Chapter XII: Christmas Wishes

'Say, how many years were you Potions master at Hogwarts?'

Severus put down the chopping knife and looked up at Cassandra, who was leaning casually against the doorframe, a broad grin on her face. There had been a time when he could have answered that question with the exact amount of days, hours, even minutes, but nowadays he was content with saying: 'Almost two decades. Why do you ask?'

'I was just wondering if I can really leave you alone with that stew. Wouldn't want you to poison anyone the day before Christmas.'

The grin on Cassandra's face grew – if possible – even broader as Severus shot her a poisonous look. How dare she have a stab at his cooking skills? Hadn't he, over the last two months, proven that he could cook if he wanted to?

He cocked an eyebrow at her and decided to play along and play dumb. 'Now, my dear, the recipe says that I have to add one chopped onion. Would that be with the peel or without?' His voice was dripping with irony, and Cassandra burst into laughter before she threw the dishrag at him. He caught it in midair, and it took him only two swift strides to reach her and press her up against the doorframe with his body.

'Is that all you have got, witch?' he growled into her ear only a split second before he let the tip of his tongue slip over the sensitive skin just under her earlobe. He heard her moan softly and moved his hands to cup her breasts. He felt his body react to her warmth, and he would have taken her right there against the doorframe had not the front door burst open at that exact moment.

'Tsk, tsk, tsk, you two. No snogging in the kitchen,' sounded Per's cheerful voice from the hall. 'Firstly, you shouldn't do it because it is not very hygienic. And secondly, you can't do it because there isn't any mistletoe in sight. I'd know, because they are still lying in a box in my car.'

Cassandra laughed loud enough for Per to miss the curses Severus was muttering under his breath. Did this Muggle copy of Lucius Malfoy have to show up half an hour early?

'I'll go get that box,' Cassandra said, still laughing. 'I have to go pick up Aunt Minerva at the bus station anyway. You,' she pointed at Per, 'make sure that Severus doesn't burn down the kitchen while I'm out.'

She dodged the dishrag that came flying in her direction and left, her laughter still hanging in the air.

'What are you making?' Per wondered, eying Severus' cutting board with interest.

'Venison stew,' Severus replied and went back to chopping vegetables.

'Sweet.' Per seemed overjoyed. 'Will this be the Scottish dish on our Christmas potluck? I brought pickled herring.'

Severus raised an eyebrow at the blond man. Was he expecting praise now?

'Nice of Cassy to invite us lonely souls for an early Christmas dinner,' Per continued. He didn't seem to notice Severus' disinterest in making small talk. 'I mean, since my wife walked out on me, I have nowhere else to go. And Cassy's aunt doesn't seem to have too much company either.'

Severus gave a noncommittal grunt and pulled open a drawer to take out a ladle.

'Looks like you find your way around Cassy's kitchen quite well nowadays,' Per went on, and Severus sighed inaudibly. Did that man never shut up?

'You've been spending a lot of time here lately, haven't you, Severus?'

'Do you have any problem with that?' Severus snapped, slamming the drawer shut.

'God forbid, no,' Per exclaimed, raising his hands in a defensive gesture. 'On the contrary. You have no idea how glad I am that you two have found each other. You're good for Cassy, you know. I don't think I have seen her that happy in years. Not since Thorbjörn and the baby ...'

Severus put down his knife to look at the other man. 'How did Cassandra handle the death of her husband?'

'Not well, not well at all.' Per was rubbing his hands. He was obviously not comfortable talking about that specific topic. 'The day I kicked in her front door, she had neither slept nor eaten for days. And if I hadn't come … it was awful. She had already written a note and laid out Thorbjörn's shaving knife in the bathroom. I think she had just been waiting for the right time.'

Severus swallowed dryly. He had not anticipated this. He knew that Cassandra had grieved deeply for her husband and her child. But over the six months he had known her, she had seemed so strong to him, so confident. He could not believe that she had even considered taking her life.

'How did she go on?' he asked.

Per shrugged. 'There were good periods and there were bad ones. She could go for weeks without showing any signs of depression, even months. And then suddenly it would hit her again, and she would just lose it, sink to the floor and cry.'

Severus nodded. He had seen one of those anxiety attacks in his flat in the beginning of November.

'You are good for Cassy, Severus,' Per repeated. 'I haven't seen her that carefree and happy in years.'

Severus let the blond man pat his shoulder without really noticing it. There was a strange feeling in his heart, a feeling he didn't recognise. It was a warm and cosy feeling, and he had no idea what it was.

Once more, Per patted his shoulder. 'You're a good man, Severus. A really good man.'

Per poured himself a glass of wine, and Severus went on chopping the ingredients for the stew. Neither of them spoke, and the only sound that could be heard in the kitchen was Nicodemus' soft purring. Then Severus recognised the feeling that was warming his heart: he was proud, proud of that fact that he had been able to do something good for another person. And that knowledge was the best Christmas gift he had ever received.

They ate their Christmas dinner in the living room and shared many hearty laughs. The stew had been to everyone's liking, but the only one who had taken seconds of Per's pickled herrings had been Nicodemus. Minerva's contribution to the potluck on the other hand, a bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky, had been a big success. And the bottle was half-empty by the time desert was served.

Poor Per never stood a chance against that magic toxin. His eyes became continuously blearier, and he would surely have passed out on the sofa if Severus hadn't taken pity on him and carried him to the guest room.

'You're a good man, Sev'us,' Per blabbered as Severus dumped him on the bed.

'You have told me that already,' Severus replied. 'Now go to sleep.' He turned on his heels and was just about to close the door, when Per came up with another revelation:

'Cassy's in love with you, Sev'us. An' you should tell 'er that you love 'er, too.'

For a second, Severus paused. Could it be true? Was Cassandra really in love with him, with Severus Snape?

He carefully closed the door from the outside but did not return to the living room. Instead, he let his hand rest on the doorknob, contemplating Per's words. Tell her that you love her, too. Did he love her? Was that what he was feeling? Every day he didn't spend with her felt like a day wasted. And when he held her in his arms, he never wanted to let go of her again. She had coaxed him out of the shadows and was now the light of his life. Was this love? Was he, Severus Snape, finally experiencing what Dumbledore once had called the greatest magic of them all?

Quietly he made his way back to the living room where Minerva and Cassandra were laughing at Nicodemus, who was trying to catch the snow that was falling on the other side of the window glass.

Cassandra's smile froze on her face as she caught sight of him. 'What's the matter, Severus?'

He gave her a faint smile. It was amazing how well she was able to read him. 'Nothing,' he lied, avoiding her gaze as he sat down on the sofa, pretending to be watching Nicodemus. 'I think Per is not the only one who is feeling the magic of Ogden's.'

'It has been a long day,' Minerva said and rose from her chair. 'I should be getting back to Hogwarts to make sure all the students are in bed. You know what they say: when the cat is away…' She patted Cassandra on the cheek. 'Try to persuade him, will you, dear.'

'Persuade me to do what?' Severus asked, convinced that Minerva had been talking about him.

'Minerva has invited us to join the Christmas celebrations at Hogwarts tomorrow evening,' Cassandra explained.

'Hogwarts?' What a stupid suggestion. 'We cannot just go to Hogwarts.'

'I wasn't talking about the Christmas dinner in the Great Hall, of course,' Minerva chided him. 'I am hosting a private gathering at my office after the feast. There will only be some close friends there, Severus. Poppy, Filius, Pomona, only people who know about you being alive.'

Severus narrowed his eyes and scowled at the Headmistress. He still found the idea preposterous.

'Do try to persuade him, Cassandra,' Minerva repeated. 'It would be delightful to have you two there with us. After all, we are all one big family.'

'Are you really sure you want to go?' Cassandra asked.

They were already standing in front of the fireplace, and Severus was holding a box of Floo Powder in his hand.

Yes, he was sure he wanted to go to Hogwarts. At least, he was now. He had been pacing the living room all night, listing the pros and cons in his head. The people who were invited to Minerva's party all knew that he was still alive. So that was no problem. But only Poppy and Minerva knew that he was living in the Muggle world. And only Minerva knew that he had hooked up with Sirius Black's little sister. Would there be questions? And was he ready to give answers? But he had to admit to himself that he was longing for Hogwarts, for the Wizarding world. He had done so ever since the night he and Cassandra had talked about why they had left that world.

Seven years ago he had been so sure that leaving everything behind was the right option. He had started a new life and been quite content with it. But now, all of a sudden, he was starting to wonder if it was perhaps time to return. It was as if Cassandra had made him understand that he was still a part of the magical world and magic a part of him, despite how hard he had tried to run.

'Yes, I am sure that I want to go,' he said and held out the box of Floo powder.

Cassandra took a handful of the powder but froze in mid-movement. And when she looked up at him, Severus detected a flicker of uncertainty in her eyes. He narrowed his eyes and frowned. 'I haven't been to the Wizarding world for more than ten years,' she answered his unasked question. 'I am not sure I can handle this.'

Severus couldn't help but smile. Sweet little Cassandra. She had been giving him pep-talks all day, and now she was the one having the jitters. He took her hand into his and squeezed it tightly. 'I will be right there with you,' he said. 'If you feel uncomfortable, we will leave. No questions asked.'

When Severus stepped out of the fireplace in the Headmistress' office, he saw that Filius Flitwick had already greeted his former protégée and was showering her with questions. Cassandra was smiling warmly at the old wizard, and Severus was glad to see that she – for the time being – seemed quite comfortable.

'I am glad you could come, Severus.' Poppy Pomfrey was beaming up at him with tears of joy glistering in her eyes. 'Minerva has assured me that you were doing fine, but it feels good to see you in person, my dear boy.'

Severus was quite unprepared for being pulled into a hug by the school matron, but to his own surprise he did not resist. Actually, it felt rather nice to know that somebody had missed him.

'Minerva tells me that you and Cassandra have become friends,' Poppy said after she had released him. Severus nodded, and Poppy followed his gaze that was now fixed on Cassandra, who was sitting beside Filius, watching an old photo album. 'Judging by the way you are looking at her, I'd say you are more than friends.'

Slowly Severus took his eyes off Cassandra and turned to face Poppy instead, who was looking at him with a knowing smile on her face. 'You know, Poppy,' he began, 'you are the second one to point that out this Christmas.'

The party was pleasant enough. It actually felt quite good to see his old colleagues again. But after an hour or two, Severus grew weary. He had always hated staff parties, and all of a sudden he longed for the dungeons, the place which he had once called home. Nobody noticed that he left. His years as a double agent had turned him into an expert of melting away into nothingness.

When he walked down the stairs that led to the dungeons, it felt as if he had never left. The sound of his robes against the stone floor was still the same and so was the damp smell of the dungeons. Even the Potions classroom seemed not to have changed. Of course, there were new jars and bottles on the shelves on the wall, but the workbenches were still arranged in the same order, a cauldron and a cutting board placed on each of them. Severus caressed the smooth surface of the teacher's desk with his fingers. He remembered every stain and the potion that had made it.

A sudden noise behind him made him spin around, his wand drawn, ready to curse whoever had been trying to sneak up on him.

'Easy, Severus, it's just me.' Minerva lit the torches on the wall with a flick of her wand and sat down at the desk in front of Severus. 'I thought I would find you down here. You have missed this place, haven't you, Severus?'

He nodded. 'I have spent more time here than at any other place during my adult life. It is …' He broke off. He didn't have the words to describe what this dungeon meant to him.

'Home?' Minerva filled in, her eyes still locked onto his.

Yes, that was it. This dungeon had been his home, his refuge at times when he had had nowhere else to go. Down here he had been able to think, to relax, even to dream at times.

'You are always welcome back,' Minerva continued. 'You know that, don't you, Severus?'

'Is the time ripe, Minerva?'

'The Wizarding world will welcome you back as a hero, Severus Snape, whenever you choose to return. But there is only one person who can decide whether you are ready or not. And that person is you.'