The Phoenix Child
By Ayesha Raees
Chapter six
Reborn
The feeling was horrible. It felt like that my heart was thrashed out of my chest and it was crushed again and again with vessels still attached to it. It felt like having a heat attack a thousand times over. My lungs were screaming for nothing but air and yet when I tried to breathe in… I realized that air was already stuck in my throat but it refused to go down to my lungs.
I was and felt at a whim.
And then after the constant slashing and for the first time burning, and this time it actually hurt, there was silence. An eerie silence. Like some hidden part of me has been removed from my body and thrown away into oblivion.
But the darkness continued; creating shadows in cloaks that danced before me but didn't, or maybe couldn't, approach me.
And as the darkness continued dancing around me, I realized that the slashing had stopped. But the pain of my sore wounds and my non-bleeding cuts was still there.
When after what I felt like an eternity, I had gathered enough energy to open my eyes, which I had realized had closed accepting the darkness within me too, I had expected to see the same old cloaks made up of darkness sneering and smiling at me cunningly… dancing in front of me like they were before… but alas, I faced nothing like that.
Maybe if I had faced them again after my short slumber, I would have been relieved. At least… they had not abandoned me like so many I knew. At least I would know where I was.
But when my eyes opened and faced the light on my face, which was surprisingly very warm, I had felt like I was in a different dimension.
I had to blink several times to clear my blurred vision and think almost a dozen times to comprehend the fact that the light on my face was nothing but warm sunlight and my surroundings belonged to nowhere but my room.
And it was my room and I was asleep on my bed. I swallowed my rather parched throat and sat up with a flinch. My body was all sore.
How long had I been asleep? Or more importantly… when did I go to sleep?
"Good Morning,"
The voice startled me for some reason, making me look around at my familiar surroundings to see who it was who had greeted me. The voice was too clear for some reason and my throbbing ears and eyes had been closed to foreign sounds for sometime. But as the voice settled down in me, my eyes widened, my ears opened, my throat took in a great amount of air and my memories came flooding back to me.
Despite the sun, I started to shiver.
After what looked like an eternity, I dragged myself out of bed and stood in front of my full length mirror.
I was in the same attire that I had been what seemed like years ago in the furnace room in the old hotel. I took in a deep breath and made a face… I smelled horrible.
Ignoring the smell… I stared closely at my reflection. My face was paper white. My eyes were red shot. My lips looked dry pink and purple like they had been starved like a rose in a desert. I lifted my hand and flinched in pain. Everything hurt everywhere.
I closed my eyes… trying to close myself from reality. I tried to remember. I tried to understand.
All I could remember was immense pain.
I gritted my teeth in exasperation; the feeling was raw and tasted disgusted, as I continued digging through my memories.
And like I was bolted by electricity… my eyes snapped opened, feeling suddenly nauseated, I stared at my reflection.
"I was strangled wasn't I?" I thought to myself in shock.
I strained my eyes towards my neck… trying to see any kind of marks but it was clear.
I, with all my force, gulped and felt a searing pain run through my throat into my parched lungs. My head spun with the sudden shot of pain.
It was like, as I supported myself against the wall, I had been strangled by something inside.
There was silence as I panted and flinched when the air gnawed at my throat. My eyes were wide and I was covered in cold sweat.
I closed my eyes suddenly, cradling myself against the wall, wrapping my arms around me for support as I tried to ease the pain, that had got nothing to do with the sores, that started to sprout in the pit of my stomach.
"…Phoenix… why…?"
I coughed suddenly, spraying blood all over my body. Shocked and frightened, I extended my hands, covered in splatters of blood, in front of my face and tried to control my continuous shaking.
"I am sorry Kimiko,"
Tears started to flow down my blood splattered cheeks as I, ignoring the crimson liquid, buried my face into my hands.
No wonder the voice didn't sound familiar anymore.
When I hear my husband and my son talk about her like that, I want to scream out loud and punish them. But I am weak. I have always been weak. And being married into the Yesha family, and that too of the main branch, was the greatest honour any woman can have. I will admit it… at that time, when I was young and beautiful, I had always dreamed of a blond prince and a white horse coming from all over the Moon Country and asking me to be his bride.
When the proposal for the future heir of the Yesha Clan came, I was overjoyed. A girl, who had no exposure to the world except for how to look after a house, had only dreams of having pretty children and a loving husband… to me, this was a dream come true.
When my first child was born, a beautiful son, my husband was overjoyed. Always laughing; he was a proud man to have a son as a first child to inherit the Yesha Clan after him. I shoved all my love onto him… but I realized, now, that it was of no avail.
When women are soft spoken and weak, men of the family, even if it's your own child, takes over you like you are some insignificant object. My own son, at the age of mere three, started to treat me like I was a nuisance; always messing over his hair and clothes and telling him about manners. It was when he was four, he told me straight to the face that men of the Yesha Clan and that too of the Main Branch, weren't supposed to be fussed over.
The betraying of love made me fall on my knees. From that day, I yearned for a little beautiful girl that I could dress up and teach, someone I could shove all my love onto and she, in turn, won't be embarrassed like my son and my husband to appreciate my love and return it back. I wanted a daughter.
My wish was granted after some time but… everything changed with her.
My husband accused me for cheating on him; he shouted and verbally abused me. He had thought that the child wasn't his… maybe he still believes that but the truth was… my new daughter, a strange red head, was his. Even after several proves and tears, my husband still doubted me. Only after a DNA test, did he change his views and realized it wasn't me at fault.
The elders said that my little girl was cursed and should be thrown out of the Compound immediately in order to avoid bad luck. I had begged my husband not too… I had literally fallen on my knees and begged him not to.
It was the first and last time when he had agreed to a request coming from me after so much begging… and thus, she was kept as a member of the family.
But she wasn't treated like one.
My son and my husband hated her. Cursed, they called her. I would find her crying in her room most of the times and I could only comfort her. I shoved all my love on her and she appreciated it… like I wished she would.
Red eyes. Red hair. Pale face. To me, she was a gothic beauty… a beauty that can kill if somebody glanced at her. A beauty that can flutter every emotionless man's heart and envy every girl in the whole village. To me, she was even more beautiful that I ever was.
But she was hated. I had to watch her cry every time my husband slapped her or my son called her names. I had to watch her in pain every time she went outside of her room and into the streets of the compound. I had to watch her fight with her inner self every time people stared at her and talked loud enough for her to hear. I couldn't understand… I couldn't help her.
It was after some time when I realized that using words such as "patience is a virtue," or "One day, they all will love you," were only ways of giving her fake hope. As I watched her grow, I couldn't help but feel that my little girl was going to get bruised way too many times for my liking.
When she turned four, I caught my husband signing a pact with the Hyuuga Clan to sell her off, either as a wife to an aged man or as a servant. I had yelled back then… I had yelled that I would leave him and take her with me to some far off land.
I didn't know it could work like that but my husband didn't sign the pact. I knew, maybe from the bottom of my heart, that he had a reputation to keep as the heir of the Yesha Clan. I knew he wouldn't let me go.
But I also knew that he wouldn't let me keep her… not forever. He made it clear that night, as I was slapped across the face, that my daughter was a demon that wasn't a part of the Yesha family… she wasn't human. She was cursed. He told me not to treat her like a family member in order for me to see her around in the same household. He told me that she had to go one day.
The next day, I didn't prepare her favourite meal… that day; there were no hugs, kisses or warm baths. That day, there were no words with fake hope in them.
The agony grew inside me as I watched her look at me in desperation and need… but I couldn't take her hand. Because if I did… she would be gone before I can tell how much I loved her. That I could kill my whole family only for her… that I could kill the whole world, with my meek strength, only for her.
I watched her come home everyday from where… I did not know. Sometimes I went to bed without seeing her for the whole day… sometimes I made her favourite as an excuse to cook. I hated myself for being such a mother. I hated myself for treating her like she didn't exist to me anymore. I hated myself so much that if it wasn't for the excuse of seeing her face once in a while, I would be long dead by now.
It had been three straight days since I had seen her. She hadn't returned home. I kept giving myself hope that maybe she had went on her first mission outside the village but all that fake assuredly died when I heard Kakashi with my husband, talking. As I had put the tea down, I found out that Kimiko hadn't gone for training for two days … after she had disappeared into thin air at her last mission.
My husband, hurtfully for me, acted that this Kimiko person was someone he wasn't familiar with. Kakashi took his leave soon after that… probably thinking that my poor Kimiko deserved it.
It was the third day and I hadn't seen her. I couldn't sleep the whole night and I felt relatively very weak. I wanted to snap at everybody that interacted with me and I wanted to do nothing except cry the whole day.
Sombrely, I walked upstairs to clean the house. I had done hers only yesterday and I knew, as she wasn't there, that it wasn't spoiled yet. Kimiko, surprisingly, was a very neat and tidy person. The very thought made my heart clench… I hadn't groomed her much into a lady. Whatever she was doing and whatever she could do was with her own power. Living in a family but with no guidance. Living in a world full of people but no one like her… the very thought was agonizing.
I was about to go to my son's room when I froze suddenly. There was something very sharp in the air… something that made me gag a little… something I was very much familiar with.
Blood. The sharp smell of the crimson liquid drifted in the air like a plague, making me light headed. I held my breath and tried to gather myself up. Nobody was at home right now… how was there a scent of blood? I sniffed the air again hesitantly and my face got even paler.
I had a weakness to blood. Like so many other weaknesses… blood was something I avoided. But being married into a family of ninjas, I had to tender to wounds all the time. Although my experiences with blood ranged from different levels, I had still not overcame the stink of the blood and the gruesome colour that seeped from human flesh itself.
Bravely, I sniffed the air again, the ting of sharp iron killing my throat as I closed my eyes and made my way towards the source.
I froze when my eyes snapped opened and I found myself facing Kimiko's room in front of me. Tears of shock and fright gather into my eyes as I pushed opened the door and tried not to faint.
I could feel someone touch me. The fingers that contacted with my skin were heavenly soft and the continuous murmuring of words, which I admit I couldn't understand, was amazingly comforting to me. I could hear the rushing of water from faraway and the constant wet warm feeling on my body as though it was being cleaned by a piece of cloth. I could hear what seemed like screeches or wails from faraway… maybe somebody had died and everybody was crying on that person's funeral.
And then everything was silent and warm as though the foreign feeling inside of me had escaped far away, into the thin air. Like it was placed by something so much warmer.
And it smelled even better. Rose water and lavender. My head rested on nothing but the softness of silk.
I wanted that moment to last forever.
But when I opened my eyes, my gaze slowly adjusting to the now not so painful light, I knew what the source of such affection was.
She was crying silently, murmuring a prayer under her breath, caressing my hair with such tenderness that I wanted for it to go on forever and ever. I was lying on her lap; her Kimono was wrinkled because of my head.
It was after some time when our gazes met and she stopped murmuring and crying. Her devastated expression was replaced by one of relief.
"Kimiko! Are you ok? What happened? How are you feeling?"
The worrying bombardment of questions made me want to cry. I had never thought that I wouldn't be alone when I woke up. I was glad that my mother was with me even though she despised me. As I dazedly watched my mother's falling tears and those worried lines on her forehead… I realized that watching my mother getting worried about me, like I had thought before, wasn't fun and appealing at all.
I opened my mouth to say something reassuring, to stop those flowing tears and that worry on her face that made my heart beat, but I had no words. How can one person comfort another when he had never been comforted before himself?
Words of comfort were foreign to me.
"Kimiko?" My mother whispered as she watched my relieved expression towards her. She threw her hands around my neck and crawled up beside me in my bed. Her body warmth and her fragrance of rose water were so comforting that I wished that it could last forever. I sighed in comfort and tried not to go to sleep again.
"Mo-mother?" I managed to say, trying to hide my weak chapped voice as best as I could but failed.
"What happened Kimiko? Who hurt you like this? Tell me!" She wailed, hugging my tightly and protectively.
Who hurt me? Who could hurt me mother… the same old damned thing inside of me that is eating me away. That made me cursed. That made my life into a living hell.
I wish I could tell her that but then again… I refused to acknowledge the thing inside of me any longer so I stated something I knew wouldn't convince her.
"I don't remember," My throat hurt but surprisingly my voice was becoming stable by every minute.
My mother stared at me with her eyes wide and still filled with tears. She wore an expression of betrayal and hurt and although she was silent, I could hear what she was thinking. She wasn't expecting that lie from me.
And then her face relaxed into one of acceptance and tears started to fall again. The expression tore me apart and I moved closer to her, trying to comfort her without any words.
"Kimiko… I am sorry. I am really sorry," she sobbed, burying her head in my neck. I felt tears gathered in my eyes.
"Why are you apologizing? You did nothing wrong!" I argued… my voice now normal as it was ever before.
She continued to sob as I sat up against the pillows and allowed her to do so. Not knowing what to do, I patted her head in an awkward manner but it only increased her wailing and I thought maybe my touch was painful to her so I quickly pulled back my hand.
"Mo-mother… please… stop crying. I am sorry," the words of comfort were so foreign to me yet I still whispered them to her in a desperate manner. I couldn't believe myself that I had once wished for her to cry for me and worry about me. It made me, now, feel like crap.
"Are you crying because of me mother?" Insecurity was coming over me and I felt self-conscious about choosing my words and how I was acting. Maybe unconsciously I had hurt her… bad. Maybe I destroyed everything. Maybe the thing inside of me had destroyed everything.
A fear gnawed my heart as my mother's hands tightened against my body. Tears still running down my face, she looked at me as though I was the mother and she was the child.
"Kimiko… please… p-please forgive me," her voice was nothing more than a whimper.
Confused and miserable, I looked at her, not knowing what to do and what to say. From below, I could hear footsteps and the sliding open of a door. My mother stiffened at the sounds too and held me even more closely.
"I love you, Kimiko… I will always love you,"
"Mo-mothe-"
"I am sorry that I have been such a bad mother,"
I wanted to refuse but everything seemed to be such confusion for me. There were calling from downstairs and my mother just motioned me to listen and not talk.
"I am sorry that I wasn't strong enough for you,"
Where is this going?
"I have always loved you… from here," and as though it would make any sense, she put a hand on her left breast, indicating it to her heart. I just cocked my head at her, confused but I could feel a tinge of happiness bloom inside of me slowly. My mother loved me. Before she could open her mouth again, I blurted out loud
"Mother… I love you too! A lot!"
Even to me, it sounded so childish and she blinked at me in a shocked and sorrowful expression. The voices were coming louder and there were heavy steps on the stairs as somebody came up haughtily.
"Th-than… than you must believe that I will do everything for your betterment, I will stop the pain,"
Hope.
That was the emotion that came over me at that second. Inside of me, I could feel the creature stir uneasily as though something bad was going to happen but I ignored it and hushed his sudden alarming voice. I would trust my mother that has always loved me and I would rather listen her then a demon that had tried to kill me before.
Why would I listen to such a thing?
As though desperation was the peak of my existence, I clutched my mother for dear life and looked at her with tears in my eyes.
"Ne… Mother, please… stop the pain. Stop it. Make it go away,"
The pain. The pain of hatred. The pain of being cursed. My mother would make it go away for me. She would do it because she loved me and cared for me. Then when it would be all over, she and I will live happily ever after. I will never complain or wish. I will listen to my parents and be a good little sister. I will donate all my savings to the poor. I will be a good ninja and a good person.
My mother was promising me a life where there was no demon. She was going to make the pain go away and allow me to rest in solace.
The voices became louder and there were banging of doors. The demon inside of me stirred and slithered yet I silently begged my mother to do her magic… to make the pain go away.
"I will,"
And to my shock and horror, her hands immediately went for my throat. Clasping my already strangled throat close with her hands, she felt no pity as her nails dig into my skin and even more pain shot through my body. I opened my mouth to scream but no voice came out. My lungs screamed for air and I felt like I was experiencing the death penalty all over again but this time… I couldn't tear my eyes from my mother's determined face.
She was killing me.
She was taking away my life.
She had lied to me again.
Even though she said she loved me… why was she doing this?
Why?
Tears blurred my vision and I felt the demon inside of me snarl.
"Phoenix…"
I was losing my vision, my head, my heart… my everything. I could feel the blood escape from my neck. I could hear muffled up yells from the door... I could feel insanity coming over me.
The Phoenix took its colour. Before I knew it, my eyes turned more crimson and my skin burned, making the murderer of a mother gasp as her skin got heated up and get slightly burned but she tightened her grip. Why was she so determined to kill me? Didn't she say that she would take away the pain? Was this her way to take away the pain?
"Let me kill,"
"Save me, Phoenix,"
I could fear everything burning and suddenly my vision was clear and all my senses were back and refreshed. I knew how I looked like at the state. The ends of my hair were on fire and were flying about. My pupils were yellow slits surrounded by a fiery crimson.
I could see my mother scream as a burst of fire erupted from my body and pushed her away.
"Don't…"
"Let me…"
"I said don't!"
And the fire disappeared and so did my furious appearance and I was left with my choking self. I felt weak and sad and the blood oozing from my neck didn't make anything better.
I looked at my mother with my poor blurry vision and was shocked to see my brother and father there too. It felt like another nightmare, another problem, another head aching sorrowful tale that I had stepped into again. The Phoenix was angry and it confused me even more as it had, itself, tried to kill me before. The pain inside me was bubbling and I felt as though something was stuck into my throat. The blood was flowing so easily down my neck and it soaked my once clean clothes wet. Yet, I tried to push it away… my physical pain and my emotional as I waited for the three figures in front of me to attack me.
What kind of hope am I indulged in?
Is this really a time to wonder such things?
My father and my brother had witnessed everything; that mother was choking me and killing me and yet, they were still standing there like statues, staring holes at me as though I was at fault. That pushing someone, even if it was mother, away from me with my cursed power was wrong. That it was me, who was dying, was at fault.
What was I hoping for? Or still… what am I hoping for still? That father will realize that he had been treating me like crap and would try to nicer? That brother would realize that however a sibling looks like; it is his responsibility to look after her? And mother…?
There was silence for the little confused part of my conscious that had suddenly slithered alive before at the sense of 'hope' but slowly it was dying.
Hope, for the person I had the most for and was clinging desperately for it, had completely vanished.
My brother bent towards my mother as though shielding her from me. His face was stone cold and his eyes were burning with anger and hatred. My father had the same expression yet his was more composed than his future younger self. Their silent anger was only broken of the rhythm of mother's soft crying and my loud panting.
My father stepped forward and I stiffened immediately, waiting for his frontal attack. Maybe it would be some water jutsu… or maybe he will do something to my head. Maybe…
"Get out,"
"Eh?"
I stared at him in shock and fright, my lips whimpering slightly as I tried to register to what he had said.
"W-wh-?"
"You are no longer a part of this household… let alone the clan. Get out of the Yesha property this instant,"
"Was he… "
"I disown you,"
I felt a sudden sickening feeling come over me suddenly. The monster inside of me has suddenly become motionless too and I didn't like the sudden change of events. I felt cold sweat suddenly cover myself and I felt even weaker than before.
I stumbled out of the bed in sudden shock, retaliating what my father was saying.
"Wh-Why?" I stuttered out in shock, "Why? I didn't do anything…"
"You are a disgrace. A monster. You are hurting the Yesha Clan. Such a… thing is not needed. You attacked your mother who has defended you since you were born. If it wasn't for her… I would have gotten rid of you a long time ago,"
I stood still; my mind dazed that it didn't even registered my eyes to cry. I watched the stone faced of my family and the hypocrisy of my mother, crying as though she was the one who was at fault whereas I, the devil child, was becoming disowned.
"Father…"
"I am no longer your father,"
"B-But," I was panicking, "She… Mother… she tried to cho-"
"Not another word! Get out! NOW!"
His bellowing yell made the whole world go still. I felt like there were many out of the main house who was watching us eagerly to; like as an anticipating movie, each and every one of them wondering what will happen next.
"Kiyoshi… kick her out,"
My so called brother was at my side at once, his strong hands grabbing my already exhausted and weak arms harshly and dragging me out of the room in a matter of seconds. I stumbled over my feet as he pulled and I tried to struggle out but it was of no use. Wide eyed and scared, I stared at my father cold emotionless expression as he stared down at me from his egoistic height. I stared and stared… embarking the expression… embarking the events… embarking everything in my mind forever… never to be forgotten again.
"Is it really going to end like this?"
I was almost at the door of my room… after that… I will lose sight of him… and her. My wavering eyes fell on my mother's shocked expression as she stared back at me petrified, as though she had no idea what was going on. Her foolishly innocent expression made something inside of me tick off.
It was all her fault.
"What you have gotta lose now?"
"Why?" I yelled at her, struggling from my brother's harsh grip which suddenly eased at my first time angry screams, out of curiosity. Suddenly I wanted to scream everything at her… it was all her fault.
"You said that you were going to HELP me! This is your entire fault! I thought I could trust you!"
"Oye! How dare you…" My brother started jerking me slightly but I knew… he was curious. I knew he wouldn't pull me away out of the door that easily. Especially when things, to him and father, were becoming so interesting and entertaining…that the little devil monster was finally yelling and that too at the person they least expected to.
"I am entertaining you all eh?"
"You used me!"
"I was always an entertainment wasn't I?"
"You are the worst! A hypocrite!"
"Enough is enough!"
There was a sudden fire inside of me but it wasn't related to the phoenix at all. The fire included of hatred and revenge… Of anger and defence.
"I will show you all," This time I faced my father directly in the eye and suddenly I was glad I saw a ting of surprise come into his eyes for a second, "I will show you. You will regret this. All of it. Who do you think I am? I am not your child… whether you disown me or not… I was never your child. I belong of the phoenixes. And I am the one who is going to decide what your fate is. I am not cursed," My voice thickened as the phoenix spoke suddenly, taking the words out of my heart and out for everyone to hear. My brother yelped suddenly and let go off me immediately. I was burning but I knew that I wasn't in the phoenix's form. It was just an intimacy… to scare the one who scared me off.
"It is you that is cursed. You mistreated the child of the Godly Power and blessings. Your fate will definitely be one of pain and suffering,"
I turned out slowly without another glance at my pitiful shocked mother and glanced at my brother who was backing away from me slowly, like a frightened coward. I gave a sneer and walked out of the door myself, with no one to drag me out.
Down the street and out of the gates, I felt the fear of the Yesha people, who had been spying through different techniques, grow. I could hear the children suddenly awakening from their clueless slumbers into screams of the adults and the panic that suddenly arose from all the over the place. As I walked, the windows were shut quickly and prayers were said. As I walked away, into the forest and thus nowhere else to go, I could hear curses from the main house and my father sudden retaliation against mine.
"Who do you think she is? I am the leader of the legendary Yesha Clan. I can even kick her out of the village… no the country!"
An insane small smile came over my features as tears began to suddenly sprout out of my eyes. My energy was gone, my throat was dry and my everything hurt beyond repair. The blood in my neck was still flowing the entire time and the magic seemed to suddenly disappear as I fell on my knees, clutching a tree trunk for support. Shaking badly and sobbing silently, I could hardly let the air inside me. I felt hot but it was because I was sick and weak. This temperature suddenly wasn't comfortable at all and I wanted to suddenly cool down. To suddenly… just…
With that… I vomited all over the ground and my phoenix slithered inside of me as though judging my sudden feverish state.
"You have chosen the wrong path,"
"Shut up. You are inside of me. I am not inside of you. I chose whatever. You are a mere tool. A nothing. What you and I had… is all gone. Don't you fucking think that this incident proves of the fact that we are close buddies again and I have forgotten everything. You… hypocrite,"
Seriously… everyone and everything… should just break.
Finally! A new chapter to this story! Sighs. Writing in this detail when you don't have time to write... wow... it takes out everything from me. D:
Anyhow. This chapter gave me a lot of trouble. I wrote it whole and just had to edit it (about like three to four months ago. :p) but suddenly my computer spazzed out at me and didn't save (even though i saved it!). So i had to write it again which was really tiring! D: SO that is the reason why this is SO late! :(
The next chapter, compared to this one, will be up quicker but no promises. x'D And please excuse any mistakes because it was HARD to edit this. x'D
Hope it was enjoyable and worth the wait.
Word count of this chapter: 6000 words! o.o''
And special thanks to TearsThatNeverFell for the special inbox message. Even though i said it would be up earlier, life's been busy. Thank you for reading and liking this story. :)