Chasing Cars
She was exhausted, could barely keep her eyes open. The last few weeks had been nearly impossible. She couldn't remember the last time she'd gotten more than 6 hours of sleep or worked less than 12 hours in a day.
At least tonight, provided her phone didn't ring, she might actually get to sleep next to Robbie. They hadn't done more than cross in the hall in weeks. She missed him, missed them. They'd gotten past her anger when he'd gone back to work. After the initial adjustment, it had been nice to have him around.
But now, with the cutbacks, the increased expectations, they never saw one another. At another point in her life, she might have blamed him. If he hadn't gone back to work he would be there when she came dragging into the house at all hours. But seeing how happy being back at work made him, made her happy. It was a small price to pay.
Perhaps she could retire, have dinner on the table when he came home. She'd had offers, private consulting. It would give her vastly more flexibility, would pay better too. It had taken them so long to finally come together as a couple. She didn't want to waste any time.
Pulling into their drive, all she could think about was crawling into bed. The idea of falling asleep in Robbie's arms made her sigh. Getting out of the car, she staggered to the front door. She hoped he was still awake, desperately needed to see him.
She practically stumbled through the door, happy to see lights on downstairs. Before she could even draw a breath he was at her side, taking the heavy case she carried, closing the door behind her.
"Have you eaten?"
She shook her head, "No, and I'm not sure I have the strength."
"I'll make you something, you need to eat." She grimaced worried about what he might concoct. "I can manage tea and toast. That will hold you until morning." She leaned into his kiss, longing for his touch. "Go on up, get ready for bed. I'll bring it up."
Without another word, she nodded and headed for the stairs. She needed to talk with him, tell him she couldn't continue this way. In their bedroom, she changed quickly then made her way to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth.
Staring in the mirror, she saw lines she'd never seen before, wondered if Robbie noticed. Going back to work seemed to rejuvenate him. All it seemed to be doing to her was aging her. She had to get out. Leaning against the wall to brush her teeth, she closed her eyes, imagining a life away from all of this.
The toothbrush being pulled from her mouth woke her. She smiled sleepily at Robbie, "I'm sorry."
He met her eyes in the mirror, "What for?"
"I've been working so hard. We haven't seen each other in weeks. This probably isn't exactly what you signed up for. I'm afraid I'm not a very good partner."
She sighed when he pulled her to him, wrapped her in his arms. "Don't ever think that. You are more than I ever deserved, more than I ever dreamed I would have."
She smiled against his chest, overwhelmed by his words. "Those are nice words, Robbie."
"They aren't just words, Laura. I'm sorry if I've ever made you doubt how I feel."
She looked up at him, could feel tears building in her eyes, "Are you trying to make me feel worse than I already do?"
She leaned into his hand as he brushed away a tear, "Never, love. I'm trying, pretty badly clearly, to make you understand how very much I love you."
Her heart broke, how could he be so forgiving her? She'd learned so much about relationships from him, "I do know, and I'm sor…"
His kiss took her breath away. She wasn't sure if it was because it was the first real kiss they'd shared in weeks or if he was trying to tell her something. But this kiss felt different, powerful, healing.
They were both breathless when the kiss ended. Robbie gently stroked her cheek, smiling down at her. "Now, let's get you to bed. We can continue this conversation in the morning."
"Aren't you on shift in the morning?"
He shook his head, "No, I believe I am going to be very ill tomorrow. I might have to spend the entire day in bed."
He pulled her gently toward their bedroom, settling her in bed. "I'm going to take the tray downstairs. I'll be back in a minute."
She couldn't say anything. Was afraid if she did all of her feelings would come back in a torrent of nonsensical words. Sleep would help to clear all of her fears and insecurities. It would help her find the words she needed to say.
She woke naturally the next morning, no alarm, no ringing phones. Robbie's arm was across her waist, holding her to him. A smile lit her face, it had been so long. She couldn't remember the last time she'd woken in his arms.
Turning as slowly as possible she watched him sleep. Her thoughts wandered back to the prior night, thinking how easily he had stepped into the role of caretaker. He hadn't been angry she'd been late, had ruined their chance for an evening alone. He'd been so graceful in accepting her crazy hours. Unlike the way she'd responded when he went back to work. It reminded her of herself when she'd been the one who was so forgiving.
These last few weeks, he'd reminded her of what it meant to be an accepting partner. She needed to find the missing part of her. His last words to her floated through her head. Was he serious about being sick today? Could they really just lay here all day? Her eyes slipped closed thrilled at the mere suggestion of it. Wishing for thousands of mornings, just like this. Mornings where they woke naturally, lingered in bed, had nothing to do but just be. They could forget about the entire world if they wanted.
"Good morning beautiful."
She opened her eyes and everything was suddenly so very clear. He was all she needed. This moment, this simple, quiet moment was all she'd ever really needed. "I want to retire. I don't expect you to but I want to. I want thousands, millions of moments just like this. I want a life with you, not just passing in the hallway between work shifts."
Robbie kissed her, pushing her onto her back. Looking down at her he smiled, "Yes."
She pulled him down for another kiss. They lost themselves in each other. Forgetting all about the rest of the world.
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
The song is by Snow Patrol. It's called Chasing Cars