Author: hopecrowe

Story: "Love Loss Hope Repeat"

Life is about cycles. The sleep cycle, the business cycle, the Krebs cycle…almost as if everything is constantly revolving in some predestined path. Sometimes what we see happening is so maddeningly repetitive, it feels impossible to break. How do we have say in anything, if life is all about repetition? It would be a whole lot easier to just go along for the ride and let your life take you where you will inevitably end up.

A few days had passed since the shooting at the hospital and Owen was growing restless without surgery. After another day of only paperwork, he gingerly lay back in bed next to Cristina, who was casually reading a medical journal. After making sure his injured arm was supported he let out a frustrated groan and looked over at her.

"Long day?" she asked, putting down the magazine.

"I became a surgeon to cut, not to get paper cuts…now I know how you felt without your cardio last year."

"Just dying to cut, aren't you?" Cristina shifted further down in bed so she was lying next to him and cupped his cheek with a mix of sympathy and amusement. Owen rarely owned up to his addiction to surgery the way that Cristina so openly did. On the rare occasion he had to face it, it always amused her to see. Owen liked to think he was more balanced than her when it came to surgery. He so wasn't.

"Yeah, and that wasn't even the worst of it. Torres comes out of nowhere and starts chewing my ear off about her and Robbins—whatever problems they're having. As if I haven't had to listen to it here for the past few days anyway." They both paused for a second and listened. In the quiet they could hear the faint sounds of a brewing argument in the next bedroom. Over the past few days they had grown weary of, yet accustomed to, hearing a mix of disagreement and loud sex from the room next door. Owen looked up at Cristina with a pained expression. "I only just left the military. I shove pens in people's throats. I never gossip. Do I look like someone who wants to hear about other people's relationship issues?" Owen turned on his side. "Cristina, I'm losing it. I can't live with three women anymore."

"Hey, they're annoying, but at least Callie cooks. And Arizona makes sure the alcohol is stocked." Cristina shrugged.

"Cristina, I'm trying to say…I think we should reconsider moving in together. I think we need our own space, that it would be good for us. Obviously, I have to ask Wyatt again since we've had some…more recent trauma. But I want you to think about it. Okay?"

"Okay," Cristina said, nodding slowly. She lightly combed her fingers through his hair and Owen closed his eyes. As he savored her gentle touch, she leaned in and gave him a light kiss. "I'll think about it. Sleep…and try not to dream about lesbian love problems."

Cristina walked into the hospital the next morning with a little extra hop in her step. Today was finally the day she would be scrubbing in on the Maze procedure. She had diagnosed the patient about a week ago, before the shooting. It was their gratitude and trust in Cristina that brought the patient and his wife back to Seattle Grace despite the recent headlines.

She strode into the patient's room with an uncharacteristically large smile on her face. Ben Augusta and his wife, Anna, met her with equally large smiles.

"There she is!" Ben said, clapping his hands a few times with Cristina entrance. "The doctor who changed my life."

"Actually we haven't changed it yet, but we'll get to that soon enough," Cristina said, swooping in and grabbing her patient's chart. "Been feeling okay this past week? No sore throats, colds, fevers?"

"Nope, been feeling great. Anna and I have been trying to plan out where our first trip should be." Cristina rarely cared about patients aside from what their organs might look like, but this one was different for her. She took immense pride in having properly diagnosed this patient when all his previous doctors had failed him. She had found an atrial fibrillation where other doctors just saw too much stress and caffeine. This was her patient, start to finish, and it connected her to Ben in a way that both alarmed and excited her. The surgery would be drastically changing his quality of life, and the couple was not shy in showing their appreciation.

"Really, I can't thank you enough," Anna said, her eyes misting up. "This is…like a dream. All these years we thought we couldn't have kids or travel because we were so worried that the stress would aggravate his palpitations…but now all that's changed. Dr. Yang…Thank you."

"Just doing my job…" She shrugged. "I have to prep Mr. Augusta for surgery now, if you wouldn't mind—"

"Oh no, of course…" Anna leaned down and gave Ben a kiss on the forehead. "I'll be in the cafeteria."

After finishing her rounds, as she had the past few days, Meredith walked into Derek's hospital room to check on him. Each time she opened the door to see him resting peacefully, or reading a book, she let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. The thought of losing had been all too real. As she walked in and opened his chart to check on his numbers, Derek put his book down on the table and cocked his head slightly to the side, examining her closely.

"Everything looks good. How are you feeling?" she asked, putting his chart back down and crawling next to him in bed for a few moments before having to go back downstairs.

"I'm feeling good. Slowly building strength back up. How are you?" he asked pointedly, taking a hand a brushing her bangs out of her face.

"I told you, I'm fine…we're fine."

"Meredith, are we ever going to actually talk about this?"

"I told you what happened…but beyond that, I…don't really want to talk about it."

"Meredith…" Derek pleaded. She leaned in against him and sighed, trying to compose herself.

"It was an accident, the pregnancy. It was this crazy, out-of-the-blue accident that I never thought I'd want or be excited about but that little time that I knew, I was…happy. I never thought that I would be happy." Derek stroked her back and nodded. "I never thought I'd want to be a mom…but even though it was only a few hours, I loved our baby a lifetime." Meredith's voice cracked. "And it hurts."

"I know," Derek said quietly, his voice unsteady. He kissed Meredith's forehead reassuringly. "But we have each other. That means something."

"That means everything," Meredith said, propping herself on her side to look Derek in the eyes. "Everything. Derek, I almost lost you. I thought I had lost you and it almost killed me. It killed our baby." Derek looked up at the ceiling and sighed, a few tears slipping out of his eyes.

"I…I'm sorry. I feel…awful. If I had—"

"If you had what? Managed to stop that bullet from hitting you? I'm—I'm just saying, it made me think."

"We'll come back from this. We'll get through it together." Derek took her hand in his and brought it to his lips.

"We will," Meredith agreed, smiling at him. She took a breath and looked at him apprehensively. Opening and closing her mouth several times, she finally spoke again. "Derek…I don't want to wait for another accident to give us a baby." Derek snapped his head to look her, their faces inches apart. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came. He only smiled and let a few happy tears fall.

Cristina walked into the scrub room to prep for Ben's surgery only to find Lexie there, scrubbing away vigorously at her hands. Cristina paused for a moment and noted with some concern just how roughly Lexie was rubbing at her arms.

"You're scrubbing in on the Maze too?"

"What?" she stammered, looking up in surprise. "Yeah, I'm…I was going to do a hernia repair with Bailey, but they pulled it at the last minute. So since I was already scrubbing in, Altman asked me to be on hand for this just in case you needed extra hands."

"Oh, okay…" Cristina was still eyeing Lexie's hands, but she turned away. There were a few more minutes of silence, and Cristina finished scrubbing in. She was about to walk into the OR, but she stepped back for a moment and looked back at Lexie's hands. "Don't get all weird on me, Three." Lexie let out a strained laugh and nodded.

A few hours later, Cristina finally stepped back and let out a breath of relief. It felt strange operating again after doing so a few days ago with a gun to her neck. But in the end, surgery was surgery and the fact that the human body still reacted the way she had learned was a comfort. Mr. Augusta's surgery took longer than anticipated, as there were a few serious but, not unexpected complications. But Teddy and Cristina made a great surgical team and he looked as though he would be fine after his weeks of rehabilitation. Lexie was now closing under supervision from Teddy, so Cristina glanced up to see Owen sitting in the gallery. His face was turned towards Shadow Shepherd, who was sitting beside him, and motioning animatedly towards the OR table with a grin. He was bragging about Cristina, that much was clear. She hadn't known that he was planning to watch and she felt her heart skip. Their eyes met and he gave her a smile that expressed both pride and love. She smiled back from underneath her mask and turned to leave. Teddy joined her moments later in the scrub room.

"You were great in there…" Teddy praised.

"Thanks, it was exhilarating."

"And you catching that atrial fibrillation in the first place…it's going to change his life. He has a second chance now. He gets to start over, a whole new life." Teddy took an extra deep breath, giving Cristina the impression that Teddy meant something more. "Maybe it will be painful starting out, with all that wasted time but, in the end…you gave him his life back. And no matter what he does now, it can only get better."

Cristina looked at her and nodded. A part of her would always love Teddy for being a great teacher to her and giving her the skills that kept everything together in the chaos of a few days ago, but another part of her would always harbor anger for her interference with Owen. Teddy dried off her hands and left the room. As Cristina dried off, Lexie finally walked in from the OR to scrub out.

"Good work in there."

"Thank you, Dr. Yang." Cristina left the room to find Owen standing in the hallway with a big grin on his face.

"That was amazing," he said, using his good arm to pull her into a kiss. "You're amazing."

"I know. All in a day's work for a Cardio God," Cristina responded, feigning nonchalance. But she promptly broke into a smile while looking up at him. "I didn't know you were coming…I'm glad you did."

"I wanted to surprise you. Plus...since I can't cut, this is the next best thing."

"Now who's the surgery whore? When are you going to learn there are more important things in life than surgery?"

"I'll show you one of those things when you come home later," Owen growled in her ear.

"Are you sure you're up for it? I mean, with your shoulder and all?" Her brow furrowed as she gently touched his healing wound.

"Cristina, we didn't do one-armed push-ups in the army for nothing…" A smile slowly spread across Cristina's face and Owen let out a low chuckle. "See you at home." He gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked back towards the lobby.

Back in the scrub room, quite a while later, Lexie was still scrubbing out when Jackson Avery walked in. She couldn't help but notice the way the light blue scrubs brought out his eyes. It was a welcome, though brief, respite from the haunting thoughts that had been following her the past few days. Lexie scrubbed and scrubbed, yet still she never felt clean.

"You want to get the germs off, not the skin," he noted, giving her a playful glance that turned serious when she wouldn't look over at him.

"I know that!" she snapped. "I just like to be thorough." She turned off the water and shook her hands. After a long beat, she turned the water back on and kept rinsing. Jackson wrinkled his brow in concern. He slowly took his hand and put it over Lexie's to stop their movement. He turned off her water and looked at her.

"I think you got it all," he said, earnestly. "Things were crazy a few days ago. Maybe you should talk to someone about it…talk out what happened to you or—"

"Nothing!" Lexie cried angrily. "Nothing happened to me. People got shot, people died, Alex was screaming in pain and…nothing happened to me. It was my fault anyone got hurt but nothing happened to me."

"It wasn't your fault that Clark just snapped. He was unstable. You had nothing to do with it."

"No. He specifically came for me. And Derek and Webber. He told me. I unplugged his wife. He wanted me, and somehow nothing happened to me." Lexie started crying. "It's like there's blood on my hands that just won't come off."

Jackson stared at her wide-eyed. Then he took a towel and dried off her hands.

"Your hands are clean. Okay? See?" he prompted, bending low to catch her eyes. Her eyes flickered to meet his, and she slowly nodded. "Now, let's get you a drink."

"Mr. Augusta, your transplant went as well as we could've hoped. Given your current condition, it was only natural that we hit a few bumps on the way, but ultimately things went very well." Cristina filled out a few more notes on his chart then unclicked her pen and stuck it back in her pocket with satisfaction.

Ben beamed up at Anna upon hearing the news and gave Cristina a grateful look. Anna gingerly placed her hand on his chest and a few tears of joy dripped down her cheek when she felt a steady thumping. She worded a silent thank you to Cristina, who simply nodded. A few seconds passed and the monitor's beep picked up ever so slightly in pace.

"Is that—is that bad? Are those the palpitations again?" Anna asked, pulling her hand away quickly. Cristina strode over to the monitor but just as she did, it resumed its steady beat.

"There's nothing wrong," Cristina said, giving Ben a knowing look.

"It's because you were touching me," Ben said sheepishly. "And I was thinking about how we can try to have a baby now." Cristina suddenly felt like a voyeur and made for a quick exit.

"Everything looks fine here. Just page a nurse if you feel any abnormal discomfort, particularly in your chest." They nodded and she closed the door behind her.

Cristina strode over to Meredith as she sat in the galley, leaning against the wall with a strange expression on her face.

"I took cardio badassness to a new degree today. I'm awesome." Cristina stated plainly, plopping herself on the gurney next to Meredith. Cristina closed her eyes with a satiated grin.

"You are awesome," Meredith said, smiling at her friend's happiness. There would never be a way for her to express the gratitude she had for what Cristina did in the OR with Derek. No words could express the awe and love she felt for Cristina in sacrificing everything to save someone just because she knew they were so important to Meredith. So much about their friendship was ineffable. Still, this went beyond dancing it out and getting drunk in her bathroom together. Meredith watched her basking in the glow of her latest surgery and felt vicarious pleasure. Cristina eyes soon opened as if waking up from a trance.

"So you paged, what's up?"

"Oh yeah. Well, I only have a few minutes, my patient will be out of CT any second. But I have to tell you—" Meredith grinned so wide it interrupted her. "I needed to tell you that I'm trying again. Well, we're trying again. Well, really trying for the first time. But we're going to try and…and get pregnant again."

"Wow…" Cristina said, a smile spreading across her face. Oddly, she wasn't as surprised as she ought to be. It just felt right. "Well, I'm glad you're ditching the 'thing'. I liked the idea of being a godmother."

Meredith pager went off. She immediately pulled on her white coat and started walking away.

"Good, because sooner or later it's going to happen!" Meredith called back to her as she disappeared around the corner. Cristina sat back against the wall. Godmother. The first time she had heard the news, she had had only a short time to think about it before everything had fallen apart, but now she could really think about it, taste it, digest it. She did like the idea…a little kid that would have way-too-pretty hair and probably a high capacity for whining. So maybe the kid wouldn't be so strong genetically, but Cristina could be there to nurture the good little McBaby to overcome that. She didn't much care for the title though, "godmother". Cristina was not big on God, unless it had the word "cardio" preceding it. She'd be much more comfortable with the job if it had nothing to do with God. But that just left…mother. Cristina felt something catch in her throat. For a second, the image of a little girl with her hair and Owen's eyes popped in her head. She felt her heart racing at the thought. A few moments later, as her pager went off, she felt a mix of relief and sadness as the image fled.

She peeked down at her pager to see "911". Cristina jumped to her feet and set out for Ben's room at a run.

"911? What happened?" Cristina asked, entering the room just as Teddy called time of death. Cristina's eyes grew wide as she tried to take in the whole scene and process what had happened. The crash cart was packing up, Teddy was hanging her head, and Anna was standing in the corner, covering her face with her hands and violently shaking.

"Blood clot." Teddy said quietly to Cristina, trying not to further upset Anna. "I went over the whole procedure in my head and I know we didn't do anything wrong. It was just unlucky. With his condition, he was prone to them. We knew he wasn't the healthiest guy going in, but it was the best shot he had." Cristina nodded, but found herself staring at the crumpled, sobbing mess that was the patient's widow. Nurse Tyler was walking over to her and helping her into a chair. Anna's silent tears morphed into cries of anguish that reminded Cristina of the sound in her head when she saw Owen fall to the floor after being shot. She suddenly felt nauseous and left the room.

The rest of the day went by both fast and slow. The loss had hit Cristina hard and for once, she just wanted to leave the hospital. After her shift ended, Cristina walked back over to the apartment and threw her keys down on the table. Rolling her eyes at the yelling coming from Callie's room, she kept walking towards her room while taking off her jacket. She found Owen lying in bed watching a soccer game. Throwing her jacket to the side, she strode quickly to the bed. She sat down next to Owen and pulled his face, bringing his lips to hers. Owen was momentarily taken aback, but quickly met her with equal vigor. After a few moments of heated exchange, she pulled away and slid next to him in bed.

"Um, tough day?"

"You could say that…It's been one of those days where even I forget why I love this job."

"What happened to your patient?"

"Lost him…blood clot." It was all Cristina could stomach saying. Anna's wailing still echoed in her ears. Owen sighed and gave her a kiss in the crook of her neck as she slid her side back against his. He just held her for several minutes, slowly rubbing her arm.

"Well aren't you glad you have this to come home to?" Owen asked.

"Awfully full of yourself today, aren't you?"

"Oh, I didn't mean me…I meant that" he clarified, pointing to Callie's room. Cristina groaned as they listened, once again, to an argument next door.

"I can't believe this! You said you wanted kids! You said you couldn't live without them or me, now you changed your mind?"

"I just don't think it's right to have a kid when only one parent really wants to be a parent. I know you'll be a great mother, but I won't be and I don't want to be! You said you would be okay with just me and no kids, so who made the decision we would have kids?"

"I can't believe this…here we are, back at square freaking one!"

"And of course it's heartless Arizona's fault because she won't experimentally pop a few kids out and 'see how it goes'"

"Maybe it is—"

Cristina flopped over and shoved a pillow over her head.

"Oh my god, make them stop!" she groaned, her voice muffled from the pillow.

"Hey, don't look at me," Owen said, flipping through another channel after raising the volume on their television. "I learned a long time ago not to get in between two women who are fighting."

"Okay, seriously. We can't do this. We're adults. We have jobs, we have money…and we'll need more space eventually anyway…you know." Owen turned to her curiously.

"What are you saying, Cristina?"

"I'm saying maybe we should start looking for our own place."

Are we all slaves to repetition? Benjamin Franklin once said that the definition of insanity was doing the exact same thing and expecting a different result. So maybe the problem is us. We do the same things and expect to miraculously fall out of seemingly endless cycles. But if we make decisions and dedicate ourselves to a different outcome, things can change. We have to fight our way out of destructive cycles. All we can do is fight against them and hope that our outcome changes, that we will end up somewhere new and unexpected… Somewhere happy.