Part 11: Venus, Goddess of Love (Jones) *******************************
She sighed, a frown marring yet enhancing her perfect forehead. She turned and stared at her sister, the winsome and slightly masculine Athena.
"Parents are such trash."
Athena nodded. "They are. Personally, I would have loved to have just jumped out of the old man's head fully formed than to be squeezed out of mom like some kind of common person."
"Mom told me about that. She said she was doing her nails and looked down and there you were, lying on the rug. She was really mad about the rug," Venus said, sighing. "I'm glad I rose out of the ocean after Dad jacked off."
"You and me both," Athena said, wrinkling her nose. She sighed. "We need to flex our muscles. We need to get into the game. I want to help these guys." "So do I," Venus agreed.
Both of them paused on visions of shagging their favorites for a moment.
"We're grounded."
"I know."
"Let's go." -both, in unison.
Donning their *own* invisible cloaks, they hopped out the window of their bedroom and skippered off to Middle Earth.
Elbereth help them if they got caught.
Heh-heh-heh ... beggers the great philosophical question ... who do you pray to when your mom is the goddess of choice?
**********On the silvery shore ...
They camped, stretched out on the hard ground. Boromir was on duty, fretting about his soon-to-be unemployment if everything worked out so he didn't see two teenaged goddesses slip past him and head for the base camp. Of their dreams.
"It's great being invisible," Athena said, peering down at Frodo Baggins as he slept. "This one is cute. I wish he were taller."
"Stand him on a box," her sister suggested helpfully.
"Good idea," she replied, licking her lips.
"This one is hot," Athena replied. "Look at his calves. I love muscular calves. I think I'm in love."
"He's an elf," Venus said, checking him out. "We have a lot of elves. Men are rare and so are hobbits."
"That's true but this one is cute," Athena said, feeling his leg.
The elf smiled and sighed. "Aragorn ... zzz ..."
"He's got it bad for the man," Venus said, shaking her head in pity. "Too bad he isn't aware that the man is a sexual libertine, a cad and a horny toad."
"Maybe you can fix that. You are after all the goddess of love in *some* places," Athena said, staring at her sister.
She squealed like a schoolgirl, which she was and grinned. "That's like so true, right?"
Athena sighed.
"Okay," Venus said, rubbing her hands together. "Here's what I'll do ..."
With that, she turned and fixed her eyes on Aragorn, himself sitting by a tree, staring at the moon. With a flick of her wrist, she buried a shaft of love so deep in his backside that he wouldn't be able to sit down for a week without weeping with the tears of true love.
Or something.
Teenaged girls ... they are *such* a piece of work ...
Anyhoo ...
Aragorn groaned and stood up, staring around for something he needed like yesterday. He spied Legolas lying on the ground and his heart cloned itself. All the endorphins in his body colluded and conspired to gather at his midsection as he felt the crushing footfalls of True Love (tm) kick him in the mandible like a comet striking the earth, killing life as we know it sixty-five million years before, extincting the dinosaurs and allowing mammalian life forms to become at last dominant. That in turn led to a sundering of primates in the Great Rift Valley, the ones on the east becoming more human and the rest secure that peeling a banana was better than being a stockbroker.
They then gathered in hunting bands, raiding each other's proms for new girls to enhance the gene pool all the while hunting down such interloping variations such as Neanderthalensis and Australopithecus heidelbergensis and killing them on sight. Or so my grandpa tells me.
Wait a minute. Australo means a southern African ape and heidelbergensis means a German humanoid. Where does Cro-magnon man fit here and what of Marsha!
How would I know? I'm still trying to figure out who the Macaroni Boys and Sue are...
Where were we? Ah, yeah ... cave painting.
Then they gathered together at the ri-ver ... the Tigris and Euphrates that is, and began cities, writing, pollution, inbreeding, wars, plagues, famines, N'Sync, World Wars One to Three, the Young Republicans, the Internationale, Pokeyman, and spaghetti. In the end, the entire course of human development lands in one lump at the feet of Jerry Springer.
SOB!
All in all not such a bad deal. Except for N'Sync.
What has this got to do with our story? Nothing. But I just *had* to put the liberal arts degree to *some* use ...
"Legolas!"
"Wha ...?"
"Come with me! Literally!"
Aragorn dragged Legolas into the bushes and it was silent for a moment. Then a huge squeal erupted followed by much shaking of the bushes. Then two long groans followed. For a moment, it was silent and then Legolas skippered out of the bushes.
"HEY! WAKE UP! I HAVE NEWS!"
"WHAT THE HELL?" -everyone waking up.
Legolas beamed like a blushing bride. "Guess what?"
There was silence.
Legolas frowned. "Guess!"
"You passed a gall stone." -Sam, ever practical.
"You finished probation." -Frodo, who would know.
"You don't have the clap anymore." -Boromir, who also
would know.
"You found out you're not really Thranduil's son but the son of wandering gypsies who spawn with the wives of famous men and then at some time in the future, call them to take over the world and then they can have all the pizza they want." -Pippin, who ran out of ritalin the day before.
"No," Legolas said, cutting off the rest of them. "I'm getting married!"
Silence.
"To who?" Merry asked.
"No, to whom," Gimli interjected, taking the pickle out of his mouth.
"I don't think so," Merry replied, before getting cut off by an indignant Legolas.
"Enough! I'm getting married to Aragorn."
For a moment, there was no sound and then all of them began to cry. Legolas turned to his dreamy-eyed love and smiled.
"They're all so happy, they're crying. I could cry too."
"Go ahead, baby mine," Aragorn said magnanimously. He, himself was curiously dry-eyed.
/... who will be the father of my baby if Legolas is the wife of Aragorn? .../ -Gimli.
/... I won't be able to shag him again .../ - Boromir /... I will anyway .../
/... I wonder what dad would think? ... wah! I miss old Dad ... sorta ... no I don't ... that isn't natural ... I think I'll cry for myself and my lost innocence ... WAH! .../ - hobbit/maiar boy-lets, letting go at last and mourning as they move toward *closure* ...
Let me digress ...
Closure is an illusion. How can you fill an empty hole? Closure implies completion. Fooey.
Continue ...
"Look at them cry. This is great!" Venus, grinning.
"Let's do some more stuff. What about the fat one?" Athena asked, pointing to the dwarf.
"He thinks Legolas is the father. Let's go see the real father," Venus said, grinning.
"You are evil. Let's go," Athena said, rising in the air and flying off with her sister to Rivendell.
Meanwhile, back in the Undying Lands, at the big house on the hill ...
"Did you see what I saw?" Elbereth said, sitting up straight on the couch.
"I did. Are you afraid too?" Manwe asked, swallowing hard.
"Very. Very, very afraid."
"LET'S GO!" -both parents.
Manwe donned his boots and picked up his foghorn. Elbereth grabbed her
brush, the British one with the bristles, and they both turned and flew out the door.
They had to hurry.
Iluvatar alone knew what could happen when their kids met up with Middle Earth. It also beggers the question ... who does a god and goddess of first choice pray to when they don't want the Big Guy to find out?
On a massage table, near the hot tub, somewhere by the Sacred Fire ...
"A little lower."
Gandalf massaged the great ass of Iluvatar as he waited for his return to Middle Earth. He had taken an open position as chief masseuse in the household of the LORD OF ALL THE UNIVERSE, keeping his hand in, so to speak, of the news of comings and goings.
As they stood there, a maiar lass ambled in with a Palm Pilot made of mithral silver. She handed it to Iluvatar and left, winking to him as he leered at her. Sighing, he looked over the words on the shiny screen.
Sitting up, his face paling, he turned to Gandalf.
"Get your ass back to Middle Earth. We have a code red in progress."
"NO! NOT THAT!" Gandalf gasped, not bothering to take off his white masseuse robes in his haste to get to Middle Earth.
"YES! VENUS AND ATHENA ZEUS-JONES ARE LOOSE IN IMLADRIS!"
With that, Gandalf winked out of sight. Illuvatar sighed and turned to his table, laying down as he did. When they got those little wenches back home, he would supervise their probation personally.
/... heh-heh-heh ... sigh .../
Tbc c2010