A/N: Hello everyone! I hope you guys don't mind that I have switched P.O.V.s between Tobias and Tris the last few chapters. Happy Super Bowl Sunday! This is going to be on the shorter side, and for that I'm sorry! I just don't have much time on my hands to type. Please leave reviews!
I don't own Divergent.
Recap: I turn the keys and start to get anxious, what if she doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me? Is it too soon? Does she even still have feelings for me? Has she even forgiven me? So many situations are floating around in my head, and none of them end up with me being happy. I gulp.
Tris P.O.V.
I don't know if he is considering this a date. Do I? Well, if I'm willing to be honest with myself, I'd like it to be. But we have so much to talk about. We have got to clear everything up before we even try to pursue a relationship. We can't have a relationship without trust, and right now I feel as if we are both just walking on eggshells with each other, and we aren't fully comfortable. I know I still have feelings for him, no matter how hard I've tried to clear him out of my head all these years.
I don't know if it is just because he's back and all the old feelings are coming forth. I don't want, I don't think that these feelings are just one sided, but we will see. We aren't going to ever be the same as we were, because now we are more mature. We are responsible adults, who either decide this is long term, or no relationship at all. I'm hoping he doesn't choose the latter. But he does seem nervous, so am I. I have blamed myself all these years, and I hate that.
Tobias pulls up to a cute little diner, I've never seen it before. It was on the other side of the city. I wonder how he already found it. We listened to low music on the car ride, but we were both lost in our own thoughts. He gets out right after he turns the car off, and runs over to my side before I could even unbuckle my seatbelt. He opens the door and holds out his hand, to help me out. This dinner could either end really badly or perfect. Right now, it could go either way, which frightens me a little.
As we walk inside, it is so cute! It has fairy lights all around with a few lights hanging down. The fairy lights surprisingly brighten it just enough to give off an adorable comfort and a romantic serene. There's wooden chairs with booths all around, and circular tables. I must come back here with Christina, she'd love it. Only if the food is good, though.
An older lady comes over and smiles sweetly. She looks friendly, this is just a friendly place. "Hello, how are you this lovely evening?" she asks with genuine interest.
"We are good, Johanna." How does he know her?
"I'm glad you came back, Four. And you brought someone, who is this gorgeous woman?" she says as she brings her hand up to caress my cheek.
"This is Tris, my- yeah, Tris" he was going to say something more, but he stopped himself. I could tell they were both looking at me, but I was staring at the ground. My face started to heat up.
"Awww, you guys are too cute. Come on, I'll show you to your table then I'll be right back." She brings us over to a booth with lit candles in the center. Surprisingly, this place isn't too crowded, it definitely should be. She comes back with a basket of a ton of different kinds of warm breads with butter. It smells heavenly. "Can I start you guys off with something to drink?"
"Water's fine, for me." I politely say.
"We will take two of your famous lemonades, and water." He throws me a wink, as Johanna, I believe, walks away.
"They have the best lemonade you will ever taste here, Tris. Trust me, you'll thank me."
"So let's start this chat, shall we?"
"Getting right to business, huh?" he asks slightly annoyed, as if he wanted to enjoy at least a little bit of this dinner.
"Yeah, no reason to beat around the bush."
"Right, okay. Where shall we start?"
"I guess, just from the day you rudely broke up with me, then go on from there, and I'll stop you throughout, If I have any questions."
"Then you'll say everything that has happened to you, correct?"
"Yes." Right before he could start telling me his life story, since we split, Johanna sets down our lemonades and waters.
"Have you guys decided on what you would like to eat?" Shoot! I totally haven't even opened the menu yet.
"We will take the special, please." He smiles up at her and hands her our menus. She smiles back,
"Of course, dears, coming right up." she walks off and I give Tobias an annoyed look.
"I could have ordered for myself" I grumble. He lets out a breathy laugh.
"Sorry, do you want me to call her back and let you order for yourself, even though you didn't glance at the menu once?" he says, cockily.
"Oh, whatever." He smirks.
"Still incredibly stubborn, at least that hasn't changed" his smirk forms more into a grimace.
"Yeah, so your life story?" he takes a deep breath, uncrosses his leg and scoots in.
"Well, as you know, I thought what I was doing was for the best. I've always only had your best interest at heart Tris, you must know that. I was scared, confused, upset, and angry. I didn't deserve you, especially when you should've been out having fun." I scoff at that; I've heard that before. "I just found out my mo-Evelyn was alive. I pretty much told you my entire college experience Tris."
"I know, I want to know if you knocked any girls up, or any scares, or if you ever thought about me. I don't know, what I want from this, I just, ugh." I don't know why; I just need to be reassured that he is in this for the long haul. It's as if he heard my own thoughts,
"I'm in this Tris. Okay, for however long you'll keep me around. I'll tell you whatever you want to know whatever I can do to make you completely and 100% sure of what you want between us."
"I feel as if, this was more what I needed to tell you. Since you practically told me the jist of what you have been up to. I guess I just need to tell you how I really felt, and everything. But it's going to be hard, since I hate saying how I feel. And I'm usually really bad at getting everything out, but I'll try my best." I know this is going to be hard for me. He looks at me with these careful eyes, so filled with care and a hint of concern. I take a deep breath and am about to start when we get interrupted.
"Here's the special!" Johanna says with a bright smile. I see a glint of annoyance in Tobias' eyes and I'm sure my eyes mirror his. I look back and her and her smile falters. "Oh my, I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I'll just be going now, let me know if you guys need anything." She scurries off and I look down at the meal. The 'special' is a chicken breast with lemon spread upon it, corn on the cob with butter, and a baked potato. I decide to take a big bite since I know my story will make my appetite go away.
Tobias clears his throat and I look up at him slowly. He is waiting for me to talk. I'm pretty nervous, I've never told anyone what happened in my junior year at college- not even Christina. "Well freshmen and sophomore year was pretty basic. I studied, stayed out of trouble and got good grades. I never joined Christina at any of the parties no matter how much she begged me" he gives me a guilty look.
"I was just a vulnerable heartbroken girl, honestly. I didn't engage in any other friendships, especially guys. In junior year, this one guy, Robert, he was pretty obsessed with me. He always asked me out on dates. I never gave him any intention that I liked him so I wasn't really sure why he repeatedly asked me out. One night over winter break there weren't many stragglers around, I was just in my room with the door open because I didn't think anyone would disrupt me. Christina, of course, wasn't there. She had gone to visit her family. She asked me repeatedly to go with her and that she didn't think it was a good idea for me to be alone but I didn't want to intrude." He rolls his eyes because he knows how stubborn I can be. So I was just chilling in my room reading a book with some low music on, and I didn't hear anyone in the hall. There wasn't supposed to be. All the girls in our hallway went home.
Flashback:
"I won't be what you want," I said then, my voice low.
"And what do you think that is?"
"Your weapon of self-destruction."
He went still. "You think I want to use you?"
Didn't he? "Don't you?"
Noah inhaled slowly. "No, Mara." My name was soft now, in his mouth. "No. I never wanted that."
"Then what do you want?"
"I want- "he stopped. Tore his fingers through his hair. "Never mind what I want." His voice was quieter, now. "What do you want?"
"You." Always you.
"You have me," he said, his eyes meeting mine. "You inhabit me." his face was stone but the words issued from his lips in a plea. "You want to know what I want? I want you to be the one wanting me first. Pushing me first. Kissing me first. Don't be careful with me," he said. "Because I won't be careful with you."
My heart began to race.
Mine too, Mara, mine too. I'm sitting in my dorm room over winter break reading the second book of the Mara Dyer series. And right now, my Noah Shaw feelings are hitting hard. Thanks a lot Michelle Hodkin. I bought the entire trilogy for myself for Christmas, because why not? I started the first one last night and here I am halfway through the second one. Being alone in the dorms have an advantage. I started reading again and I didn't even notice the shadow lurking outside my door. So you would think I'd get extremely scared when my door slams. I throw my book down and look up and see someone in my room!
It's dark now that the hallway light is shut off by my door. "Hello Beatrice." What the hell?! "Funny seeing you here." That vice sounds familiar! Wait this is my dorm room! Why would it be 'funny' seeing me here?!
"Ha-ha very funny. I'm not in any mood for pranks right now turn on the light." Who the hell does he think he is? Whoever this secret guy is starts slowly walking towards me. "Now we wouldn't have to do this with the lights off if you didn't just go on one fucking date with me, now would we Tris?" he sneers. Who-? Oh my god! Robert!
"R-Robert?" I curse myself for stuttering and not sounding strong. I'm not necessarily scared of him, but he sounded so angry! As he gets closer I notice he stinks!
"Ah, Yes my sweet, innocent Tris. I see you do remember my name." I can almost see his smirk in the dark. He is so close by now; I can feel his body heat radiating off of him. I also get a good whiff of him now and he smells like bourbon! Oh my god, he is drunk! Now I'm scared. He could kill me and no one is even here to hear my sounds of plea! I'm completely and utterly cursed! He reaches for my arm and I use it to swing back and hit him hard in the jaw. Ouch! That probably broke my hand. He laughs a slow maniac-like laugh.
"You really shouldn't have done that, Trissy." He lunges for me then, and holds my arms together in one hand, while the other hand reaches for my legs. He laughs lowly. "Oooo! Lucky me. I caught you wearing practically nothing." Shit! It's not my fault my heater is stuck on the highest setting. That art is Christina's fault. So I'm just wearing a pair of flannel shorts and a sweatshirt. Which isn't 'nothing' as he so inappropriately put it. What is wrong with him anyway?
"You're always swaying that ass around letting all the guys flaunt for you, then you ignore every single time a guy tries hitting on you. That's fucked up Tris." His hand is rubbing my thigh now and I want to puke. I try shoving him off but his grip just tightens. "Uhn uh, Tris. You aren't leaving until we have some fun!"
"You're drunk Robert, get off of me." I grunt out.
"No can do, Trissy." I have to get out of here. I have to pretend I like it so his grip will loosen and I can get the hell out of here. He starts kissing my neck which really wants to make me puke right on him. I pretend a moan and hope it sounds literal. He smirks against my neck so I think it did. "Mmm I knew you would enjoy it and some point, sweet cheeks." Gag. At that moment he kisses me harshly and it is so sloppy and slobbery it's like kissing a mop. I feel his grip start to loosen a bit so I push back just as much and It loosens completely and he sets it on my leg. He starts heading to my private so I take this time to jab my knee right into his manhood. He grunts and says a line of curse words I take that moment to grab my phone off my bed, grab my purse which is against the door. Then I dash out of there as fast as possible I heard him screaming my name as I was running out along with a line of profanities. As I was running I ran into one of the staff who happened to be a nice old lady. She looked at me wide eyed.
"Honey, slow down, stop crying!" I didn't even realize I was crying until now. she pulled me into a hug but I was afraid he was going to come running out the hall so I just stood there sobbing at what could have just happened.
"A guy! Tall! He just tried…" I drift off still sobbing. I have to go; I hope that Christina's car keys are in my purse or I'm screwed again! I need to stay at a hotel or something. I think the lady understands as her face gets serious and she takes off towards the hallway I just ran out of. I was going to scream her to be safe but I already took off running towards the exit. I can't tell Christina what happened or she would blame it on herself and I can't let her do that because there was no way of knowing this would happen.
End of flashback.
I know I have tears streaming down my face, but it's not all because I'm sad. I mean that happened so many years ago. But it just feels like such a relief to finally tell someone. I sneak a glance over at Tobias and his jaw is clenched and he has his fists rested on the table and he is squeezing them entirely too hard you can see the whites of his knuckles. I'm about to excuse myself from the table so I can go to the bathroom and get myself together. But he shoots out of his seat and comes over and yanks me out of my chair and pulls me into his arms.
He squeezes me extremely tight as if when he lets go, I'll be gone. It makes me sob harder. He is whispering calming, gentle, soothing words into my ears and I listen to his heartbeat by my ear and take in some deep breathes.
"You're save now, Tris. I won't let anyone hurt you, I promise." I can't help but feel an entirely different sense of comfort at those words. No matter how many times he hurt me, I believe him this time. He squeezes me hard one last time before releasing me. I know it seems extremely early since we practically just saw each other again after so many years but I love him. Even if I'm not sure what I want with him right now, I love him and I care about him. I'm not going to let a day go by without telling the people I love and care about that I love them. I have to start being truthful with my feelings to myself and others.
"I never really stopped loving you, Tobias…. Not even for a second. Even when I hated you." I looked away from him when I shared that information. I hate being vulnerable, but sometimes you just have to be spontaneous. I quickly glance up at him for a second. He is staring at me with admiration? Awe? Love?
"Say it again" he says.
"I never stopped loving you, Tobias." I say shyly.
He crushes me into another one of his bear hugs. And I hug him back just as strong.
"I love you too Tris. God, how I love you." He says into my hair.
He pulls back and gives me a kiss on the cheek. The cheek! He is still holding my hand and he sits back down. He is smiling brightly, "We are going to take this slow okay, Tris? I want it to be right this time. I'm in this for the long haul. I don't – I can't lose you again. I won't." we talk some more about random things. All of a sudden his face grows serious again as if he is remembering something. "Not to ruin the mood or anything, but, what ever happened to Robert." I tense up.
"Well he ran away before the nice old lady could make it. He fucking ran away Tobias! Like the fucking coward he is. He didn't even show back up to school after break! He just vanished. But every time I passed the lady on campus, she would give me this small smile and on one of the last days I was there she hadn't talked to me since that night except for a casual excuse me or a polite hello. But she had come up to me and handed me this newspaper and it said that he- "I tried stopping the tears from falling and had to pause to not let my anger flow out of me since we were in public, after all.
"The newspaper showed a picture of Robert and he had gotten arrested. He got arrested for rape, Tobias! He raped someone else! He actually did it, with me I got away. And what if we weren't the only two!? Oh my god I have felt so guilty I should have turned him in or something why didn't I? Why didn't I assume he would go off and do it again? God!" he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.
"Tris, Stop! It is in no way whatsoever your fault! Do you hear me? You couldn't have known! I just thank god you didn't get severely hurt!" I took a deep breath, he was right. It isn't your fault!
"And for all I care he could be dead right now! I sure hope he is, as bad of a person that makes me."
"It doesn't make you a bad person because I may as well be the one who kills him." He says. "Well I think we should go do something fun, if you're up for it?" he looks so hopeful.
"Of course." His smile grows.
"Great! Well, I'll go pay for this then we shall hit the road." He goes off to the front to pay, while I gather my coat and purse and stand up. he walks back over and grabs my hand which puts a smile on my face and I blush.
"I swear your smile is the most wonderful thing in the world. I remember the first time I ever saw your smile for a good few seconds. You were laughing and the corners of your mouth widened and your eyes sparkled. My heart melted at your happiness and I smiled like crazy back. The moment felt slower and longer than it should have been but that was when I learned how your smile was something really special." He said as he had a longing look on his face as he was in a dream and rewatching the entire interaction in front of him. I'm sure that my face looked as red as an orangutan's ass by now.
I just smiled up at him in return as he was already glancing at me again. "So soft-guy where are we headed for some fun?"
"I'm not soft." He grumbled pouting like a little kid when he doesn't get his way. I have to admit it was incredibly cute on him with his full lips. I looked away before I leaned over and kissed him. That would be embarrassing!
"Oh yeah, softie? Then what was that whole speech about my smile?" I teased him.
"Oh shut up." he mumbled but I could tell he was fighting a smile.
"Anyway, we are going rock climbing!" he said cheerfully.