Part 13: Oh Crap!
He came to under his piano, empty bottle in hand. He sighed and rolled over, looking into the perfect face of his father, the Lord of the Universe, Manwe. Of course, it was hard to imagine. After all, he had called another man Dad. Earendil, the great night mariner had always been dad to him.
Now it was all messed up.
Like his head.
He burped and passed out again.
**********Far away ...
"But I shagged *you*, Legolas!" -Gimli, much thinner now.
"I didn't shag you. I shagged Aragorn!" –Legolas
"I shagged Legolas! Don't look at me!" -Aragorn
"SHUT THE HELL UP! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!" -Everyone, to Aragorn.
wanders off to sulk and look sultry on the top of a nearby hill, giving off king vibes even if he wasn't one. yet.
"So ... you're telling me you shagged me at Rivendell?" -Legolas
"Yes."
"I *think* I would have *remembered* something like that. Kissing you would be like sucking on a bottle brush!" -Legolas
"OOOooooOOOOOoo!" -Gimli getting red face even as he makes a note to get some bottle brushes. Fuck the Le Leche League!
**********Rivendell...
Skippity-doo-dahing in, Arwen stares at two gorgeous men sprawled on the floor. Noting her father has tied one on again, she looks at the other.
/... you look like Manwe, God of the Universe... naaaaah ... you must be the guy from the agency that dad doesn't think I know about ... I hope you don't have the clap like the *last* one .../
She sighed and left the room, making a note to get more fish for the inexplicably empty aquarium.
**********In the big house, at the top of the hill in the Undying Lands ...
"I want you to know that I am so mad at you it will be five Ages before I ever get over it."
"MoOOOooooOOOooom!" Athena sighed. "You are like so First Age!"
"Get over it!"
mom unit stalks off and slams the door on their room
"Mom is like so constipated."
"Athena ... I want that elf. He was mine. You should have given him to me."
"Venus ... bite me."
HUGE FIST FIGHT ENSUES.
Mom unit sits on couch and tunes in the Middle Earth channel, KISS 69. Sips her tea and sighs.
"You really are my old man?" Elrond of Imladris asks, removing the ice pack from his face.
"I am," Manwe says, sighing. "I shagged Elwing when Elbereth wasn't looking. I shagged Earendil too. It was a foot race which one would get knocked up first."
"My mother was a saint."
"Your mother is a bird."
"My family was big on mixed marriages."
"That's true, Perry ... so ... what about Glorfindel? Is he a babe or what?"
Elrond sighed. "Is he related to me?"
"Not yet," Manwe said, finger combing his hair. "Give me a minute."
He turned and swaggered out the door, enjoying boys night out to the fullest.
Elbereth, on the other hand, reached into her underwear drawer and pulled out a .32 with his name on it.
/... there will be one less dog in the pound after I get through with you, you ... mutt! .../
With that, she turned and slipped down the poop chute for Middle Earth and her moment in the sun with Manwe.
**********Sitting on rocks in the sticks ...
They sat and stared at each other, the Ring around Frodo's neck forgotten. They had bigger fish to fry.
"So what you're saying is ... you're not sure who the father is..." -Aragorn, asserting his true kingliness over Boromir, who merely wanted to cut something up with his sword.
"I am no longer sure."
"You're a girl." -hobbits/maiar boy-lets
"Sam, Frodo, Merry, Pippin ... don't be sexist little pukes." -Dead old Dad, tut-tutting his youngins'.
"I am a ... I am a ..." Gimli choked. He was about to let out the secret that drove dwarves all underground in the first place. He was a birl. That is, he was a boy who could be a girl if he wanted to be. It's sort of like frogs that change sex when there aren't enough boys or girls around to shag.
Like that.
"I'm complex," he finally settled upon.
"You're telling us," Legolas said emphatically. "I just hope Elrond is okay with your ... complexity."
"You seem to think that you're not the father!" Gimli said angrily, visions of tons of Thranduil's dough slipping away from him.
"I'm not."
"How can you be sure?" Gimli asked as everyone turned to stare at Legolas.
The elf blanched, aware of how close he was to revealing *his* secret. He sputtered. No one could know about the accident that left him ... missing a few things. And shortened others.
"I don't have to answer that!" he hissed, crossing his legs.
"Why not? Are you hiding something?" Pippin asked, peering under Legolas' tunic.
"Stop it, Pippin!" Gandalf roared, mentally filing away a note to check Leggy out himself later. "We have to turn back."
"Why?" -Everyone.
"We have to make sure we know who is who and what is what. Standing around out here won't help."
"What about the Ring, Dad?"
"Give it back to your mother! I told you not to mess with his stuff! See where it got us? *I* ended up dead and in Mandos. You ended up mucking around and smoking dope without me. Aragorn got into Legolas' pants before I did and Elrond knocked up Gimli."
"What about me?" Boromir demanded, drawing his sword.
"You are on my list. By the by, love the horn. It's so you."
Boromir blushed.
"Pack up! We're going back."
With that, they all bent to Gandalf's superior will. Gandalf in turn, got a great view of all their asses.
**********Imladris...
A small figure showed up at the gate and was allowed in. He was there to find the ball and chain of his nightmares, Gandalf the Gray. He would have been white, Bilbo considered, if he'd only take a bath once in a while.
He walked in and sat on a bench, waiting for someone to notice. It would be a while.
Elrond sighed and straightened his hair, clean and sober as a judge. He had learned a lot of stuff but he had done his best to rise to the occasion. Insights sprouted on him like warts on a hog:
1. His father was a clueless twit.
2. His mother was one easy babe, he was finding out.
3. He was now related to most of the Valar, half the Maiar and shock of shocks! Sauron was his half-sister. don't even ask
4. He needed a drink.
As he stood in the doorway of his den, watching as Manwe mixed himself a hangover antidote, a woman entered packing a rod.
"WHERE IS HE!"
"Who?" Elrond asked, blanching.
"MANWE!"
"Dad? This one's for you," Elrond said, spinning and running for the hills.
***BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!***
**********Through the wonders of this keyboard, the Fellowship entered the domain of Elrond about five seconds after the shooting. With barely a sweat breaking out, they walked past the guard on their way to Elrond's wet bar in the billiard room.
"I can't *wait* to tell Elrond that you and I are going to do it full time and exclusively," Legolas said, flouncing along in front of Aragorn.
Aragorn watched his elf butt and sighed. "I'm sure he will be pleased as peas," Aragorn sighed, dreading Arwen's opinion.
They scooted down the hill, passing emergency care workers and entered, noting the number and artistic placement of the bullet holes that dotted the room.
"What happened?" Gandalf asked, spying Elrond.
"Elbereth came and shot up the place. She was trying to kill Dad."
"Earendil is here?" Gandalf asked.
"You're ten pages behind," Elrond said, sighing. "It appears that my mom was a slut."
/... damn! ... *now* he tells me .../ "I am sorry to hear that."
They gathered and watched as Glorfindel swathed Manwe's ass in bandages. Nearby, tapping her foot with great irritation, Elbereth watched.
"I want the garage cleaned out, the lawn mowed, the attic cleaned and I want a new chariot, a new horse, a new set of spring fashions from the Cote d'Sur, a buncha pictures painted by Viggo Morrison, a full body massage from those little punks ... Gandalf's kids ... they can walk on my back ... and I want-"
They all turned and walked outside. Bilbo stood up, noting his old man and kids.
"Gandalf!"
"Oh, crap! Bilbo!"
The little hobbit ran and hugged his husband around the waist, bringing a smile to Gandalf's face in spite of himself. He was contented, really. Hobbits really were just the right size.
"God, they make me sick." -hobbit/maiar boy-lets, whining as they watched their parents french like twisted gargoyles.
"I think it's like so romantic!" Legolas, turning and frenching Aragorn, son of someone who has been maggot food for a long time.
Gimli walked into the room and called out to Elrond: "HEY YOU! I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED!"
"I DENY IT! DENY IT! DENY!DENY!DENY!" - Elrond, breaking out a new bottle of scotch.
/... it's good to be home .../ -Aragorn, as he struggled to breathe around Legolas' prehensile tongue.
And then Arwen walked into the room.