Disclaimer: I am a brunette with glasses and my name is Kila. As is obvious, then, I am not, and cannot be, a woman named JK Rowling, who has blonde hair. Furthermore, my total worth is approximately $50. That means, no real income. So... I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER!

AN: This is a list of idiotic Ministry stuff. It plays on the idea that some wizards are just plain dumb.

AN2: No, I do not consider it poaching if you ask me nicely to use these before using them.

AN3: Thank you.

AN4: These are NOT in any particular order.

A List of Idiocy As Edited Out of a Ministry Handbook, By Hermione Granger

With Notes by Harry Potter

This list is an organized list of idiotic rules of protocol found in the Handbook for Ministry Personnel. It is also the reason why Harry (that's me!) took one look at the idea of being an Auror and ran away screaming. (I did not scream!)

1. Every Friday the Thirteenth is a day off for all Ministry Personnel, as a remembrance for the bad luck caused by attempting to accomplish things on unlucky Fridays.

2. All Aurors should wear bright pink underwear, so that even their laundry-workers know that they can be depended on. (Does any self-respecting Auror actually do this? What is the Ministry going to do, inspect our underwear? Harry, see number 23.)

3. Any worker at the Ministry of Magic who understands the Pythagorean Theorem, or even knows what it is, should be instantly fired.

4. If the idea that a pathological liar should teach self-defense seems sensible, you should get a promotion.

5. If you believe that the Minister is not second-to-Merlin – he is Merlin – then you should get two promotions. (Ha! I knew it.)

6. The word "truth" is not to be uttered within range of the Minister's office.

7. Annual Pool Day is mandatory; it is an important holiday that was instated by the Minister of Magic in 1232, Richard Potter. Bathing suits are not required, but necessary unless you wish to soak your work-robes with the chlorine-filled water that will be filling every room in the Ministry to the brim. Gillyweed will be a day's worth for ten Galleons, a bargain!

8. There must always be exactly thirty-three people working in the Department on Regulation of the Use of Cricket Legs. (There's a department solely for the regulation of use of cricket legs? Sweet Merlin!)

9. Food in the cafeteria must never be tested for potions.

10. Any Obliviations sanctioned by the Minister are not to be undone, even by St. Mungo's Healers.

11. If the Minister did it, you must never undo it unless you are the Minister.

12. Horace Wimbleton and his detached head are important, and you will be required to remember who did it and why. Especially if you are an Auror. (Wasn't he the Minister who Transfigured the entire MLE Department into rodents, and put them in a cat-infested house?)

13. Yes, the Auror Department is subject to vocal checks. Specific notes on the vocal register are required for being an Auror.

14. If purple clashes with your hair or eyes or anything, you will never get higher than the Department of Magical Dung Beetle Protection.

15. Eunuchs cannot become Aurors or part of the Department of Regulation of Dangerous Magical Creatures.

16. You must be at least five days old, have at least one OWL, and at least an Acceptable NEWT, if you wish to become a Ministry Secretary.

17. The Greetings Witch or Wizard must not have a muggleborn or muggle dentist.

18. The Auror who loses at Poker night must clean the Fountain of Magical Brethren with a toothbrush and toothpaste. Yes. Muggle toothpaste.

19. Use of the word "faith" in conjunction with the word "bad" while within a twenty-foot radius of a Malfoy is an offense that will get you sent to Azkaban. (Pft.)

20. The Minister of Magic must be: a) elected, b) a Hogwarts graduate, c) the recipient of a single OWL or an NEWT. (Am I the only person who thinks that this is disgraceful?)

21. The Head of the Department for Distribution of Orphaned Youth must be missing at least one tooth, and must have at least one wart.

22. The only requirement for the Head of Ministry Décor is that the said person not be deaf. (What about blind? Harry, one time… 1433. Wasn't that when the entire Ministry was green, orange, and bejeweled purple? Yes.)

23. Every fifth Tuesday is underwear inspection day, and occasionally, when Venus and Uranus are in conjunction, it is on a Thursday as well. Aurors are required to be subject to underwear inspection day, as not wearing the required underwear may be bad for one's health. (Good grief.)

24. Wearing shoes with laces on Wednesdays will get you fired, even for a first-time offender.

25. Baseball caps are treasonous. Don't wear them. The sentence is a decade in Azkaban.

26. The Minister is never nice. He is always brilliantly handsome.

27. You must never sign your full name. Only a single first initial and full surname is required, and anything further is considered impertinent.

28. It is completely and totally illegal to eat eggs for breakfast while at the Ministry. If you are going to bring breakfast to work, it must be toast or cereal.

29. Cereal/Serial Killer jokes will get Aurors suspended.

30. Sirius/Serious jokes will get Aurors sent to a Muggle Penitentiary in Northern Russia. (Do I want to know?)

31. Humor in the presence of the Minister that is not sanctioned by the Minister is a possible sentence to the Death Veil or a Dementors' Kiss.

32. Those who have read the entire handbook up until this point will be required to take a mandatory exam on their sanity.

33. If the words "Cramer's Rule" mean something to you, you're fired.

34. Members of the Potter Family must take an oath stating that they will not prank the Ministry of Magic so long as they are working there. (Pft. I wonder…)

35. The Secondary Secretary to the Minister of Magic must have three syllables in their surname. (One name – Weatherby.)

36. You must be a Hogwarts graduate to work at the Ministry of Magic. Unless you are a Beauxbatons graduate. Or a Durmstrang graduate. Or a graduate of the Salem Academy. Or a graduate of the SFA. Or a graduate of the Temple of Aset. Or a graduate of the Mahō no Gakkō. Or a graduate of the Temple of Magic in Mesopotamia. You do not need a diploma. (Need I say anything? Idiots. I agree.)

37. Use of the true name of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named within the Ministry building will be an easy way to get fired.

38. Never bring green butterflies into the Minister's Office. (Whyever not? Whyever is not a word, Harry. So?)

39. Muggle Jelly-Beans are not to be brought into the Atrium.

40. Popcorn is never to enter the Department of Mysteries.

41. Never enter the Department of Mysteries unless you are an Unspeakable.

42. Upside-down Day is a Mandatory day in the MLE. Not showing up while perfectly healthy and safe is considered reason for being fired.

43. Never disagree with the Department for the Regulation of Redundancy. (Sweet Merlin. There is a Department for the Regulation of Redundancy?)

44. Do not enter, or apply for, the Department for Censure of Mail of the No-Longer-Alive. (What?)

45. Never step into the Atrium right foot first. Always walk into the Atrium left foot first.

46. You may not wear purple shoes with yellow socks.

47. Employees of the Minister's Inner Office may not speak in English outside of the Ministry.

48. Employees of the Minister's Super-Secret Inner-Inner Office may not reveal who they are, and may not speak in any language but Greek outside of the Ministry. They must wear their uniforms at all times. Including the five-foot green and yellow polka-dotted hat.

49. Coming to the Ministry of Magic with green underwear is unacceptable.

50. If the Minister wants your wife, he gets your wife. If the Minister wants your child, he gets your child. If the Minister wants you, you're promoted.

51. Winners of the TriWizard Tournament may not be Minister of Magic. (What? It dates back to 1232, Harry. Richard Potter won the TriWizard Tournament? Yes, in 1213. And what happened? Ahem. HE is the reason for two of the pieces of idiocy in this booklet, although, to be frank, I believe that Pool Day was originally supposed to be a prank. That's funny.)

52. It is illegal for an Ollivander to work for the Ministry. That includes women whose maiden names are Ollivander, and people whose grandparents were Ollivanders.

53. Harry Potter Day, also known as the Day that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Was Defeated, is on October 31st. All Ministry personnel are required to burn something green and dump the ashes in the Fountain of Magical Brethren.

54. Unspeakables may not have silver teeth. Gold teeth are permissible.

55. Members of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures must be virgins. (What, are they going to check?)

56. It is recommended that employees of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures not be allergic to fire, smoke, bee stings, or cauliflower. (Why cauliflower?)

57. Members of the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes may not affect American accents or French accents.

58. Members of the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes may not be Occlumens, but they are welcome to be Legilimens, so long as they are registered with the MLE. (What?)

59. Members of the MLE who read the Quibbler will be sent immediately to St. Mungo's.

60. The Welcome Witch must be blonde.

61. The Daily Announcements Wizard must sound bored.

62. If a Death Eater comes towards you with their wand raised, it is advised that you throw your wand away and begin screaming as shrilly as possible in the hopes that the MLE or off-duty Aurors will hear you.

63. If He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named approaches, playing dead while sobbing hysterically is the only option. Remember to leave your wand at least four feet away.

64. If there is a fire or an earthquake, hide under your desk until further instructions are given out.

65. If there is an unplanned flood or prank, drop your wand and start wondering who did it.

66. All late-night guards should look carefully ensure that the fish in the fish-tanks are not their former fellow employees.

67. Do not leave your wand on your desk.

68. Do not leave your wand at home.

69. Do not drink something with the label "DoM Ex: Highly Dangerous."

70. Do not eat something with the label "DoM Ex: Highly Dangerous."

71. Do not tie a bungee cord around your waist and jump down the lifts. (Why not? Because the last person who did that never came back. Oh. Is the DoM really researching that guy's disappearance? Yes, and it was a girl, not a guy.)

72. If you are approached by a person wearing a T-shirt that says "Department of Mysteries – EH," back away slowly until you are around a corner, and then run madly, screaming like crazy.

73. If you meet a reporter, be sure to mention how brilliant the Minister is. You may get promoted.

74. Do not eat oatmeal for breakfast. Porridge is a smarter idea. (Is there a difference?)

75. Sniffy the House Elf is allergic to freckles. All personnel with freckles should use the potion proscribed by Ahenobarbus Adeodatus, famed discoverer of Spattergroit. (Wasn't he that daft guy who kept telling Ron he had Spattergroit?)

76. In the case of an alarm, follow the instructions promptly.

77. In the case that there is no alarm, but there is a case where there should be an alarm, run in circles, scream, drop your wand, and hide under the nearest desk or table.

78. The Minister must always be the last person to enter his office every morning.

79. Late-Night Auror Security Guards must check in at 1:30 pm every day, and check out at 9:30 am every day.

80. Sneakers, being a muggle invention, are not permissible inside the Ministry of Magic.

81. Placing signs calling the Ministry "The Ministry of Magic(al Incompetents)" is the second-easiest way to get fired.

82. The Office of Alphabetical Accuracy does not permit employees with the surname beginning with the letters G, M, or P. (This is ridiculous! I agree!)

83. The Office of Filing Names of Secretaries does not permit Potters, Gryffindors, or McGonagalls.

84. Mention of the Potter family in front of Arnold Peasegood is a very bad idea. (Do I want to know?)

85. Stripes are not permitted in the Death Chamber of the Department of Mysteries.

86. The proper answer to "Help me! The Blibbering Humdingers have the Minister!" is, of course, "Oh no! Let's call the Department of Law Enforcement and rouse a search party!"

87. The best way to fend off ravenous Transfigured employees from the Department of International Magical Cooperation is to throw a box of doughnuts towards them and run quickly in the opposite direction.

88. The Minister is always right. (Oh no he isn't!)

89. Except when the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement proves that he is wrong. (Oh, and that makes loads of sense!)

90. As of 1985, all Hogwarts graduates with a Potions NEWT are automatically not required to take an extra Potions test to become an Auror.

91. The cafeteria does not, and will never, serve pizza. It is an evil muggle concoction.

92. If someone runs down the hall screaming about saving the world, do not worry. It simply means that the eggs have gotten loose.

93. In the case of the escape of our feral hard-boiled eggs, the smartest thing to do would be to Apparate, Portkey, or Floo away as quickly as possible. Should that be impossible, then hiding by using a Sticking Charm to the ceiling should work quite well, as the eggs cannot see above their heads. (Hard-boiled eggs have heads? Oh, the things I never knew…)

94. There is no need to worry. The Department of Mysteries is not secretly developing an incurable disease that will attach itself to anyone without pure blood and make them into Squibs. Really. They're not. We think.

95. Voldemort is not back. (No, because I just killed him. Again.)

96. Your money is perfectly safe in Gringotts. The Minister is not bribing people to Polyjuice as goblins and steal your gold. We think.

97. That noise in the ceiling of your office is just the wind. Yes, our building is completely underground. The Department of Mysteries and their experiments with chimeras and manticores has absolutely nothing to do with the way you are hearing roars and screams in your ceiling. We promise.

98. THERE IS NO HOUSE-ELF REBELLION, and THERE IS NO ROTFANG CONSPIRACY!

99. The door marked "Ordinary Closet with Nothing In It At All" is really just a closet.

100. Ever since the incident of 1965, it is completely and totally illegal for Potters to bring their children to the Ministry. Noncompliance will result in a lengthy trip to Azkaban.

As you can see, these, which are just the 100 hand-picked ones that I chose, are absolutely ridiculous rules and guidelines.

Yes, about that… Hermione, why is the Ministry so anti-Potter?

Oh Merlin, Harry… It isn't that the Ministry is anti-Potter… Well, let's see if I can explain.

In 1211, Richard Potter became the Head of the Potter Family. In 1213, he won the TriWizard Tournament. In 1228, he was elected Minister of Magic. One of the various laws he destroyed includes a law that forced muggleborn witches to sign a register, similar to the register of dangerous beasts or strange creatures. Two laws he instated include Annual Pool Day, during which the entire Ministry was flooded, and two Inside-Out Sock Days, which were the first Sundays of January and July.

That's funny.

Yes, I suppose. Then, there's the Incident of 907, during which your far-past ancestor played an unknown prank on the Ministry, resulting in the required Potter Oath of Non-Pranking. Or, the Incident of 1947, when the Office of Filing Names of Secretaries discovered that a certain Benjamin Potter and Minerva McGonagall replaced every other name with the word "boring." Old Darridan Redidan is still traumatized, and I don't believe he ever met any Potters or allowed anyone to reintroduce him to McGonagall ever since.

Oh… Oh Sweet Merlin, you're not kidding!

Of course I'm not, would I joke about History, Harry? The Peasegood thing has to do with your father, I believe… I'll see if I can find an old Daily Prophet article. As for the Incident of 1965…

Yes…

Well…

Hermione, please tell me, I'm sure it isn't that bad.

Well, I'll tell it the way it was told to me.

"It was an ordinary Tuesday at the Ministry of Magic, without a catastrophe in sight, when Charles Potter discovered that he was left with his son for the day. Their house-elves were out shopping and cooking and cleaning, and Elizabeth was visiting the Longbottoms. So little James was left with his father, who had to get to work. So, Charles took James to work with him.

"James was only five and a half, but it seemed that his mere presence was enough to wreak complete and total havoc.

"He managed to get away from under his father's watchful eyes within a handful of moments, and scampered right off for the lifts, just to ride up and down on them.

"James Potter stopped off on the Ninth Floor, and headed into the Tenth. Nobody knows precisely what he did, but the entire room was vivid blue and gold, and had to be completely ripped apart and rebuilt, after every known Charm, Transfiguration, and Potion did not work.

"Turning around, he entered the Department of Mysteries. As before, what he did is unknown. But what is known is that the Department of Mysteries was shut down for five years after the event, and several mysterious search warrants for a blonde woman wearing a T-shirt suddenly went out. The only thing that the Unspeakables would say is that James had found a fork, and would use it as he wished.

"The Eighth Floor, the Atrium, became a place of complete chaos. The departure Floo fireplaces turned into vivid pink doors with unicorn-shaped handles. The arrival Floo fireplaces began misfiring, sending the wrong people in, and sending those who intended to enter the Ministry to a place called "The Terrarium." Apparently, it's a giant terrarium in the United States.

"The gravity of the Atrium flipped, and the lifts either stopped, or began going to random places at nauseating speeds. The security desk dumped the guard on the ceiling, and began walking around on the floor, while the Fountain of Magical Brethren left their normal positions for some – different ones."

Tell me, Hermione.

"The house-elf was riding the witch with a saddle made from her hat. The goblin was gathering up the coins out of the water and carrying them into the destroyed departure Floo fireplaces. The centaur was sneering at the wizard, who was on his hands and knees under the centaur's hooves."

That's… that's hysterical!

I suppose. Well, to go on –

"Level Seven, the Department of Magical Games and Sports, found that the figures from their posters had escaped, and were determinedly emptying file cabinets and flying around the corridors. Level Six, Department of Magical Transportation, Anti-Apparation Wards mysteriously went up, as well as Wards that blocked Portkeys. Furthermore, the Floo fireplaces all simultaneously exploded in an blast of smoke, ash, and soot. Level Five, the Department of International Magical Cooperation, suddenly discovered that every single person spoke and understood a different language. Literally. They spoke one language, and understood a different one. Over five hundred languages, including some dead ones, were revived that day."

Wow.

"Level Four is the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, who all found themselves animals of some sort, with no way to change back. I believe the goldfish currently in the Minister's office are the people who were in charge of the Werewolf Capture Unit. For some reason, even Minerva McGonagall could not return them to normal.

"Level Three is the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes, and they discovered every office and corridor with the gravity flipped, as well as boggarts in every desk. Level Two is where he was finally stopped by his father, after causing mayhem with some Auror Trainees, who mysteriously disappeared and never came back.

"After that day, it became illegal to bring a Potter child to the Ministry."

Whoa… go Dad. How old was he, again?

Five and a half. Honestly, making snap judgments like that about a child, really! But in any case, Harry, the point I'm trying to make is, the Ministry is entirely lacking of something very important.

Yeah, brains.

I meant logic, Harry.

I knew that.

Sure you did. Sure.

AN: Please Review!