Hey all! I hope everyone is doing awesome! I for one am kind of glad that I got this updated a lot quicker this time, as I hope you guys are too. I'm so sad that the season is over already..But hopefully the next season won't take as long to get here. ENJOY! ;)
The sun was dimming slowly as we pulled up in front of the dark four story building. I get out and give the driver a fifty, "Thank you." He nods. "Have a great day." He replies. I nod with a nervous smile on my face and turn around. The abruptness of the situation hit me hard. I start to play with my necklace wrapping my hand around it pinching the silver with my fingers. I can do this. My hands start to shake as I walk my way up the one case of stairs. I finally reach the front door. I look on the side of the building that reads Lackawanna Children's Services. The word child stays in my head for the next ten minutes it takes to get up to the main office. I'm going to be a mom. A mom. I feel the sweat on my hands start to take control as I'm forced to let go of my necklace. The big brindle door is suddenly in front of me, before I had the time to blink. I take a deep breath about the open the door as my eyes drift to the side glancing at the names of the Social Workers of the office. The third down, I see Richard M. Garrison. I smile lightly with excitement and opening the front door the abrupt smell of apples entering my senses. I glance at the receptionist sitting at the desk almost hooked to the phone her brunet hair wrapped around the phone cord. Looking down, I see the apple spice air freshener that is making my head spin with the strength of the scent.
"Hi can I help you?" the voice disturbs my thoughts as I look over smiling nervously. "Oh hi sorry, yes I'm here to see Mr. Garrison." She nods politely and asks "Name?" "Pam Beesly." "Alright, let me see if he's available please have a seat." "Thank you "is all I reply making my way over to the dark maroon chairs barely a foot away. I watch as she picks up the phone and pushes an extension. I look around the room taking in the pictures of children all over the wall. I smile when I see a baby wrapped in a flower staring so innocently at the camera. Tears press against my eyelids, so shocked by the happiness that erupts through my chest. I cross my legs and tap my foot nervously. "Mr. Garrison, Pam Beesly is here to see you." I look over at her as she taps her pen against the desk. I swallow deeply thinking how I was going to be able to walk back into the office now after my yelling spree. I lean my head back closing my eyes. Ugh, everything was turning into such a nightmare and becoming exciting all at once. It was actually excruciatingly annoying. I wanted to be happy, but yet for some reason the universe doesn't seem to make that possible for me. I really don't care what you want Roy! Those words replaying over and over in my head like a bad record. I play with my hands sitting in my lap, my purse lazily hanging off my arm. Sometimes I couldn't believe Roy has the nerve to say the things he says. Holding my hand, making it seem like he's with me all the way, then taking it away by telling me I will be a terrible mother. Approximately, a month and a half after my sister died and learned I was going to have to take her kid. Thanks Roy.
I couldn't feel more embarrassed than I was during that moment. Maybe it's delusion. All of this going through my head, the stress. I was so furious and every time I replay it in my head it makes me even angrier. Breaking through my harsh thoughts I hear "Miss Beesly?" I look up and meet her eyes. "Mr. Garrison will see you now." I nod politely and stand. "Last door on your right" I make my way down the narrow hallway, but not before saying "Thank you" in reply. The walls were covered in photos of different babies that had some kind of quote next to it. I looked up at the one right before his door. There was a baby sitting in a pile of rose petals and at the bottom in silver it read Children begin loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. I smile imagining Ben coming up to me begging to be able to use the car, to go to a party maybe a football game. In that instant I hoped that he would pick basketball. Jim pops in my head; I think about the basketball game in the warehouse the way Roy shoved him so furiously. No not now my mind screeches. I take a shattered breath and walk past the picture. I find his door cracked so I knock lightly until I hear a "Come in." I make my way inside and his head greets me. "Hello Pam." His smile is contagious as he stands to greet me. "Hello." I politely reply shaking his hand. "Please have a seat." He gestures to the two dark maroon seats like the ones in the waiting room, but more cushion. He shuts the door then walks back around to his own chair. "So I'm guessing this is about..." "Ben" I finish for him. "Yes Ben. I'm sure you made a decision?" he inquires placing both of his attached hands on the table across from me.
"Actually, yeah I am just…" I pause not really sure what to say next, then an idea comes out before I even get a chance to decide. "Can I see him?" he doesn't seem fazed by this question like I thought he would be. He looks apprehensive for a moment then looks up at me saying "You can most definitely see him." I can feel the smile light up my entire face. He chuckles at my reaction. "Now the children are actually in the other building across from us. But I will call over there and let them know you will be stopping by. And make sure to have your ID on you. You never can be too careful." I nod along grinning the entire time. I finally get to see Ben. I twist my fingers nervously. I watch him stand as I stand along. "Well Miss Beesly, we need your decision by Friday and I hope today really clears that decision up for you." He smiles and holds out his hand. "We will talk soon." I nod shaking his hand. "We most definitely will." I mock his phrase then moving to walk out of the room.
My legs seem stiff as I walk back into the familiar hallway again making my way back towards the front door. Once I get there I give a short wave to the receptionist and move my way towards the elevator. My hands shake as I press the down button. Is this really happening? Am I actually going to see Penny's son? My nephew? My... I stop myself from going further, trying to keep a steady head on my shoulders. I bite anxiously at my lip as the elevator dings and opens its doors. I find myself outside of the building again taking a sharp right turning down a small pebbled pathway. I follow it around passing a few buildings before finding the right one. A decorated sign with a large rainbow star filled in front of different shades of blue behind it making the star irresistible. I smile at the painted sign and follow the words below. You, My Star, will shine brighter than any sky. I smile and walk towards the doors. I take a deep breath as I reach the handle. I close my eyes trying to hold back my nervous grin then without asking my mind for permission my grip pulls the door open. My eyes start to shine as I look around at least fifty kids playing. To my right is the office center and to my left is stickers made of stars on the wall with different names posted on each different color star.
I look down the row of names. Emily, Candace, Beth, Jake, Daniel, Ben. I stop dead letting my grin break out. I continue to stare at the name as if it's some sort of sign, some sort of green light and the feeling inside me that makes it feel so right. It may not even be my Ben, but just the name glowing at me with its sparkling texture just makes me want to scream with exhilaration. I close my eyes and imagine me taking him home, giving him a bath and cradling him to sleep. That alone excites me. I feel my grin grow wider if that was even possible and finding myself falling into more and more fantasies or more like chronicles of his life. A voice startles me out of my dreams. "Can I help you mam'? I stumble slightly at the sound. "Oh yeah. I just came from the Service building..." I pause slightly watching her face as she stares ahead expectantly. "I am from Mr. Garrison's office." I conclude seeing her facing light up slightly with knowledge. "Oh Miss Beesly!" she leans forward to shake my hand. "Hi I'm Lisa. I am one of many caretakers in this building. Please come with me and we will get you sorted out." I nod politely. "Okay." I reply following her down a straight hallway with more stars following each tile on the floor. I let my tongue roll over my lips as we take a right walking straight into an office, much like the one I was in moments before. She quickly went around the desk and typed something into the computer. "Okay and you are here to see…" she looked as if she was reading a list of some sort as I replied, "Benjamin Beesly." With a small giddy expression I follow my eyes around the office finding pictures of some younger and older kids standing next to I'm sure were the caretakers that belonged here. I didn't even hear the sound of the door open as I see from the corner of my eyes a little girl who looked around four years old, hair in ponytails with green ribbons and a matching green dress filled with yellow bees on her small waistline.
"Isabelle!" Lisa called out to her with a smile that reflected on the windows. I turned and look down at the little girl who reluctantly smiled back at me with her small grin. "Hi Mrs. Codwell" she replies softly, tone hushed. Lisa was just about to reply when another person entered the office. "Bella, they you are!" the older lady exclaimed. They dark circles under her eyes looks as if she hadn't had sleep in years but the warm grin on her face showed that it was well worth it. Her hair was short and was incredibly dark almost black but not quite, while Lisa's was long and light blonde and fairly young.
"You can't run away like that. You know better." She lightly patted her back. The little girl hangs her head. "I sorry just wanted to help with the stickers." The older lady chuckles and turns to me. "She always does." She holds out a hand to me. "Hi, I'm Tiffany or as the little ones call me Miss. T" Her grin warms away my nerves. "Pam Beesly." "So nice to meet you Pam. This is Isabelle." I look down at the young girl who nods her head softly. "Hi" "HI" I smile nervously back at her. "Alright, come on Bella. Let's go get those stickers huh?" the little girl giggles and jumps all at once. Just as fast as they walked in, they continued walking past us through a small door down the office a bit on the left. I watch them disappear and Lisa calls to me.
"She's adorable isn't she? Her parents died in a car crash when she was three." She continued to talk but my senses only heard "car crash" and suddenly I felt as if my body was in one. I feel the nausea settling at the bottom of my stomach. Penny. Ben. Roy. Jim. Mom. Car crash. Everything was hitting me at once. I could almost hear the metal clashing, the glass shattering and see the tombstone that has yet to be made with Penny's name on it. It's like a sickness I have been ignoring for too long. It just got stronger every day I tried to ignore it. It was feasting on my insides and tearing my organs apart. I can't feel my body. I didn't see the panic on Lisa's face, I didn't hear the glass shatter against my hand as I knocked over the candy dish and I didn't feel the blood descending down my arm. I heard Penny's scream then everything went black.
Next chapter will be about Ben! And some jam of course, I realize that I have been cutting you short since the last chapter of Jam, but I wanted to show that it's suddenly not only about Jim and Roy anymore. But don't worry, anyone who knows how I write knows I can't stay away from fluff, it's somehow in my blood somewhere.
Hope everyone enjoyed!
Review me and get 10,000 points! (you thought I was going to say dollars weren't you?)
-Jamfan2000-