes later ...
"And I got *this* scar when an orc tried to impale me on his tiny little -" -Haldir
"Squeal!" -Sam, just before he loses the virginity he can't *give* away to an elf. "AN ELF, MR. FRODO!"
Thirty minutes later ...
"And I got *this* scar when an orc tried to impale me on his tiny little -" -Frodo
"GIVE ME A MINUTE! I JUST BONKED THREE OF YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? INHUMAN?" –
Haldir, trying to straighten a few bent things.
Meanwhile ...
"There, there, Boromir. Do you want to nurse? It makes Legolas feel a *whole lot better*," Aragorn said, smiling his best daddy/mommy smile.
"There you go," Boromir sobbed. "Throwing *his* name into this delicate moment when I'm trying to make my character more sympathetic so people will cry when I'm impaled by that wanker, Lurtz."
"Let me rephrase that then, honey," Aragorn soothed. "Do you want to nurse? It makes *me* feel *a whole lot better*."
"Don't mind if I do..."
***SUCK***!
"!!"
Ten minutes later...
After sex and aperitifs, they all retired to their various bean bags on the ground and began to snore. But for Merry. He had a 'counseling' session with Celeborn for later.
Heh-heh-heh ... counseling session ... SNERK! ...
Frodo, feeling restless and needing more 'counseling' of his own, watched Galadriel sweep by, all swan-like and totally weird.
/... hmmm ... I think I'll follow her. What could be the harm of that? Maybe she'll let me look up her dress.../
He got up and snuck out, following the golden lady into the darkness.
The fool.
Tbc c2010