You asked for more, and so I created more. Thank you to MudstarMord-Sith, Shoveler, FallenOutTheWindow, Nicky, and TheSilentWatchman for your comments, and to anyonewho may comment in the future - or even if you don't, and just enjoy reading. Most of all though, you can all thank my mother. She encourages this lunacy more than anyone.

Swearing and sexual humour as before - be warned. ;)

And so I give to you ...

THE STREAKER RETURNS

(AKA, THE SYFY CHANNEL HASN'T RUN OUT OF FUNDING YET)

[The scene opens far less dramatically than Season One, with everyone having a party in some kind of barn. I don't know where this is supposed to be.]

BOOK FANS: Mud people!

[Yes, yes, let's go with that.]

RICHARD: And that's the story of how I defeated Darken Rahl by running naked in front of him.

TAVERN WENCHES: [Awed.]

KAHLAN: Richard, put some fricking clothes on. You're not impressing anybody.

TAVERN WENCHES: [Still awed.]

KAHLAN: Extras don't count.

[Something suddenly smashes in through the window.]

KAHLAN: Oh good God, it's the plot for Season Two!

ZEDD: No, no. Just a horrifying monster.

[He freezes it in a fountain and smashes it.]

ZEDD: Hmm … those sorts of monsters come from the Underworld. Let's go and investigate!

KAHLAN: I smell plot …

[The main characters go off to investigate.]

RICHARD: So, err, Kahlan. What with Darken Rahl being dead and the only threat to the world eliminated and you being madly in love with me and all … how's about some confessor sex?

KAHLAN: Well I don't see why not. I mean, you are already naked.

ZEDD: Richard, put your clothes. Kahlan, stop considering taking yours off. I've found the plot. I mean; a rift.

[There's a big glowing green crack in the ground.]

KAHLAN: That looks healthy.

ZEDD: It's a rift into the Underworld itself, which can only mean … THE KEEPER IS COMING TO DESTROY US ALL!

RICHARD: I think I speak for everyone when I say: Who the crap is the Keeper?

ZEDD: Oh, silly Richard. You know – the Keeper. The one who rules the Underworld. The place where all evil souls go after they die.

RICHARD: Oh, you mean the Devi–

ZEDD: Keeper!

RICHARD: And this is my problem because …?

ZEDD: You're the True Streaker. It's your destiny.

RICHARD: Oh God. This show just went up five notches in cheesiness.

[Meanwhile, in the People's Palace. I think.]

MORD SITH #1: Cara! You killed Darken Rahl!

CARA: Yeah, it's a long story. See, if he'd lived, his son in the future would have killed us all for no particular reason. I know this because I briefly magically travelled to the future.

MORD SITH #2: And you didn't just wait until he had this son and kill the child because …?

CARA: Be … cause … damn it.

MORD SITH #3: Let's punish her.

CARA: In the kinky lesbionic agiel sex kind of way?

MORD SITH #4: No. In the stealing your agiel, cutting off your plait, and beating you to a bloody pulp kind of way.

CARA: Again, damn it.

[Out in the woods.]

RICHARD: [Trips over.] Oof! Who put this dead Mord Sith in my way?

CARA: I'm not dead.

RICHARD: GAH!

CARA: I had my agiel taken from me. I've been de-Mord Sith'd.

RICHARD: Aww, poor Cara. Can we keep her?

ZEDD: Richard, she's a dangerous killing machine, not a puppy. Of course we're keeping her.

KAHLAN: I don't trust you.

CARA: Well, as Richard is Darken Rahl's brother –

BOOK FANS: [COUGHSONCOUGH!]

CARA: – he's technically the new Lord Rahl and therefore my master.

KAHLAN: Oh. Okiedokey. I trust you now.

RICHARD: I'm King of D'Hara? Sweet! I mean … oh no … I don't want money or power or to be loved for not ruling like a tyrant.

KAHLAN: Good boy, Richard. Have a Streaker Snack. [She throws a biscuit at him.]

RICHARD: Roh boy!

CARA: Tell me, does the stupidity in our merry band get worse than 'Scooby Doo' references?

ZEDD: Oh God yes.

RICHARD: Hey look, more Mord Sith! HEY! HEY! CARA'S FRIENDS! WANT TO JOIN US TOO?

CARA: [Kills them and takes their agiels.] I'm back, baby. And wearing my leather catsuit lower cut than ever.

RICHARD: [Drools.]

MEN IN AUDIENCE: [Drool.]

KAHLAN: That's lovely. Now what the Hell are we meant to be doing, anyway?

ZEDD: Looking for the Stone of Tears. I don't know how or why, bit it will somehow fix everything. Here's a dandy compass to lead us to it.

KAHLAN: Ohh, pretty! [She goes to take it.]

ZEDD: Ah-buh-buh! Only Richard can read it. Richard! Stop staring at Cara's ample cleavage and tell us where to go.

RICHARD: Zedd?

ZEDD: Yes?

RICHARD: I got captured.

ZEDD: Oh, for the love of –!

[In a big pretty temple.]

PRELATE: Hello, Richard. We're the Sisters of the Light. We're going to teach you how to become a good, peaceful wizard.

RICHARD: You captured me, put a magical collar on me, and hid me away from my friends – and you're the good guys?

PREALTE: Ayep!

[Back in the woods.]

ZEDD: Okay, let's use the compass to find Richard before he meets the Sisters of the Dark, too.

KAHLAN: I thought it pointed to the Stone of Tears!

ZEDD: It points to whatever the plot requires.

CARA: And I thought only Richard could use it!

ZEDD: I'm special.

[Back in the pretty temple.]

PRELATE: So, Han is basically another irritating magical thing. It's your life force. You use it to do magic, bit if someone steals it from you, they steal your magic.

RICHARD: I have a horrible feeling that's going to be happening a lot.

PRELATE: Oh, you have no idea.

RICHARD: Can I go now?

PRELATE: Nope. You can never leave. There's a prophecy that says you'll hand the Stone of Tears over to the Keeper, and as prophecies have always turned out exactly as we expected them to in the past, we'll just have to keep you locked up here forever.

[Back in the woods.]

KAHLAN: Zedd, you clearly don't know how to read that thing.

ZEDD: Of course I do.

KAHLAN: You're holding it upside-down.

CARA: Look, there's a nice man over there. Let's ask for directions.

ZEDD: I'M NOT ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS!

[Back in the pretty temple.]

NIKKI: Aw, Richard, you look sad.

RICHARD: I want to go home. :(

NIKKI: Won't the mean old Prelate let you leave? Don't worry; I'll get you out of here.

RICHARD: Gosh, thank you! What a nice, pretty lady!

NIKKI: :)

[Back in the woods.]

KAHLAN: Are we there yet?

ZEDD: No.

CARA: Are we there yet?

ZEDD: No.

KAHLAN: Will we be there in two more episodes?

ZEDD: Yes.

CARA: One more episode?

ZEDD: Yes.

[…]

KAHLAN: Are we there yet?

[Back in the pretty temple.]

NIKKI: Now you've just got to give me all of your Han and I can get that collar off of you.

RICHARD: Okiedokey!

[Back in the woods.]

ZEDD: Durrrrrr – hey look!

CARA: Is it the Sisters of the Light?

ZEDD: Nope. Squirrel.

[Pause.]

ZEDD: There are the Sisters of the Light! Hello, we're here to rescue Richard.

SISTERS: Uhh, about that. We were trying to look after him, then a Sister of the Dark came along and stole of his Han, and now he's running through the Valley of Perdition.

BOOK FANS: Isn't it the Valley of the Lost and the Towers of Perdition?

ZEDD: Shush now!

KAHLAN: Oh, look, Richard hasn't run that far! I can see him.

ZEDD: No! Don't step in the desert. You'll start hallucinating and go crazy and never get out!

KAHLAN: How come Richard's okay?

RICHARD: … we muffins do not dance the tango …

[His eyes roll back and he faints.]

KAHLAN: See? Perfectly fine.

CARA: I'll get him.

ZEDD: No!

CARA: Oh, come on! He's three feet in front of me!

ZEDD: That's three feet of waltzing muffins and then you're dead.

CARA: … I'll get a lasso.

[With the aid of a lasso and lots of fun pretending to be cowboys, they eventually pull Richard back to safety.]

RICHARD: But who speaks better than the parrot! Oh, hi, guys.

ZEDD: Here's your stupid compass. Now where the Hell are we going?

RICHARD: This way. Oh, look! There's a load of women running screaming at us.

ZEDD: Fangirls?

RICHARD: No, that's my friend Nikki! HI NIKKI!

[He gets shot down.]

KAHLAN: Richard, you moron!

RICHARD: Remember me … as a Streaker … [Dies.]

[The Underworld.]

RICHARD: Where am I? Why is it green? Why am I naked? Why is everybody else naked? Is this an orgy?

RAHL: Not quite.

RICHARD: HOLY CRAP – oh it's okay you're wearing clothes.

RAHL: Yeah, the fanservice won't come 'til later. This scene is just to make the fangirls jittery.

RICHARD: I thought I killed you.

RAHL: Yeah, we're in the Underworld.

RICHARD: Wait – what! I spent my life fighting evil! How did I end up here!

RAHL: Karma's a bitch, huh? And while we're on the subject of karma: you streaked me to death! You bastard!

RICHARD: Aw yeah! :D

RAHL: I SAW YOUR PENIS!

RICHARD: My beautiful, un-scarred, not-scorched-off penis!

RAHL: I'LL KILL YOU!

RICHARD: Aren't I already dead?

RAHL: RAAAAWR! D:

[The land of the living.]

KAHLAN: Alright, moron, wake up.

RICHARD: GAH! I just had the weirdest dream! And none of you were in it!

KAHLAN: That wasn't a dream, you idiot. You died. Cara brought you back to life.

RICHARD: Mord Sith can do that?

CARA: Yup! You'd think, as a murderous, psychotic, sociopathic killer, it would be against my principles, but apparently not!

RAHL: Guess who else came back to life today!

RICHARD: What the Hell!

RAHL: See, I had a body double and found this spell to put my soul in his body and … well, long story short, I'm here to appease the fangirls, because your stories are so dreadfully boring. Here, this scroll should tell you what to do with the Stone of Tears.

RICHARD: [Reading.] "Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs think Severus Snape should keep his greasy nose out of other people's business …"

RAHL: Oops! Wrong scroll. Here, this one tells you what to do with the Stone of Tears.

RICHARD: Are you on our side now? Do you want to join our merry band?

RAHL: Nope, not really. By the way, the scroll can only be read by the light of a night wisp. Toodles!

[He nances off.]

KAHLAN: What just happened?

RICHARD: I think the fangirls are holding the writers' children for ransom.

KAHLAN: Ah, that explains a lot. Let's go to the night wisps.

[They go to the night wisps. The whole forest has been destroyed.]

KAHLAN: Oh, the humanity!

RAHL: Boo! I killed all the night wisps! Mwahahahaha! Well, actually, not all of them. I have this pregnant one here. Now gimme the scroll.

RICHARD: Why? You gave it to us in the first place!

RAHL: The writers got their children back. I'm evil again. Gimme or I'll squidge her.

KAHLAN: Why would you hurt a poor little fairy?

RAHL: [Takes the scroll.] Have you heard these things? "HEY! LISTEN! LISTEN! LOOK! HELLO! LISTEN!" It's enough to drive you crazy.

[He reads the scroll, then burns it.]

RAHL: Ha! Now only I know, and you'll be forced to let me join your merry band to find out, and I can bask in the glory that is being a goodie!

RICHARD: We asked if you wanted to join us not five minutes ago! You said no!

RAHL: I changed my mind. I want to be a goodie.

RICHARD: And you thought you'd start your career with the mass slaughter of fairy kind?

RAHL: Err …

RICHARD: Never mind. Kahlan, take the flipping night wisp before he changes his mind again and squidges her.

CARA: I'll take her. She's to go to this special place to have her babies, and I see a chance to develop my character by talking incessantly to my glowing fist for half an episode.

[She takes the night wisp and begins to walk off.]

NIGHT WISP: LISTEN!

CARA: No, you listen, you little sparkly mosquito! When I was a little girl …

RICHARD: Kahlan, go with her and make sure she doesn't hurt it. We manly men can go and get on with this stupid quest.

ZEDD: Richard, the Sisters of the Dark are after us.

RICHARD: Oh, crap!

[He ducks and Darken Rahl is hit.]

FANGIRLS: NOOO! NOT AGAIN!

RICHARD: Jesus … okay, Zedd, go and find Cara. She'll give him the breath of life. I'll try and convince him to tell me what the scroll said before he dies.

ZEDD: Toodles!

RAHL: Blegh …

[Meanwhile, many miles away.]

CARA: … and then I finally joined Richard's merry band.

[Pause.]

CARA: Hello? Hello? Oh God, I think I bored her to death.

KAHLAN: It's okay, look; the babies survived.

CARA: Oh yay.

BABY NIGHT WISPS: HEY! LOOK! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! HEY!

CARA: Let's get out of here. They're pissing me off already.

ZEDD: Hello! Darken Rahl get shot. We need Cara to bring him back to life.

CARA: What did you lot even do before I was around?

ZEDD: Gathered human body shields. Lots of them.

[Back with Richard and Rahl.]

RAHL: Okay, Richard … the secret of the scroll …

RICHARD: Yes?

RAHL: The scroll said …

RICHARD: Yeees?

RAHL: It told you to …

RICHARD: Yeeeeees?

RAHL: Take the Stone of Tears and …

RICHARD: Yeeeeeeeees?

RAHL: Take the Stone of Tears …

RICHARD: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?

RAHL: AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE! [Dies.]

[Pause.]

RICHARD: GOD DAMN IT!

CARA: Calm down, Richard. I just happen to be here now to bring him back to life.

[She brings him back to life. The fangirls breathe a collective sigh of relief.]

RAHL: [Gasp!] AHAHAHA – oh shit! Um … I was just kidding around …?

RICHARD: :(

KAHLAN: :(

CARA: :D Agiel torture time?

ZEDD: No. No, I kidnapped this random mind-reading child to tell us what the scroll said by reading Rahl's mind.

CHILD: I see dead people …

ZEDD: That's nice. Now, do as the plot requires.

CHILD: [Sigh.] Fine. You have to take the Stone of Tears to the Pillars of Creation on the Summer Solstice.

[The Book Fans are gagged before they can complain.]

RAHL: Bye!

[He somehow zips away.]

ZEDD: Alright. Back to running around aimlessly searching for the Stone of Tears. Here's the compass, Richard.

CHILD: Your mother searches for the Stone of Tears in Hell!

ZEDD: Oh go away, you demented, stereotypical psychic child.

[He goes away. They all begin to walk around, following the compass's directions.]

KAHLAN: Where are we?

ZEDD: I'm bored.

[Several episodes pass.]

CARA: If we don't find some plot soon, I swear I'm going to stick my agiel in my –

RICHARD: :D

CARA: – ear. That's how you kill someone with an agiel, you know.

RICHARD: There are no words to describe how disappointed I am right now.

[Meanwhile …]

RAHL: I'm naked in a swimming pool!

FANGIRLS: [Struggle not to drown in their own drool.]

HENCHMAN: Is there any point to this scene, besides fanservice?

RAHL: Nope! Now go away, you're ruining it. And capture Cara while you're out there.

[Back with the not-so-merry band.]

CARA: This is ridiculous! Do you see how low-cut I'm having to wear my top to keep the audience's attention? Do you!

RICHARD: Don't worry, Cara. We all see. :D

CARA: Zedd, if it turns out we're walking around in circles because you put the Stone of Tears on a necklace around a little girl's neck and she's lost in the Valley of Perdition, you cannot fathom the pain I will bring you.

ZEDD: Don't be ridiculous. That couldn't possibly happen in the series.

CARA: Why not?

ZEDD: Because it was in the book. Now watch out, you're about to be captured.

CARA: What!

[She gets captured.]

ZEDD: [Sigh.] I'll rescue her. You two fetch the Stone of Tears.

[Richard and Kahlan go skipping off.]

RICHARD: Confessor sex now?

KAHLAN: No.

RICHARD: Now?

KAHLAN: No!

RICHARD: How about n–

KAHLAN: Would you look at that, we've reached the secret magical place where the Stone of Tears is kept! And there's a whole load of people here!

RICHARD: Damn it!

PEOPLE: Here's the Stone of Tears.

RICHARD: Oh. Thanks. How overly trusting and helpful of you. Are you sure you don't want to fight to the death over it or something?

PEOPLE: Nope. We're peaceful. You can keep it.

RICHARD: Cool. We'll be going now.

PEOPLE: Actually, you won't. You're trapped here for eternity. :)

RICHARD: … confessor sex?

KAHLAN: No.

[Meanwhile, in Darken Rahl's evil shag pad.]

MORD SITH #1: It's a good thing Cara's a lesbian, or that plan never would've worked.

CARA: I'M A WHAT!

[She glares at the writers.]

WRITERS: Fanservice!

RAHL: Cara, stop giving the writers evils and let me use my evil magic to make you a villain again.

CARA: Oh fine.

ZEDD: I'm here to rescue you!

[He rescues her.]

CARA: Hooray!

ZEDD: Now I'm going to rescue Richard and Kahlan!

[He rescues them.]

KAHLAN: Gee, you're being helpful today!

RICHARD: And we have the Stone of Tears now!

ZEDD: Hooray!

CARA: Yoink!

[She steals the Stone of Tears and runs off.]

ZEDD: Bugger.

RICHARD: What now?

ZEDD: Oh, I know! I'll make it so Cara never became a Mord Sith! Then she won't have turned evil again and stolen the Stone of Tears!

RICHARD: If you can do that, why don't you make it so that Darken Rahl was never born? Then this whole awful series would never have happened!

ZEDD: He has fangirls, Richard. You just don't mess with them.

[Zedd makes it so that Cara never became a Mord Sith.]

ZEDD: GAH! Where am I? What happened?

RICHARD: We're at the People's Palace. You just pronounced me and Kahlan husband and wife.

ZEDD: Why are you wearing Darken Rahl's coat?

RICHARD: I'm King of D'Hara now.

RAHL: And I am your humble and friendly advisor. I've become such a good and happy person since Richard obtained the Power of Orden and mind-controlled me as Cara wasn't there to stop him in Season One. Oops! That's the fangirls calling. Must dash, I have toenails to paint!

CARA: And I'm a reasonably happy peasant woman with two beautiful children and absolutely no bitterness in my life. How I love not having been kidnapped and tortured my whole life!

ZEDD: My God, this world is wonderful. Richard rules fairly over a peaceful and thriving kingdom; Kahlan's confessor powers apparently mean bugger all here; Rahl gets on with his fangirls; Cara's actually happy about something other than causing pain and suffering … it's perfect.

[Pause.]

ZEDD: THIS WORLD MUST BE DESTROYED IMMEDIATELY!

[He magics everything back to how it was.]

RICHARD: I'm a filthy peasant. :(

KAHLAN: My confessor powers will destroy anyone I love. :(

RAHL: I'm evil and I hate fangirls. :(

CARA: I'm bitter and psychopathic. :(

D'HARAN PEOPLE: We're poor and starving.

ZEDD: Ahh … much better. Oh yes. Cara's still evil.

[He magics Cara back to being good.]

CARA: Why didn't you just do that in the first place!

ZEDD: Shut up! Let's go to the Pillars of Creation.

RICHARD: Look! A little boy!

BOY: My family were all slaughtered. Can I hold the Stone of Tears?

RICHARD: Why certainly, innocent and totally unsuspicious child.

ZEDD: Richard, that's the Keeper.

RICHARD: Whoops!

[He snatches the stone back.]

KEEPER: Curses. Foiled again.

[They arrive at the Pillars of Creation.]

RICHARD: Should I start Streaking?

ZEDD: No, that's not necessary. Put the stone down.

[He puts the Stone of Tears down. The sun rises. There's a flash of light.]

RICHARD: That's it? We've won?

ZEDD: Ayep.

CARA: How anticlimactic.

KAHLAN: What about the problem of my confessor powers destroying Richard if I sleep with him?

ZEDD: Hmm? Oh. That. Oh, you can't confess Richard. He's already so much in love with you, confession cannot make him love you more.

KAHLAN: Seriously? That's it? Some 'Harry Potter' style true love conquers all bullshit?

ZEDD: Aha.

[They all look at the Book Fans.]

BOOK FANS: We would complain, but that is actually the same explanation as given in the book.

KAHLAN: Huh. So we actually can have confessor sex now. Richard, there's some bushes over –

RICHARD: I'm already naked.

KAHLAN: So you are.

[And so Series Two is ended. The Book Fans wonder wearily why they even bothered to hope things would improve, Cara and Zedd try very hard to imagine Richard and Kahlan are fighting in the bushes, and the Darken Rahl fangirls suddenly realise that he survived this series, and there is much celebration.]

[If you want to see more of this silliness in the future, Google 'Save Our Seeker' and sign the petition to keep Series Three. Face it, it can't get much more screwed up than it already is.]

THE END?

(I should bloody well hope not!)