I wrote this because my algebra teacher was going on and on and on about monomials or something, and I was bored to tears. Enjoy!
I have an announcement that doesn't really pertain to this fic, but… I've given up fangirling over Liam Neeson. It got to be a bit much after I started having these really freaking weird dreams about him. Maybe now I'll have more time to fangirl over Qui-Gon, and no one else! :D

The Jedi Master in question today is Mace Windu. I swear, I could make an encyclopedia- no, a series of encyclopedias- about all his secrets and scandals. As your accurate news source, I had to weed through the list of nasty breakups, mission failures, and general rumors to find the one story factually proven (My bibliography; back cover).

Mace Windu is the ambassador to Hoptania; a planet with these little animals with long ears and puff-ball rears. (For pictures, turn page.) What does he have to do with this? Litter after litter of bunnies has reduced the planet to food-deprived desert. Transport records show Mace hopped (no pun intended) on a transport and befriended them on a stopover there. His extremely delicate heart took pity on them, and ever since he has been smuggling vegetables and stuff into their system.

What's the big deal? I'll tell you what the big deal is. Turns out the Hoptanians had obtained a supply of food sometime before, and were just using Mace's food as surplus to sell off for riches! But even worse: when Mace found out, he didn't care. Now he's using REPUBLIC CREDITS to help a system not even in the Republic- oh, did I mention he gets a small salary?

"Shameful- eh! Wrong- eh! He shall taste my wrath!" Yoda takes matters into his own hands as he attempts to hobble down the hallway. Mace better walk- er, run.

Qui-Gon scrutinizes the pictures of Mace and the bunnies. "Looks like last year's spring break party."

"I won't hear anything of it!" Zora, Mace's broad shouldered girlfriend, shrieks. Wow, doesn't she sound so interested in him?

"Feed the hungry, clothe the peeps. The marshmallow kind, of course," Obi-Wan tries to joke. "Mace really is in the springtime spirit!"

"I knew it," Siri mutters darkly. "That's where my carrots from my garden have gone!"

"I'll be your carrot!" Garen volunteers. Whatever that means.

"A planet of bunnies, you say? Sign me up! The one place in this galaxy that men won't be hitting on me!" The somehow miserable Clee Rhara exclaims. She truly is ungrateful. She's got crowds of fanboys chasing her!

"Wait- we aren't supposed to smuggle Republic credits? It wasn't in the handbook?" Adi Gallia has a revelation.

"Lemme guess; he's also saving dolphin habitats on water worlds? He better be," Bant Eerin sniffs.

"Really, what an inaccurate account! Where do you think up these tall tales, Tahl?" An exasperated Jocasta Nu lectures. For the story behind her smelly socks (seafood storage or toe warmers???) see pg. 9.

This is what ten Jedi think of this. Shall I ask a few native Hoptonians, now?

"ZEEP! Zip zop zup ZEEP!" A young male reports.

"Zeep zeep zeep zeep zip…. ZOP!" Another argues.

"Hi, Mom," are the only two words in basic these beings seem to know.

The interrogation of Master Windu:

"I'm innocent! You're lying! My only bunny is Zora, and that's the way it's going to be! And as for Siri's stolen carrots- why don't you ask Qui-Gon about it?" He challenges. "Now leave me alone, or I'm sending Qui-Gon on a mission with Adi to Ryloth!"

There you have it. This is what is said. Is Mace really just getting into the swing of spring? Or is something else going on?

---Letters to the Editor---

Dear Tahl,
Greetings. My Master has subscribed to your tabloid, so I get to read it periodically! Have you ever been to Tatooine before? I think Qui-Gon would like it. Just a hunch.
-Shmi Skywalker
Tatooine

Dear Tahl,
So you're going out with my Padawan, eh? Think you can get whatever you want from him? I have news for you: STAY AWAY FROM QUI-GON. HE'S JUST A BOY. DON'T YOU DARE GO USING YOUR FEMININE TRICKS AND CHARMS ON HIM.
Mtfbwy,
Dooku

Dear Tahl/Dooku,
I'm not a boy, Master. In fact, I'm not even your Padawan anymore. Go cry into your pillow if you think I'm turning into some sort of significant other. I'm not; I've already become one. And I just happen to think she is the best person in the whole galaxy. Even better than chocolate.
-Qui-Gon
P.S.
See, Tahl? I do have a heart.

---Horoscopes---

Aries: Beware your elders. They come to you with Ataru and walking sticks. Wish to whip your butt, they do.

Pisces: You look like the word pieces; but very misspelled. Beware of breakables. Then you'll really be in pieces! Ha!

Leo: You'll take her to see "Swinging in the Lane" tonight. And you'll like it whether you like it or not.

---Advertisements---

COMING SOON: Jedi Dating Lab- sponsored by Tahl. Submit your profiles now! Absolutely free! We'll find you a match and pay for dinner for two- guaranteed!

BUNNIES AWARENESS MONTH: As the weather warms, come to our brief presentation about the threats these bunnies face in the galaxy- and that includes nosy reporters. Contact Master Mace Windu for details.

MISSING- Wig. Brown; fits well on the shoulders of a broad-shouldered person. Tied back in a half ponytail. Reward if found. Contact Zora Antan if found.

*noms a cookie* Now, I have a few ideas for the next chappie, but I need to know what you think. I was going to do one kinda like a Lord of the Rings spoof. Or I was going to bring in Dooku, Qui-Gon's old Master, somehow. Make a DookuXJocasta pairing or something. OR, I could do one on Jocasta's smelly socks. OR I could do one where Qui goes on a mission to Ryloth (land of the twi'lek women). So… you could always lemme know; or else I'll just randomly pick an idea. And you should review, too. Thanks!

Oh, and special thanks to Metoria. Thanks!