Part 14: Well, This is a Pretty Pass

We have certainly come a long way. After all, when we began no one was married, knocked up, dead, or terribly bent out of shape. Now we have Gimli suing Elrond for child support, Gimli suing Aragorn for alienation of affections by stealing Legolas' dowry right under his beady little eyes ... let me see ... ah! ... Bilbo is pregnant again ... I know ... Euwwwww! ... Frodo and the boys are in rehab, Boromir isn't dead yet ... Aragorn is still going to marry Legolas ... Elladan or Elrohir is best man, if they can tell them apart ... Elrond is still drunk and Arwen? Where did we leave her ... oh yeah!

And then Arwen walked into the room.

**********Gandalf ...

I was told what happened later that evening. I had my own hands full with the old lady at the time. Bilbo was feeling a bit frisky after getting his jewelry back and we had to find an empty cabana because the kids were hooting and hollering and calling names.

The little bastards.

"You should have seen it, Dad."

Frodo told me the whole story. All the sorry details of it. Gods bless his little halfwit butt.

"You see, Dad ... while you were shagging Mom by the pool, Arwen was breaking every piece of furniture in her father's den."

"She was?" I exhaled hard. Daisies in a nearby bowl wilted. "Why didn't you get me?"

"We were too busy watching."

HUGE AUDIBLE BLUSH! "I told you never to watch me shag your mother!"

HUGE AUDIBLE GAGGING SOUND! "NOT YOU! ARWEN!"

"You're out of the will, Frodo."

**********Aragorn ...

Its damned amazing how strong a girl can be when her back gets up. She trashed the place and it was all I could do to get out of the way. Having Legolas clinging to my face while I was ducking flying furniture didn't help a bit.

Its not easy being the big strong man in this relationship. If he wasn't easy and loaded, I would dump his butt in a New York minute. If that place existed.

Boromir is starting to look better by the minute.

**********Legolas ...

I climbed Aragorn like a tree and hung on. It was amazing. He never lost his footing. That must be some kind of Dunedain thing I'll never understand but I did ricochet off every wall in the room. I have like *big* bruises all over my butt. I think I'm going to have to do some serious research being married to a man. I wonder if Elrond has that book, "Dunedain Men Are From Gondor, Effeminate Elf Men Wear Elbereth's Clothes"?

**********Frodo ...

I hate being short most of the time but it was a good thing this time because I stood under the piano and watched all the mayhem. Aragorn is sure light on his feet even when he can't see a thing. He sure got slapped and kicked a lot but it couldn't have been a complete loss. After all, he had Legolas' crotch mashed against his face. SIGH! Of all the luck ...

**********Merry ...

I got so hard watching the whole show, I nearly had a cow. Since there wasn't a bovine within thirty miles, I did Pippin instead.

**********Pippin ...

"I hope we go to fights more often."

**********Boromir ...

I just sat and watched. You know, Arwen has a great right cross. I was so turned on I could almost become heterosexual. For a minute or two. Maybe. If there was enough beer.

**********Elrond ...

This day sure went from bad to worse. First, I get a lawsuit from Gimli son of Gloin, grandson of a bitch. That hairy-faced kid is supposed to be mine.

*I DON'T THINK SO*!

Then my daughter, born of a weak moment after a backseat interlude in Gondolin with a *real* girl! decides to trash my den. Why not the hallway? Why not the kitchen? We could have had a *pie* fight for heaven's sake! But no! She broke my entire collection of Precious Moments dollies.

SNIFFLE!

This day has been a bitch.

**********Glorfindel ...

There goes the neighborhood. I suppose this means Thanksgiving at Khazad-Dum.

I'm going to have to put my foot down. I refuse to share Elrond with anyone let alone Gimli, mother of his child. I must check with my union rep.

**********Forty years later ...

Gandalf awoke and smiled, scratching his gut as he slept in a bed waaaaay too small for him. His little woman, Bilbo was curled up in his arm pit and he felt contentment. He'd probably have to shag the little wanker. But first he'd take a whizz.

He rolled over and hung it out.

**********Nearby, in the same house ...

Frodo Baggins-Gandalf awoke in his bed. Of course, there were ten other people in it as well. It appeared that the family had expanded in the past four decades and since all of the boys were homosexual they lived at home with Mom and Dad. There were seventeen youngin's living in the house, the four of them and thirteen more from Dad's incest with his illegitimate son, Samwise. Why he was called that, Frodo didn't know. After all, after thirteen pregnancies, you would think he'd wise up.

Of course, Mom thought Sam was just a project taken on by dear old dad, the pervie hobbit fancier but Frodo knew better. He had to deliver twelve of the little rats himself.

Mom must never know. It would break his heart.

He sighed and turned over, pulling Pippin's toes out of his nostrils and fell asleep.

**********In the King's House, Gondor ...

Aragorn woke up, sighing loudly. Lying next to him in big pink rollers, the ball-and-chain commonly called Queen Legolas -but only behind his back- snored. He rose and padded to the can, dropping a load. After a gargle and a quick shave, he hopped back in bed and began his morning ritual ... morning sex with the old lady while he was sound asleep.

The old lady that is.

Hunched over his one true love, Elf legs draped over his shoulders, Aragorn gave it up for Gondor. Legolas? He slept through the whole thing.

**********Hanging in a yurt in Rohan ...

Boromir sighed, grinning at his luck. Since they didn't go to Mt. Doom, he wasn't dead. In fact, he had come to see the light and had become a guru to the wandering and listless on his little hilltop in Rohan.

People flocked to him to hear the meaning of life as he dispensed wisdom for 50 ducats a session and all the free sex he could con. He lived in his ashram surrounded by his harem and smiled a lot.

/... such is the life ... now that I have one ... poor Aragorn ... he got the ball-and-chain and I got the life .../

"BOROMIRRRR!"

He sighed and considered the only bad thing that he had to deal with. The tent flap parted and in he came, his partner in everything including the occasional flare up of herpes.

"Yes, my little petal?" he asked, smiling in spite of himself.

"Little Petal, my ass. I *have* to talk to you about this costume!"

Boromir of Gondor and parts of Rohan that were in the free trade sector smiled at his lover and fellow refugee from the vagaries of life, Elrond, late of Rivendell. He stood before Boromir, dressed in a costume from the Arabian nights. That is, he wore a slave girl suit complete with veil.

"You look hot, Elrond," Boromir whispered. "Sit on my face for a while."

Boromir got a curved shoe kick in his kidneys and spent the rest of the day peeing red.

**********Rivendell ...

"I sure do like that I'm the head honcho around here," the new Lord of Imladris said, swilling his cocoa and grinning up at his elvish relatives.

"I'm glad that you like being the head cheese for a while, Elroy," Elrohir said, sighing. "I can wear the fillet of Imladris for only so long before I get hat hair."

"Me too," Elladan said, grinning down at his half-dwarf, half-elf, half-witted half brother. He would never get used to blond dwarf-lets with pointed ears. "We will be back soon. Hold down the fort."

With that they both hopped on their llamas and lit out for Dad's ashram somewhere in the Brown Lands of the East.

Elroy, love child of Elrond and Gimli walked into the big house grinning from ear to ear. Walking out to the Council Chamber, he motated toward the Big Chair in the front.

/... heh-heh-heh ... it's mine ... at least until Arwen cools off over dear old dad ... I think I'll sit on it ... where did I put that stool? .../

His feet didn't touch the ground. SNICKER!

**********In an ashram in Rohan ...

The last audience left and Boromir was left alone, finally. Sighing, he relaxed, popping finger food and chips, considering the High Holy Days coming up. He would hold open audiences, Elrond would dance suggestively before doing it with a snake to appease the Gods of Slithering Things and then he would eat lutefisk and lefsa fed to him by the virgin hands of virgins. As soon as they could find some. Of course, they would then retire to an inner sanctum where they would play scrabble and leave libations to St. Olaf, Patron Saint of Hopeless Bastards.

He looked forward to the Holy Days. He had to remain celibate until they were over and then he could slip out with the wife, Elrond and go dirt buggy driving through the Meadows of Mortality which bordered the Pits of Perdition, little known and seldom traveled parts of Middle Earth.

He couldn't wait.

The flap opened and Elrond slumped in, dejected in his harem suit. He sat and rubbed his dogs, sighing with the ignominy of it all.

"This is the dumbest ending of a story that I have ever heard of."

"Consider the upside of it, Elrond ... you don't have to wear robes, sit on a stool and look profound ... you can sit here on my lap, feed me grapes and be a total babe. By the way, dig the cleavage."

"Really?" Elrond asked, momentarily distracted from his funk. Then he frowned and raised an eyebrow. "You're lying. You always lie. You're about as holy as my panties."

"Nice metaphor, considering how much I worship your ass."

"You do?" Elrond asked, pleased and distracted once more.

"Yeah. Get the g-string and fans. I want to see you channel Gypsy Rose Lee again."

Elrond grinned and minced out, happy to be in drag once more. As he did, Boromir sighed and knew that from Rohan to the Undying Lands, he was the only person alive who was master of his own kingdom ...

**********Undying Lands ...

"You can say that again," Elbereth said, turning off Channel 69, the Middle Earth station. She looked at her husband, Manwe, the God of all Gods, bluck, bluck, bluck.

"I don't know how he went from dead to master of his own fate."

"I don't get it either," Elbereth said, switching channels to HBO. "Oz is on. I hope Toby and Keller do it. SIGH!"

"You and me both," Manwe said, sipping his Miller with a smile.

*********Down the hall ...

"I hate grown ups."

"I do too, Athena. I hate parents. Let's go down again and destroy the world."

"'K," Venus said, slipping a frying pan into her mithril girdle. "First dibs on Elrond's wardrobe."

With that, they disappeared into a flash of light.

**********MISCELLANEOUS NOTES AND WHAT NOT ...

Sauron: Felt a lot better about himself finding out that he was Elrond's half sister. However, he died of a sty from not washing his hands. Which he didn't have in the first place.

What comes first? The chicken or the egg?

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Sauron: "I don't know. What is?"

Narrator: "I thought you could tell me."

S: "I don't have any hands."

N: "I know."

Silence for a moment.

S: "I hate you."

N: "That makes it unanimous. Sauron hates the world! SAURON HATES THE WOR-RRLD! SAUR-"

KAZAAMMMMM!

S: "I would smile if I had a face. Heh-heh-heh ... Glad to know I still have it. Some place."

**********The One Ring ...

/... fuck ... is anyone going to pick me up! ... Yoo! Hoo! I'm here! .../

SIGH!

Editor's note: You will find the One Ring in the jewelry box of Liz Taylor tagged and bagged under the label: Relics of my weaker moments. Wedding ring from Eddie Fisher.

And so it ends. I don't understand it either but it was fun. Nice visuals. Good use of punctuation. I would give it a three out of ten. Unless I was a French skating judge, when I would give it a fourteen out of eight. But that's another story.

Sound of wrenching noises as the sets are taken down.

Drunks re-inhabit the alley where this was filmed and quiet hits the mean streets once more...

This space for rent.

Cheap.

*******************************FINIS