Maybe I Didn't Love You
Laura was late, he was only mildly worried. Mentally, he knew she was safe, at a crime scene, surrounded by people. But a small piece of his mind would always be concerned, would always go to a dark place when she was late coming home.
It had been this way for weeks. They'd worked opposite shifts, too often crossing each other in the hallway. A quick peck on the cheek as one was coming in and the other was leaving. He couldn't say anything, complain, because it was his fault. He was the one who'd gone back to work. Before his decision changed their lives, her crazy schedule didn't matter. They could be together because he was always free. It was a simple matter to change his sleep patterns to make sure he could be with her.
He was tired of it. Tired of being ships passing in the nights. He wanted to fall asleep in her arms and wake much the same. If he was honest, he was tired of it all. They'd wasted, well he'd wasted, so much time. Time they could have been together, have loved one another. Now he just wanted to spend what time he had left loving her, without the constraints of jobs and schedules.
She would probably laugh if he told her his fears, his concerns. Remind him he was the cause of this current stress. It wouldn't be anger, just a gentle chastising, followed with a reminder that she wasn't ready to give it all up.
The door opening made him turn around. She practically stumbled through the door, fatigue etched on the beautiful features of her face. He crossed the room in an instant, taking the heavy case she was carrying, closing the door behind her.
"Have you eaten?"
She shook her head, "No, and I'm not sure I have the strength."
"I'll make you something, you need to eat." Her grimace was a subtle reminder of his subpar cooking skills. "I can manage tea and toast. That will hold you until morning." He kissed the side of her face, "Go on up, get ready for bed. I'll bring it up."
Without another word, she nodded and headed for the stairs. He watched her go, worried. He'd never seen her quite so tired. Normally she was a bundle of energy. The cuts at work, the pressures, were starting to get to her. Maybe it was time for him to call it a day, keep his promise of having her supper ready when she came home.
He set about making the tea and toast, placing it all on a tray he carried up the stairs. The water was still running in their bathroom when he entered the bedroom. He set the tray to the side then turned down the covers. He moved toward the bathroom and had to smile at the sight. Laura was leant against the wall, toothbrush in her mouth, fast asleep.
Crossing the room, he gently pulled on the toothbrush, startling her awake. "I think we can skip the tea and toast. Let's just get you in bed."
She smiled sleepily, "I'm sorry."
Rinsing her toothbrush, he met her eyes in the mirror, "What for?"
"I've been working so hard. We haven't seen each other in weeks. This probably isn't exactly what you signed up for. I'm afraid I'm not a very good partner."
Guilt tugged at him, she was blaming herself for the last few weeks. He wondered what he had done to her to make her feel she was responsible for this, make her feel she was somehow second best.
Turning to her, he pulled her into his arms. "Don't ever think that. You are more than I ever deserved, more than I ever dreamed I would have."
She smiled against his chest, "Those are nice words, Robbie."
Kissing the top of her head, "They aren't just words, Laura. I'm sorry if I've ever made you doubt how I feel."
She looked up at him, tears brimming in her blue eyes. "Are you trying to make me feel worse than I already do?"
Brushing a single tear from her cheek, "Never, love. I'm trying, pretty badly clearly, to make you understand how very much I love you."
"I do know, and I'm sor…"
He kissed her, not letting her finish the sentence. He thought of all of the times he'd wanted to kiss her and had let fear and insecurity stop him. He poured all of that emotion into his kiss hoping in some way she would understand his meaning.
They were both breathless when the kiss ended. Robbie gently stroked her cheek, smiling down at her. "Now, let's get you to bed. We can continue this conversation in the morning."
"Aren't you on shift in the morning?"
He shook his head, "No, I believe I am going to be very ill tomorrow. I might have to spend the entire day in bed."
Robbie led her to their bedroom and settled her in bed. "I'm going to take the tray downstairs. I'll be back in a minute."
She nodded, already falling asleep as his words filled the room. He carried the tray downstairs, leaving the dishes in the sink to be tended to in the morning.
Returning to their room, he watched her sleep for a few moments. His mind made a list of all of the little things he wanted to do for her, all of the little things he would do for her. Another man, a lesser man, might have only thought of big things, an extravagant vacation, jewelry, some grand gesture. But Robbie Lewis was a better man. He knew the truest moments of love exist in the little things, in the calm, quiet moments where they were free to just be.
Slipping into bed beside her, he sighed as she curled into his body, accepting him even in her sleep. He held her and made a promise to himself that this would be their future. He wouldn't waste another day without letting her know she was always on his mind.
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
Girl I'm sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Always On My Mind - Willie Nelson