Disclaimer: Not mine

His Calling

Chapter 33

Being a Wolf and All

After Remus took the first years to their rooms and made sure they had no further questions, he ran to find the others, knowing if it were the same as every other year, they would be on the Astronomy Tower catching up on the latest news.

"Good grief Moony, what did you do? Tuck them in?" Peter teased.

"Nah, had to give them all the names of the upperclassmen to stay away from. There were three in particular…"

James swatted the back of his head to shut him up. "One. One, Moony. The one that will rip out the throat of the first year with the stupidest question."

"That would have been you then, but I let you live," Remus joked back as he slid to the floor. "What are you guys up to?"

"Remember the map we started?" Sirius asked. "Well, I was talking to Moody about… about things. He showed me how to make a map of my house that would show me where everyone was. We can use it here. No one, and I mean no one, can catch us with this."

They watched as he demonstrated the spell and practiced until they could each duplicate it with ease. Drawing a quick map of the tower, they watched as Peter cast the spell and their names appeared on it. Remus grinned and tapped the map with his wand, making the writing disappear and then tapped it again to make it show their names.

"My Dad uses this when he leave notes for Mum they don't want me to see," he said grinning. "Only he puts a password on it so I can't open it."

"Do you still have the map you made?" James asked Remus.

"Yeah, but we have to update it with the new tunnels our rat friend here found down in the dungeons," Remus muttered. "And if we are going to do it right we should include the grounds."

"At least down to the Whomping Willow." Sirius frowned. "We don't want to get caught down there. The shite would really hit the fan if we did."

"How are we going to spell everyone's name?" Peter sat frowning. "I mean, it will work but what if someone else comes along? Someone whose name we forgot?"

"I'm working on it," Sirius snatched up the map and shoved it in his pocket. "I can get the tracks to show, like footprints, all I have to do is figure out how to get it to show all the names and not just the ones we know."

"I'll work on a better map," Remus chewed the inside of his cheek, deep in thought. "I have those pens I got for Christmas a couple of years ago."

"What did Madame Pomfrey say?" James leaned back and rested on his elbow. "They got a potion yet?"

"No," Remus shot him a sneer, "you know there isn't one I can use."

"Snape there again?" James asked innocently.

"Yeah, he wouldn't let Madam Pomfrey do more than look in his eyes and stuff. I could hear them arguing way down to where I was."

"I heard rumours about his Mum." James grinned.

"Yeah?" Peter said, looking up from a sack of sweets he had pulled out from his inner pockets. "You guys want some?"

"Holding out?" Remus snatched the bag from Peter's hand.

"A friend of my Mum's was up at St. Mungo's when a Mrs. Snape came in. Said she looked like shite. Fell down some stairs."

Remus felt his stomach plunge as he remembered how Snape had flatly refused to let Pomfrey examine his back, claiming he was getting too old, and things had gotten better at home. He looked at James and wanted him to shut up. "Hey, so you guys ever manage to change into anything yet or do you still just get furry?"

Sirius jumped up and started stripping off his clothes. "I got it. James still can't get his privates to change. Funniest thing I ever saw," Sirius guffawed. "Go ahead, Potter, show them."

"Shut up," James warned, having the good grace to blush.

"You mean everything but your tool changes?" Peter asked in awe. "Gee, that's rough. I got my tail to look right."

"Oh, please, James, don't show me," Remus grinned. "I didn't bring my glasses."

"Shut up," James complained, "at least mine isn't covered with fur.

Remus burst out laughing. "You need to read up on it, Potter. You don't even know what it looks like. No wonder you can't change it. Maybe you can find a picture book down in the restricted section. The restricted section at the bookshop I mean. I don't think the library has stuff on bestiality."

Sirius squatted down and closed his eyes, concentrating, and then suddenly morphed into a large black dog.

"Cor," Remus let out in awe, grabbing Peter's arm. "It don't even hurt?"

"No, sort of tingled the first couple of times, and when you come back you sort of have to… throw it off. You'll see him … shudder, sometimes when he changes back. I did it a few times, but it's getting better now. Hardly bothers me at all."

Sirius rolled over on his back and squirmed around on the floor, his tongue lolling to the side.

"His back itches," Peter grinned as he shoved both hands against the dog's body, rolling it to its stomach and began to scratch its back. "The books says that goes away too, but dogs do it all the time anyway so I'm never sure if it's a dog thing or if he is just screwing around."

"So… you scratch Black's back? Tell me Peter, do you rub his belly too?" James grinned. "Sounds sort of kinky."

"No, but dogs like to smell people's balls, maybe if you get up you can ask him to lick…"

"Say it and I buy rat traps," Potter said angrily.

"Come off it," Remus cautioned as he stood up. "First night of term, you know McGonagall is up to her bed checks again. I have to look in on the first years."

"Yeah, guess it's late."

Remus reached down and scratched Sirius's ears. "I wonder if anyone would notice he was missing. I like the dog better. Quieter this way, and I think he smells better too. We could sneak him back inside just as he is. Who would know?"

Sirius morphed back and grabbed his clothes, turning his back on them as he stepped into the trousers. "Watch it Lupin," he shot over his shoulder.

"How long before you don't have to take off your clothes?"

"I almost got it," Sirius sighed. "But when I change back they don't come with me, then I have nothing to wear."

"Listen, I have to get going. See ya in the room later." Remus took off at a run, knowing he had to get to the first years before McGonagall did her surprise visit.

Once it was quiet, he snuck down to the infirmary, feeling a little better knowing that as a Prefect the other students would not question him, and he only had to be on watch for the Professors.

"Mr. Lupin?" Madam Pomfrey greeted him when he stepped into the infirmary. "Is there a problem?"

"I don't know…I have a couple of questions. Changing into an Animagi doesn't hurt, yet … when I change I almost black out it's so bad. I was thinking…"

"No, it does not work the same." She indicated that he should follow her and led him to the office, and pointed to the chair opposite her desk. "I know it seems to be the same but it is not." Opening her desk drawer, she removed a book and handed it to him. "I found this…oh, about three years ago now. You were too young at the time, but you should be able to read it now. There has only been one werewolf that has ever able to take on an Animagi form, an unwise decision, as you will see. He met with a horrid end, chapter nine I believe."

"I was thinking…if I could change into a wolf just before the moon, perhaps…"

"Do you think, Mr. Lupin, that you are the first werewolf to think of this? No? Yes?" She clicked her tongue and shook her head at him. "Read that book and do not consider this again. You will not find anything about this in the Ministry's suggestions. I have always thought they do not mention this on purpose. Do you understand what I am saying?" She tapped the cover of the book. "They could not even identify what came back when the moon dropped. Suffice to say it did not live."

"I think so," he said, looking up from the book. "One less of us they would have to contend with."

"Yes, Mr. Lupin. Now, you said you had more than one question as we will consider your first not an option to be entertained."

"More like something to tell you. I … I feel like a tattletale, and I should keep out of it…but… well, Snape. Peter said his Mum was in St Mungo's, she said she fell down stairs…but… I …"

"You don't understand how a witch could… one, fall without enough magic to stop herself, and two…could not do enough home-healing to avoid a hospital."

"Yeah." He shrugged and locked his eyes on hers. "I don't like Snape, he always makes me feel like I am not as good as he is, and looks down on everyone not in Slytherin. But I think you should maybe … could you take another look?"

"Mr. Lupin, why does this bother you so much?" Madam Pomfrey leaned back in her chair studying his face.

He leaned forward in his chair, laying his forearms on his legs and studying the floor. "I guess I know how it feels. I sometimes hurt for a couple of days after the change. I hurt so bad sometimes I want to cry, but I can't do that, now can I? Only I know if it gets too bad I can come down here and get something or I could send an owl to my Mum and Dad." He looked up at her sadly. "Where does he go?"

"Have you ever spoken to him?"

"Nah." He sat back up and leaned back in his chair. "He and James are like oil and water and Snape has no sense of humour. We sometimes … well, maybe not…we…but I sometimes try to talk to him when Lily…that's Miss Evans, anyway when she is around, but he just … I don't know. He takes everything I say wrong."

"Is there anything else, Mr. Lupin?"

He nodded and began to unbutton his shirt, wincing as he pulled it down over his shoulders. "I know you said it may take a couple of days, but it hurts something fierce. Could you maybe, you know, try again so I can sleep?"

Madam Pomfrey pressed her lips together and nodded crisply as she took her wand and went to stand behind Remus. "Extend your arm and place your hand on my desk."

He did as she asked. Squeezing his eyes shut and taking several breathes before gulping down the last one and holding it in as she lit her wand and again dragged a shaft of white light over the wound. Unable to take the pain any longer than he had the first time, earlier in the evening when she had tried, he pulled away with a yelp.

"Sorry," he muttered, and dragged his hand under his nose.

"It is I that should be sorry young man," she sighed, and threw her wand down on her desk. "I am afraid that one is going to scar. Wounds caused by … magical creatures do not always heal… I am afraid you will have to get used to it."

"Dad said they are cracking down on the unregistered." He tucked his chin down to concentrate on buttoning his shirt, wanting to avoid looking at her for fear she would know this was his real reason for seeking her help.

"So I have heard."

"He said that the salve you have me put on before the change is being regulated and that now only gamekeepers could get hold of it. He says they figured out it was being used on people like me."

"Yes. However, there are other…"

"Right," he snorted, "and now you are going to tell me that the Headmaster is going to talk to me about it."

"Remus! We have a gamekeeper, and Hagrid has a supply that we have access to, so you stop this self-pitying right now! Do you hear me?"

He stood up and glared down at her. "It's not self pity. It's knowing that my medicine is from the leftovers of some animal in a cage. You know animal salve isn't approved like the salve you use, it's not the same as for … humans. Only I'm not considered a human any longer, am I? Why not just tell me the truth."

"Remus, come back here," she called after him as he walked calmly to the door. "We do what we must."

"Right," he called over his shoulder, "and from now on so do I."

.

.

.

Sirius climbed up the astronomy tower, pulling open the top door and stepping out onto the platform, calling Remus as loudly as he dared. Hearing no response, he turned to go back down the door when the sound of rustling fabric alerted him that someone was on the platform with him.

"Remus, come on, if I'm going to get my arse in a wringer looking for you at least you could talk to me."

"Over here," Remus sighed. "Happy? Now you can go back and tell them you found me."

"They're sleeping. Told McGonagall you had business down with Pomfrey, but that was hours ago. What's up?"

Remus stepped out from the shadows, and joined Sirius who had lowered to the floor, resting his back along the low stone rampart. "It's getting worse," he admitted as he slid down to sit next to his friend.

"Would think it gets better, you know, practice and all."

Remus shrugged. "Says that in the books, but not one of the authors is like me. They just keep repeating the same things people always thought and half the books I have are full of shite that's just not true. Guess it sells books."

"Oh, I forgot." Sirius pulled a sandwich, wrapped in a piece of writing parchment from his pocket. "Nicked it from the kitchen. You missed dinner."

"Thanks." Remus laid it down on his lap. "I'll eat it later, but … yeah, thanks."

"So, how long you plan on sitting up here?" Sirius grinned.

"I think I should leave."

"Yeah, we should. It's three in the bloody morning."

"No, I mean I should leave here, Hogwarts. I've been thinking about it."

"Shut up, Lupin," Sirius said incredulously.

"I had a brother. His name was Marcus, but … his middle name, the one he went by at the end, was Romulus. He … he was like me, and he left home when he was my age. If he could do it, I can."

"I didn't know you had a brother. There's a plaque down in the trophy room with that name on it, but I thought it was a cousin of something."

"No, it's my brother." Remus laid his head back on the wall and tipped his head up to look at the stars. "Three quarter moon tonight. Sirius, I can't keep this up."

Sirius looked up to the sky with him drawing up his knees and wrapping his arms around them.

"He went into a store. That's all he did, just went to a store, and some louts beat him to death. How could you do that? Hit someone so hard with your fists that you killed him?"

"Listen man, you can't just chuck it. You just got here. Shit man, it's the first day back. Give it some time."

Remus unbuttoned his shirt and pulled his arm out of the sleeve, turning around to show Sirius the wound, then pulled it back on just as quickly.

"Merlin's balls! What the fuck happened?"

"You know what happened. It's getting worse. I don't even remember it …but there are always cuts, or things like this to remind me when I wake up. I can't do it anymore." His voice cracked as he swiped his eyes, ashamed to cry in front of Black.

"What about old lady Pomfrey?"

"She can't do anything anymore. Oh, sure, she can heal what she can, and give me shite from some vet, and that stuff to make me groggy so I don't try running off, but she can't make it better. Sirius, if this is the best it will ever be…I don't want to do it anymore."

"You got to stick it out. You take your O.W.L.s this year. Even if you don't finish, you've got to get your O.W.L.s. You can't get any kind of job without them, unless you plan on staying up at that farm."

Remus stood up and clenched his fists. "Look at me Black! Take a good fucking look at me! This is it! This is all I can ever be! What good is a fucking outstanding going to do me? Where the fuck am I ever going to get a job?"

"Hey, man, calm down," Sirius cautioned as he stood up.

"I want to kill him. I want to shove my Dad's old rifle up that bastard's arse and kill him! And then I want to take his head and shove it in the Ministry's face. They let this happen… they left Greyback alone. I want to know why! I want to know why they let that son-of–a–bitch live!"

"Remus, hey, listen… there's things happening, you know what's going on," Sirius frowned at him. "Greyback is part of it. What do you think? You think just because your Dad and Moody work down there that everyone can be trusted? What the fuck do you think happened to Tiffany? You think someone acted alone and thought she was such a sweet piece of meat…?"

"Shut up!" Remus snarled. "Shut up about her! I got her killed. Me. I did that!"

"Ah man." Sirius ran his hand through his head and with a loud sigh. "I didn't mean it like that. You know I didn't. I liked her too, you know that."

"Don't pretend you aren't thinking of leaving too. I know you are."

"Not on my own," Sirius said quietly. "It's different for me. I have to stay, stay and fight. It's the Black name and all and… I have a brother. If it was Marcus, if he was younger, you would stay for him, right?"

Remus was surprised to see the fight go out of Sirius, as he slid down to the floor again, sitting with his back to the wall, and pulling out a joint, lighting it with his wand and inhaling deeply. He held it up to Remus with two fingers pinching off the end, his eyes questioning.

Remus lowered himself to join him, taking the joint and sucking in the smoke, holding it in his lungs as long as he could, until his head began to swim, and the tension melted from his body.

"It's my last one," Sirius grinned.

"Are we going to die in all this?" Remus asked, tipping his head up to the sky, finding Orion and lifting his thumb to block out the Dog Star. "I always figured I would. You know…the wolf and all. What about you?"

"Maybe, but I plan to have some fun on the way. You know, being a Black and all."