Ahem! Disclaimer Thingamabob-I do not own any recognized characters. They belong to Carroll and Burton. I doubt they care if I use them, though.

A Mad Wonderful World

Chapter Five Courtship and Deception

Stayne chuckled quietly as he observed Corporal Blanchard. He was standing in front of a mirror in the Barracks, methodically brushing his uniform. He had washed and combed his hair, and cleaned the dirt from the roads off his face. Stayne couldn't help but notice the bouquet of flowers that lay on the nearby table. He decided to make his presence known, and gently cleared his throat. Blanchard jumped, then relaxed. Stayne smirked.

"You seem a bit jumpy, Corporal. Planning on meeting someone, are you?"

Blanchard blushed. "I was going to take Miss Kingsley on a picnic, Sir. Do you think she would like that?"

Stayne grinned. "I think she would find it most enjoyable. But Corporal, a word of warning. She is an Overlander, and their courtship rituals are a bit different than ours. Miss Margaret may not be as…open…as some of the other ladies you've known. So don't you try to seduce her."

Blanchard gaped at him in shock. "I would never! I can assure you, Captain, when it comes to her my intentions are nothing but honorable. Why, I will not even hold her hand unless I am given her permission. She is far too much of a Lady."

Stayne clapped him on the shoulder. "Then all I can say is have fun on your picnic."

Blanchard grinned widely. "Yes Sir, I will Sir. Thank you Sir." He hurriedly left the barracks, heading for the palace. He smiled as he saw Margaret standing on the steps. "Miss Kingsley, I am once more delighted by your presence." He kissed her hand, and Margaret smiled.

"Thank you, but I insist on being called Margaret. Miss Kingsley is far too formal. I am curious to know what you have planned for today."

Blanchard smiled. "I was hoping that we might go on a picnic. Thackery has a basket ready for us, and I know some wonderful spots in the gardens. Would that be agreeable to you, Margaret?"

Margaret blushed. "That would be most agreeable…Thomas." Blanchard grinned, and then went inside to get the basket from Thackery. He returned, and offered Margaret his arm. "My Lady, if I might be allowed to escort you to a lovely picnicking spot?"

She giggled, and looped her arm in his. "I would be most delighted, Corporal."

He beamed, and led her down the path to a large clearing surrounded by rose bushes. Margaret gave a gasp of delight, bent down to sniff a large red one, and pulled back in shock when she heard an angry exclamation. She gawped at the rose, and it sniffed haughtily.

"Well, really! Such impertinence! Smelling me without so much as a by-your-leave! It's appalling, that's what it is. Simply appalling!"

Margaret stammered, unable to speak. The rose glared at her. "Well, aren't you going to apologize for your extremely rude behavior?"

"I…I…" she stammered, shocked, and the rose huffed.

"I can see that you have no sense of manners or propriety. But really, you have a very common, ill mannered look about you, so I cannot really say that I am surprised."

Margaret took a deep breath, stung at the insult. Blanchard, who had been spreading the blanket, looked over at the bed and spoke sharply to the rose.

"You watch your tongue, flower, or I'll pick you! Miss Margaret is a Lady, and while she is here I expect you to treat her with respect. Is that clear?"

The rose blanched in anger. "How…dare…you call me flower! I am not a mere common flower! I am a talking rose! One of the last left and I will be treated with respect!"

Blanchard rolled his eyes. "Lady Stayne was right about you talking flowers. You're all too bloody conceited for your own good. Now, be a good flower and do shut up before you end up on the rubbish heap." He smiled at Margaret. "There are not too many talking flowers left, and the ones that are live mostly in this garden. They're quite conceited, and nobody pays much attention to them anymore. So do not be offended by anything that you hear from them."

Margaret nodded. "I shan't. But I must say, it is still a bit of a shock. The flowers at home never talked. At least, I'm quite sure they didn't."

Blanchard smiled. "There's a reason for that. Put your hand on the ground."

Margaret did so. "It's very hard."

"Right. You see, in Overland, all the flower beds are very soft, so the flowers are asleep all the time. Here, they're kept awake by the hardness of the soil."

Margaret smiled in understanding. "I see." She straightened up, and walked over to Blanchard. "Now, you said something about a picnic?"

Blanchard beamed and escorted her to the blanket. "I did, My Lady. I do hope you find Underland food to your liking."

"I'm certain I will find it most enjoyable." Margaret told him, blushing.

Alannah was walking through the gardens, gathering herbs when she heard the unmistakable sound of laughter. She crept closer to the sound, and grinned when she noticed Margaret and Blanchard engaged in an animated conversation. 'Good for you, Meggie,' she thought fondly. She had never quite forgotten the appalling way Lowell Manchester had treated her. 'He does not deserve someone as wonderful as you.'

Blanchard leaned in, kissing Margaret gently on the cheek, and Alannah grinned wider at the blush that came over her face. She continued down the path, humming softly to herself. 'Good for you, Meggie', she thought again.

She sat under a tree to take inventory, and grinned as she heard Margaret laugh. She had a wonderful laugh, very clear, and Alannah wondered if she had ever laughed around Lowell. She doubted it-Lowell had seemed to her a singularly dour fellow, unable to see amusement in anything. She shut her eyes, relaxing, and smiled when she felt someone sit next to her. "Hello, Ilosivic." She opened her eyes briefly, and gazed over at him. "If you've come to make sure Blanchard is behaving, you needn't bother. He is being a perfect gentleman."

Stayne laughed. "No, I already told him to behave. Besides, if Margaret is anything like her sister, she's more than capable of warding off unwelcome advances. So I'm not too worried. I actually came looking for you."

Alannah smirked. "I'm flattered, but Margaret and Blanchard are only a few feet away, and you seem to love making me scream. Of course, we could try to be totally silent…."

Stayne chuckled, and then kissed her. "Believe it or not, I actually didn't come for that. I have another reason. Alice, Tarrant and I were talking, and Alice is afraid that Lowell might come looking for Margaret and try and bring her back to Overland, and perhaps even put her in…Bedlam, was it?" Alannah nodded. "So we decided to try and come up with a way to assure that he would never come looking for her." At Alannah's pointed look, he hastily continued. "Nothing fatal! We were thinking of writing a letter and having her sign it. Do you think she'd agree to a bit of deception?"

"What sort of deception?"

Stayne looked over at Margaret, who had walked over arm in arm with Blanchard. She smiled guiltily. "We could not help but overhear you. What sort of deception did you have in mind?"

Stayne and Alannah grinned wickedly, and Stayne explained the scheme to Margaret. She agreed whole-heartedly, and promised to meet them, along with Alice and Tarrant, at their cottage. Alannah gave her directions, and they parted ways. After Margaret and Blanchard left, Alannah delighted Stayne by climbing into his lap and kissing him rather passionately. "We don't have to be silent anymore."

Stayne growled and pushed her onto the grass.

Margaret knocked on the door of the Staynes' cottage. "Come in!" a voice called, and she opened the door and stepped into the loveliest little house she had ever seen. The furniture was mismatched, but cleaned and polished to a high sheen. A large couch sat against the far left wall, and a mahogany dining table stood in the middle of the room. Seated at the table were Alannah, Stayne, Alice, and Tarrant. Alice smiled at her.

"Hello, Meggie. Did you have a good time with Blanchard today?" At Margaret's surprised blush, she laughed. "There's not much chance at keeping secrets in Underland. We're all delighted for you."

Margaret smiled softly and came over to sit next to Alice. "Where are the children? I was looking forward to finishing my fascinating talk with Katarina about Overland desert." She had met Katarina at the Tea Party, and the young girl had latched onto her, chattering away, asking question after question. Margaret had thoroughly enjoyed talking to her, and had been equally as delighted in Michael. He wasn't quite as garrulous as his sister, but he had a smile that could light up even the darkest room. Margaret had observed that he was going to be quite the catch when he grew older.

Alannah smiled. "Chessur and Mally are keeping an eye on the little ones, with Katarina's help of course. They're at Alice and Tarrant's house. We thought it best they not be here, since this is grownup talk. Tarrant, sit down."

Alice and Margaret burst into laughter as Tarrant flopped back into his seat with a pout. "I am not a grown up, Alannah." He huffed. Alannah rolled her eyes.

"I know, but you will just have to endure for a bit. Then I promise you may go back to being the Mad Hatter."

Tarrant frowned. "Verra well. Get on wif it."

Alannah smirked, answering in her brogue. "I shall, 'Atter. But per'aps first ye could explain tae Meggie why we're talkin' like this. She's a bit surprised."

Tarrant smiled, and then looked at Margaret, who was indeed staring at him in surprise. "Alannah and I are both fluent in a language known as Outlandish. It causes our accents to change. My Outlandish accent is the equivalent of Scottish in Overland, while hers would be considered-Irish, I believe."

Margaret nodded. "Yes. In fact, were she not an Underlander, I would swear she was Irish. They tend to have red hair and very fiery tempers."

Stayne chuckled. "That's my Alannah." He winced as Alannah smacked his arm. "See. Fiery temper."

Alannah glared at him. "Perhaps we could move on to the reason why we are all here?" Everyone nodded, and she smiled. "Good. Now, as you all know, Margaret Manchester, or as she prefers, Margaret Kingsley, arrived here two days ago, and seems to be fitting in rather nicely. However, there is a snag. She left her slurvish husband up in Overland, and it may only be a matter of time before he comes looking for her. Meggie, would he know where to look for you?"

Margaret gulped. "Yes. I told him once when I was angry with him that the next time he deceived me I was going to jump down the Hole and be with Alice. He dismissed it as temper, but I am very certain he knows where the Rabbit Hole is."

Alice frowned. "But why would he come looking for you? Surely he'll be glad to know you are gone. He'd be able to carry on as he pleased, without having to worry about you ever finding out."

Margaret laughed scornfully. "Oh, he would never do that. You see, there is something I have that he would be most loath to part with. Money." At Alice's shocked look, she grinned savagely. "You probably did not know that I am the wealthy one in the marriage. I invested the inheritance I got from Father, and I am very careful in my expenditures. I had some help from Lord Ascot after you left, and he showed me how to best manage my affairs. Lowell, on the other hand, is almost completely broke from managing his…affairs." She smiled sadly. "So you see, he cannot afford to lose a source of income. Even the money he earns at the office is spent foolishly."

Stayne shook his head in disgust. "He sounds like a real slurking urpal…"

"Ilosivic! Language!" Alannah scolded him, and he looked contrite. She grinned savagely. "But you're right, he certainly is."

Margaret blinked in confusion. "What does…what does that mean?"

Alannah shook her head. "It's a very foul Underland curse. In full, it's slurking urpal slackush scrum. But moving on past Underland curses, Meggie-we've put together a letter for you to send to Lowell. See if you approve."

She pulled a folded sheet of paper out of her dress pocket, and slid it across the table. Margaret unfolded it, and read the letter, grinning wickedly.

Lowell,

I am sorry to tell you this but I have decided that you do not deserve someone as unworthy as me. I have given it much thought, and I have decided to grant you the one thing I know you have always wanted. A divorce. You would not know my attorney. He was recommended to me by a dear friend, and he has promised utmost discretion. You will most likely receive the papers in a fortnight. I have already signed them, and I have legally changed my name back to Margaret Kingsley. I shall tell everyone that it was your idea, so as to not cause undo scandal in Society, but I must ask that you never try to contact me ever again. I know we will both be much happier apart. Take care of yourself.

Margaret.

P.S. I have transferred all my money to a different bank. You will no longer be able to draw on my savings. I do hope this won't inconvenience you too terribly.

Margaret giggled. "It's perfect, and Lowell will be too busy getting the runaround from the bank to worry about anything else. We have separate accounts, you see, and I'm the only one allowed into mine. The bank knows to refuse him access without my written permission."

Alice extended a pen to her. "All we need is your signature, and then we can send the letter."

Margaret signed, and Alannah took it, sealing it in an envelope. "What's the address to Lowell's office?"

"1321 Fleet Street, London."

Alannah addressed the envelope, then walked over to the fireplace and tossed the letter up the chimney. "1321 Fleet Street, London, Overland." Margaret watched in amazement as the letter flew upwards, and then looked over at Alice.

"Is that how you got your letters to me?" Alice nodded, and she laughed. "No wonder they kept coming out of the fireplace in my room."

She smiled, and began conversing with the Underlanders. She hoped that Lowell would be satisfied with the letter and leave her alone. She was having a perfectly wonderful time in this mad world.

Author's Note-What will Lowell do when he gets the letter? Will he come to Underland? Will he get Margaret back or just get his comeuppance? Stay tuned and you'll find out.