Part 9: Whoo Hoo, Baby! ****************************
"What will I see?" Frodo asked suspiciously.
"He asked it. The little guy, Mr. Everyman in the great confused world ...
"A very simple question, you can see. And one yet loaded with meanings, I dare say, subtle shadings of meanings, half meanings, double truths, words whispered in dark corners of the mind, things best left untouch-"
!***BONG***!
Elbereth looked at the prone figure of her slightly dented husband. She sighed, regretting the day he got hooked on pond vision and meddled in her meddling. She sighed and put the skillet back in her girdle, hedging it against further use later.
She moved back to her pool and stared down again, noting with huge satisfaction that she didn't look a day over ten trillion. Brushing back some really nice but really old hair, she began to meddle once more. As she did, her teenaged daughters entered the room.
"MOM! WILL YOU TELL ATHENA TO STAY OUT OF MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK, FOR ILUVATAR AND ZEUS' SAKE!"
A sexy minx with a huge resemblance to her mother smiled, her dazzling dimples nearly exploding her face.
"MAMA! TELL VENUS TO STUFF IT! AND WHO IS ZEUS!"
Elbereth sighed and shook her head. "I hate teenagers. I should have just said no, but NOOooooOOOOOooooo ... I just *had* to get laid. Now look at what I have to put up with. Girls out there? Keep it in your pants."
"Mom, you are *not* on the Osbournes."
"Oh. Okay. LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE! Any questions?"
"Yeah," Venus said, vamping up to the pool. "Can I have the little guy with the hairy feet?"
"Which one?" Elbereth asked, strangely satisfied with this twist in her daughter's taste in men.
"All of them."
Elbereth sighed and clutched her throat.
*****Lothlorien ...
A slim woman stood by her *own* little faux pond, staring at a man-child creature thing with big hairy feet. She was more than just a little turned on.
"This can show things that were, things that are and things not yet come to pah-st."
"Pah-st?" Frodo asked. "That isn't the name of a beer is it?"
"Pabst, you little twit!"
They both looked up, startled by the disembodied voice.
"SHUT UP!" Venus said, shoving her sister aside. They both stared into the basin. "You almost gave yourself away. REALLY! If I didn't know better, I would *swear* you're a Lesbian."
/... little do you know, hot pants ... rrrowlll .../ Athena sighed and moved closer to her sister.
"What was that?" Frodo asked, searching for signs of Mordor everywhere.
"Nothing," Galadriel squeaked, making a mental note to bitch slap her lover, Athena, at a later date. Ah, the burdens of a bisexual in the modern ancient world ...
"So ... let me get this. I'm suppose to look in there and see things, fall on my butt and give you the Ring."
"Yes."
"No," Frodo said, getting all intense and stubborn, the look his father always liked best when he was drunk and horny. His father, that is.
"Yes."
"Okay," Frodo said, peering inside. He was shocked at what he saw.
NARRATOR: This is an adult story but there are some things that we need to have consensus on. Raise your hand if you want to know what he saw.
Pause.
Okay. Raise your hand if you don't.
Pause.
Okay. You have it. We won't tell you. Cut to Helms Deep- ... what is that, Swindon? There's a riot in heaven? Take it away, camera three!
HUGE RAUCOUS NOISY RIOTING AND BURNING OF STUFF. CUT TO ELBERETH TAKING A HAIR BRUSH TO HER DAUGHTERS' BUTTS. CUT TO MANWE TRYING TO COME TO AND GETTING KNOCKED OUT AGAIN WHEN TWO TEENAGED GIRLS, A GRAY HOUND, A KOMODO DRAGON AND AN ENRAGED GODDESS WITH A HAIR BRUSH RUN OVER HIM IN THEIR HASTE TO CONNECT.
Ah, the love of mothers and daughters ... cough ...
**********Narrator's Union grievance hearing ...
Hearing Officer: "THEN YOU CUT FROM A VERY TENSE MOMENT OF EXPOSITORY TO WHAT? RIOTING?"
Narrator: "Yep."
HO: "YOU ARE A TWIT!"
N: "DON'T CALL ME A TWIT, HO!"
HUGE ENORMOUS GIGANTIC BLAST OF THUNDER, FOLLOWED BY HAIL AND BRIMSTONE AND LIGHTNING...
"NOW HEAR THIS! THIS IS ILUVATAR! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! NARRATOR! CUT NOTHING OUT! ELBERETH! STOP HITTING MANWE! MANWE! STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY! ATHENA! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A LESBIAN! VENUS! BE AT MY PLACE AT SEVEN! NAKED! BRING YOUR SISTER! THAT IS ALL!
The universe, paused in its tracks, began spinning again ...
"Okay, what do you want?" Frodo asked, sighing.
"I want love. Lots of it. Mostly standing up against a light post with you under my skirts. 'K?"
Frodo grinned that lovely sexy grin of his that no one could resist.
"Why didn't you say so?"
He ran up and disappeared under the folds of her diaphanous gown. She staggered around until she found a pillar to lean on, singing praises to Elbereth at the top of her lungs.
"OOOH SWEEEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I FOUND ITTTT!"
Every Elf in Lothlorien was pleased. It was someone else and not them. Even Celeborn smiled. When Merry got off his fae.
Mordor, where the wind blows. Where flowers don't grow(s). Mordor, where the shadows are. Mordor, where its so friggin' boring most of the time you wonder why anyone would care one way or the other about that big disembodied eye...
Sauron sniveled. "I haven't been hurt this bad since the last time I had a sty."
/... I'd cry, but I'd drown ... I *hate* my life! ... where the hell did I put the visine? ... if I had hands I would poke myself to death .../
Mordor, where the snivelers lie ...
Saruman paced up and down, worried and torn betwixt and between. Sauron wanted him to make an army. Well! He would. AND! He would be there when each one of them were born, crawling out of the primordial sludge.
AND! He would have an orgasm each time he saw it.
SO THERE! SAURON!
He paused in front of the mirror. "What do you think?" he asked his little orc right hand man. "It doesn't make me look too fat?"
"No, the look is good on you."
"I can't *wait* to portray the mad scientist in the revival of Rocky Horror Show at the Grange!" Saruman said, spinning in his heels and fishnets. "If only Sauron could wait until *next* weekend to take over the world."
"I know, boss," the little orc said with a sigh. "I know." /... world domination's gain is drama's loss .../
***********Lothlorien ...
Legolas stood in the clearing, singing to Elbereth, unaware that there was a riot going on in heaven. He was luminously gorgeous, standing alone and Aragorn, fresh from doing Boromir, decided to do Legolas too ... yes, Legolas ... the other white meat.
He crept up and was spotted before he could come very far. The world fell away and they were alone, lost on a deserted beach, white sand stretching all over the place. They turned and ran toward each other and fell into each other's arms, landing in the warm seawater.
Of course, at that moment a great white came by and ate them both.
Narrator: "I hate teenaged girls. ELBERETH!"
The film rewinds, a shark pukes up two people, the sand turns to forest and they're back at square one. Two immortal god girls have a very sore butt.
"Aragorn. I waited for you."
"Ah, Legolas ... you shouldn't have."
"I really didn't. I had to blow Celeborn but that is a treaty thing between him and my dad. Hope you don't mind."
"No," Aragorn said, nodding sympathetically. "You sometimes have to do hard things for your country. You're a damned patriot, Legolas!"
He blushed prettily and kicked a dirt clod with his toe. "Gorsh. Thanks!"
Then they fell on the ground and began doinking.
**********Nearby...
Boromir sat in a basin of water, soaking his behind. It never failed. Aragorn was a raging top and he was just a sort of top kind of guy. The man topped him on everything, including topping. It wasn't fair. He was doomed to be second best.
He sighed. That settled it. They would have to be married. He would register tomorrow. He would register at Black and Decker. God, there was nothing like a good power tool.
/... snicker .../
**********Nearby...
Merry and Pippin compared hickeys, love bites on the inner thighs and bondage marks around their wrists. Merry won hands down because he was a sexaholic. He smiled. Pippin would never best him. He was merely wayward.
Merry sighed and smiled, a slightly sad and knowing smile, the kind people give you when you don't measure up and they feel really sorry for your sorry butt.
That kind.
/... yes, when it comes to being a slut, you will always be an also ran, Pippin .../
Pippin merely grinned, his demented simpleton brain unaware that he had just been insulted. He was also unaware that doing the entire Palace Guard of Lothlorien was a no-no to normal people. But then one could hardly call Pippin Took-Baggins-Gandalf a normal person. Hobbit. Istari-maiar boy thing. No sir, you couldn't.
One should celebrate that kind of abnormality.
BREAK OUT THE MOET!
C2010 tbc