/ Chapter 22 – Emotions of Different Natures /

Permanent Committed Memory
Subjective Time: 10.803911028951 Y.A.C.I. (Years After Cognition Initiated)
Local Time: 1962-09-30 11:59:08.762 (Earth Time: 01:15:38.209 GMT)

Athena sat in the park next to her mother, having a picnic on a sunny day. Her mother had commented that it was a 'glorious' day, though weather didn't matter to Athena, except when it affected her recruiting duties.

They were sitting on a blanket under a tree, both reading books, and her mother was eating a sandwich. Athena was reading a fictional book that her mother felt would give her insight into human behavior. It did provide some interesting information, but was also quite confusing.

"Mummy, I have noticed in my reading of this book – and other books, for that matter – that the emotion of 'love' plays a large role in much human literature. Yet, I notice that my mental states have no analogue. I have many emotion equivalents to various mental states, such as frustration, fear, concern, and others. These are fairly easy to define and map onto my mental states. I have dictionary definitions for all the human emotions, but 'love' is particularly difficult. The dictionary defines it as a 'state of passionate affection.' Yet, the definition of affection defines it as 'profound attachment or love.' This seems entirely unhelpful."

Caroline laughed. "That does seem like it would trigger a frustration mental state."

"It does," Athena agreed.

"The problem is that love is very difficult to define. It really does come down to a 'profound state of caring' about someone. You don't have a clear love emotion because there isn't an easy way to define the difference between regular 'caring,' which you do very much for your recruits, and 'love,' which is a special bond. And I realize that word 'special' is also entirely unhelpful."

"You have told me many times that you love me. In the past, I have assumed it was a synonym for caring about me. Does your love for me differ from loving a human?" Athena asked.

"I love you very much, the same way and as much as I would a human daughter, as odd as that may seem," Caroline replied.

Athena considered this. "Is it because you designed me? Do you love your other projects as well?"

"No, I don't," Caroline chuckled. "You're special in that way. It's admittedly a complex emotion and I'm not sure I can completely answer your questions. But I suppose it comes down to that I created you somewhat in my own image, the way I might create a human daughter. And that I raised you to a great extent like a human daughter. Lastly, I made you able to mentally grow and develop with your own identity and I don't know how far you will go – like a human daughter. I can watch you grow and take pride in that. I care about you to a profound extent."

"Does it bother you that I may never love you in return or even understand what that means?" Athena asked.

"No, sweetie, it doesn't," Caroline replied gently. "You are what you are. You have already so exceeded my expectations. I suppose being proud of you is somewhat self-serving, since I designed you. Nevertheless, I firmly believe you are more than 'just' a machine, even if you cannot decode the nature of love."

Athena paused, then asked, "Is it possible that I may someday have a mental state corresponding to love?"

"When I often say I have no idea what you're ultimately capable of, I mean it," Caroline replied. "There is much we don't understand about human minds and how certain behaviors emerge. Many behaviors are most likely complex interactions between many different things. That's why I didn't try and build everything into you. That's a fool's errand. I gave you many relatively simple behaviors, and the dynamic interplay between them produces complexity."

Athena made an evaluation of her mother, trying to define how she felt about her. "Even if I can't say that I love you, because I don't know what it means," she said. "I can at least say that you're the highest priority human to me."

Caroline chuckled, leaned over and kissed Athena's head. She rested her head against Athena's and said, "Darling, that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me."

Frank looked at the clock; it was five minutes to eight in the morning and Athena was due at eight. Knowing Athena, the door would be announcing her presence at nearly eight on the nose, which was another one of her quirks that amused him. She was extremely prompt; in fact, on the rare times she was late (several minutes counted as late to her), she usually felt the need to analyze exactly where the breakdown in her travel estimate happened.

He glanced in the mirror nearly unconsciously, doing a little check to make sure he looked okay. Lately he'd paid a bit more attention to being presentable. He told himself that since he was now a teenager and being mentored by Nix, he should probably look the part of a kid on his way up in the world. That's what he told himself in his front consciousness, but secretly, deep down, he hoped that Athena would notice.

His door buzzed and announced, "Your friend Athena is currently outside the door." Glancing at the clock again, Frank chuckled, noting it was eight on the nose. He called, "Come in!"

The door rolled up and Athena walked in with a smile, with a small backpack over her shoulders. "Hello, Frank," she said.

Frank grinned. "I've been reading about the forest in section 23. I think we're going to find some really interesting stuff over there. The surveying department T-posted me a nice map. Fortunately, it's all been checked out so that we don't get some weird poison rash."

"That's reassuring," Athena said. "I don't want you sent to the infirmary for weeks because of our excursion."

Frank laughed. "Let me just get my backpack and we can go," he said. "By the way, since the wall gate is so far off the tube, I ordered an autoride to take us. I told it 8:15."

"That's a good idea," Athena said.

Normally it was easier to just hop on the tube to wherever they wanted to go, but the autoride system allowed one to have an automated taxi show up at a certain time and take them directly. In this case, their destination was near a relatively undeveloped part of the city and thus the tube system didn't go very close.

They headed out the door and went down to the street just in time for the autoride to pull up, marked with Frank's name. It opened up and they climbed in. About twenty minutes later they arrived at the city wall, which had a new gate that allowed access to the forest. The car announced, "Hayden Forest access. All exit the car, please."

They got out and walked to the exit gate in the wall. Athena pressed the exit button and it automatically opened, showing a dense forest that came nearly up to the city wall. There were several signs in front of them labeling a number of open trails that look like they'd been cleared by the survey committee. They started down a path, the sun in the sky bright, sunny and warm, though there was a good wind blowing today. Frank remarked to himself how similar the sun seemed to Earth's sun. The color was slightly different if he really thought about it, but not enough to seem really alien.

They hiked down the trail about two hours, before deciding to turn around and head back. Tomorrowland itself was situated on a bluff, surrounded by several valleys and rivers, winding their way across the landscape. Frank reflected that it felt good to get out of the city, as pretty as it was. The natural environment here was alien, but the soils were similar and the plants were based on chlorophyll like Earth, and thus was similarly green and brown. He and Athena had a good conversation that the parallel evolution was interesting.

They saw many fascinating Tomorrowland flora and fauna, with many pretty open glades as well as some open cliffs with great views. Looking out over the view, they'd spotted an amazingly graceful flying creature that glided on two sets of wings, large ones in front and smaller ones in the rear, which seemed to give it extra maneuverability. At one point, the creature twisted its wings and body in such a way that it did a very fast barrel roll through the air, which Frank speculated allowed it to watch for and/or confuse predators flying above it.

Some little rodent-like creatures were particularly strange, though very funny; the animals could lock their front feet to their hind feet and turn themselves into little wheels, moving extremely fast. They had eyes on the sides of their head that turned with their body, and somehow they managed to glimpse enough to see where they were going. As Frank and Athena approached, they did their little wheel trick; their strong, limber bodies throwing up a little spray of dirt as they accelerated off to parts unknown, leaning left and right to steer themselves. Frank tried to figure out exactly how they contorted their body to generate forward movement, but it was a bit mysterious.

Frank stopped on the path for a moment to stretch himself out, and Athena stopped as well.

"We should be getting close," he said. "Probably another mile and a half? Let me check the map."

He pulled out the map, looking for a landmark they saw a bit farther back on the trail. Just as he found it, a gust of wind blew across the path and the map flew out of Frank's hand, between some trees and into the forest.

"Dang it," Frank yelled, chasing the map as it tumbled along the ground. Every time he thought he almost had it, the wind blew it again, making it go further.

It finally came to a stop next to a thicket of vines growing against a sheer rock face about fifty yards from the path. "Got it!" Frank said triumphantly, as Athena came up behind him. "Man, I can't believe how far that went."

As he pulled the map from the dense thicket, Frank noticed that something seemed off about how it lay against the rocks. "Hey, I think there's something here."

Athena came over and looked carefully next to him. "Yes, I believe there's a cave behind the foliage."

Frank pushed the vines aside and there was a narrow passage, about three to four feet wide. He peered into the cave. "I think I see light down at the other end. I think this is a natural tunnel."

"I believe you're right," Athena said. "I can see another area beyond the end of the tunnel, where there's green vegetation."

Frank peered again. "I can't see anything, just a glare at the end. I can't believe how good your eyes are. Anyway, I'm kind of curious. Should we go see?"

"Yes!" Athena said, sounding excited. "Let's go find out what's there."

Frank grinned. There was pretty much no end to Athena's curiosity; she was normally up for just about any adventure. He started to go through, but she touched his arm and stopped him.

"Frank, maybe I should go first," she said reasonably. "I'm smaller than you, so I'm less likely to get stuck if the passage gets narrow."

His first instinct was to be chivalrous and go first, but Frank couldn't argue with the logic. "All right, I guess so," he said reluctantly. "But be careful and I'll be right behind you."

Athena cocked her head curiously. "Are you concerned about me?"

Frank blushed, but gave a crooked smile. "Aww, come on, don't tease me. I was just trying to be a gallant knight in shining armor."

"If you were wearing armor and there was enough room for it, I would recommend you go first in that case," she said.

"Next time I'll bring the armor, it slipped my mind this time," he said.

Smiling, Athena entered the tunnel, Frank following close behind.

"I'm fairly certain the tunnel will not get too narrow," she said. "In fact, I believe it might even increase in size."

They emerged into a large clearing. The large rocky hill they came through hid a glade right next to a very high cliff that overlooked the river below. Beyond the river was more of the forest, with many open fields and rolling hills. The view was spectacular. The sides of the clearing were surrounded by trees and rocks, making it feel like an enclosed little courtyard. The glade was about thirty feet from entrance to cliff, and about eighty feet between the trees. The ground was a sandy mix of loose rock, which explained why it was clear.

"Wow, this is amazing," he said, looking around and walking toward the view. "Look at that view!"

"Yes, we can see quite a bit of the valley," she replied.

Frank looked back at the hole, then at the ground. "I'm just guessing, but it looks like a stream might've carved the hole and then went over this cliff, maybe an ancient waterfall. It's pretty dry around here, though. It must be dead a long time."

"That seems like a good theory," Athena said approvingly. "That would explain the sandy ground."

"How about we stop here for lunch?" Frank asked, looking around. "In fact, we can make a little table from that dried out split log over there and maybe get some rocks for chairs."

"All right," Athena said. "That's a clever idea for the table."

Frank smiled at the compliment. "What did you bring for lunch? I brought a turkey sandwich and some nuts."

"I brought some crackers, but I'm not hungry," Athena said.

Frank shook his head, amused. "I don't know how you can't be hungry after a three-hour hike, but okay."

He'd observed before that Athena had a tiny appetite, but he'd come to think that she was just very shy about eating in front of him. It was odd, but he accepted it as one of her quirks – of which there were many – and her quirks were many of the things he liked about her.

He walked over and grabbed the dry log, which fortunately was fairly light and didn't seem to have any bugs in it. He brought it near the edge of the cliff, then gathered some rocks which he placed into two piles of roughly equal height. He placed the log on top of the piles. "There! That'll work for a table," he said, satisfied.

"Help me bring over a couple of those big rocks over there, and we can sit on them," Frank said.

Athena nodded as she walked over with him to the rocks. "Frank, be careful, those rocks look quite heavy."

They did seem big, but Frank didn't want to look like a weakling. He reached down and lugged a rock up in his hands, making an 'oof' sound. Fortunately, his farm life paid off.

"You know, these are pretty heavy," Frank said, grunting. "Maybe you should let me…" Frank stopped as Athena reached down and started lifting her rock very quickly, but then seemed to realize how heavy they were, because she lifted the rest of the way very slowly as she glanced at him.

"Yes, these are quite heavy," Athena said. "But I think I can manage."

Frank blinked. "Uh, yeah, better not lift that fast, you could hurt your back."

"I'll be careful," she said.

They brought their rocks over and placed them in front of the log, so they could both face the river. Frank dropped his rock heavily to the ground with a thud, while Athena more carefully placed hers. That is one strong girl, Frank thought admiringly, which was all the more amazing because of how small and slim she was. Just another thing he liked about her, though he couldn't help but be amused imagining how ecstatic his father would be if he brought home someone like her, who could lug rocks like a farm hand.

They sat down and Frank took out his lunch, spreading it on the table. Athena pulled out her lunch, a box of crackers, but left it in front of her without opening the package. Crackers. I mean, really. Frank shook his head with a slight smile at his friend's odd ways.

They chatted about the things they'd seen that day, Frank particularly excited about several caves. He suggested they plan a trip in the future to explore them with some flashlights and path markers, and Athena readily agreed.

Frank finished his lunch and leaned on the table, just enjoying the view and feeling very right with the world. He couldn't imagine life could get much better than this with the warm sun on his back, a full stomach, the view in front of him, and not least, sharing it with his best friend who happened to be a very pretty girl. Everything in his life was in focus, converging to a sharp point in the glade.

He looked over at Athena. He studied her eyes, with the vivid blue-gray color that ran in her family, which were particularly bright out here in the sunshine. She smiled and Frank felt his heart thumping in his chest. Suddenly he had an urge to do the thing that felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Frank leaned over, touched his lips to Athena's, and kissed her. Time seemed to stop for him as all the rest of existence fell away, just leaving the two of them in the moment. Over the following decades, he would look back on this kiss, his first one, and realize that it could never have an equal the rest of his life.

Athena noticed Frank looking at her very strangely, in the way she'd been very concerned about lately. She smiled at him, which had become her go-to strategy to handle it, mostly because she hadn't any idea what else to do. Frank continued to study her, then began reducing the distance between them. At first, she thought he wanted to see something about her face close up. Perhaps she had some dirt on it.

But Frank closed the distance until he touched his mouth to hers. Athena quickly identified this gesture as a human 'kiss.' The problem was that a kiss could have many interpretations, according to her information on human behavior. Her processing units branched off in different directions, testing various scenarios. Her mother kissed her – but that was a gesture of family affection, and was never lips-to-lips. That wasn't it. Human friends did kiss occasionally, but it was more normally lip-to-cheek. Lip-to-lip was possible, but the time length was typically short, and Frank's kiss was exceeding that time by a wide margin.

Another interpretation was human romantic affection. It was normally between peers. Romantic kisses could be any length of time, but long kisses lip-to-lip were nearly always romantic. This kiss seemed to be matching the parameters of a romantic gesture.

Athena realized that if this was a romantic kiss, then Frank's belief in her humanness had reached a new level of problem, far beyond what had come before. She considered stopping him, but the physical contact was triggering numerous confusing and often conflicting thoughts.

While she got none of the physical pleasure out of the kiss that humans supposedly got from chemical hormones, the potential meaning behind it – that Frank thought enough of her to want to express great affection – definitely pleased her. Since she knew kisses expressed more intimate contact, it called forth memories of Frank sharing his more intimate thoughts and feelings, which generated feelings of trust, also pleasing her.

At the same time, she recognized that morally she should stop the kiss right now and immediately tell Frank the truth. He was owed the knowledge of her nature. But this was an extremely complex undertaking and she feared that if she did it the wrong way, not only would she hurt Frank, but she could damage her friendship with him, which was very important.

Athena's debate with herself became moot as Frank drew back and the kiss ended. She examined Frank's face and her empathy measured that a number of complex emotions were going through him, with a significant one being fear. She had little information on human romanticism, but she knew that Frank was most likely in an emotionally vulnerable state, and it was imperative that he not be hurt. Her response to this event was crucial.

Athena searched her information on humans for the right response behavior, but her data on this was woefully small. She would have to improvise. When in doubt, smile. So she gave him a very warm smile, which fortunately seemed to make Frank happy, and his fear dissipated. But she felt she needed more data to confirm her theory that it was a romantic gesture, so she reached over and touched his hand. Measuring his pulse, his heart was racing at 112 beats/minute and increasing. That seemed to confirm his heightened emotional state. But touching his hand also appeared to help with his mental state, because he then smiled warmly at Athena.

She felt Frank grip her hand in return and increase his hand pressure. Her empathy registered him as very happy.

"Ready to go?" he said.

"Yes, I'm ready, Frank," she replied.

Frank started gathering up their trash and stuffing it in his backpack, but still held her hand, somewhat confusing Athena. It seemed more practical to use both hands for the job, but this seemed the way he wanted to go about it.

Suddenly Frank released her hand and started moving quickly toward the edge of the clearing. "Wait! I've got an idea," he said excitedly, stopping at the largest tree. He reached into his front pocket and pulled out his multi-tool. He flipped a knife blade out and grinned back at Athena.

She was very curious what he had in mind as Frank applied the knife to the tree. He started carving letters in it. A few minutes later, she saw he had carved "Frank + Athena" into the tree, as he stepped back and admired his work.

"There, now this can be our secret place," he said.

The whole concept of some sort of "secret place" in the forest that belonged to her and Frank was so far beyond any idea she could have had on her own that her mind temporarily stalled trying to process it. She simply had no basis or experience to compare it to, so once again she had to improvise.

"I suppose we'll need to share our place with the animals and insects of the forest," she said. Having no idea what a proper response to Frank's action should be, she decided to focus on practicality.

Frank laughed, and fortunately it was a humorous laugh and not a mocking or confused one. Athena decided her response had been sufficient for him.

"Yeah, it's hard to keep them out. But I don't think too many humans will stumble across this place. It was total luck we found it," Frank said. "Well, now ready to go?"

Athena nodded, and they crawled back through the tunnel to the outside of the clearing, emerging back into the forest where they rejoined the trail. As they started walking, Frank reached over and took her hand once again. She knew that hand-holding was a gesture used in many different types of human relationships and thus she couldn't necessarily draw conclusions from it, though the recent context strongly implied another romantic gesture. Since he desired holding hands and that was at least not as overtly romantic as kissing, she decided to let it go for now. Frank was very quiet, giving her a chance to consider what happened.

She reviewed what she knew of human romantic relationships. They were typically entered to form a partnership, where humans would make joint decisions and do activities together. In time, sometimes these relationships became more permanent in the form of marriage, and the partners would work together toward their common future. There was also a physical aspect to romance having to do with human sexuality and reproduction, regarding which there was much literature.

Above all, however, it was clear that humans were often very emotionally vulnerable in romantic relationships. She realized that, however their relationship might be affected, Frank absolutely had to be told as soon as possible that she wasn't human. Things had grown far out of control, and she was very worried that he could be damaged emotionally if this went much further. She considered telling him now, but he was so happy at the moment that it seemed like a bad time.

As she considered all this, Athena also began having a significant episode of the odd, complex mental states that she could not classify, similar to what had happened in the past, but taking over much more of her mind. Her confusion was increasing, as parts of her mind fragmented off into free association. She recalled when Frank had played the fortune teller game with her, the attractive idea of "we are the future" now creating associations with what she knew was Frank's desire to have a human-style partner relationship with her. She knew the idea was completely unworkable, but it pleased her nonetheless, and she could not explain why. Memories of their past time together kept entering her mind, with her desire for more of the novel adventures they had shared, and how he helped to bridge her limitation of having original ideas, and the whole new idea of a special place shared by the two of them, and…

Athena felt herself losing mental control. She refocused her attention on their environment, hoping to calm her wayward mind. She watched the trees moving past, which served to pace her processing and let it settle down. She concluded there was nothing to be done at the moment about Frank and her need to tell him the truth.

As they walked, however, her physical contact with Frank's hand kept triggering more memories of her times with him. She finally allowed her mind to give in to total free association, as her mother had predicted long ago might happen. She noticed that just allowing the memories to come without trying to force anything else calmed her mind – and the memories did please her, making her smile.

Sometime later, she noticed Frank peek over and, seeing her smile, he looked forward again with his own smile before continuing on their way.

Author's Note: Please Review!

The official story site is at www. frankandathena .com for discussions of the story! - T.K.