Disclaimer: Not mine.

His Calling

Chapter 36

Apologies

Remus stayed as far away from the others as he could the next two weeks, only seeing them in the common room or their dorm. He kept thinking about Lily's words, and how he had been unwilling to stop what had gone on, knowing he should have done more to stop it than the half-hearted attempt he had convinced himself, at the time, was enough. Snape glared at him whenever they passed in the hallways, always making it a point to give him his best sneer as they filed in the classroom for lessons. Remus would keep his eyes lowered, and shove his hands in his pockets, afraid his eyes would give him away.

Avoiding the library, where Snape often studied, Remus sat in the Gryffindor common area, knowing the times it was empty and being able to leave before the younger students noisily filled the room. As it came closer to the full moon, he began to worry about how he would lose his mind without the help of the others. Although he knew he should distance himself from what was becoming a bad situation he still wanted to be part of the group, part of the friendship that had gotten him this far. He leaned back his head on the sofa and closed his eyes, not meaning to fall asleep, but only to rest.

He felt something tickle his nose and still half-awake raised his hand to brush it away only to hear Peter's giggle.

"Merlin, Peter, you sound like a girl," he yawned as he sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"It's only eight and you are sleeping," Peter pointed out. "The guys are up in the tower. They want to plan what we are doing tomorrow night but I can tell them you are sick or something."

"No," Remus said with a sigh. "I always get this way just before the Hunter's Moon. I think the winter is worse because the nights are so much longer."

"You want me to tell them you can't make it?" Peter asked him, obviously concerned. "You don't look so good man. Maybe you better go down and see Pomfrey?"

"No, she'll just make me go to bed. She won't give me anything this close to the full moon. She says it interferes with the sedatives she gives me. I'll be okay."

"James'll be there tomorrow," Peter said, grinning. "He got the whole thing with the clothes right so you will be the only one who has to freeze his nuts off."

"Gee, you put it so nicely," Remus winced as he stood. "Fuck, I can't even take a nap without it hurting anymore. Sorry, come on, let's go find them."

They found James and Sirius sitting with the map spread out in front of them, grinning and pointing to the footsteps that magically appeared. Remus lowered himself down to the cold stone floor, grimacing as his back protested.

"You look like shite," Sirius said appraisingly.

"Gee, thanks, remind me to return the compliment," Remus said with a grimace. "How can you even read this thing? All the names are jumbled together."

"It's just because it's so crowded right now. Once it's time for lights out and the firsties turn in it won't be so bad. And look," he pointed to the area that showed the grounds, "outside they are easy to see. Right now only Hagrid and Wilkes."

"What do you think Wilkes is doing down at the Forbidden Forest?" Peter asked.

"I don't know, but he apparates from there instead of the gates," Sirius said. "I don't trust him anymore than I do Mulciber. His family is tied in with Yaxley, I think his mother's mother was a Yaxley."

"Yeah, but they are married into the Longbottom family too," Peter added, "and they are against Riddle, at least that's what Gran says."

"Who?"

"The Longbottoms," Peter said, looking up innocently. "Weren't they the ones at the naming for that funny kid?"

"Yeah, at least Frank and his parents were there," Sirius offered.

"I wouldn't trust the rest of them," James said. "You stay away from them. Your Dad will be all over you to get in thick with them just to ask questions."

"He does already," Peter said sheepishly. "He keeps asking about you, but I don't tell him anything. I keep saying that we are roommates but we don't get on."

Sirius lowered his head back down to the map, but not before Remus saw the vein in his temple beating stronger, a sign that he was about to lose his temper. Wanting to avoid any scene, he quickly dropped to the floor and began to plot with the others. He wrinkled his brow and frowned at James' insistence they could skirt Hogsmeade and make their way to the river.

"Why not just the lake," Remus offered, trying to lead them away from a populated area.

"Nah," James smirked. "Black wants to run into the Hogs Head and see if he can't …"

"Oh no," Remus said adamantly. "Old man Aberforth sees you down there on a full moon and he will give you hell, that and floo the Headmaster. We don't need that."

Peter nodded in agreement. "If I get caught with you I'm screwed. My dad will yank my arse out of here so fast I won't last till morning."

"Okay, but we are still heading down to Hogsmeade," Sirius grinned. "How about I go in the Broomsticks?"

"You do and you may be the first dog eaten by a werewolf," Remus scowled. "Why do you want to leave the grounds anyway?"

"Marlene is going to be at the Broomsticks tonight," James said, earning a punch on the arm from Sirius.

"It's not like that," Sirius said, keeping his eyes on the map. "I like her. She isn't all giddy and silly like the rest."

Remus heard something in Sirius' voice he had never heard before, and thought of Tiffany. "While you are in the Broomsticks you can get me a burger. I think even the wolf could scarf down one of Rosie's burgers."

"Done," Sirius said, studying Remus' face, an unsaid understanding passing between them. "I'll change at the Broomsticks, out behind the kitchen, and meet you down by the river. I can get a salad for James and a …"

"Bullshite! I want a burger too."

"You can't," Remus said quickly. "You can't change back even for a minute, not while I am with you."

"I eat fast. I can…"

"No damn it! I told you, no." Remus hissed. "You haven't been there yet. Ask Peter, or Sirius, it can change too fast. I could get at you before you knew what was happening."

"He's right," Sirius said softly. "I can keep him back for a while, but… he's too strong. I couldn't keep him back long."

"For real?" James questioned. "You get that strong?"

"What the fuck James? You think this is a joke?" Remus spat. "Do you think they lock me up for nothing?"

"No, I guess I just…you know… a wolf and a dog the size of Sirius…."

"A werewolf , James. A werewolf. When I am like that … when I change… I can't control it… it's like… umm…"

"Like he is on an adrenalin rush," Peter offered.

"Exactly," Remus sighed. "When Padfoot and Wormtail are with the wolf he focuses on them and for some reason I can be there, sort of watching. I can't control the wolf though, I can make suggestions, like chasing the rabbits, or to follow the dog, but I can't control it when… it's hard to explain. If the wolf smells a human I can't make him do what I want, I can't even make him hear me. Then, I lose myself, and don't even know what happens."

"Okay," James agreed. "Peter can lead you out to me, and then we can head down to the river and wait for …Padfoot."

"I haven't seen your shape yet," Remus said. "Is it some sort of secret?"

Peter started laughing, unable to stop when Sirius leaned over on his hip and rubbed his bum.

"Shut up," James grinned. "I told you to stay out of my way."

"Prongs, here…"

"Shut up, Padfoot!" James frowned.

"As I was saying… Prongs, here is a stag," Sirius said with a laugh. "He thought it would be fun carrying around a rack, you know…sort of show off how good he looks. But, he can't always keep his head up and if he gets behind you…"

"Just that once." James pouted.

"You stabbed him in the arse?" Remus tried to stop his smile from turning up his lip.

"I … no, just sort of a nudge. He wouldn't get out of my way," James said in defence of himself.

"Well, just remember, no goofing off when the wolf is with you," Remus muttered as he climbed back to his feet. "If Dumbledore finds out what we are up to we won't have to worry about Riddle. The Headmaster will feed us to him."

.

.

.

The morning after the full moon, Remus was glad not to see fresh bites on his arms, and the only evidence of the foray into the woods were a few scratches on his legs from the underbrush. He laughed at James who complained about the small wounds and tried to remember his healing spells, not wanting to use the salve Remus gave him because of the acrid smell. Sirius smugly informed him it was his poor choice in the animal he had chosen. He told him that not only would his choice not help him sneak back into Hogwarts or blend into the Muggle streets , but that also he'd be more subject to injury since a stag did not have the same thick covering or fur.

They made their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast where James sat pushing his food around his plate, holding his head up and yawning widely.

"I need to go back to bed," he complained.

"Binns won't notice," Remus said knowingly. "If you want to, I'll wake you after History lesson."

"I am with him," Peter sighed. "They should only have full moons on the weekends so we can sleep longer."

"Wait until summer when you don't get to sleep at all," Remus whispered. "At least at this time of year I get a couple of hours."

"I'm too tired to eat." James threw down his fork and stood up. "Come on Wormtail, we only have an hour."

Remus watched the two walk off and saw Sirius' smirk. "They shouldn't stay with me all night. Especially Peter. "

"What do you want us to do? Leave you out someplace alone?"

"Promise you will never do that," Remus hissed with such intensity that Sirius was surprised. "Promise you will always bring me back or lock me up somewhere."

"Sure Moony."

"I mean it. I would rather be dead than …hurt someone. I worry about it all…"

"I said sure," Sirius said softly. "Do you remember all of last night?"

"Most of it," Remus leaned back frowning. "I remember we headed into town, but … then we were running back here."

"They decided to meet me behind the Broomsticks. You saw Marlene."

Remus blanched and stood quickly. "What… I mean…"

"She's fine. She got all excited, but James managed to hold you off until I could get her back inside. It was right scary."

"Fuck!" Remus ran his hand through his hair, exasperated with not only Sirius but the others as well. "That's enough. You guys stay away from now on."

"Sure," Sirius stood, laughing. "Do you think I spent all this time learning how to turn into a smelly dog just to turn tail now?"

Remus couldn't help but smirk at the 'turn tail' statement. "Yeah, well if Peter gets caught ditching History and his dad finds out… I don't think that's such a good idea."

"We need him. He can sneak in and stop the Whomping Willow."

"I know, but after that he comes back and gets to bed. He can't keep up with us anyway."

"Okay. Listen," Sirius let his eyes wander down the table to where Lily sat, "have you talked to Evans?"

"Not yet, I don't want to in front of everyone."

"She's alone now." Sirius started for the doors. "See you in class."

Remus sat down and waited for Lily to start to the door and then fell into step beside her, as if he happened to be walking to class at the same time. They chatted easily until they were far enough away from the Great Hall that Remus knew they could not be overheard. He grabbed her elbow and pulled her to the side of the hallway, where he stammered out his apology for the previous week, and admitted his failure to step in and stop what he knew was turning into a bad situation.

"I told him I never wanted to talk to him again," she said flatly.

"I know," Remus grinned, "the whole school heard you."

"I don't, really."

"Are you convincing me or yourself?" Remus laughed. "It's okay. Lily, I want you to understand something else. About … the guys."

"They are pigs."

"Yeah, but nice pigs." He chuckled and stepped back so they could begin walking again. "Black is at odds with his family. You know, about this whole Riddle thing, and Peter…Peter may have to leave school if it gets worse."

"Black? Everyone thinks he is…well you know…his family supports Riddle. Even Severus said that."

"Sirius doesn't," Remus said with a scowl. "And the Potters don't either, Lily. James may be …listen, he doesn't like Snape, that's not a secret. But, you have to understand that it's who Snape runs around with. It's more than the whole Slytherin thing. It's what is happening around here and the fact that he thinks Snape is siding with the Malfoys."

"It's not just Slytherin," Lily said quietly. "Becky, she is in her seventh year, and she says her family wants her to marry into the Goyle family because of their political views."

"At least being a … Muggle born…you don't have to worry about family loyalty. It has to make it easier."

"What makes it easier is seeing the list of names of all of those that have lost their lives so far. There are more Muggles and Muggle born than any other group."

"That's because in this world it is too easy to hide things," Remus said flatly, as he pulled open the door and waited for her to step into the classroom ahead of him.

"Oh," she whispered and turned back to him. "I am going with some of the girls into town to see an old movie. It's at the same cinema that I know you and Black go to. Want to join us?"

"If I can bring the guys."

Lily bit her lip thoughtfully, and then finally nodded. "Just tell Potter to shut up."

"What is showing?" Remus laughed.

"They are showing two this Saturday. A Werewolf in London and The Wolf Man."