Rating:
This chapter is Rated T.

Beta:
Twilighternproud; you out the fan in fan-tastic.

Authors Notes:
Hey, I'm back and feeling better. I recently had to go back to the hospital for various other things as well!
I'm been getting sicker and sicker, but never fear, I am back here!
I would have had this chapter up much earlier in the week, however FanFiction kept coming up with error - I'm so sorry.
When I did get a chapter up Kessafan and Destinee Isla-Rose Belikov informed me that I put the incorrect chapter up.
But here it is and I hope you enjoy. Don't forget to review and let me know what you think. :)

Disclaimer:
The author Richelle Mead owns the Vampire Academy universe. I Want To Experience Love is a Vampire Academy Fan Fiction story and it is not intended to infringe on any copyrights held by Richelle Mead or Razor Bill Company. Richelle Mead is the creator of the Vampire Academy characters, however this story is my original work. Copyright 2010 by xx-RedRoseBlackThorn-xx. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without my express written authorization.

SEVENTEEN

Divergent Relationships

When I told Dimitri my assumptions about the bracelet, he seemed sceptical. I explained to him in a hushed tone that it had to be, because in the letter Victor gave to me, he said there was a present near his cell. I don't know if Dimitri fully bought the idea, but he nodded and didn't fight me on my determination.

The plane flight after the surprise of the bracelet was extremely quiet. I had moved away from Dimitri so we wouldn't look suspicious. Lissa had fallen asleep on Christian, who wasn't paying attention to anything or anyone, since he was listening to his iPod. And Adrian never turned around to speak to me, which was oddly weird. Unexpectedly, the guardians didn't say anything at all.

After landing back at St Vladimir's Academy, Lissa gave me a small smile and left with Christian not far behind her. She had a sudden mood change. I quickly looked over my body to find nothing wrong with my attire. What was she smiling at then? Unless it was something I can't see on my face.

Eddie noticed my questioning posture and came over.

"Not happy with your clothes?" he asked, laughing.

"Lissa gave me a smile. I'm trying to figure what's wrong with what I'm wearing."

"Whatever you put on, Rose, never looks bad on you," his face was dead serious.

I gave him my man eating smile, "Eddie Castile, are you hitting on me?"

"I'm just stating a fact, Rose."

"Is there anything on my face?"

"Yeah sure," I began to rub my face, to get whatever it was off me. "You have a mouth, a nose, two eyes. Oh, and look at that! Two ears"

I pushed Eddie with my shoulder, "Very funny."

He laughed and played pushed back. "You know, Lissa could have gotten over being mad at you. It explains the smile, rather than your explanation about something being wrong with you."

"I didn't feel her hate towards me through the bond, but I didn't feel forgiveness either."

"Lissa is not one to hold a grudge, Rose. You of all people should know that. She was just upset with how everything turned out. I'm sure since she had time to think things through."

I looked at him in shock horror, "Whoa – is this the same Eddie I've known since I was a kid?"

"Shut up," he smirked. "I may be a guy, but I do know what feelings are."

I placed an arm around his shoulders, "I know you do, Eddie. I know you do."

He shook his head while laughing and said, "What was the deal with Alto this morning and the bracelet?"

"Oh, he said he forgot to give it back to me, and I was giving him shit for it." I didn't want anyone else to know. I needed it to be kept quiet, until I figure out what Victor wanted me to do with it or more possible – what Victor wanted it to do to me.

Eddie and I arrived at the Novice dormitories, and we both made a sigh. I didn't think he wanted to be back here any more than what I did.

I did nothing special that day, I went to the gym for training and snuggled into my nice warm bed. I laid there for a while, wishing Dimitri was here with me, but because we are back at the academy, we had to be careful. I also wished for Lissa and I to be al right again. I knew we would be soon, because we can't fight for long, but it was killing me anyway.

I woke up and took a walk outside the dorms for some fresh air. It was nearly lunch time and I hadn't seen any of my friends. Everyone else had classes to attend but the gang got today off, due to what happened yesterday. I heard footsteps coming my way, but I didn't bother to turn around, as it was most likely some Guardian getting ready for practice.

"Rose..."

I spun around and nearly knocked Eddie over; he was that close to me.

"Yes."

He bent inwards and whispered, "Happy Birthday."

I was shocked and froze on the spot. I can't believe out of all people that Eddie would remember my birthday. My best friend – Lissa, didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My mother didn't bother to ring up and say 'Happy 18th Rosemarie, you are finally an adult.' It would have been nice, if she wasn't able to make it. Most of all, Dimitri must have forgotten when I mentioned it only yesterday. Though he had a good excuse, he wasn't concentrating on me at the moment, he had to concentrate on getting better with his illness.

I moved my eyes to Eddie. "Thanks Eddie."

"Why so glum? It's your eighteenth, you've been waiting for this."

"I thought it would be a better day." Eddie waited for me to continue, "No one else remembered. I thought it would be a day my family and friends would, you know... go crazy for me. Also the Queen's announcement about Victor was just yesterday and my best friend still isn't talking to me."

Without any words spoken, Eddie gave me a hug. It felt nice. Eddie was like a brother to me, we weren't romantic in any way.

"Rose, it's still morning, you have the rest of the day and night to worry about people forgetting your birthday. The congratulations will come."

I nodded my head and gave him another hug before we said goodbye to each other and went our separate ways.

I took a hot shower, shaved my legs and washed my hair, before I went to the computer. I had the rest of the day to bum around, so I decided to find sources of information on Dimitri's illness. I needed to understand it better, to get the question was too afraid to ask him myself answered, and to find out what I could do to help.

I tried to remember what Dimitri had called his illness and typed it in Google, then I remembered. 3,530,000 hits came up when I typed in, 'intimacy illness'. I clicked on the fifth website that was showing in the list, because the title 'Fear Of Intimacy', stuck out.

I started skimming through the article and slowed down when I read this, 'He/She sufferers frequently from reported feelings of isolation and loneliness, and an inability to connect with others.' Dimitri on many occasions, hinted that he preferred to be alone and didn't until recently, have someone to trust. I also noticed that he never made any relationships with the other guardians here. He did his duty with them, and that was it. The only other close relationship I seen him have was with Natasha Ozera, and even when she left, he didn't pursue it further.

I kept reading the article, and it pretty much stated what Dimitri had told me, but in more words. An interesting paragraph caught my eye. 'Past experiences with abuse and/or neglect, may predispose an individual to being fearful of allowing themselves to become vulnerable to a new relationship. Other closely associated fears such as the fear of abandonment may precipitate a guarded behaviour, effectively shutting down the possibility of an intimate relationship.' Dimitri had told me in training once, that he never gotten along with his father, and had to defend himself one time, which concluded to him bashing his father. That was Dimitri who did the abuse. However, what if Dimitri did it because it was a reaction, a reflex from whatever his father inflicted on him? I don't believe it is because of neglect, because he talks so well about how close his family is. So if Dimitri did get abused... oh, Dimitri. I wish he would of told me. The end of the paragraph did apply to Dimitri and I's relationship. Dimitri does use guarded behaviour and shuts down when we try to get intimate.

My mouth dropped wide open, when I read this sentence. 'Physical forms of intimacy may be feared due to shame-based thinking which may have resulted from sexual abuse or exposure to pornography. I pray to God that Dimitri was never sexually abused. I can't even think about it clearly. Even the chance of him being exposed to pornography, makes me feel sick. What kind of person could do that to a minor! What makes it more sickening is the type of person who would do that to their own son!

I closed the article and my eyes. Maybe doing research wasn't a good move. All it did was get me more frustrated and sad. I wanted to be with Dimitri so much right now, but I knew it couldn't happen. Spending the time together at the court was a one off, if we did that here it would be obvious something was going on between us. However, finding out this information made me feel so guilty for yelling at him when he couldn't show affection. I also wanted to know the rest of the story. Why he is the way he is. Was it because of his father? And was it because he was sexually assaulted?

I wish I knew what his father looked like and where to find him because I would love to have ten minutes with him to -

Knock, Knock, Knock.

"The door is unlocked," I yelled.

"You really should learn to lock it. Anyone can walk in."

I rolled my eyes when I heard his voice. What the hell did he want now?

"No one would be game enough to walk through my door without permission," I said with a smile. "What brings you here?"

"Why does something have to bring me here. Why can't I just want to come see you. We are... friends, after all."

I scoffed, "Oh yeah, we are the best of buddies." I let sarcasm leak off each word.

"You already broke your end of the deal you know," Christian said, through gritted teeth.

"What? How? We landed not even twenty-four hours ago."

"Adrian is with Lissa now, practising magic." He scowled.

Oh dame. Rose Hathaway, you're an idiot. You promised Christian a deal. How will you get out of it this time...

I ignored Christian's scowls as I walked to the fridge and grabbed two chocolate bars, along with two cans of coke. I walked back and handed him one of each. It gave me enough time to think of something,

"This is a peace offering. Even though I don't think it's right that I need to."

"You broke the deal Rose!" he yelled. "You promised and broke the deal!"

"All right, hold your horses, Ozera. I made a deal that I would keep Adrian away from Lissa, yes. So, technically I haven't done anything wrong, I still got my half of the deal going. Have you kept yours?" I tried to keep a calm posture.

Christian lit a fire in his hand and spoke, "How is your half of the deal going, if Adrian is with Lissa now – you idiot. And to answer your other question – yes, I did do my deal. She just needs some time to process everything."

I was relieved Christian stuck to the bargain. Any time now Lissa should be ready to talk. Now I have to try and convince him that I haven't backed out.

"Let me explain this to you Fire-boy. I promised to keep Adrian away from Lissa, so I am and I will – when they are not practising," I gave him a smart-ass look.

"That wasn't the deal, Rose."

"You left the deal open. You didn't say when or where."

Christian shook his head in disbelief. "You really are a worker."

"Christian, listen. I'm not breaking the deal here in any way. I understand why you want Adrian away from Lissa, but I'm telling you now – Adrian is not interested in her, and you know she doesn't think anything romantic about him."

"Adrian is better for her, Rose," he let his guard down and his fire blew out.

"Adrian?" I snorted. "What is wrong with your brain?"

"Look at me. I have nothing on what Adrian can give her."

Why did this sound familiar? Oh yeah! Because Dimitri said something very similar to me on the plane. Why does Adrian make all the guys insecure around here? He really is a powerful Ivashkov, isn't he?

I walked over and gave him a hand of support on his shoulder.

"You are perfect for her, and she is perfect for you." Oh you did not just say that. Rose, where has the real you gone? I mentally slapped myself for saying something so cliché.

"Adrian and I might have a bad reputation, but his will always be better than mine."

"How so?"

"Adrian has a bad reputation for being with girls. That's nothing compared to me. He has a big family to back him up, he has power, money and a good social status in the Moroi world. He gets invited to Royal gatherings and parties – I don't."

I sighed in frustration at his ignorance. "That's a lot worse than you, Christian. You don't have a bad reputation with girls, because you waited until you found the right one – Lissa. Who cares if the Ivashkov's are the biggest Royal family around, the Ozera's use to have a lot of respect going for them, and I don't doubt you're skills in building it up again. Secondly, you are part of a royal family. You still have equal rights as the others do, you just don't push it. If you really wanted to, you could have enforced a lot of things by now.

"Rose you don't -"

"Don't interrupt me Fire-boy. About the money, that means nothing to Lissa. She isn't with you because of money, and she isn't going to give you up to be with someone with money. You don't need money to live a happy life. When Lissa is invited to parties, you go with her. You show them, that you are going to support her and you aren't afraid to be seen with her. Do you understand? because I'm on the outside and I can see a lot about you two. I hate to admit it, but I love the idea of you two together. I can feel how happy she is and how much she loves you. Don't even try and hide how you feel. I can see it as well. When she's not around you're not as happy but when she is there, you smile."

Christian didn't look up at me, but I did see his eyes move around looking towards the floor. I didn't want to interrupt his thoughts, so I went on to do my own stuff. I didn't get along with Christian, that often. Well, it's not that we don't get along. It's more like we have the same opinion, but different ways of expressing it – which means competition. Though I have noticed Christian and I have come become somewhat closer. We won't mention it to anyone though. I came to rely on him when I was in pain from Dimitri. I guess today was my turn to return the favour. What am I saying... Christian is my mate. I would never let anyone hurt him – apart from me, because I am allowed. He is my Fire-boy.

Christian broke me out of my thoughts...

"I love her... I love her so much."

"Then why are you telling me? Have you been listening?" I sighed and said, "I know you love her – tell her."

"I tell her all the time," he sighed and reached over to look at the – now mine – gold bracelet.

"Christian, she knows you love her."

"I haven't even brought her anything to show my affection."

"You don't need too, she can see it in the way you look at her, talk to her, touch her." I shuddered at the thought of Christian touching Lissa. I've had too much experience with feeling the way Christian touches, to my despise – thanks to Lissa.

Christian was now fiddling with the bracelet, "I could get her something like this." He wasn't really talking to me any more, he was in his own world.

I needed to change the subject, "Hey, since everyone else is in class and we get the day off because we came back from court, do you want to something?"

It seemed to have waken some part of him that was wallowing because he said, "Oh god, Rose Hathaway wants to hang out with me. What shall I ever do with her? Who shall I alert and tell? The media?"

"Oh why not, and while you're there, ask them for a two page spread," I said while grabbing my keys off my desk and walking out the door.

Looking straight ahead while walking down the hallway, I could tell Christian was giving me side glances.

"Spit it out," I hissed.

"Well..." He looked at me like I was some weirdo. "What the hell are we going to do together?"

"First of all I thought we could go take a bubble bath, while we wait for our massages together. Oh, and don't forget we have to go pick flowers together before we share a plate of fruit salad for dinner," I said sarcastically, while rolling my eyes.

Christian glared at me and not long after, pulled me into a different direction to where we were heading in the first place.

"Ah, Christian. I thought you fed today already?"

"I did, but I'm still hungry..."

I dragged the word out, "So?"

"So?" he said coping my tone.

I stopped outside of the feeders with my eyes wide open. "You're serious?"

"No Rose," he hissed. "I just made it all up," he added with a roll of his eyes.

"Jeez, no way. I thought you were just being a Royal pain in my ass!" I yelled with my hands on my hips.

Christian scoffed and pushed the door open hard and stormed inside. I waited outside for a while to get calm, and get an even rhythm of breath. Christian had to push my button's, didn't he. Oh yes he did, because that's what he does. Once I believed I was calm enough to go inside, I pushed the door open slightly and saw he was still waiting in line. He noticed my peek through the door and turned his back on me. Great, why did I choose to hang out with him again?

I walked in and gave Mrs Nikon a nod to acknowledge her presence. I reluctantly walked over by Christian and made clicking noising with my tongue. I was bored and wanted to have some fun. So, why not annoy him?

"Can you stop that?" he glared at me.

"Sure."

I began humming to myself a familiar tune. Oh that's right, it was Mary had a little lamb.

"Oh please stop. It's making my ears hurt," he screwed up his face and spoke with a harsh tone.

"Not a problem," I gave him a small smile.

I moved my cheeks in and out making weird noises come out of my mouth.

"Rose, stop it," he said, through gritted teeth.

"No worries," I turned my head around to look in another direction, with an innocent face.

I knew Christian wouldn't be able to take one more annoyance from me, so I had to push it further. I couldn't leave myself waiting. I started whistling a random tune and made sure I moved closer to his ear.

"Quit it!" He yelled and his anger boiled up. I thought I saw smoke steam out of his ears, he looked that pissed at me.

"Okie dokie."

Christian stared straight ahead, with annoyance written all over his features. Anyone in his eye sight would probably freak out if they caught his eye.

"So Christian," I said while moving closer to him. "Isn't it strange that you want more blood?"

"It's not a crime," he said, not bothering to look at me.

"Yeah but... it's not common. And not with you."

He turned around, and looked pale.

"What are you saying?" he spat.

"I can't believe I missed that," I said disappointed at myself.

He must had noticed my change of mood, because his expression became confused, and asked, "What?"

I reached up and touched his face. It was an odd move for me to do, and especially touching Christian. However, he turned pale so quickly, because he wasn't that colour in my room half and hour ago. He felt my touch and flinched. As suspected, he wasn't expecting me to touch him either.

"You're pale. You weren't pale before. Well, paler than you usually are."

"I'm hungry Rose," he sighed.

"That's mostly likely it then," I gave a small smile, uncertain that it was because he was hungry.

"Yep."

After the feeders, we decided we would go to the television room, and see what was playing. Half way there, we ran into Dimitri.

"Lord Ozera, Miss Hathaway," he greeted us.

"Belikov," Christian greeted him just as I said, "Dimitri."

Christian and I both looked at each other at the same time, rolled our eyes and shook our heads. Dimitri looked at him with his guardian mask, but I could see amusement in his eyes. From his point of view we probably looked like a pair of idiots.

Dimitri looked at Christian and said, "Do you mind if I steal her away from you?"

Christian snorted and said, "Please, be my guest."

I rolled my eyes and looked at Dimitri who was looking back at me.

"Mind if I have a word with you, Rose?" He asked, his guard up.

I sighed, and looked at Christian. "I know you'll miss me, but please, don't keep yourself waiting."

"I'll try not to Rose," he let out a chuckle. "I'll go see if Lissa is ready."

"Don't forget what we spoke about."

"Whatever," he said while walking off.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, forgetting for just a moment that I had company and it was Dimitri. I was too worried about Christian, that I forgot the most important person in my life. I can't believe that I was concerned for him. I guess that's what happens when you bond. The funny thing is we didn't bond, we just tease each other and drive each other crazy. Maybe that was us bonding, on a different level. I was taken out of my thoughts when Dimitri spoke.

"I'm surprised to see you two together"

"Why, you jealous?" I said while wiggling my eyebrows.

"Should I be?"

"Not at all. What you want to talk to me about?"

His guardian mask went straight back on his face and he spoke, "We need to go somewhere private."

Dimitri led me to his room, and locked the door behind us. I felt that what he was going to tell me was serious.

"I'm telling you this because I know I can trust you. You have a high understanding of what most can't comprehend and you have a high desire in protecting the Princess." His tone was even but full of command.

"Tell me," I blurted out.

"Twenty-two other victims were taken prisoner from a town fourteen hours away. Twelve were announced dead and seven are seriously injured, at the small hospital outside the town."

I gasped, "Was it Strigoi or Victor?"

"A gang of Strigoi. However, I'm not completely convince that Victor wasn't involved."

I looked at him confused, "You're saying that you think Victor might have Strigoi working for him?"

His eyes never left mine, and his voice was deep and forceful. "I wouldn't put it past him. He convinced his own daughter to turn."

I shook my head and fell onto his bed. I placed my head in my hands and processed everything he told me.

"Have you told Alberta about your Victor theory?"

"No. This is strictly between you and I." He looked at me strongly and I was frightened to argue, so I just nodded my head.

Dimitri didn't say any more and left me to be into my own world. I wanted to be in his arms being comforted by him, but he was being a guardian.

I looked up to find him reading his novel on his chair. How long was I in dreamland for?

"What's the book you're reading?"

He looked up peacefully. I smiled to myself, because he was now out of guardian mode, and into Dimitri mode – my Dimitri.

"It's the fifth book in the series of the 'Slocum Series'.

My eyes widened, "Fifth book? How many is there?"

Dimitri lifted his eyebrow up and said, "Why so interested?"

"Any thing you do is interesting to me," I said with a man eating smile.

He ignored what I said and continued, "It's the longest running series of western fiction, featuring over three hundred and seventy-eight books."

I sat there with my mouth wide open, "And you wonder why I don't read. I would never get them finished."

"Not with the way you do things," he teased.

"What does that mean Comrade?" I said, faking a hurt face.

"Don't call me that. You might learn some things reading these books."

"What are they about?"

He arched his eyebrow up, but since I gave him a face to tell him to speak, he sighed and told me about the book series.

"John Slocum is a basically decent man who will do whatever it takes to survive what life in the Western Frontier throws at him. A Confederate soldier who lost his ancestral home to carpetbaggers after the Civil War and never went back, Slocum is a tough man, as gun-slick as they come. Slocum's adventures have taken him over a lot of the West. He has been a soldier, slave, stage driver and shotgun guard; I'm only on book five."

I nodded my head and pretending to be interested, "I see, awesome."

He cracked a smile and chuckled, "You're going to have to accept my taste in novels, if you want to have a relationship with me."

I bit my lip and said, "You said it outright."

"Said what?"

"For me to have a relationship with you," I was shocked to hear him say it, usually it's me.

His facial features softened; he placed the bookmark in his book and came over to sit with me on his bed.

"Is that what you want?" he asked.

"Yes," I said barely in hearing range.

He cupped my face with one of his hands and said, "Then that is what we have."

I gulped and started to breath heavy, he finally said it himself that we are in a relationship. I wanted to cry of happiness, but instead I brushed my lips with his and he kissed me. I laughed against his lips and he moved back to look at me in questioning.

"I prefer magazines because they have pictures," I joked.

"Is that all..." he teased me back with a sweet tone.

"Oh and because of the sex talk in them. Secretly, that's why I read them," I joked more. "I bet you don't have those in your western books."

"Actually, I do." I looked at him in question. "The books are claimed to be adult oriented, due to the presence of 3 explicitly described sex scenes in each of the numbered books."

I looked at him with my eyes wide, mouth hanging open and my breath caught in my throat. I also unconsciously crept away from him on the bed. He read about them in detail and yet he had a problem with being intimate.

"Rose, it's a book, nothing more." He said while lifting my chin up to close my mouth. "Breathe," he reminded me.

"You read about it, but you have intimacy issues. Do you-" I trailed off.

I didn't even want to think about it. Actually I do, because he must be masturbating for a release and reading sex scenes explicitly would make a man horny.

Dimitri slumped his head down and said, "It's not because of the sex, Rose. I enjoy reading the books and how free John Solcum can be. As for... you question..."

I closed my eyes and took a big breath. It was normal for guys to act this way right? I mean he can't be intimate so he has to release some way. I just wish I could do it for him. I grabbed his hand and he turned to look back at me.

"It's okay, I understand. I shouldn't have asked anyway. It wasn't my place to ask."

"You have a right to know," he replied in a low quiet voice.

"Since we are on this topic, I um... want to tell you something, and ask you... something."

He looked up and met my glaze.

"I – ah – did some research while I was alone today." He seemed to understand what I was saying. "Did – ah – you have a bad relationship with your father?"

"You know I did, Rose." He answered, like it was obvious that I should have known.

"I meant..." Oh god, how the hell do I ask him? I could go around it and see if he tell me or I come be honest and get straight to the point. I'll get straight to the point, that's what Rose would do. I took a big gulp and said, "...did he ever abuse you?"