Being Alive

Chapter 18

San began to feel a vast unpleasantness as she and her brothers approached the cave they all called home. Her stomach felt like it would shrivel up inside her, and her heart was beating in a rather erratic manner. She knew what waited for her inside that cave, and nothing scared her more than the prospect of facing it. Still, she was not one to back away from what she felt were her duties.

She slowly attempted to dismount her brother, stretching out with her intact leg. Thanks to her impediment, she clumsily struggled before getting off, and picked up the stick she had used for support. Staring straight into the dark hole that served as the entrance to the cave, she gulped.

"San," Kiba said, coming to her side, "do you really want to go in there alone? We said we would stand by you no matter what."

San sighed before responding. "Mother will only be expecting me. I'm sure she has plans for you, but I'm not going to lay blame on anyone else. This whole mess was my fault, and…and I have to take responsibility for it."

The wolf sighed, before letting his adoptive sister go. "As you wish."

"Thank you, Kiba," was all she managed to say before slowly and steadily heading inside the cave.

The sound of her walking stick tapping against the stone ground echoed through the cave with a disturbing resonance. As she moved deeper into her family's domain, she listened for any sign of her mother's presence. Sensing none, she continued, until she came to a spot, which, she remembered, wouldn't leave much more room for the both of them.

"San," a deep, overwhelming voice finally spoke, breaking the tension. San nearly fell back in fear, but maintained her composure. "M-mother?" she quipped, anxiety evident in her voice.

"What have you done, San?" the voice continued, no less intimidating. "What have you done to yourself? To our family? To my trust?"

Though San couldn't see the large wolf she knew was in front of her, the presence was no less felt. Struggling to gather what was left of her resolve, she spoke up. "I did what I felt was necessary, Mother."

"And just where did you get it into your little head that throwing your life away on an idiotic stunt like that was necessary?" her mother growled, sounding more menacing with each breath. "I didn't raise you to be an over-confident fool!"

"I know, Mother! I'm sorry I angered you! But I did not want to sit idly by while that woman continued to lay waste to our home! I know I must sound arrogant when I say this, but I don't regret my actions!"

"Is that so?" she retorted. "Well, I hope you're happy with the result! Not only did you not succeed, but you came back in pathetic shape! Just look at yourself now; you're as helpless as a boar with no legs! And, to top it all off, you were rescued by a loathsome human creature! Such a shame only serves you right, my daughter!"

San's eyes went wide as her mother said this. "What? B-but, how did you know?"

"Do you take me for a fool, San? I wrenched the tale out of Tsume while you and your other brother were sordidly violating our domain's oldest and most sacred law! You brought a human into the forest of the Shishi-Gami, San; a crime that would normally be punishable by death. And I can only wonder what drove you to commit such an insanity!"

"Mother, please! I had a reason! I know it doesn't make much sense, but I had to do something for him! I couldn't just leave him to die!"

"You're wrong, San! You most certainly could have left him to die! In fact, it would have been the more sensible action! You could have left him to the apes and their abnormal hunger! And you certainly didn't have to take him to the sacred realm of the forest spirit! And yet, you did. I was further disappointed when I found out it was the same human that accosted you back at the river yesterday. In addition, your brother said you were rather protective of him when they found the both of you. Did you think you could keep such profane actions from me?"

"No, of course not!" the girl cried. "I was going to tell you, I swear! I just…just…"

"Just what, San?"

"I…just didn't know how to tell you. I'm not entirely sure myself why I saved him, Mother, but…after what he did for me, I couldn't bring myself to leave him. I don't know how to describe it, but this human isn't like what I've come to know about humans. And, well…I just feel I need to understand this human. Even if it does bring me shame."

The girl heard a large exhale of breath in front of her. "I'll never know where you get your reasoning, San. I felt I taught you all you needed to know about humans. And if my word isn't good enough, then I don't know if I can trust you to listen to me any further."

"No, Mother, it's not like that! I've taken to heart everything you've taught me! But, there are still some things I don't understand, and this human is one of them. I don' want you to think I'm betraying your trust."

With a long sigh, the enormous wolf looked at her daughter. "I understand, San. What's done is done, and I suppose continuing this argument won't do us any good. We will retire for what is left of the night."

"And what about tomorrow, Mother?" San asked, tensing up.

"We shall see if the forest spirit has taken mercy on the life of your precious human. If he hasn't, then that will be the end of the matter."

"And…if he has?"

The wolf god sighed again. "The Shishi-Gami has been known to work in mysterious ways. If the boy is still alive, we will take responsibility. Now, off with you. You need the rest."

Sighing, San nodded slowly, and began to trudge out of the cave. When she emerged from the cavernous entrance, he brothers approached her.

"San…we're sorry."

"It's alright, Tsume," she replied.

With a smooth feeling of relaxation, Dante awoke. From the way he woke up, he felt as if the slumber had lasted several years. Stretching his arms, he yawned, and rubbed his eyes. Looking around, he saw he was still somewhere in the forest. Still feeling a bit tired, he laid back down, and closed his eyes again, trying to go back to sleep.

The memories flooding back to him, he bolted up to a sitting position, taking a better look around. If he was in the forest, it was a part of it that he'd never seen before. He was laying on a small island of grass and other plants, surrounded by a near-pitch blackness that went on forever. Slowly standing up, he walked down to the edge of the grass, and reached out his hand into the darkness. His hand penetrated something cold and wet, and Dante realized it was water. Splashing some with his hand, he saw ripple effects in the blackness in front of him. Sitting back down, he sighed.

The last thing he remembered was coming to his senses after the last massacre his curse had wrought. He remembered a sharp pain, finding a large spider on his neck, and then passing out…everything else was a blur.

As he looked down at himself, his mouth dropped open in shock; he'd managed to stand up, walk a few paces, and sit back down again without realizing that he was, in fact, naked. He could feel the brush of the grass against his lower body, and would have enjoyed the feeling were he still not surprised at his predicament. Standing back up, he whipped his head around for any sign of his clothes…and found something that nearly made him faint from shock.

What he saw, to his skyrocketing horror, was his body; his clothed body, lying motionless on its back in the grass, its eyes closed. Walking up to it, he knelt down beside it, and looked closely at its face: it was his body, alright. He knew his own face quite well, and there was no mistaking the dark, unkempt head of red hair that grew from above his face. Dante also noticed the fresh scar on his face the wolf girl had given him earlier that night.

Looking further down the body, he saw the horrible wounds he had received that night: three large, gaping holes through his stomach and chest. Blood that had leaked from the exit wounds on his backside had run freely on the ground, staining the fresh, green grass. Looking back at his face, he saw that he – or rather, his body – was not breathing.

Reaching out to touch his disembodied figure, Dante's mouth fell open when his hand went right through it, as if nothing was there. Pulling his hand back, he noticed something; every time he put his hand within a certain distance of the body, his form became transparent. Inching his hand close once again, he watched as it began to disappear, able to view the motionless body through his own hand.

Sitting down in the grass, he hugged his knees, and began to contemplate his situation…if there was any situation. What's going on? Taking another look at the motionless body next to him, he shuddered. It's as if I've been separated from my body…like a ghost. The thought hit him with enough force that he felt compelled to speak it aloud.

"Am…am I…dead?"

"No," a voice called out from the darkness. "You're still alive, just hanging in limbo."

The youth's eyes went wide, and he sat completely still, staring forward, listening for the voice again.

"Unfortunately, your body won't be able to last much longer," the voice continued.

"Who said that?" the boy responded, still in a seated position.

"I did, young one."

Slowly turning his head, Dante looked to his right, only seeing more darkness.

"Up here, friend."

Following the sound of the voice, Dante slowly turned his head upward to gaze into the trees above him. And there, he saw the source of the voice: a small, brown-and-white owl, sitting on a branch just above the youth. Its eyes were a piercing shade of yellow, and they glowed deeply in the darkness.

"Welcome, Dante," the owl spoke in its deep, calm voice. "I regret that we couldn't meet under better circumstances."

Dante continued to stare into the deep yellow eyes of the nocturnal bird above him. Finally, he managed to speak. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier. My name is Fukuro," he said. "I am a god of the owl clan, and guardian of the forest and ways of the owl."

"Where am I? Why the hell am I naked, and why am I sitting next to my own body?"

"As I said before, you are in limbo. Worldly objects do not exist on this plane, so your clothes are not present. Neither is your curse, for that matter."

Dante looked at his right arm, and noticed that there wasn't a single spot of maroon on his entire body. His arm was as clean as the day he had been born.

Still, he wasn't finished. "Okay then. How can you speak English?" the youth asked. All the sentences either of them had spoken up to that point had, oddly enough, been in the English language.

"I know many things, friend. I learned the language when I began researching your time period, as well as several others. I'm happy to say that I learned much more as well."

Dante stood up. "Like my name," he said. "And the fact that I'm from a different time," he continued. "Pardon my French, but just how the fuck do you know all of this?"

The owl sighed. "I suppose everything's been leading up to this," he said. "I know who you are, traveler of time, because I brought you here."

Dante's mouth hung open in disbelief. Was he dreaming, or had he finally found the answer as to why he was thrown back in time in the first place? A million questions filled his head, and he was eager to get as many of them answered as possible.

"You? You brought me back in time?" he asked. "You brought me back 500 years into the past?"

"That is correct," the owl replied.

Deep inside, Dante felt the smallest spark of hope light up. "If you brought me here, that means you can send me back to my own time, right?" the boy asked. "It only makes sense that if you can travel through time, you can do it both ways. Well?" he said, his eyes wide and hopeful. "Can you send me back home?"

The owl remained silent for a few seconds before answering. "I'm afraid not," he replied. "While I did bring you back to this time, I do not possess the power to send you into the time to come."

Dante stood, a crestfallen look on his face. "What do you mean, you can't?"

"Severing the time stream in order to bring you here was not an easy task, and not something I did entirely on my own. I don't have the power to do it again, and I don't believe that I will be granted another attempt, considering how…controversial it was the first time." He watched as he saw all the hope drain from the look on the youth's face. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" he said. "That's it? That's all you've got?" His voice began to take on a tone of anger. "You take me away from my home, my time, my place, away from everything I held dear…and you throw me back into the dark ages? You shove me in a time where I have to fight just to stay alive, where I don't have any friends or family, where everything around the corner is trying to kill me, where I don't belong…and all you can say is that you're sorry?" He screamed the last line, saliva flying from his open mouth.

Again, the owl hesitated before speaking. "I'm afraid that is all I can say on the matter, my friend. Still, considering your situation in this time, was your own so different?"

A confused look came over the youth's face. "What was that?"

"You speak of how you fight to stay alive in this time, and how you need to keep sharp to avoid being killed…but you come from a time and place where the situation isn't much different."

"What the hell are you…" Dante thought for a second, before realizing what the owl was saying. "Hey, fuck you, pal! That's different, and you know it! I chose what I had in my own time! I didn't choose to be sent back to this time! And who the hell are you to say which situation is better? You're not the one living that life! So don't you even think of trying to tell me where I'm better off!"

"I apologize," Fukuro replied. "It was…arrogant of me to suggest such a thing."

"I don't wanna hear any more stupid apologies!" the youth yelled. "I wanna know what in god's fuckhole possessed you to take me from my home, send me back to a time where I don't belong, and have the fucking gall to tell me that I'm stuck here for good!" Tears started to form in the boy's eyes. "You had no right! Tell me now, or so help me god…"

Falling to his knees, Dante grasped handfuls of the thick grass beneath him, and began to sob in anguish. Tears formed in his eyes before falling in huge drops to the ground. The owl looked on sadly as the boy broke down in tears.

"Why me?" he asked through sobs. "I never asked for any of this…I only wanted to do my job…serve the country the way my father did…be accepted like everyone else…and instead, I get all this?" He buried his face in his arms as he laid, face down, on the grass.

"I'm being punished, aren't I? You and all the other forest gods are pissed about what humans are doing today, so you looked into the future. You saw what we've become in the future, that we're destroying the earth or something, and you brought me back here to make an example of us all, didn't you?"

"Oh no, friend. I certainly didn't bring you back as punishment. I'm sorry you had to go through all this, but I did not mean to make you suffer. And, while many of the forest gods have a low opinion of your kind, we owls think quite the contrary."

Dante slowly sat back up, looking at the nocturnal bird in confusion. "Huh?"

"That's right," Fukuro continued. "I certainly don't think that way about your species, Dante. And neither do the others of my kind. In fact, we're quite fond of the human race, for many different reasons."

Dante was speechless. Ever since he had encountered the massive boar demon during his first moments in the past, he'd seen nothing but contempt and hostility come at him from the forces of nature. The wolves, the boars…they'd all hated humans with an unholy passion. And people like Eboshi had seen that such hatred didn't diminish any time soon. But here was an animal, a spirit, perhaps even a god of nature, that was showing him kindness, and apparently thought he was actually worth something.

"That's…unexpected," the youth stuttered.

"Yes, it is," the owl replied. "It's also gotten us quite a lot of flack in the community, unfortunately. They think we're crazy, if not outright traitors. 'Human-lover' is also a common insult…"

Dante snapped out of his trance of shock long enough to respond. "But this doesn't make any sense," he said. "If you don't hate me, and think I'm so important, why the hell did you bring me back here? What did I do to deserve all this?"

The owl spirit seemed to be expecting this question, for he let out a long sigh before answering.

"I brought you here, young one…because I fear for the future; of all of our species. And I believe you can help."

Dante stood in dumbfounded silence for a few seconds before responding. "What do you mean?"

"I have seen the future," he continued. "And, I fear we are heading in the wrong direction; one that may doom us all in the end. The gods of beasts and nature all fear the inevitable change the future will bring, and the humans are acting recklessly in order to bring the change along. Man and beast need to live and work together in order to bring about a better world, but, instead, they are fighting each other."

The youth continued staring in silence as he listened. "And what do I have to do with all this?"

"You represent an ideal form of humanity, at least in my eyes," Fukuro responded. "A human from a turbulent time period, who understands just how hard and cruel life can be; but still ended up an honest, caring person. I brought you here, to an earlier turbulent time, to make an example of humanity."

Dante raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Make an example?"

"I believe you have the potential to help everyone see the error of their ways; to make peace between man and beast."

"And how the hell am I supposed to do that?" Dante asked abrasively. "You think if I just go out there and tell them all to stop fighting and get along, they'll all just do it? After all the fighting they've done, all the killing and destruction they've inflicted on each other, you think a few choice words from some weird-looking outsider, who's killed some on either side, will get them to make peace and dance around in happiness? That's why you brought me here?"

"I never believed it would be easy for you, but it was most certainly necessary. We had to try."

Dante looked at the owl god. "'We'?"

Fukuro sighed. "The Shishi-Gami and I ultimately made the decision to bring you here," he said. We both felt it was the only thing to do, though I had to work hard to convince him to let me do this."

"What in god's name possessed you to bring me to this time?" Dante asked. "What makes you think I have what it takes to save the world?"

The owl looked down at the youth, and took a deep breath. "It's quite a long story," he said. "But, I suppose I owe it to you to give you the full account. You'll need to understand why you mean so much to us…"

And, with that, the owl god began his story. Dante decided to get more comfortable, and sat down cross-legged on the grass.

"It's unknown just how long the gods of nature and beasts have been around. Some say we go back to the dawn of time. Some believe we were merely beasts in the beginning, but that we evolved over time. Nonetheless, the gods of this land have been around for hundreds of thousands of years, if not millions. We've seen the land change over time, and we've seen several species of beast come and go.

"However, my own species has evolved a bit differently than most, at least those of us who are gods. While most beasts, such as the boars, wolves, bears, apes, foxes, hawks, deer and several others live their lives in their own distinct ways, they generally live passively. They interact with each other on occasion, but mostly keep to themselves, living life the same way, over and over. Eat, sleep, play, love; it's the same cycle of life for all of them.

"We owls might have lived like that in the past, but, as far as I can remember, we've seen the world a bit differently than our fellow beasts. We like to pay attention to the changes that are happening around us. As I've said, we've seen several different animals and plants come into existence, and disappear, over the years. Each new species caught our interest, and we made a point to learn about them. We would watch as the land would change over the years, and keep these memories recorded through speech and song. After living with this habit for a while, we decided to dedicate ourselves to the study of knowledge, and learn as much as we could about that which surrounded us. With each passing generation, the stories and fables would be passed down to the next, with the gods of our species learning the utmost amount of knowledge to make sure none of it would ever be forgotten. To us, life was something more than to be lived; it was something to be studied, experienced, and understood.

"And for a long time, we did just that. We watched as new lives were created, watched them live, and watched them go. However, most of what we saw was quite constant with the rest of nature. Most animals would live their lives in the same passive fashion that all the others had. And the changes the land underwent had become predictable. Life didn't change much.

"Then, several thousand years ago, a new species appeared; one that would leave an everlasting impact on all of us, and the world as we know it.

"This species, called man, when it first appeared, was similar to the ape in many ways. It walked primarily on its hind legs, and used its upper appendages for other purposes, such as digging, and procuring food. Like other beasts, it would eat plants and fruits that grew from the earth, or hunt for smaller, weaker animals. And it would reproduce and live life like any other animal or beast.

"However, as time passed, we noticed that man was not like the other beasts. He would do things we'd never seen any other animal do before. When he hunted, he would use rocks, sticks, or other tools from the earth to aid in his capture of a meal. While apes did similar things, man took it a step further, and created a weapon ideal for capturing food: he would carve a stone until it was sharp, and tie it to the end of a long stick to use as a hunting tool. While he would eat food that grew from the ground and from trees, he soon found out how to grow it for himself, and would cultivate it in much larger quantities, and be able to feed more of his own kind. And, instead of fearing and avoiding fire like all other animals, man would learn to harness it, and use it to his advantage, keeping warm in conditions that would have killed him otherwise. Needless to say, this species had caught our interest in a way we never believed possible. Man was an ambitious creature, and sought to improve himself in every way. Every new thing humans would create, every new idea they would come up with was a moment of joy and excitement for us owls. We live for knowledge and the study of life, and man was giving us more to learn about than we had ever hoped for.

"Though, honestly, the creation of man that has most gained our love and respect over time was the written word. Previously, man would record history and knowledge in the ways we did, through fable and song. However, the idea that one could mark visual symbols that could be read as knowledge and preserved for all time was simply stunning. We owls even adopted the practice as soon as we had studied it. Soon, humans were everywhere, growing faster than any other beast. And, with each passing year, they were learning something new, and some way to improve on their ideas from the past. Man was not passive; he moved forward. And us owls were watching with enormous interest the whole time.

"However, as time went on even further, we noticed that not everything humans did made us smile. Man would hunt for food, but sometimes he would hunt too much, and kill more than he needed. He would grow food, but he might cut down too many trees, or burn too much land. And, while other beasts were certainly not above petty conflict, it would happen with humans quite more often. Humans seemed to understand more about life and supposed morals, and, as such, were all the more likely to break them. It seemed that, with man's gifts of ambition and intelligence, there also came harsh flaws of excess and malice. Mankind had a much bigger impact on nature than the other beasts did, for better or worse. And, as time went on, we would come to notice the worse.

"After centuries upon centuries of living with humans and all the impact they had brought, the gods and beasts of the land felt they had to make a decision about the human race. They felt that, with humans rapidly expanding into the lands around them, the survival of their own species was threatened. There was much debate and squabble between the gods and their clans. Finally, one hundred years ago, all the beast gods of this land met to decide, once and for all, what to do about humanity, with the Shishi-Gami, the oldest and wisest of us all, overseeing the event.

"Many species, especially the boars, felt the only way to deal with them was all-out war and extermination. They felt humans were an abomination of nature, eating away at the harmony of the status quo. As far as they were concerned, it was us or them. The wolves and bears were similarly militant, though the wolves were not quite as vocal about it. The apes were just as afraid of man's advances as the others, but didn't think they stood a chance in a fight. Many of them believed the end was indeed coming. Other beasts were not quite as hostile towards humans, but none were too fond of them.

"None except us, that is. I remember that meeting well, and we stood out amongst all the other gods as the ones to stick up for the human race. We acknowledged mankind's excesses, but believed those flaws were just an evolutionary step towards the creation of an ideal race. We believed that man would become the species to bring ambition and knowledge in harmony with nature and the gods. We tried to convince them of our vision with all that we had learned. Of course, the more vocal beasts, such as the boars and apes, found our habits of study to be quite blasphemous towards their strict code of life, and didn't listen to us. We failed to convince them on our knowledge alone, and the vote looked like it would be no contest. In a move of desperation, I begged the Shishi-Gami to grant me a use of his power to look into the time stream, and glimpse the future. I truly believed we would see a time when humanity had outgrown their flaws, and managed to become one with nature, with other animals and beasts learning from their example. I all but promised the Deer God such a result, and he granted me the chance to glimpse the time to come.

"With this new power, I gazed years, centuries, millennia into the future. And what I saw amazed me. Mankind had indeed grown with time, as had his ideas. Humans had, among other things, learned to fly; to harness the power of lightning and turn it into a source of energy for countless inventions; to push agriculture far beyond its original limits, using it to feed more and more people. Mankind had taken exploration to new heights, exploring the highest points and deepest depths of the planet, and had even gone beyond that, taking to the stars. And they had learned more about the world and their surroundings than we had ever dreamed possible. The achievements this wonderful species had made were nothing short of astounding.

"However, what I saw also frightened me. For all his improvements, and improvements there were, man's flaws had also grown. Far from learning his own limits when it came to excess, mankind only seemed to crave more as time went on, allowing greed and misplaced ambition to cloud his judgment. Much of mankind became more and more desensitized to the world around them, losing themselves in a world of materialism and excess. And, though war and conflict happened less often in the time to come, it seemed to happen on a greater scale. Though most humans were the kind, loving creatures we had come to know in our time, they had an awful habit of choosing the absolute worst among them as leaders. Fear and ambition in times of war led to disastrous inventions of death and destruction that only increased the likelihood that the human race might destroy itself, as well as the world around them.

"Feeling defeated, I returned to my normal consciousness to deliver my report to the Shishi-Gami. Though it broke my heart to do so, I could never lie to the forest spirit; I told him the truth of what I saw, and that I wasn't as optimistic as I had been. The other forest gods were not swayed, and the decision was final. From then on, the gods of nature have been at a state of war with humanity. I lost all hope, and returned to my normal life.

"However, I didn't give up. Several years later, I returned to the Shishi-Gami in secret, and asked for a favor: I wanted to attempt to save both our kind and the human race. I still felt humans could achieve what I had always thought they could, and wanted to give them another chance. When he asked me how I could change the future, I told him an example needed to be set. Humanity needed to be put on the correct path if they were to avert the worst of what the future would bring. And, to do that, I felt it necessary to bring an example of humanity from that time period. The forest spirit was very reluctant to interfere with the time stream, as he thought it could rupture the very nature of time itself. And it would be several more years before I finally convinced him, but he eventually agreed. Although not as enthused about your kind as we owls were, he didn't want to see the human race destroyed any more than I did. We kept the whole operation secret from the other gods and beasts, and I searched the time stream for a suitable candidate. And, I found you."

Dante sat, not having moved an inch since the owl started talking. He was once again left speechless, and remained so for several minutes. Finally, he spoke up.

"So…what do I do now?"

The owl sighed. "I'm afraid I don't know, friend. The burden you carry is a heavy one, and I hope that you are still able to wield it. But, considering all that you've been through, I don't feel right in asking you any further." Sighing again, he looked at the youth, his yellow eyes piercing those of the boy. "I will, however, ask that you do not give up hope. You may be cursed, but there is a chance at salvation. The Shishi-Gami is very benevolent indeed, and he holds the same belief in you that I do."

A light wind passed through the trees, and Dante could feel the breeze across his naked body. Looking around for a bit, the owl turned back to the youth. "It will be morning soon. The Shishi-Gami will be coming to grant your life back. I must leave you now."

The boy's eyes went wide. "Wait, what do you mean? What's gonna happen to me?"

"Relax, friend. Your time has not come yet. The forest spirit will revive your body shortly. And please, consider what I said earlier, Dante. You are our last hope. Until we meet again." And, with that, the owl disappeared into the shadows.

Dante ran forward. "Wait, hold on! Where are you going?" He looked around, but the nocturnal bird was nowhere to be found.

"Dammit. What did he mean by that? There was still so much…"

He couldn't finish the thought, for he was pulled into a very deep sleep. Everything went dark, and he knew no more.

Hope you enjoyed that. Review if you can, and look forward to the next chapter.

Music for Chapter 18

San and Ashitaka in the Forest of the Deer God by Jo Hisaishi (Mononoke Hime Soundtrack)
L'America by the Doors