It was the only passing thought I had before dread invaded me and I raced for a telephone.
It was already ringing when I picked it up, and her tone when she did was no better than before. "It hasn't changed," she whispered. "We're leaving, a little early, Bella. Please don't argue." I realized I didn't have a reasonable plan to offer her, and instead begged her for half an hour to send me news as soon as she deemed it safe to do so, collapsing in to tears; I would see a brief reprieve, feel deluded, and cry again, over and over. I tried to do it quietly, so that Charlie wouldn't hear.
"I can't see you, Bella," she whispered, despair robbing her of any inflection. "I can't keep in contact with you, not knowing whether or not you'll be monitored…used to find me…" She trailed off. I surrendered the begging and prepared to launch in to a desperate series of illogical scenarios—we'll siege Volterra, we'll send Carlisle to the UN, isn't there anything, anything more valuable than you to these creatures—when she cut me off. "Bargaining is one of the five stages of grief, Bella." I wanted to laugh and to cry. I wanted this to disappear. Manic plots and delusions flew through my mind, and then they all stopped as something else she said wound its way tonelessly in to my ear. "Edward is…flickering."
"What are you talking about, Alice? Are you trying to distract me—seriously, I know you're brilliant, isn't there anything, any way at all—"
"I can't see him all the time," she cut me off. In spite of the horror of our situation, she was genuinely curious about this. "There are parts of his future that look like…yours," she sighed. "Vanished. Flickering in and out." We were quiet.
"What could that mean?" I almost swore with frustration—each day had new mysteries that my futile, human mind could hardly expect to resolve. My fingernails dug in to my palms, the tears drying on my cheeks. Alice sighed again.
"I have no idea," she whispered. "But I think it means he's going to stay with you." One breath, two breaths, three breaths. I knew she was going to say goodbye next. "Please take care of my brother, Bella," she whispered. "Don't let him hurt himself, doing some ridiculously noble, unnecessary thing." One more brief pause. "I love you." The line clicked. Dial tone.
Goodbye, Alice.
I sank to my knees. I hadn't had enough sleep to cope with grief; I hadn't had five minutes outside of the rollercoaster Jake and I had been on to even try to think of a plan. I had nothing to offer and the failure literally took my breath away. Alice on fire. A round, bright moon.
I picked up the phone and dialed, finding the number scrawled on the back of the ancient phone book tucked beneath the bread bin. A weary voice answered, I crossed my fingers, and then Leah was on the phone.
"I wasn't sure you'd be home," I said. I heard her wry exhale.
"Well, I usually prefer to wander the streets like a vagrant," she began, but stopped when she didn't hear me laugh. "So what's the battle strategy, vamp-tramp?" She asked. Her voice was low, and although the words were stinging I recognized the grudging respect behind them, and even the kindling of friendship. It helped. I steadied myself.
"You weren't kidding when you said you would help, were you?" I realized I'd been hoping she'd have something to offer me. It took her a second to answer.
"Kidding? I'm not much of a kidder," she muttered. "Sam isn't exactly overjoyed that I was so enthusiastic about helping out a bunch of what we're supposed to drive out of existence," she said, and I could feel the epic eye roll that accompanied that sentence through the phone line. "If you've got something brilliant though, I'll tell him to stuff it." Leah meant it, I knew. Of course, we both also knew that if he wanted to over rule her, all it would take was a word.
"They left already," I said. My broken voice betrayed my sadness. I waited for her to mock me, but silence wrung through the line instead.
"Really? Just like that?" Her surprising sympathy washed over me. "That's awful, all three of them? God, if this wasn't scary before—"
"Well," I said thoughtfully, "Alice and Jasper are gone." I sighed, still waiting for her hard words, the clever twist of the knife, and yet stayed on the line for some reason. "I think…I think Edward may still be here."
"Of course," she said. The grin in the phrase registered with me, and then it was my turn to roll my eyes. "How could he leave? I'm sure you and Jake put on such a great show last night—"
"What?!" I almost dropped the phone. She'd continued talking right over my exclamation.
"—probably sat in the woods with a video camera—"
"—Leah, shut the hell up!" She did. For a second.
"Relax, Bella," she smirked. "That's like, the eighth table to get destroyed in there. Although the chair too, that was a nice touch." I was so embarrassed I was sure my entire blood content had swarmed to the surface of my skin. The hand that wasn't holding the phone was clamped over my mouth. "I have to say, I'm surprised that sex is even possible with a mutt Jake's size…Bella? Bella are you there?"
"No, I am not here." I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed that this was another scene in my elaborate nightmares.
"Bella, I'm just teasing you. That really is the millionth table to be smashed or crushed or humped to dust in there, don't worry about it—"
"I'm moving back to Phoenix."
"Bella, jeeeez—have you met Paul? How about Quil? Listen, it's not a big deal unless you act like this, and then I'm just never going to be able to shut up about it. Let's get back on topic. Vampires. Bella? Bella?"
I didn't know what to do with myself—she was right. Jacob had rejoined their pack, and I had known, whether or not I remembered last night, what that would mean for anyone consenting to a relationship with a wolf. Perhaps I'd imagined the images Edward found so hard to decipher would somehow remain veiled to the pack. I cursed myself for being foolish enough to behave that way, so reckless, completely out of control…and that lead me to remembering the entire evening, and then I found I didn't care. If the price of love was going to be broken furniture and witty cracks from his pack sister, I would pay it every time.
We moved on to talk about when we could meet to discuss the latest horror and plan accordingly. I suspected Leah like me quite a lot, actually, and without my asking she suggested another restaurant, far from Emily's. When I hung up the phone I was startled to see my father leaning against the wall behind me. Concern battled with pride on his face, and I looked at him questioningly.
"Phoenix, Bella?" He asked. I laughed before I realized he was serious.
"Leah is such a cornball, Dad," I said by way of explanation, and moved past him to try and wring some usefulness out of the day. Talking to Leah had cheered me; I suspected the prospect of plotting with a friend was really the source—the idea that an easy solution was sitting just out of reach, but, our forces combined, it would seem woefully simple bandaged the mixture of disbelief and pain Alice's departure left. For one, I would still have friends. For another, I had hope; my words to Jacob echoed back to me. I have faith.
What stage of grief is that, Alice, I thought fleetingly, and then just as abruptly some of it was shed when I heard her quiet rebuttal. Denial.
The splash of realism hardened my resolve. My body felt as though my skeleton were melting inside of my muscles; I would rest and heal myself today. Tomorrow, we'd see how denial could withstand the kind of desperation love could produce.
If Charlie knew I'd left last night, he gave no indication. My body felt fractured in places; Jacob's size and strength aside, I knew I was paying the price any human would for venturing so long in to the land of vampires and wolves. I spent the day—the part of it I was awake for—taking a leisurely bath and doing laundry, rearranging the kitchen and making a lasagna before I sat comfortably with my father while we folded clothes after dinner, the television creating a companionable bubble of sound in our quiet living room. Darkness fell quickly and I knew that I'd sleep just as deeply tonight. My bones crackled in protest every time I sat up too fast. Charlie graciously declined to comment, and went to bed around nine. I tried to wait until ten and found my eyes closing of their own accord, sighed, and started the arduous climb upstairs.
I got halfway up before Jacob silently appeared in front of me. He wordlessly picked me up and laid me in bed in a tenth of the time it would have taken me to walk.
"Jake, I have to brush my teeth," I whispered, and he picked me up again, silent, and crept to the bathroom. I rocked on my heels while he got the toothbrush ready, and then watched him while I spun it absently around in my mouth. His dark eyes were careful as he watched me. He had yet to speak. When I finished, I shot a ridiculous, sud filled smile at him before I spat the toothpaste out, and his shoulders shook as he laughed silently and bit his lip. There it was again--so much sweet vulnerability in that one, subconscious movement, so cute it was criminal. I quickly rinsed my mouth out and planted a kiss on Jake before he was done laughing, pressing myself into him until I felt his pulse in his tongue. His arms wrapped around me and in the next instant, I found myself flat on my back on my bed, his massive, heated frame tumbled next to me like my own personal mountain range. I caught my breath when I felt his smooth, heated fingertips lightly tracing my face.
"You cut your nails!" I gasped. Jake grinned and kissed me again, fumbling with my clothes. I let him undress me, then sighed petulantly when he started pulling fresh pajamas over my mildly resistant limbs. He kissed my bottom lip deliberately as I pushed it out in a defiant pout. So much for relying on my restraint.
"Goodnight Bells," Jake whispered, his fingers once again stroking my hair. Under his gaze I felt my eyes closing, time slipping away again. I turned my back and curved in to him, unconsciousness mercilessly debilitating me just as I felt one final, tender kiss on the back of my neck. A surreal landscape rife with ruin waited for me in my dreams.