My grandfather used to say that almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Then my Grammy would answer, "yes, Poppa, everybody knows, almost doesn't count." It's true. Think about it. When is it almost good enough?" ~Bella, Almost Doesn't Count

This is a companion fic to Almost Doesn't Count, not sure if it will be able to stand alone or not. It's all Edward, all the time. This will be a series of outtakes of sorts, letting us in to the wonderful world of Edward. His past, his thoughts, his conversations we didn't get to listen in on w/BPOV. It may be sad at times because of Esme. Hold me. ~ Mrs. R.

Not beta'd yet, I might come back & fix it later!

((Pst, When Edward talks below it will be in italics so you don't get confused.))

~*x*~

Dear God,

I feel like a broken record. Each time I sit to write in this prayer journal my thoughts always go back to the same things. That makes me feel guilty, so today I am not going to speak of my personal wishes, but for prayers for others.

To start off I pray for you to please be with Carlisle. He has always been a sturdy rock for our family. Never has he wavered, never has he been weak. Never, but even the strongest steel has a breaking point. The heat of the fire during these troubles of his life are wearing him down. I see it in the faintest wrinkles in his face. I see it in the stray gray hairs present on his head. I see how his smile doesn't always make his eyes twinkle. I notice how he sometimes stares off into the distance, lost in his worries, his concerns. He has not spoken a word to me or Emmett about my mother or her cancer. I know he is trying to be strong for us – for her, so I pray that when his fire reaches its peak, when it can't get any hotter, that he is able to bend, mold, and give into the flames instead of shattering and breaking from them. Hold him together. Let him fall to his knees to thank you for the wonderful years he has spent with his treasure in his arms. But please forgive him if he forgets. Forgive him if when his heart is breaking he blames you – chastises you, cries out to you in anger instead of gratitude. His eyes will be blinded with tears of sorrow and pain. He'll be lost without my mother by his side. Lift him up, be his light and guide him through the darkness.

Please continue to look over Ethan. He is such a blessing to me, I can't imagine my life without him. There are days I just want to sit and hold him. I have terrible thoughts when I think that something could possibly go wrong with this adoption. I can't promise that I won't do something I'm not proud of. I refuse to lose him. Thank you for keeping him healthy. Thank you for allowing him to show me a love that I never knew existed. Thank you most of all for allowing me to be in the presence of an angel and witnessing heaven on earth. Continue to be with him as he grows and develops. I know that he is an extension of your grace and I am eternally grateful.

I pray for Emmett, he needs all the help he can get.

I pray for Bella even though I don't know her very well.

I pray for Esme, healing and strength, among everything else I always ask for.

I pray for the people I left back in Russia and my fellow PIH friends.

These things I bring and lay at your feet in the name of your father. Amen. ~E.C.

~*x*~

I drove around the parking lot looking for a place to park. Ethan and I were to meet Jasper in ten minutes at McDonald's. I used to swear I would never eat in a place that had an indoor playground. That was post-child, now it was one of my favorite places to go. Definitely not because of the food but because of the fact that Ethan could run and scream as loud as he wanted, and it was totally acceptable, expected even. He gets to play and I get to eat mediocre food and have adult conversations.

So worth it.

Jaz was already standing in line, his hands shoved in his pockets, rocking on the balls of feet. Dressed in his fancy pants paired with his designer t-shirts. Alice clothed him well. I asked him to order me the grilled chicken combo and I found my way to the back to get us a table near the slide.

Ethan was wiggling to get down and it was all I could do to remove his shoes before he took off for the little play place.

Thank you Ronald.

Not much longer Jasper joined me at our table and after the general greetings we began to eat.

"So how have you been? Alice well?"

"She's good. Busy as always. Same as me."

I nodded and chewed.

"How are you doing? Emmett's been keepin' me up to speed on your mother. Edward man, I sure do hate that about her."

"Thanks Jaz. She seems to be holding it together better than expected. She's tough."

"So what did you think of Ms. Swan? Meet your expectations?"

"You talkin' about Bella?"

"Wooo, first name basis already? You work fast Cullen."

"You don't know do you?"

"Um, obviously not. What is there to know?"

I smirked.

"Hell Edward! You didn't already get in her pants did you?"

"No – Jasper, come on. You think that low of me?"

"Not really but your bein' all shady & 'you don't know do you,' What am I supposed to think?" He was mocking me.

"I thought maybe my mother told you."

"Told me what Edward! Spit it out."

"Well, I thought she told you that Bella and I went to school together."

"And...."

"And what?"

"There has to be more than that Edward. Who gives a shit if you went to school with her? You went to school with a boat load of people."

"And that I kinda had a thing for her back then. In high school. I never went out with her or anything."

"Are you shittin' me?'

"No Jasper, I am not shittin' you."

"Are you over her?"

"Wha--"

"Tell me, are you over her?" His voice was rising.

"Wha-- Yeah. Yes. I haven't seen her but once, no twice since graduation. It was a long damn time ago. Wait! What does that matter?"

"Because if you are NOT over her, I don't want her representing you. Plain and simple."

"Enlighten me. What are you talking about?"

"There are a million reasons why and I assure you none of them concern your well being. Where should I start? Hmm, okay, my firm for example. I have yet to have a problem with my lawyers getting it on with their clients. We are professionals. I don't want to start that trend. I'm not saying it hasn't or won't happen but I sure in the hell am not going to encourage it!"

"Sure, I get that. Bu---"

"Whitlock and Associates prides itself on personal attention and that does not include you getting your rocks off. We have an outstanding winning reputation. Not saying that it would, but Edward when a lawyer gets too involved with their case, if there is a fall, the fall is steep and the landing is hard."

"Okay--"

"But more importantly, I am thinking of Bella. I don't know her that well but I know she's had it rough. She's quiet, reserved. She seems to have very few friends. She never joins us for after hour staff get togethers. She keeps to herself. I know her kind and her work, her career, it's all she's got. She's determined, thorough, and very professional. Bella is one of my best and because of that, I will not support you jeopardizing her career by some stupid desire you had to get in her pants in high school."

"Jasper--"

"I'm serious Edward. You need to promise me you can keep this platonic. So tell me, are you over her?"

"Chill out!! Good gracious! I had a thing for her YEARS AGO Jasper. A lot has happened since then. I don't know really know her anymore. But I agree with you, she seems very good at what she does and I want her to represent me. I promise to keep it as much on a friendly level as I can but if she jumps on me---" I couldn't help but joke.

"Edward Cullen. I am being serious right now. She is going to be around you and Ethan a lot. I mean, she is going to be all up in your business. Just so you know, I won't intervene again. If something happens between the two of you, I won't stop it, but think of her Edward. Keep it cool for her. Think with your head, not your dick."

"You give me a helluva lot of credit. I mean, please stop. Jaz I am not some man whore! You know that right? I am also an adult who can make big boy decisions – for himself. My main concern is Ethan and getting this adoption over with as soon as possible. That's it. I can't promise you anything more than that but your going to have to trust me. Shit!"

"I'm sorry Edward but I was just trying to set you straight."

"Thank you for schooling me on the ways of the world, but I can manage. Esme is the one you need to worry about. She's convinced Bella and I are meant to be. So go set her straight." I raised my eyebrows.

"Asshole! You know I love your momma and if she wants you doing the hanky panky with Bella, so be it. I'm not going to tell her any different. She probably just wants you to get with somebody! She wants to see you happy and settled down."

"Hell, I'm adopting. A. Kid. Does it get anymore settled down than that?"

"No, I guess you got a point there. You know what I mean though."

I agree.

"I'm going to say something to Bella."

"Don't you dare! I mean it Jasper. She doesn't need to know about all that back then. No! Not now." He better not.

"I am going to say something to her, but I won't spill your little secrets. I'll let you handle that as you see fit."

"Please don't. Seriously."

Jasper took another bite and smirked at me. He had better not say a damn thing!

I diverted our conversation away from Bella or more away from Bella and myself. I don't have plans to seduce her or break her heart or anything like that. But I won't mention to Jasper the way my stomach flip-flopped when she came around. Or the way I could still see myself getting lost in the wonder of eyes. Or the way her smile made me tingle all over. Or the way I can't wait to see her again. I won't mention those things. Those are my secrets to keep.

~*x*~

Do not keep secret the longings of your heart, for when they are revealed they will guide your way home.

Some of the requests I have had are what he was thinking while B was sleeping, their kiss, their dance, the fair, Forks, some EdwardxEthan history, if they thought of each other after HS, so any others? Anything that sticks out & you think, Hmm, what was Edward thinking? Let me know, I'll try. If you like it, you need tell me in the way of REVIEWS! There is lots we don't know about! ::wiggles eyebrows::

~Stacy