I wrote a second chapter of my fic 'For the very last time' set pre- Hebden Bridge scene. It was originally meant to be a one-shot but I felt like adding Syeds POV in a second chapter. Hope it doesn't come across too much like a repetition of chapter 1. Feel free to let me know what you think.
"I'm sorry" I say and a sense of guilt creeps over as I think of all the pain I've caused. I'm holding his hand, stroking it charily and I feel lost. This beautiful, strong man facing me has tears running down his face and it's all my fault. He knows about the pregnancy, I broke his heart. Again. I can feel that this time it's too much for him, I can see the desperation in his eyes but there is something else. Determination!
"I'm not" he says "but it's enough now. For both of us."
"No", I whisper quietly and 'NO,NO,NO' my heart screams out loud. Suddenly I feel panic arising inside of me. I realise he's going to do it, he's going to leave me for good. I'm feeling sick by the mere thought of it. Imagining to never see him again, never feel his touch again makes me freeze. Those months after the wedding were grievous, pretending I am happy with Amira while I felt trapped in my self imposed prison was torture. But at least he was there. I always knew he was at the Square, I could see him to regain strength when it got too much, I could talk a few words, listen to his comforting voice. It was him who made me survive. It was him who gave me the energy to endure my bleak life. I remember how hard I fought to stay away from him, how much self-control it took not to run into his arms begging him to hold me close, touch me, fuck me and make me feel alive again. In the end all the effort had been pointless; ultimately I just couldn't resist him. The day I fell back into his embrace crosses my mind. It's been right after Amira had told me that Christian 'helped her'.
When I perceived what she meant by it, I was shocked, furious about the interference. I didn't want him to know about the extent of misery I am facing in my marriage, I was ashamed, angry at my own failure and I certainly didn't want him to have anything to do with this part of my life. Later when I had calmed down and realised why he had done it I was deeply touched. How much it must have hurt him to tell Amira about our song, our precious private moments, giving her advice how to seduce me as he's the only one who really knows who I am and what I need. He did it all to make the life I've chosen to lead endurable. It's the life I decided to live without him and still he's there to help me. The selflessness of this act is still so overwhelming I can't put it into words. The pain this man has gone through because of me makes me feel guilty and piteous. Most of the time I try to push his sorrow aside as it's too painful to face it –and I practised this habit for almost a year now- but in those moments when I can't eliminate the thoughts about his broken heart I know that I have to let him go. It's torture for me to set him free but it's torture for him to stay and watch me starting a family with her. I want him to be the strong and self-confident man I fell in love with, I want him to be happy. No way he will ever be as long as I'm around.
'Enough' I hear him say as he takes his suitcase and steps away from me. I know he's right but still I feel like pleading him to stay. I can feel the tears running down my face now, all the self-composed restraint is fading.
Incoherent thoughts on my mind: Maybe I could leave with him? Or I could tell Amira the truth and we could live together despite everything. Leave her alone with the baby I wanted to have? No. No, the situation is futile. I have to accept responsibility for what I have caused and I must release him.
"I don't know what to say" I stutter and fail at the attempt to restrain my emotions.
"There's nothing left to say", he replies and looks straight into my eyes. His glance is soft, I can spot love in his eyes. Slowly he's lifting up his arm reaching for my face. He caresses me with his touch and I start to melt immediately. One touch is enough to lose myself in him completely.
"One last time?" I hear him ask and I shutter by the cruelty of those words. Phrasing the inescapable reality, verbalising the knowledge that it'll all be over after tonight, Christian –my beloved Christian- makes me realise the hopelessness of our situation. The need to feel him takes over and my lips reach to find his for a tender kiss. It's a kiss filled with the hope he senses my love for him. I need him to know, need to make sure he really comprehends the depth of my feelings.
"You know I love you", I whisper into his ear trying to control my trembling voice. I know I haven't told him these words often enough during the time we shared. I did not for a reason. I sensed very quickly that what I felt for him was love, true and strong love and still I couldn't tell him until just before Christmas. I was afraid to say the words, so afraid that telling him, opening up to him like this would eventually mean that there's no way back. No way back to denial. I was afraid that saying it out loud would have made it impossible for me to go on with what I had planned for my life so accurately. Marrying Amira, staying true to my faith and making my family proud. Like a mantra I had told myself over and over again that this way is the only one to go, that there are no other options.
Today I wish that someone had stopped me back then. I wish Christian wouldn't have let me go through with the wedding, I wish my mother would have stopped it when I opened up to her and told her I was gay and in love with him. Well, her reaction was to do the exact opposite determined to avoid the shame. I wish I had acted on my feelings but now it's too late. The die is cast.
"Yes, I know that Sy", he says and kisses me more forcefully. It feels so good, so right and I just need him to be closer, need his body against my own. I pull my arms around his hips embracing his whole being. As our kiss gets deeper my arousal heightens. Feeling the wish to let him possess me totally, I close my eyes and concentrate on his sweet touch. His hands are on my face, then he strokes my hair and I smile as I know exactly how much he loves to do that.
A moment later, he's unbuttoning my shirt, takes it off and his hands are leaving my skin burning with desire for more, desire for the man I love so much. The urge to explore his naked skin overcomes me with an almost painful intensity and I pull his shirt over his head. For a second I'm paralysed by the sight of his muscular chest which is literally taking my breath away. 'Fuck, he's beautiful'. I hear an incredulous moan and realise only afterwards that it has escaped my own mouth. As I caress his strong, well-defined shoulders, absorbed in thought I can feel his hands gliding down my back tenderly, his touch turning into a firm grip as he reaches my arse. He pulls me close, our hips collide and I feel his erection against me. I start rubbing my groin against him, showing him my undisguised craving. At one fell swoop he frees me from my trousers and his hands are sliding into my pants. His hand wrapped around my hard cock causes an overload of sensation and I'm not sure my legs can take my weight much longer. I kiss him hard, passionately, my fingers clasping his strong arms.
"Please... I need you so much", I whisper and I'm desperate for him to realise how much I really do. He looks at me with a calm and loving expression on his face taking my hand and leading me to our bed.
I sit down in front of him, looking up, admiring my gorgeous lover. Determined I start to unbutton his jeans. An aching need to taste him overwhelms me. Impatiently I undress him and as I look straight into his eyes my wanton mouth covers his huge, solid cock. I take his whole length into my mouth and suck him hard and slow. My hand caresses his balls while I let my tongue circle, stimulating him over and over again. Moaning sounds escape his mouth, I can hear him breathe heavily.
"No...stop", he groans, "I'm too close, I want this to last". I look at him and the sight of him being aroused, so close to the edge evokes a scary emotion inside of me. This is happening for the very last time. As he lays down beside me I try to push this thought away and concentrate on his blissful touch instead. His hands and lips are everywhere; his kisses send shivers through my body. My chest rises and falls quickly as his tongue is teasing my hard nipples. I'm panting, impassioned moans leave my lips and the urge to feel him inside of me is unbearable now. I reach for him and as I get hold of his hair I enthusiastically pull him upwards to face me. I can't restrain myself any longer, I want all of him and I want it now.
"Fuck me, Christian", I claim purposeful. My hungry mouth is covering his lips again longing for him to be close. My whole body is shaking as his hands slide down my body and reach my buttocks. I feel pleasure beyond imagination when his fingers are entering my body, moving, gliding in and out. A lustful groan escapes my lips as he hits the soft spot inside of me and I can't help but thrust against his fingers. I reach for his incredibly hard cock, desperate to feel it inside of me. His strong hands grip my hip and I sense him against my opening. As he's sliding inwards pushing tentatively I look at his face and see what's on his mind. Like a baleful shade the cognition is beclouding the atmosphere. This is happening for the very last time. Our eyes are locked as I devote myself to him completely. He's moving inside of me slow at first but hard and fiercely, and an intense feeling of bliss is taking over my mind. He leans in for a passionate kiss, one hand gripping for my neck pulling me as close as possible. As the pace of his thrusts increases I push back on him desperate to enhance the overwhelming feeling to the maximum. Tears are running down my lovers face as his thrusts grow erratically. A compelling mix of emotions is flooding my whole body as I feel myself tighten around him. "I love you so much, Sy", he whispers with a grief-stricken look in his beautiful eyes. I want him to know how much I reciprocate his feelings. "I love you too" I reply "you'll never know how much I really do". Saying these words I can feel myself releasing, I let go completely my whole body burning from my all-consuming passion for him. Our eyes are still locked when he releases inside my body only seconds later. Love is filling the air combined with a grinding despair surrounding both of us.
When it's all over the need to be close is still of utmost importance. We lay there, our bodies intimately entwined. At this gracious moment as I'm lying close to him and he kisses away the tears which are running down my face, I can see resignation and sad acceptance in my lover's eyes. I perceive that he won't fight anymore. 'This is it then?', I ask myself silently. But something is bugging me and I just can't get rid of that emotion. Something deep inside tells me that this is not the end of our journey.