Rating:
This chapter is Rated T.
Beta:
Twilighternproud; I can't thank you enough for becoming my Beta.
Authors Notes:
I'm very thrilled at seeing how many reviews I got on the last chapter! It's fantastic.
This chapter should answer some questions you have been asking about, and it is all about Dimitri and Rose.
I expect to have every one of you review this chapter with your comments.
I can't wait to read your reactions. :)
Disclaimer:
The author Richelle Mead owns the Vampire Academy universe. I Want To Experience Love is a Vampire Academy Fan Fiction story and it is not intended to infringe on any copyrights held by Richelle Mead or Razor Bill Company. Richelle Mead is the creator of the Vampire Academy characters, however this story is my original work. Copyright 2010 by xx-RedRoseBlackThorn-xx. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without my express written authorization.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Trust and Soul
Dimitri didn't say anything for a long time. I felt dreadful for making him repeat himself. He breathed in and out, taking big deep breaths and trying to keep himself calm. I squeezed his hand in reassurance and caressed his face. No matter what Dimitri tells me he has, or the reason he has been acting distant, I will stick by him and help him through it. He is everything to me and I will never turn him down.
Dimitri opened his mouth to say something then quickly shut it. He reopened his mouth and quietly spoke.
"I have – I can't be in an intimate relationship."
I nodded my head and looked up to see him waiting for my reaction. The response I gave him was neutral. I didn't know how to take his quietness, especially since I didn't know the details that came with it. He kept looking at me waiting for me to say or do something, but all I did was wait for him to tell me more. He took the hint and continued.
"It's not that I can never be in a physical intimate relationship, because one day I should be able to. It's just my mind controls what happens in those situations, and until I overcome my problems..." He trailed off. "It's a mental illness called fear of intimacy; it's closely linked to fear of rejection." Dimitri could barely say the last sentence.
He started shaking and would not look me in the eyes. I needed him to talk to me, to explain more to me. I moved my hand to his chin and turned his face to look at me. I showed him that I wasn't startled and I wanted him to continue.
"This whole time, I have been pushing you to me, and pulling you away has nothing to do with you Rose. It was me." He gave a throaty chuckle that looked like he was upset with himself. "It sounds so cliché, but I'm the one was has an illness. I'm sorry I never told you or I didn't tell you earlier. It's so hard for me to talk about it now. You are the only one who knows and sometimes," he took a deep breath. "Sometimes I can't even accept it myself."
I was on the verge of crying. I hated seeing him eating himself up the way he did. As if I could hate him for having an illness. Of course, I was upset that he didn't tell me sooner, so I could help him overcome it, but I was so proud of him for even admitting his problem to me. I could never leave him; it was something we could work through together. I reached in and took him in my arms. It didn't even register to me that he could be hesitant. However he wasn't and he held me tight in his arms.
I pulled back and said, "How long have you had the illness?"
He looked towards the floor and said, "Not long after my so called father left." His words dripped with venom.
"Was this when you told me you bashed your father?"
"Yes, I didn't know I had an illness then, you see. No one did, and no one knows I do. Everyone thought I was just going through rebellion in my teenage years."
"When did you find out you had it?"
"When I was seventeen. I had a friend who noticed the changes in me and found out information. It matched my attitudes and behaviours. Of course I didn't believe it. That's also part of the illness – denial, as well as many other symptoms." He shuffled and said, "Other symptoms like, change of mood, lonesomeness, guarded behaviour, shutting down and the most biggest – intimacy."
I closed my eyes for a moment to let all the information sink in. I opened my eyes to Dimitri's chocolate brown eyes staring at mine.
"It all makes sense," I whispered. "Did you get... help?"
Dimitri stood up and backed away from me. "No! I did not get help. I don't need help. I can work this out on my own!"
His sudden outburst frightened me, but it was to be expected. He was, in a way, getting intimate with me just sharing the information. Also his denial was setting in and I wasn't sure how long Dimitri would let me in with this information. I tried to stay calm for him and change the subject so he wouldn't be so tense.
"I thought... you said we could do this together?" I slowly walked over towards him.
His face and posture relaxed, as he realised what he had done.
"Are you sure you don't want to back out now? Because this is your chance." He looked so low and pained it hurt me to so see him so wrecked.
I intertwined our fingers and leaned in slowly to show him I was going in for a kiss, and pecked him on the lips. "There is no way I'm leaving you. We are a team and that means we work together."
I saw a tear leak from his eye and kissed it away.
"Thank you for confiding in me. You don't know how much it means to me, that you trust me enough to break through the walls and be in your safest area. It's where I want to be able to stay."
Dimitri wrapped him arms around me, as I did to him and we stayed in each other's embrace. Dimitri just opened up his deepest darkest secret to me that no one else knows apart from me and him... and a friend that figured it out.
I pulled out of the hug and kissed his lips. With our hands intertwined, I led him to his room and lay on his bed. He went over to his clothes drawer and grabbed some pyjamas. He didn't walk to the bathroom and he didn't turn around to face me. He just stood staring at the clothes in his hand.
"Why don't you go have a nice warm shower, clean up and then come back to bed to relax?" I suggested.
Dimitri turned around and sat beside me on the bed. He caressed my face and I saw the emotion in his eyes. He loved me. I knew Dimitri would be distant to me since he opened up, it was only natural. However, my job was to be normal and treat him like I would normally.
"I'll be here when you get out, I promise." I placed my hand on top of his on my face and said, "Plus you can't throw me out now, Comrade. Not after you said I could stay." I pushed out my bottom lip and he smiled.
He got up and walked to the shower the door, but turned around before closing the door. Of course I was watching him; I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was amazing and all mine.
I smiled to him and he said, "Thank-you," before closing the door.
Which was unfortunate, because I would rather see him undress to catch a glimpse of his naked body before he hopped into the shower. But that was not going to be happening anytime soon.
I keep thinking about all the times I had given Dimitri grief for not showing me more emotion or physical contact, and I feel guilty as hell. The whole time he was going through an illness, and dealing with my attitude. It defiantly would not have helped him. I had to know more about his illness, but I knew talking about this to Dimitri would be hard on him, so I would have to do my own research.
The running water stopped, and not long after, Dimitri stepped out of the room wearing blue boxers and a black tight singlet. His hair was loose without a hair tie and damp. He looked delicious and he was not helping the fact that I had to have no contact with his mouth watering, delicious, sexy body. I stared at him with my eyes wide open, biting my lip. He walked over to a cupboard and handed me a pink towel. He slightly smiled at me and kissed my forehead.
"Mm. What's the kiss for?"
"Who says I need a reason to kiss you," he raised an eyebrow.
"Well, I'm not complaining here, but a pink towel. Come on." I screwed up my face.
"Pink will look great on you." He laughed at my reaction. "It was the only other towel they gave me." He bent down and gave me a slow kiss. "It was like they knew I would have a beautiful girl over."
"You are full of it," I said as I snatched the towel from his hand.
"Full of love for you," he teased and tickled me on my belly.
"Ok, stop. Please Stop. I'll take the pink towel. Ok. Ok. Ok" I managed to squeal out in between my laughing fits.
He released me with a big smile on his face. I hadn't seen him smile for him so long; it made me smile in return. I let out a loud sigh in relief that I could breathe normally again and he instantly brought his hands to my neck and belly.
"You're happy I stopped tickling you? Huh." He said.
"Y-Yes," I laughed and squirmed.
"Yes, what?"
"D-Dimitri p-please s-st-stop."
He stopped and helped me sit up. Kneeling in front of me, he moved the loose hair around my face and pushed it behind my back, so he could get a clear view of my face. His eyes held a strong emotion which I was unable to decipher. He reached his hand out to place it on the back of my neck and pulled me in to kiss me. We broke away with our foreheads pressed together.
"Thank you for being here for me," he whispered.
"I wouldn't have it any other way. You are the other part of me. We are one. We do this together."
"It's a lot to put you through Roza. Something I don't wish one anyone." He closed his eyes.
"I can do this. I'm strong. You're strong. We are defiantly strong together. I'm not leaving you to do this alone. I wouldn't even be able to leave you. I can't even think of not being with you." I kissed the tip of his nose and he opened his eyes and nodded.
I held his face and brought his lips, so they were just slightly touching mine. "You know what I want to do right now?"
"Why don't you tell me," the vibration of his voice made my lips tingle.
"I want to kiss you," I said seductively.
He had no problem with complying with my request and as quickly as he could, his lips were on mine. We moved in a slow, delicate synced kiss which felt wonderful. His lips were perfect, as the rest of his body is. One hand was in my hair and the other on my hip. A moan at the pleasure of being with Dimitri escaped my lips. He pulled me closer to him and I gripped my fingers harder into his back. He moaned and moved his lips to my neck. I let out a gasp at the amazing sensation Dimitri was making me feel. He pulled me off the bed which pushed him over on his ass, and I landed in his lap. I dug my fingers in his hair and wrapped my legs around his waist. I moaned and his reaction was to slam his lips back to mine. The kiss turn into a rapid pace and not long after he groaned and pulled away.
We looked at each other, panting and trying to find our breath. I realised I was still sitting on him and stumbled to stand up.
"I best go hop in the shower," I laughed nervously.
"A nice warm shower will do you good," he said while he went to lie on the bed.
I walked off and mumbled, "I think I'll take a cold one."
"Is that so?" Dimitri half yelled, so I would hear him from the bathroom.
I was happy I was in the bathroom, so he didn't see me blush in embarrassment. The cold shower was nice. I'm more of a warm shower kind of person, because it helps loosen my muscles and relax my body after hard days training, however tonight the cold shower did justice. I was too worked up by the contact from Dimitri that the cold shower calmed down my physical desires. I know I will have to survive with only kissing Dimitri from now on, until he can slowly overcome his illness and become physical, but the pressure it will put me under will defiantly test my patience. Not in the sense where all I want to do with Dimitri is have sex, because that's not what I want and that's not what I think about when I'm with him. However, I'm a girl who is in love with him and when we get emotional and close, the desire picks up and I do want to be with him. It's only natural, and that's what will test me. I quickly turned on the hot water and warmed up my body before I got too cold with goose bumps.
I turned off the water, dried off my body, and put on tiny blue cotton shorts with a white tank top. I towel dried my hair and threw it up into a messy bun off my face. I was now ready to go face Dimitri.
I walked to the bathroom door and quickly turned around again and walked over to the mirror. The bathroom was all foggy with the heat from the hot water I had on before I got out of the shower. I walked over to the mirror and with my finger, I wrote 'Rose & Dimitri Forever' with a heart around it. It wasn't a small heart either; it was in the centre of the mirror, so no one would miss it.
I walk out of the bathroom with the smell of chicken noodles in the air. Dimitri walks into the room and looks me up and down finishing by looking me in my eyes, with a small smile on his face.
"I smell delicious noodles in the air."
"It's not the only thing that's delicious," Dimitri said making his way over to me.
"You are right about that one," I said while reaching my hands up around his neck.
He bent down and kissed the side of my jaw, before trailing kisses down my neck. He lifted his head up slightly to place his lips beside my ear and said, "Are you trying to test my self control?" I shivered from his low seductive voice.
"I'm always testing your self control," I whispered trying to hold myself together.
Our lips met and a bolt of electricity sparked between the both of us. My stomach growled and Dimitri pulled away chuckling.
"I think it's time for those noodles," I giggled.
Dimitri kissed the top of my hand and said, "It's a pity I was unable to make you something more suitable. When I have more time next time, I promise it will be more than two minute noodles."
"Two minutes noodles are perfect," I pecked his lips.
He intertwined our hands and we walked into the lounge room where the noodles were waiting for us. He picked up the fork and twirled the noodles around it and placed the food in my mouth.
Dimitri wouldn't let me feed myself and kept saying it's the least he could do. We ended up watching a movie that was on television. It was based on a true story and made to look like a documentary. It was meant to be horror but it didn't really do anything for me. The only part that made me freak out was the ending where the guy walks out of the room to look for his girlfriend and he ends up flying into the camera while his girlfriend has been taken over by a poltergeist. I jumped in my seat and cuddled into Dimitri further. He laughed at me and took advantage to kiss me extra passionately. I think the movie was called, 'Paranormal Activity'.
Dimitri and I headed off to bed, and I was feeling extra excited. It was the first time I would be sleeping in the same bed as him and wake up in the morning beside him. Well the first time properly without it being Victor's lust charm.
I was lying in his arms looking up at his face when I asked him, "I hope I'm not pushing things too far?"
He looked at me confused, which made him cause frown lines, "How have you done that?"
"Well it's not over twenty-four hours ago that you had a... breakdown and just over four hours you admitted to me about your mental illness. I can't help but think me staying here with you is not helping. It's pushing the issue of us being close together and when we do..." I buried my head in between his arm and chest.
He didn't say anything for a moment, until I felt his hand come to my chin and lift my face up to look at him.
"Being close to you is the one thing that makes me happy. It doesn't make me want to not be with you."
"I don't want to keep making you feel like I'm pushing you into it," I whispered.
"Oh Roza. You are not pushing me into anything. This is where I want us to be. If I could I would have you all to myself." He looked me in the eyes, so I understood the double meaning in his voice. "It's not you that makes me stop. It's not you who makes me angry. It's not you why I have this illness. And it's defiantly not you who has to keep a distance." He rubbed my cheek with his thumb pad and kept explaining, "I need to be with you Roza."
"I love you Dimitri."
"Same back to you."
I closed my eyes and thought about the life I would have with Dimitri after graduation. I know we will be able to work something out so we can be together. There is no doubt in my mind. I was drifting off the sleep when I remembered something.
I lifted myself up on one elbow and look at Dimitri who still had his eyes open. He must be thinking about what we had just gone through in the past day.
"What's on your mind?" he asked.
"Do you know why my room was so far away from the others?"
"Why does it worry you so much?"
"Don't answer my question with a question," I said irritated.
"Don't use that tone with me."
"I didn't use any tone with you," I snapped.
"See. You did it again."
I gave him my angry look and he chuckled and kissed my forehead.
"That's not nice of you," I said while pouting.
"It wasn't nice of you."
I looked at him thinking about what game he was playing. I wasn't going to let him win, so I rolled over, pushed off the blankets and climbed out of bed.
"Rose, where are you going?" He asked with real worry in his voice.
"Going to sleep on the couch. Hope you have a good nights sleep." I said not facing him so he didn't see the winning smile on my face.
"Rose." He was out of bed in an instant standing in front of me. "I was mucking around. Please stay with me." He looked serious and hurt at the same time.
I walked towards him with a straight face and pushed him down on the bed before I jumped on him and laughed. "I was joking too you knuckle cruncher."
He had a small smile playing on his lips, "You got me that time. One to Rose, zero to Dimitri."
I smiled a little smile but realised the name I had called him. I looked at him apologetic.
"It's fine, buttercup," he laughed and I laughed with him.
We pulled the blankets up over us and I snuggled into his chest with his arms around me. I looked up and kissed his throat. It was the closest skin I could get my lips to reach. He looked down and kissed my forehead.
"Sweet dreams my buttercup."
That night I did have sweet dreams as Dimitri had said. Well, that was until Adrian popped in for a visit.
I was in a blue sparkly bikini with a black towel around my neck. I looked up to find myself at a beach, with white sand and crystal clear water. It looked gorgeous and it was a perfect day to go for a dip because the sun was out shining with warm weather.
"Adrian, I know you are here. Show yourself," I yelled.
"Ah, you learn fast little Dhampir," he smirk.
He was wearing black board shorts from billabong and no shirt. Which didn't worry me to much, because surprisingly Adrian had a nice body. It wasn't built like Dimitri, because Moroi didn't have the body type, but it was toned and looked hot.
"Only you would place me in this skimpy bikini by the beach."
He walked towards me and sat down looking at the beach, "Why waste such a beautiful body?"
I shook my head at him and sat down beside him.
"Is there something wrong Adrian?"
"The Queen told me."
I looked at him for a moment wondering what the hell he was talking about and then I clicked. Victor.
"Yeah. She is making the announcement in the morning," I said while throwing a shell into the water.
"Rose, if there is anything I can do..." He reached over and placed a hand on my leg.
"You have done so much Adrian. You are the one who got Lissa, Christian, Eddie and I here."
He rolled his eyes. "And look how that turned out."
"Don't be hard on yourself. You didn't know this was going to happen. No one did. Well the guardians that helped him did," I hissed.
"Does Lissa..." He trailed off.
"No, Queen Tatiana thinks it's best she finds out with the others tomorrow."
He nodded, "You know she was the one who requested for you to have a different room then Lissa."
I looked at him shocked, "What?" I knew the Queen never liked me but to take it that far...
"She wants Lissa to become Queen."
"I'm aware of this Adrian," I said sarcastically.
"She wants her to be with someone with a respectable well known reputation."
"Someone not like Christian."
"Someone like me." I looked at him aggressive. "She wants me to be with her. Don't hurt me Rose." he said high pitched.
I stood up and I could feel the negative energy take me over. "What the fuck has that got to do with me not sharing a room with her?" I yelled.
He stood up and said, "I don't know. I think she just didn't want you to be around in the way."
"Don't lie to me Adrian!"
"Look Rose, I don't agree with what she is doing okay. But she is the Queen and she does rule." He put his hands up in a surrender position.
All I had to do to get him to speak what take a step towards him.
"Alright alright," he smirked. "She doesn't want you to be Lissa guardian."
Thoughts swirled around in my head. "What? Why not? I'm the best for her. We are shadow-kissed. No one can protect her as well as I can," I started sounding irrational.
"I know, Little Dhampir. I know."
"She can't do this to us!"
Adrian was still hesitant with the anger outburst that exploded within me, but slowly walked up to me and wrapped his arms around me in a hug.
"If it was up to me..." he trailed off.
"She is Queen Bitch! I'm sorry Adrian, I know she is your great auntie or whatever, but she is a bitch."
Adrian laughed a deep throaty laughed which surprisingly helped relax me. The beach and sand was fading away when I looked up.
"Adrian what is going on?" I asked panicked.
"One of us is waking up. I'll see you soon." He said with a faint smile. I presumed he was thinking about Lissa finding out the news.
My eyes snapped open and I was in a dark room beside Dimitri. My back was to his chest and his arms were wrapped around my waist. I tried turning around to have a better look at his peaceful face while sleeping, but as I did Dimitri's hold got tighter. I tried to carefully lift his hands off from around me, but once again, he held even tighter and he moved around to cuddle into me closer.
I was competent to turn my head around and kiss Dimitri on the base of his throat. His eyes shot open and he looked down at me.
I gave him a seductive smile and said, "Good morning handsome."
"Morning beautiful. How did you sleep?" He kissed my earlobe. Not once, not twice, but three times.
"Much better being in your arms and waking up to your gorgeous face."
He smiled and let go off his hold around my waist, to pull me up to kiss him on his perfect lips.
We stayed in bed snuggling into each other and talking about what Adrian had told me and how to support Lissa. He said he would take care of Christian, if I wanted to be with Lissa. I wasn't sure how Christian would handle being with Dimitri, but if he did something wrong then that would be his funeral.
"Why don't you go have a shower and I'll make us a nice cup of... coffee? Tea? Hot chocolate?
"Mm. Hot chocolate sounds lovely."
Dimitri positioned his hands on the sides of my face and said, "You need something to eat, Roza."
I smirked and said, "I could eat you," and winked.
"As tempting as that may seem, you need something that will fill your body."
I gave him a chaste kiss and said, "Pancakes?"
Dimitri gave me a lopsided grin. "Pancakes it is."
As I was gathering my clothes out of the clothes drawer, Dimitri put his head around the corner and said, "Rose. I know you can do this, and there is no way she can stop you from being Lissa guardian."
"She will try, but she has to be ridiculous to think that I wouldn't give a fight."
Dimitri kissed me on the lips and said, "Rose Hathaway style."
"There would be no other way."
"Perfect, because that's the only way I like it."
Dimitri leaned in and kissed me on the lips. He was turning back to prepare the pancakes, but I pulled him back for more loving. And before you knew it, Dimitri and I were making out, forgetting about the shower, hot chocolate and pancakes. For an hour in our lives all we had was each other and for whole the only thing my entire mind was set on was him.