Part 12: Well LA DE DA! ********************************
It was quiet around the coy pond when Elrond walked down the winding path toward it. He stopped at the pond and looked down, admiring his genitals in its reflection.
/... nice ... heh-heh-heh .../
Behind him, cloaked by their goddess-ness, two young teen girls admired them too.
[[[[["Wow! I think I'm in love!]]]]]
[[[[["You can't be in love, Venus! *I* am!"]]]]]
Venus and Athena stared at each other, each willing the other to fall into shadow but in truth, with equal power, they cancelled each other out. Sighing with renewed angst, they both turned to the object of their desire.
Elrond turned and continued onward, unaware that two female-lets were hot on the trail of his tail.
**********Closing ground quickly ...
Two red-hot and harried parents swept down to Middle Earth as fast as their god-ness could take them. Landing with a thud at Imladris, they hurried up the path toward the great House of Elrond. As they topped the hill, a guard stepped out, Elvish lance in hand.
"HALT! WHO GOES THERE!"
Elbereth stopped short, her husband bumping in behind her. She glanced at him and then the guard.
"Are you kidding? I'm Elbereth ... you know ... *the* Elbereth. This is the hubby, Manwe, God of All Eternity."
"Right. Do you have a picture ID?"
!- God of All Eternity and the Ball and Chain.
**********Far away ...
"And when we get back I'll get a manicure and a pedicure and a Brazilian bikini cut because its what everyone is doing and then I'll register at the local Fred Meyers and then ..." -Legolas Aragorn Arathornsson
-to-be
SIGH! -entire Fellowship of the Ring (tm)
**********At the guard post at Imladris ...
"I didn't *BRING* my purse!"
"Well, I didn't bring my *WALLET*!"
"Turn him into a toad!"
"I don't *DO* that anymore. It's like so First Age!"
"Manwe! You're pushing my buttons!"
"WHAT ELSE IS NEW!"
**********At the edge of the great river ...
Elrond stood in the moonlight, staring at the stars. He had come to terms about his ... indiscretion ... and now he felt better than he did a day or two before. He would deny, deny, deny. If that didn't work, he would claim demonic influence. If that failed, he would say that he was drunk and unable to make a good judgment. If that failed, he would put a hit on the little hairy bastard.
Smiling, he sighed and turned, stopping dead in his tracks. He glanced around and found himself alone. Of course, that failed to explain the hand on his butt. For a moment, Elrond of Imladris was at a loss for words.
**********Invisible but intensely close ...
"He has a great bootie." -Venus, sighing and wiping spittle off her chin.
"Let me feel." -Athena, grabbing something else.
"That isn't his bootie, Athena."
"I know." huge audible grin
Elrond, son of Earendil and Elwing, Peredhel and father of his country fell on the ground, writhing like he had Legolas sitting his face.
He *wished*!
**********On a hillside, in the far out wilderness ...
Aragorn, son of Arathorn, etc, et al, op sit pondered the conundrum of his new circumstances. He was now in the throes of getting married, something he hadn't planned on doing for some time to come. He had other goals first.
1. Burn out any latent heterosexuality in the stew pit of Arwen, Evenstar of her People, etc.
2. Seek out the perfect sub to dominate and otherwise build up his burgeoning homosexuality. Of course, he considered ... is there a better sub in the universe than Legolas? Well ... *Boromir* ... but he wasn't an elf ... SOB! ...
3. Find two or three elves, all male of course, to keep on the side as he gave the illusion that he was actually faithful to the pathetic sod that he chose to be his full time baby mine and tiara-wearing little wench-let.
SIGH!
/... I'm screwed ... I just don't understand how it is that I was just SITTING there and then I find myself MARRIED! ... well, at least it was Legolas. It could have been someone else ... I wonder who it COULD have been ... Boromir is a bit of a hottie ... after all, he has a great big horn ... SNORT! ... lordy, he has a *BIG*, *BIG* horn ... SIGH! ... sort of puts Legolas' little toot to shame ... WHIMPER! ... what the *hell* happened to me? .../
Behind him, lying on his back and happily considering the days to come, Legolas of Mirkwood mentally practiced writing his new name ... Legolas Aragorn-SonOfArathorn, Consort of King Aragorn Arathornsson, headcheese of just about every place that doesn't have elves. That is, if he can win it back.
His missing kingdom, that is.
Legolas began to sob, determined in his mind to help his soon-to-be ball and chain regain his kingdom, his manhood and his timeshare on the banks of the Anduin.
Especially the timeshare.
**********At the coy pond in Imladris ...
[[["God! He sure is a stallion!"]]]
[[["He is! He's *my* stallion!"]]]
Pause. Wrinkling of perfect forehead ensues...
[[["Venus, he's mine.]]]
[[["He's mine, Athena."]]]
HUGE FIST FIGHT ENSUES!
Elrond of Imladris sat up, staring around as he considered how it was that he fell upon the ground and exploded. He could sense a catfight nearby but there was nothing substantive to prove its existence. So he did the only thing he could.
He got up and ran like hell.
[[["HE'S MINE!"]]]
[[["HE'S MINE!"]]]
[[["YOU'RE *BOTH* MINE!]]]
[[["OH CRAP! MOM AND DAD ARE HERE!]]]
Both goddess-lets turn and run like they had a goddess with a hair brush after them. Which they did. Manwe sighs and walks up to the house, tapping on a window and smiling reassuringly at the cowering Lord of Imladris crouching behind his favorite chair.
"Um ... I say, old chap! How about letting me in?"
Elrond stared at the figure in the window, knowing instinctively that it was Manwe. He rose and let him in. Manwe stood uncomfortably, staring around the room.
"Nice digs."
"Thanks. I prefer masculine-casual," Elrond replied.
"You do? The ball-and-chain likes chintz." Manwe sighed. "Do you know how hard it is to be the god of the universe and sit around in chintz?"
"I can. Before the wife left for the Undying Lands we had doilies on *EVERYTHING*."
"The wife? Do I know her?" Manwe asked, sitting and taking a beer from the hand of his host.
Elrond sat and popped his Coors. "Celebrian."
"Oh god! Not her!" Manwe said, sucking his beer down in one gulp.
"Do you know her?" Elrond asked, a flash of nostalgia for the old days rushing through him.
"KNOW HER! SHE'S THE WIFE'S DECORATOR!"
Elrond rose and got more beer.
**********ON THE PLANE BETWEEN MIDDLE EARTH AND HEAVEN ...
He slid down the poop chute toward Middle Earth, landing with a blast on a sandy ridge near to where the Fellowship slept.
***KERBLAM!***
In seconds he was surrounded, armed men and others encircling him completely. He smiled and shook his head.
"It's me, Gandalf."
"WHO SEZ?" -Gimli, wielding an ax around his gut.
"Have you got any picture I.D.?" -Aragorn, his civic-ness overcoming his common sense.
"Picture I.D.?" Gandalf sighed. "I'm *Gandalf*. I was gray once and now I'm white. Gandalf the White."
"You look like a friggin' masseuse!" Gimli said, moving in for the kill. As he did, a sharp pain split his gut and he fell to his knees. "HOOTS, MON! There be whales here!"
Everyone stared at him, their eyes opened for the first time. Of course, the size 38 D cleavage straining against Gimli's tunic helped ...
"WHO THE HELL IS THIS WANKER AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH GIMLI!" -Fellowship
Gandalf sighed.
/... oh crap ... I bet they want me to deliver that kid ... where did I put my hack saw? .../
**********Imladris ...
[[["I will beat your butts if I get my hands on you!"]]] -Elbereth ...
[[["You have to catch me first!"]]] -two girls, running like the wind ...
They pass the den where Elrond and Manwe are sitting, half in the bag.
"This is more fun than a barrel of monkeys," Manwe said, clicking his beer can against Elrond's.
The Elf Lord giggled, chugging his Coors. "I think its funnier. Its the funner-est thing I've seen since Aragorn, son of a man I shagged, proposed to my daughter, the flaming queen."
"Aragorn is a fag?" Manwe asked.
"They *all* are!" Elrond said, snickering. "They all are and you know what?"
"What?" Manwe asked, eating from his plate of little smokies.
"THEY'RE ALL MY SONS!"
For a moment, they stared at each other and then burst into laughter.
"GUESS WHAT!" Manwe asked, laughing through his beer.
"WHAT!" Elrond asked, reseating himself on his chair.
"I'M YOUR REAL FATHER!"
Elrond looked at Manwe for a moment. "You mean ... Earendil isn't my father?"
"HELL NO!" Manwe said, smiling broadly. "*I* am."
"Fuck," Elrond said, pulling out more beer.
**********On the trail...
Legolas climbed a tree in his squicky-ness at the screaming emanating from the fat little dwarf squirming on the ground. Aragorn joined him and they hugged the trunk tightly, signing every song they ever knew at the top of their voices.
Boromir, unable to climb in his burden of clothing and weapons, dug a hole and buried himself.
Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin watched and took notes, determined to apply what they learned to their herds of goats back in the Shire.
Gandalf merely closed his eyes and pulled.
**********Imladris ...
"Sho ... Dad ... you my old man?" -Elrond, sprawled under the grand piano in the corner, bottle of Jack Daniels in hand.
"Sho 'nuff," Manwe said, sighing as he attempted to eat the fish in the aquarium by submerging his face. He blew bubbles.
"Well ... crap ... I been prayin' to a man who ain't my pa," Elrond muttered, trying to sit up. He hit his head on the piano and passed out, unaware that in a far away place, he had become a father.
Again.
**********Far away ...
"That is the ugliest baby I've ever seen." -hobbits.
"He looks like a troll doll." -Boromir, who would know.
"He sort of looks like Elrond." -Legolas.
"!" -Everyone
C2010 tbc