Chapter XVIII: Step By Step

February brought windy weather, sleet and too many night shifts to be any fun. Severus had been given the graveyard shift at least four times a week for the last month. And he had been working for three weekends in a row. He tried not to blame anyone for this. But still he couldn't help but wonder if him having turned down Nurse Björk for both champagne and a New Year's kiss had something to do with his ridiculous work schedule. After all, she was the one who put them together.

Up until eight months ago, he had never minded the night shifts. He had actually enjoyed them. They had meant that he had to meet fewer people than during the day, and that had suited him perfectly back then. Because back then, he had not only preferred his solitude but had, in fact, not had anybody he had wanted to spend time with.

But that had changed. Now there was somebody whom he longed for every moment his mind was not occupied with his work. And he hated the fact that he had not seen Cassandra for more than a few minutes at a time over the last three weeks. It had gone so far that he ventured to Apparate directly from the hospital garage to her house after his shift ended in the mornings, just to sneak to her bedroom and slip under the blanket with her for a few precious minutes before she had to get up and go to work. And then he would stay snuggled up in her bed, inhaling her scent and wishing that she would be there.

It was on one of those mornings that he found her wand.

He had fallen asleep after Cassandra had left for work. And if Nicodemus hadn't started clawing at the covers, he would surely have slept until after lunch. Groaning, he got out of bed and made his way to the living room, cursing his age and the night shifts. And there he had found it, lying on the bookshelf on top of the casket that contained the Black family ring. Oak and dragon heart-string, a truly magnificent wand, engraved with symbols Severus didn't recognise. No wonder Cassandra had developed a knack for Magical languages. The wand that had chosen her had also foretold that ability.

Dared he hope that she had used it? He had not seen her wand since New Year's Eve when she had turned snow into feathers, and he had thought that she had locked it away. But now it was lying in the bookshelf, out in the open, in plain sight, ready to be used.

He sank onto the nearest chair and pressed his hands against his forehead. How he hoped that Cassandra had used her wand, even if it had only been for a minuscule task like removing dust from the bookshelf. At least she would have used it then. At least she would have performed magic.

Suddenly, memories which he had long since hidden away in his subconscious came crushing down on him. He remembered that his mother had frequently used magic when he was a little boy. She used to make his toy cars drive around on their own. And once she had even made his teddy bear talk. And then Father had caught her. The sound of Father's fist making impact with Mother's jaw was still the most horrible sound Severus could imagine. He had been too little then to understand why Father had been so angry. Later he had learnt that Father had made Mother renounce magic when they had gotten married. And Mother had kept her promise until the day she had discovered that Severus was a wizard.

After the beating, she had tried using magic for a while. But Severus' toy cars wouldn't move, and his teddy kept silent. And one day she had simply stopped trying. Severus still did not know if she had stopped out of fear of Father or because she wanted to keep the promise she had given him on their wedding day. But she had stopped. And she had started to wither. One day, he had found her wand, snapped in two, hidden away in a closet. Some weeks later, she had killed herself.

A chill went down Severus' spine. He had not thought about his mother's suicide in years. He was not even sure that it had anything to do with her losing her magic. But now he was confronted with a similar situation once more. And it terrified him.

He bent down to pat Nicodemus, who was rubbing its head against his legs.

'Is she using magic, your mistress?' he asked, hoping for an answer but at the same time perfectly aware that the tabby would not be able to give him any.

'Good day to you, Severus,' Minerva said in a cheerful voice as she stepped out of the fireplace. She had already popped in the day before, but Severus had not had time to speak to her then. Hence, they had made an appointment for tea the next morning.

He did not feel half as cheerful as Minerva sounded. There had been three emergency surgeries last night, and when he had come home at eight thirty in the morning, he had been too wound up to find any sleep.

'I was hoping Cassandra would be joining us,' Minerva went on, pointing at the two tea cups Severus had put out.

'It is eleven thirty on a Friday morning, Minerva,' Severus replied in a tone that sounded much more snappish than he had intended it to. 'Cassandra is, of course, at work.'

He turned his back on Minerva and busied himself pouring tea. He should not have snapped at his old friend. It wasn't her fault he was tired.

'You don't look too good, dear boy,' Minerva pointed out as he handed her a cup. 'Haven't you slept well?'

'I have not slept at all,' he explained, trying to ignore the headache that had started creep through his skull. 'I am getting too old to be working the night shift.'

'Good thing you have applied for a sabbatical then,' Minerva said with a smile. But that smile faltered quickly when she noticed the frown on Severus' brow. 'You are going to come back to Hogwarts in September, aren't you, Severus?'

He let himself fall onto a chair and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. Suddenly he felt beyond tired. He felt exhausted, drained. He wished Minerva would just leave. He wished he were alone. And he wished that he would not have to make that decision.

Minerva extended a hand towards him and laid it hesitantly on his shoulder. To his own surprise, he did not shrink away.

'You haven't discussed the possibility with Cassandra, have you?' the older witch asked in a mild tone. 'Not since your birthday.'

Severus shook his head, his eyes resolutely on his shoes. 'I have barely seen her. By the time she quits work I have to be at the hospital. And when my shift ends, she is already on her way to school.'

'Then you still have no idea if she is able to return with you?' Minerva's voice sounded strained. And Severus wished she had not come. He knew how much she had hoped for him and Cassandra to return together.

'You have to talk to her, Severus,' she continued. 'This suspense is consuming you. Talk to her.'

He just nodded. He knew.

'I think she has taken up magic again,' he said, his voice shaky.

'You think?'

'She has moved her wand,' he explained. 'But I have not seen her use it.'

'That is one more reason to ask her now, Severus. Please talk to her.'

He buried his face in his hands. 'What if she says no, Minerva?' he whispered, glad that his voice was muffled by his hands so Minerva could not hear that he was on the verge of tears. 'What if Cassandra says that she cannot return to the Wizarding world?'

'You said you would stay here in Iceland with her then.'

Severus could feel Minerva's eyes on his brow, and he slowly raised his head, just to see tears glistering in the older witch's eyes.

'I know you would stay for her sake,' she said. 'But is this what you really want, Severus? Would you really be content with staying here, as a Muggle? Or will you blame Cassandra for the rest of her life for making you stay?'

Severus stared at his old friend in utter shock. She had obviously given all this a fair bit of thought over the last weeks, maybe more than he had. For him, the biggest obstacle had been whether Cassandra would be able to find her Magic again. But now he suddenly realised that she simply might not want to return of her own accord.

Per had said that she would do anything for him, Severus remembered. Even return to England. She would do it for him. Just as he would stay in Iceland for her. One of them would have to give in. One of them would have to take farewell of their dream to make the other one happy.

Severus got up and stalked off towards his bedroom, leaving Minerva standing alone in the living room. He slammed the door shut behind him and sank to his knees, desperately wishing somebody else would make the decision for them.

It was the first weekend in March when Severus and Cassandra finally got to spend two whole days together. The Gulf Stream had brought warm weather, and they had decided to go for a walk in the park where they had first met.

'You're being awfully quiet,' Cassandra pointed out after they had been sitting on a bench in silence for a quarter of an hour. 'Are you alright?'

Severus felt her warm hand on his arm and couldn't help but wince slightly. He had known that she would ask him sooner or later. He had known that he eventually would have to open up and talk. He had just hoped that he would not have to do it so soon.

'I went to Hogwarts yesterday,' he started, 'to fill out the required forms.'

From the corner of his eyes, he saw Cassandra nod. 'You are taking your sabbatical then,' she said in a placid tone. 'Will you take up teaching again?'

'Yes, there is a new N.E.W.T. class for students aspiring to become Healers. I will be teaching Healing Charms and Potions.'

'I'm sure you'll like that.' Her voice was still calm. Maybe too calm. Severus started to feel uncomfortable. What if she lost it right here in the park? What if she ran away or worse, Disapparated?

But she stayed put, looking calmly at him. 'Do you have your wand on you?' she asked, her eyes sparkling.

Severus just nodded, uncertain what she was up to.

'Good,' she said, her smile growing wider by the second. 'Your place or mine?'

'I am afraid I do not understand, Cassandra,' he finally admitted.

'Minerva said you'd help me bring my magic up-to-date. Would be a shame if the sixth years at Hogwarts are better at spell work than I am when I start teaching them.'

She grabbed his hand and pulled him up from the bench towards her. And all Severus could do was stare at her, gobsmacked.

'Did you just say you were going to teach at Hogwarts?' Severus asked, still out of breath. Cassandra had pulled him behind a bush in the park, drawn her wand and Apparated directly to her backdoor. And he had been too surprised to resist or even utter one single intelligent word. But now, standing in her living room, he wanted answers.

'Yes, I did say that,' she replied, smiling broadly, and in a tone that suggested that there was absolutely nothing abnormal about her statement. 'Need a drink?'

A drink? Merlin's pants, he would need a whole bottle if she didn't explain herself soon.

'I would rather have a straight answer, Cassandra,' he snapped, hating the way she was playing with him.

'You are not the only one having tea with Minerva, you know.' Cassandra narrowed her eyes slightly and then thrust a book into his hands. '101 Ways to Find Your Magic. Teach me.'

Severus put down the book on the table with a bang. 'I am not going to teach you anything before you explain yourself.' His voice was shaking but not because he was angry. He was terrified.

'Isn't it obvious, Severus?' The smile on her face had turned into a smirk. She was obviously enjoying keeping him on tenterhooks. 'I am coming with you.'

His knees gave way, and he grabbed on to the bookshelf to steady himself. 'Why?' he breathed.

'Because a very smart and very brave man has told me that one's fears cannot be defeated by running from them.'

She was standing close enough now for him to feel the warmth of her body against his. But he didn't dare reach out for her. He was afraid that if he touched her, she might disappear. This had to be a dream. He could not be that lucky. He never was.

'Over the last couple of weeks I had time to think about his words,' Cassandra continued. 'And I think he was right. It is time for me to face my fears.' She reached out for him and caressed his cheek with the tips of her fingers. And her touch sent shivers down his spine. 'I want to come with you, Severus,' she whispered.

And he shrank away. 'I cannot ask this of you, Cassandra. I cannot make you face your worst fears just because I wish to return.'

To that Cassandra smiled gently and once more reached out for him. 'This decision is not yours to make, Severus Snape. Magic has decided. Look.'

She raised her wand and cast the Patronus Charm. At first, it was nothing more than a silvery mist, but then it took shape: it slithered through the air with languid, fluid movement, its tongue flicking in and out of its mouth, its dark eyes glittering mysteriously. The Snake, the symbol of Slytherin house, the symbol of Severus' rebirth.

'You see.' Cassandra smiled as she watched her Patronus dissolve into thin air. 'Magic has decided. I am irrevocably linked to you. You will have to take me with you.'