Disclaimer: Not mine.

His Calling

Chapter 57

Loss

Remus spent hours refreshing what little Russian he knew to the delight of Lucy who openly laughed at his accent and demanded that they speak it at home until he could carry on a conversation. It seemed the harder he tried the more mistakes he made, now confusing his German with his Russian.

"You need to get out more," Lucy had laughed at him. "Try doing the marketing again. If you can make it through that you've got it."

"Right, the last time I brought home god only knows what and you threw it in the bin."

"Carp. You let them sell you a rancid piece of fish. You have to watch them here. Especially when they know you are a foreigner." She leaned down and kissed his cheek. "Anything you buy in the open market you smell. Once they see you know what you are doing and are at least trying to use their language they will be wonderful to you. Truly, they are friendly if you don't act like such a…git."

"Potter's wedding is next week," he watched as she shoved her papers into her briefcase, getting ready for work.

"I'd have to come home that night or first thing in the morning. I can't get the day off." She turned to him biting her lip. "I can come home alone if you want to stay. I don't need magic to use a port key."

"No, if I know Potter he will be gone right after the wedding himself," he grinned. "I don't know why Lily is even wasting her time on a party."

"He will do no such thing. It's her wedding! It's not as if they haven't been sleeping together. I'm sure he can wait a couple of hours. She's planned a whole year on this."

"Two. Here," he said, picking up her case and walking her to the door. "I wish we had taken the place in town."

"Why? I know how to drive and this is better."

Remus looked at the tiny blue automobile and frowned. "I could take you."

"Right and I can explain how I get to work every day. No thank you." She took his arm as he walked her to the driveway. "They watch everything I do. It will take a while before they trust me. It's strange here, at work I mean. Once those doors close I feel like I am under a micro…a… umm… a spy glass."

"It takes you an hour to get there," Remus pointed out. "Two hours a day spent…spent…driving… for a job it sounds like you regret you took."

"It pays the bills," she said lightly, feeling him stiffen. "Something else will turn up. Just don't unpack everything."

"Lucy," he said, turning her to face him. "If you don't like it here quit. We can go back to Germany."

"I want to finish at least six months. It will look good on a resume and I can't very well go scampering off without something waiting for me."

"I should go back to England." He tossed her briefcase in the back seat and slammed the door. "If you didn't have me to…"

"Stop it," she hissed. "We've been over this so many times I am sick to death of it."

Remus ran his hands through his hair trying to grin at her. "So it's me and the books today. Now if you had taken a job in France I would be all set."

"I didn't mean to snap," she sighed. "Will you still be here when I get back?"

"I have to leave at five."

"Will you be back tonight?"

"I'll see how it goes. I won't have another repeat of…"

"Do you do this once a month just so I am glad to see you leave?" She pulled the door open and slid under the steering wheel. "I swear you say things like that just to piss me off."

"No," he grinned and leaned down into the window kissing her goodbye. "However I will admit that I like the way your neck turns red when you are angry."

"Git," she smiled, as she rolled up the window and started down the drive.

Remus had to admit the house they had found suited him. From the hardwood floors to the pot-bellied stove in the kitchen it reminded him more of the house he grew up in then the carpeted floors and white walls of Germany. Here things were simpler, even the Muggle electricity was limited, not working half the time and not wired through the entire structure. He still found candle light preferable over the harsh glare of light bulbs and liked having a cold box in the kitchen.

Spreading his books out on the kitchen table, he made a pot of tea and sat down to once again practice his Russian. Although he could read it, and often sat with one of the books Lucy dragged home, he had only to open his mouth to forget all he knew and stumble like a first year in potions. He was on his second cup of tea when he heard the familiar tapping of an owl at the window. Opening the sash, he let it in and gave it some of his toast before he untied the missive.

"Who ever sent you on this trip should give you a month long holiday," he told the bird, grinning as he unsealed the parchment. "Well old girl, you stick around and I'll take you back with me."

He reached over the birds head and closed the window as the owl flew up t the top of the fridge and promptly tucked its head under a wing to sleep. Remus reread the letter wondering how Lucy would take it, tossing it to the side to wait for her.

She pulled up in front of the house at four, anxious to see him before he left and found him already outside waiting for her. "I'm glad I caught you."

"You have a letter from the Ministry," Remus said, leading her into the kitchen. "I didn't even think to check the name on it before I opened it."

"The Ministry?" She read the letter quickly, looking up at him in confusion. "Probate what?"

"Your mother's estate. I think Albus pushed it through," Remus said with a shrug before he noticed her eyes fill with tears and pulled her close. "Lucy, don't. What good is it to wait until the houses and properties fall apart? You know it's better this way. I think your mother would want it done now."

"She would be happier to see it go to Voldemort and you know it," she spat. "It's next month. It says I have to appear in person."

"I'll go with you. It's time for my annual check up...rather past due. They can't keep me out if we make it the same day."

"Remus, is that an owl?"

"Yeah." He laughed and looked up at the bird with her. "I am surprised it made it. What's the date on that letter?"

Lucy dropped her eyes to the parchment again and blanched. "It's tomorrow. It took three weeks for the damn bird to get here. You people really have to learn how to use a telephone."

"We don't have one," Remus shouted as he hurried to their bedroom and pulled a suitcase down from the top shelf of the cupboard.

"I don't want to go," she said from the doorway, nervously biting her lip. "What happens if I don't?"

"Everything goes to the Ministry."He paused and turned back to her. "If that's what you want it's up to you."

"I'd like Diablo back. I miss him."

"Who?"

"My horse. I wonder…is he still there?"

Remus thought back to the night he spent outside the barn at her uncle's place and shook his head. "He must have been sold off. The farm should go to you as well as your grandmother's old house. You said once it belonged to your uncle and as his only living heir it's yours now."

"I don't know what to do," she said meekly, sitting on the edge of the bed. "What would you do?"

"It's different for me. I live there, it's my home."

"I thought you lived with me," she said sadly. "You never did consider being with me home."

"I do," he said joining her on the bed. "I…I belong there."

"Would it make it easier for you? Give you someplace to stay on your monthly trips?"

Remus thought of the condition he was in when he showed up at Potter's house the morning after the kill and nodded his head. "But that's not a good enough reason if you don't want to live there."

"No, but I hate it here," she said honestly. "That Mr. What's his name that gets angry at me every time I say his name wrong made a pass at me today…or rather a grope. That's why I left early."

"Who?" He turned her head to her, his face growing dark. "I'll talk to him. I can make sure he won't do that …"

"Right, and when he calls the police you can pull out your passport and visa?"

"This isn't working."

"Whatever gave you that idea?" She asked with a grin. "We fucked up didn't we?"

"If moving a few thousand miles from home, to a job you hate, staying in a house that is hard to live in without magic and getting hit on by old fat men is fucking up, then yes, I think we did."

"Get the other suitcase down," she jumped up and started yanking clothes out of the drawers.

"What about that…that …thing you drive?"

"Let someone nick it. I haven't paid it off yet."

"Lucy?"

"Shrink everything down. What doesn't fit we leave."

"We can come back you know," he said laughing at her. "We don't have to take it all at once."

"I've never done anything like this," she giggled. "Me. Remember me? I'm the one that plans to make a plan."

"What about the books?"

"Leave them. Most of them belong to the library. Take what you want. I don't care if I ever see them again. Just…just start shrinking and packing…we take what fits."

"We can't take the furniture." Remus ran his hands though his hair, looking at her lifetime of accumulated belongings. "Lucy, maybe we should slow down."

"No, we need to leave." She stopped suddenly and spun toward him. "Your potion! You have to take your potion and we have to hurry."

"I did," he said quietly. "I'll finish up here. You had better grab the owl. I don't think she can make it back on her own."

"Good, then they won't suspect anything if I just let her go free," she yelled over her shoulder s she ran to the kitchen. "Fuck them and their special owls let them learn how to use the post."

Remus laughed and stuffed what he could in the two suitcases making it to the kitchen in time to see the owl fly off and Lucy close the window behind it. "Feel good?"

"Feels wonderful." She grabbed his robes and her jumper from beside the back door and hugged his arm. "Ready?"

"Ready," he grinned. "We have to go someplace we can be seen together. How about the Broomsticks for the night?"

She nodded as he reset the port key and waited for the familiar sensation of Wizarding travel. They set down outside of the back door and hurried into the kitchen where they found Rosmerta sorting out the kitchen.

"And here is my other best girl," Remus smiled widely, dragging in Lucy behind him.

"Remus!" Rosmerta turned from the sink at first smiling then her face turning to a scowl. "Do you know what time it is? Off with you now. Leave her with me but get the bloody hell out of here or get your arse down in the cellar."

"Owl the guys, let them know we are here to stay and feed her," he said in a rush glancing out the window at the horizon. "Fuck. I thought I had more time."

"Go," Lucy said. "Be careful."

"Always," he leaned down and kissed Lucy's cheek as Rosmerta swatted his arm trying to hurry him along.

"I'm going, I'm going," he laughed, resetting the portkey as he did and disappearing as the women watched from the window over the sink.

"Going to get caught one of these days," Rosmerta muttered, wiping her hands on her apron. "So what is all this?"

Lucy finished setting down the suitcases and emptying her pockets. "We moved back. At least until I find a new place."

"Do you think that wise?"

"He missed his registration last year," Lucy looked up from where she knelt on the floor. "He has to go in tomorrow and I have an appointment."

"Bloody idiot, he missed the one before that as well."

"He said Moody fixed that one."

"Right, him and a memory spell," Rosmerta snorted. "Won't work this time."

Lucy got off the floor after pushing their belonging under the table and sat in a chair. Listening to Rosmerta tell her about the slow take over of the Ministry by the dark forces, as she called them. She put on a pot of tea as the older witch went to the floo to spread the word that Remus had returned and soon the small kitchen was full to Lucy's discomfort and Sirius' obvious delight.

"So he got you to move back," Black grinned widely. "Bout time that. Bloody hard on him coming and going at all hours."

"Twice last week, even with a port key I'd be knackered," James added.

"Last week?" Lucy asked. "I must have…when last week?"

Sirius looked at James, who pretended to find something interesting on the table top, kicking Peter who began to give the times and dates.

"I see," Lucy said tersely. "This was Order business I assume."

"He probably didn't want to worry you," Lily said softly, reaching out and covering her hand. "You know how he is."

"No, I guess I don't," Lucy quipped. "Rosmerta? Which room are we in?"

"Second floor, third door," she turned from the oven, where she was just pulling out dinner. "Got Remus up on three. I'll tuck your luggage away soon as I feed this group."

Lucy felt her face flame red at the reminder that she and Remus were not to share a room while in this world. Pushing the swinging door to the dinning room open, she was almost to the stairs to go up to her room, when she decided to grab her suitcase and ask Rosmerta to enlarge it so she could change. She paused before going back into the kitchen hearing Lily's voice.

"If you ask me it's high time she learned. She has no idea what he is into."

"Leave it alone," Sirius warned. "If he wants her here it's his business."

"Well I for one don't trust her," Lily whispered. "Look where she comes from. Just because she's a squib doesn't mean she isn't spying on him. I hear his own mother thought that. Anyway, he acts as if he is tending a kid when he is with her."

"He obviously doesn't tell her much," Peter pointed out with a snigger. "Fuck, he didn't even tell her he was coming and going all the time. Maybe she's better in bed than she looks."

"Shut up, Wormtail," James snapped.

Lucy stepped back from the door and fled up stairs, throwing herself across the bed and hugging the pillow. She replayed the conversation in her head and tried to convince herself that she had only heard part of it, that they were protecting their friend, that if Remus didn't love her he wouldn't be with her. Try as she might she could not get Peter's crude remark or Lily's condescending tone out of her mind. Finally, she fell into a fitful sleep, waking to look out the window and judge the time by the low hanging moon. Whispering his name, she closed her eyes and tried to feel his presence, just to know he was close and not in danger.

A quiet timid knock came to her door and she heard Rosmerta's voice in a whisper. "Are you up?"

"Yes," she pulled open the door in a rush, "what's wrong? You know something? He's hurt?"

"No, no child. He should be back in an hour. You are welcome to help in the kitchen. He used to enjoy a hot meal when he came back."

"Are the others gone?" Lucy asked, trying to sound normal.

"Don't you pay them any attention. They worry is all there is to it. They always seem younger then he does. His brother was the same way," Rosmerta said starting down the stairs. "Come along now. Be light out soon."

"What time does the Ministry open?" Lucy asked as she kneaded the dough for the sweet rolls.

"Early. Seven for most things. Eight for the rest."

"I can use the floo from here, right?"

"Remus will need to sleep a bit." Rosmerta stopped chopping pecans and looked at Lucy strangely.

"I should go alone. I don't want him caught up in any problems and you know…no, maybe you don't. They are going to probate my mum's estate. Since it is well known who she is, I don't want Remus connected with it. Vold…He Who Must Not Be Named is known for recruiting werewolves and Remus doesn't need that kind of attention."

"You want me to get Moody or…"

"No, I can do this my self," Lucy said, not looking up. "How hard can it be?"

"He's here," Rosmerta wiped her hands on he apron and went to open the back door. "How bad this time boy?"

"I'm fine," Remus sighed. "Easy night."

"The potion worked better?" Lucy asked, her eyes travelling from his face to his hands as the pulled up his shirt and looked for fresh cuts.

"Fine, I just want to clean up and eat. Smells good. I haven't had one of your breakfasts for a long time Ro."

"Third floor, I put your stuff in there to since she can't enlarge it anyway."

"Let me grab something," Lucy wiped her hands off and went up to the room with Remus.

"The blue suit will do," she pointed to the one she wanted and waited for Remus to return it to size. "I need to talk to you."

"Can it wait until I…"

"No, I have to do this now."

He flopped on the edge of the bed and scrubbed his face with his hands. "Fine, make it quick."

Lucy fell to her knees between his legs and looked up at him. "You know I love you?"

"I should hope I do by now," he grinned.

She took his hand and turned it over, pressing the earrings he had given her into his palm and curling his fingers around them. "Before you say anything listen to me."

"Lucy? What's … what's going on?"

"I've tried. I have. I've tried to be what you want…what you need. I can't do it. You are looking for something you won't find with me."

"Lucy, don't do this," he choked, cupping her face with his free hand.

"These were your grandmothers, who gave them to her daughter. She gave them to you, so your children would eventually have them. Don't you see? When you find what you're looking for you will want to have a family and children. You will be a good father, Remus…"

"Stop this," he snarled, grabbing her arms and shaking her. "What the fuck happened since last night?"

"Nothing," she winced, trying not to fight against his strength. "I woke up. I see you with your friends and you are happy. When was the last time we were truly happy? It doesn't mean that we stop fighting for a week or two, it doesn't…Remus, please. You are hurting me."

He shoved her away and raked his hands through his hair. "What did I do? Or didn't I do? Bloody hell, you need to explain this to me because I think you need to go to St. Mungo's."

"You don't trust me. After all we have been through you don't love me enough to trust me. " She felt her resolve slipping as tears filled her eyes and her voice shook. "Perhaps if I had magic or if I was prettier…perhaps…"

"Stop it!" He grabbed her arms and stood, pulling her with him, his eyes flickering to the yellow of the wolf that was just beneath his skin. "Is it what I am? Did I hurt you that night I…"

"No," she gasped, shaking her head as her sobs raked her body. "Let me go. Just…let me go. I can't be like them, the people you want to be with. Remember me? I'm the one that hid in the cellar and listened while my family was butchered. I had to hide from my own mother. I had to run away and hide. I waited for you because you promised me we would be together. I waited and went to school and not once, not once did I regret it. Remus, you treat me like a cause, someone to protect to take care of…not like a...a what? A wife? A mistress? I want more."

"You are all I have!"

"That's not enough." She turned to the door, pausing before opening it. "Perhaps that's our problem. You don't see what you have. You think yourself poor and have people that would lay down their lives for you while I thought I had it all, and in the end have no one."

"You have me!" He yanked her back by the elbow, pushing her into the wall and putting a hand on each side of her head. "Is there someone else?"

"Gods, no," she sobbed.

"Stay. I love you."

"I know you do, but not enough." She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his neck. "That's why I cant let you waste your life on me and I can't wait anymore."

"Lucy, you…you are the only one I've ever loved, ever made love with, ever wanted to make love with. We can work this out. Anything you want. Just tell me what the fuck you want!"

"Let me go, Remus. Please. If you love me, if you care at all…let me have a life too. I want a home. A husband that doesn't have to hide things from me. I want your baby. Will you give me that?"

"No," he pushed her away angrily. "We've been through this."

"I have to get dressed." She pushed by him, grabbed her suit and fled the room.