Author: angelamermaid

Something To Talk About

Doctors look for the facts. They don't want to deal with 'maybe' or 'possibly'. They want to look at an x-ray or test results, and know exactly what has to be done. They don't want to bring emotions into the process. That's dangerous - by ignoring feelings, they may miss something essential to the diagnosis and solution.

The sound of a door slamming woke Cristina and Owen up at the same time.

"Oh god," Cristina moaned, looking at her clock. "How long is this going to continue?"

"Dunno," Owen mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "I'm seeing Dr Wyatt this morning, I'll talk to her about the moving in together."

"Good!"

"And I'm going to see Shadow Shepherd about my shoulder," he added. "Hopefully I can get rid of the sling soon, I'm tired of doing everything with one hand."

"You've been doing fine so far," she grinned, placing a hand on his bare chest. "Last night was – inventive."

"I aim to please," he smiled. He leaned over for a kiss – that was interrupted by pounding on the bedroom door.

Cristina sighed and pulled the blankets up to cover her nudity. "Come in."

Callie entered the room, sniffling. Her eyes widened as she saw the scene before her. "Sorry!"

"What do you want?" Cristina asked as Owen turned a little pink and attempted to pull the blanket higher with his free hand.

"Um – we'll talk later," Callie said decisively, turning and leaving the room.

"You could have let me put a shirt on," Owen grumbled.

"I wanted her to see that there are two other people in the apartment who have lives outside of her drama," Cristina shrugged. "For now, anyways."

Lexie was reviewing some notes on her clipboard at the nurses' station in Peds when April rushed up.

"Good, I'm not late," April panted. "I stopped by Dr Shepherd's room, he's looking better."

Lexie raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth to speak when Dr Robbins rushed up, with a big happy smile.

"Good morning!" Arizona beamed.

"Good morning," the doctors echoed, Lexie looking at April warily. Arizona briefly wondered what was going on, before she started reviewing the patients they would be visiting on rounds. She was so tired of having the same fight with Callie, that she could have had Yang on her service this morning and not cared at all.

Cristina entered Owen's office, where he was seated and looking at a piece of paper.

"Hey," he smiled.

"So how did it go? Did we get a green light on moving in?"

Owen shrugged. "We got a yellow light."

"What?"

He sighed and held up the paper. "I have this list –"

"Not the three-word thing again?" Cristina exclaimed. "Owen, I can't do that crap."

"It's not three words," he assured her. "Look – we just need to discuss some topics, to pave the way the way for better communication, clear the air. Dr Wyatt gave me a list of things we should talk about."

"Let me see," she said, impatiently grabbing the paper. "'An Iraq story'. The ambush?"

He shook his head. "Just – any story from Iraq, good or bad."

"There are good stories?"

He half-smiled. "We weren't under fire all of the time."

"Okay." She resumed reading. "'Describe your ideal vacation'. You, me, nude beach in Hawaii. Done. 'Children'? What children? Do you have any kids I don't know about?"

"Not that I know of," he chuckled. "Our children."

"Who said we're having children?"

"This is what we need to talk about," he said. "Do you want to be Callie and Arizona?"

"Hell no." Cristina nibbled her bottom lip. "But we're only talking about moving in. Now you want to talk about children?"

"You said that you don't want kids," Owen said. "I would like to talk about that."

"When did I say that?"

"During that surgery, when Callie was starting to go baby crazy. Teddy asked if you wanted children and you said, 'have you met me?'"

"I did?"

"Yes," Owen said.

"Oh." Cristina felt her panic levels rising – all she wanted to do was move in with Owen, not talk.

"I just want to know more about that," he assured her.

"Why do I have to talk?" Cristina said. "You're the one in therapy."

"You're the one that's going to have to live with me," he smiled. "We have to be able to talk about the important stuff, when we're not having all the loud wild sex we can."

She grinned. "We'll be able to do it anywhere, anytime, without an audience. We could do it right now …"

Owen chuckled. "Why don't you want kids?"

"Why don't you want sex?"

"I always want sex," he replied huskily, placing his free hand on her waist. "But I also want to talk about this."

Cristina frowned, then smiled as the timer on his watch went off.

"Time for my appointment with Shadow Shepherd," Owen sighed. "I'm not letting this go."

"Page me after," was all that Cristina said.

"I like Peds," April said, as she and Lexie left a patient's room together. "Dr Robbins is so nice."

"When she's not changing her mind," Callie said in passing. The two residents stared briefly at her, then shrugged.

"Is there any doctor that you don't like?" Lexie asked as they continued down the hallway.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I think you know what I mean," Lexie told her. "You were practically making goo-goo eyes at Dr Robbins. And why were you 'checking up' on my brother-in-law?"

"Because he asked me to stop by," April replied, stunned.

"Sure he did."

April gaped, then quickly looked attentive as Arizona approached them.

"I just got paged," the attending announced. "We have a possible appendectomy coming in. You two can scrub in if you like – if you're sure you want to be surgeons, and aren't just dabbling." She continued walking down the hall.

"What is going on?" April asked Lexie, who shrugged.

Cristina met Owen in the nearest on call room after he paged her. She sighed to see him sitting on a bed, left arm still incapacitated..

"I thought you were going to lose the sling," she said.

"My shoulder is healing well," he assured her. "I'm cleared to start physical therapy. I'm looking forward to it, the muscles are getting stiff."

"That's good." She paused. "Any – other side effects? Numbness? Shakiness?"

"Nope." He smiled and patted the bed beside him. "I'm not going to bite."

She nodded quietly and sat down beside him.

Owen swallowed. "I want you to know how I feel about having children, before we move in together. And I don't think that my feelings are going to break us up – relax."

"Okay," she said, still feeling tense.

"I'm grateful for what we have, that you'll still have me in your life," he said. "If all I can have in the future is you, and just you, I'd die a happy man."

"Oh." Cristina felt surprise and panic. Now he was talking about a lifetime, and all she wanted was to move in together.

"I have to say the rest." He drew in a deep breath. "I've always assumed I would have children. I like kids. One of the things that drew me to Beth was that we had the same goals. Marriage and children. It was easy to imagine having kids with her. It was easy to imagine being a father."

Owen looked down at the floor. "And then everything went to hell. I'm so wrapped up with trying to come to terms with the past that it's hard for me to imagine the future. But somehow I keep dreaming about it. I dream about you and I, growing older together. I dream that there could be a time when we'll have a child together."

He glanced up at her. "I'm not talking about anything in the near future. I'm going to need to go through a lot more therapy before that can happen. I need to face my past and resolve how it's impacting my present, before I can even think about the future. I'm not saying I want to have a baby right now, I'm saying it would be a very bad idea at this time."

"Agreed." Cristina stared straight ahead.

"I'm not going through therapy to be a good father. I'm doing it to be a better man, for myself and for you," he assured her.

"I think you could be a good father," she said honestly.

"I want to be," he said. "I want to be the kind of father that listens to his child, that can speak openly with his kid without being held back by PTSD. I want to play catch with my child and I want to bandage skinned knees and I want to read bedtime stories. I want to be there when our child graduates from medical school, if there is a child."

She stared at him, recalling a vision she'd had recently - of a young girl with her hair and Owen's eyes. The image seemed a little clearer. The girl was now wearing a baseball uniform. Cristina gulped.

Owen sighed. "Most importantly, I want to be able to fall asleep on the couch holding my baby and not ever worry about hurting it."

Cristina closed her eyes, awash with strange emotions of longing and sadness.

"That's what I want," he mumbled, still looking at the floor. "But I have one more thing to say - ."

She looked at him. He held her gaze and continued. "Cristina, you've got great momentum happening in your residency, you're brilliant and you're just starting to achieve your full potential. Making a baby is a decision to be made together, and that's a decision that can be made years from now. I would leave it up to you to decide when the time is right. I would do everything to support you and to take care of a baby, but I would be happy and grateful just to grow old with you."

"Damn it," Cristina whispered.

He looked confused. "Excuse me?"

"You're being mature," she muttered. "Stop it."

He chuckled. "Cristina, I am far from perfect."

"You're closer than you think." She leaned her head against his shoulder.

"Your turn," Owen said.

Her eyes flew open. "What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me what you want," he said softly, taking her hand. "I just want to know what you want."

"I want to be a Cardio Goddess," she said.

"What did you want to be when you were a little girl?"

"A Cardio Goddess."

"And?"

"And I want to make out with you," she murmured, lifting up her head to kiss him. "You told me that you want children. You can cross it off of your list now."

He looked at her for a long moment. "We are both supposed to say what we want."

"I just told you," she replied, cupping his face with her hands.

"Do you want children?" Owen asked. "Not now, but in the future?"

She glared at him. "I want to move in with you. That's as far in the future as I want to think about. Now kiss me."

He drew back. "Answer the question, Cristina."

The door flew open . Callie and Arizona stumbled in, kissing each other fervently.

"Seriously?" Cristina yelled, catching their attention. "Can't we have any break from you two?" She stood up and made a hasty retreat from the on call room and Owen's questions.

"He's talking about having kids?" Meredith laughed as Cristina scowled at her. They were seated in the cafeteria, having lunch.

"So not funny," Cristina growled, before taking a bite of her sandwich. "I just want to move in with him and have indiscriminate sex without lesbians in the way. He wants to discuss feelings."

"Don't you talk?" Meredith looked concerned. "I mean – you don't have to tell me anything personal, but you've been through a lot with the choking and Teddy and everything. Tell me you talk about something other than surgery."

"We've talked about the choking," Cristina confided. "And now he has to talk to me about Iraq, good or bad. Which is good, because the more he talks about it, the healthier he is. I just don't want to talk about my baggage. And I like to talk about surgery."

Meredith paused. "I'm guessing he doesn't know about your pregnancy history then?"

Cristina snorted. "He didn't even know about the failed wedding until Mark let it slip. I suppose he should know about the ectopic pregnancy. Maybe I can get someone to tell him about it." She looked at Meredith hopefully.

"No," her friend said with a smile. "That's your job."

"The things I have to do for indiscriminate sex," Cristina sighed. "I could page Mark, see if he's free to spill some more of my secrets. No wait – he wasn't there. Derek isn't doing anything, he can tell Owen."

"Cristina - what are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid that Owen is a Callie," Cristina admitted. "That babies are a deal-breaker."

"You just told me that he said he'd be happy with just you," her friend pointed out.

"And what if he said that because he thinks that's what I want to hear and he thinks that some magic day, I'll want to have a baby? What is he going to think when he hears what happened before?"

"He's going to therapy for you," Meredith sighed. "I'm not his biggest fan yet, but I can see that he's trying. He took a bullet for you. Talk to him."

"Or! Or! What if knocking me up is a way of keeping me submissive?" Cristina starting to feel panicked again.

"What are you going on about?" Meredith demanded. "Talk to him."

"Talk to who?" They looked up to see Jackson approaching with a tray. Meredith cleared a spot for him as Cristina said, "Nobody."

"Ah." Jackson sat down. "Well, it should be easy to talk to nobody then."

"Excuse us," Cristina said. "We were having a private conversation."

"I was telling you to do the obvious thing," Meredith corrected. "And now we've been joined by our new friend Jackson."

"Perhaps your new friend Jackson can offer a neutral opinion?" Avery smiled.

Cristina took another bite of her sandwich and pointedly said nothing. She was definitely grateful for Avery's actions on the day of the shootings, but he hadn't earned her trust.

Jackson pretended to be hurt. "Fine. Ignore me. Talk as if I weren't here."

"Cristina doesn't want to tell Owen something important from her past because she thinks it will be a deal-breaker," Meredith informed Jackson.

"That's crazy!" Avery exclaimed. "He took a bullet for you!"

"Thank you!" Meredith high-fived Jackson.

"I don't think that will be the deal-breaker," Cristina sighed. Then frowned, thinking about Owen's reaction to assisted suicide. "Do you think it would be? That I wanted to get the you-know-what?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "He. Got. Shot. For. You."

"As your new friend –" Jackson paused as Cristina raised an amused eyebrow. "I have observed that Dr Hunt cares very deeply for you. I have also observed him take a bullet for you. I have observed him watching you perform the greatest surgery of your career so far with immense pride in your accomplishments. A lot of guys get bent out of shape when their girlfriends get all of the surgical glory. Your Dr Hunt suggested to me that my grandfather, the Harper Avery, would be very interested in hearing about your surgery on Dr Shepherd. Talk to him."

Cristina blinked at Jackson, realizing that he was making sense without being annoying. For once. And she was touched to hear that Owen was taking so much pride in her work. "You may call me Cristina," she told him with a satisfied smile.

He grinned and held up his carton of milk. "Friends?"

The women held up their coffee cups in a toast. "Friends."

April and Lexie found themselves all alone in the locker room at the end of their shift. Lexie eyed April, wondering if she'd be dropping by Derek's room again.

"You don't have to look at me like that," April said defiantly. "You will never have to worry about how I look at Dr Shepherd again."

"Really?" Lexie snorted.

"Really," the other woman replied. "Meredith miscarried in front of me, Lexie. Things are different."

Lexie turned white. "She – did? I thought that was something that happened in private."

April shook her head. "She started to miscarry while we were treating Dr Hunt. He told her to stop working on him, so she could have some privacy and I could treat him. But she wouldn't. She said she had to take care of Cristina's guy. So she bled and bled while she treated his wound."

Lexie's eyes filled with tears.

April continued. "After Dr Hunt was taken care of, he insisted that she let me examine her and make sure there were no complications. He turned his back and faced the wall and didn't look. He wanted to go be with Dr Yang but he stayed to make sure Meredith was okay. She wasn't alone, but we did as much for her that she would allow."

"Thank you for taking care of her," Lexie whispered.

"We are friends now. I dropped by Dr Shepherd's room to see him and Meredith at their request." April looked at Lexie evenly. "So you don't have to play watchdog on me any more."

"Okay."

The two women looked at each other.

"Want to go to Joe's and drink some beer?" Lexie offered shyly.

"I'd love to," April beamed.

"Good news," Cristina announced as she met Owen outside of the hospital. "Callie is going to Arizona's place tonight."

He just smiled and kissed her in greeting.

"You – do want to come home with me tonight?" Cristina asked.

"Yes," he said. "Of course."

"Good."

Owen winced as Cristina helped him remove his jacket at her apartment. "It's getting really stiff," he groaned.

"That's what she said," she quipped, earning a delighted grin from Owen.

"I think you should get into a nice hot bath," she decided, guiding him to her bathroom. "Relax that shoulder. Your wound has closed now, you can soak all you want."

"Do you have Epsom salts?" Owen asked, as he let himself be led along.

"No. But I have that vanilla sandalwood stuff you like."

"Good," he grinned. "I don't want to smell – pretty."

She chuckled as she turned on the faucets in her bathtub. Then she helped him undress.

"I'm waiting to hear what you want," he reminded her, as she helped him settle into the scented bubbly bathwater.

"I'm going to tell you," she informed him. "After you relax that shoulder."

Owen smiled and nodded, satisfied. Then he grinned as she started to undress herself. He settled back into the tub to watch her disrobe.

"We should talk about what we want for our place," she said as she wriggled out of her underwear. "Like a bathtub that's bigger than this one."

"I don't know about that," Owen said, using his good arm to support her while she carefully stepped in, on top of him. "It's not so bad that this one doesn't have a lot of room."

"There are advantages," she admitted with a devious smile, facing him as she settled onto his lap. "How is your arm?"

"Feels okay," he sighed, sliding down a bit to accommodate her.

"Now relax," she murmured, before kissing him. She carefully wrapped her arms around his neck, avoiding his left shoulder, as their tongues danced and mated. His hands gripped her waist, before moving down to squeeze her buttocks.

"Raise up a bit," he whispered. As she complied, he took a breast into his mouth, his teeth and tongue stimulating her aching nipple. His right hand reached down to start caressing her, gently inserting one, then two, fingers inside her.

Cristina moaned happily, running her fingers through his wet hair. His fingers found that sweet spot inside, causing her to clench and buck.. She could feel him grin against her breast and she kissed the top of his head.

Slowly, he teased her to the brink of bliss, his mouth moving back and forth between her breasts. Cristina mourned the loss of his talented fingers when he withdrew them, even as she raised herself to help him guide his rock-hard cock inside her sacred place. With soft gasps and sighs, they moved together to find a steady rhythm, his fingers sliding down again to stimulate her. It didn't take long for her to shatter, collapsing against him with quivering legs, as he moved his hips to drive up into her, harder. His fingers continued to work her while his mouth was everywhere, and she fell apart again as he finally climaxed, arching up and spurting deep within.

Panting, she moved so she was sitting sideways on his legs, leaning against his right shoulder. He gently kissed her forehead as she idly traced circles in the water on his chest, slowly returning to reality.

"When I -" she started, then paused, to gather her thoughts. "When I first started with Burke – it wasn't really dating, it was more like a fling."

Owen held his breath, ready to hear what Cristina had to tell him.

"And then he broke up with me, to focus on his career. He was gunning for the Chief's position, he couldn't fool around with an intern anymore."

"What?" Owen scowled. "What kind of a jerk does stuff like that?"

"Please," Cristina said. "I tried to trade you in the name of my career. It's okay."

Owen sighed. "Carry on."

"So – since he had broken up with me, I saw no reason to tell him that I was pregnant and wasn't keeping it."

Owen's eyes widened at hearing that she'd been pregnant before – something he hadn't considered – but he said nothing, letting her talk.

"I did not want to have the baby. The timing was all wrong and I didn't want the responsibility. So I scheduled an abortion. Before my appointment, I passed out because it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. I lost the baby and a fallopian tube."

Owen's hand gently took one of hers, noting how her voice was a little shaky.

"I never wanted to have kids. I did not want to be pregnant. But the way that the pregnancy ended - I was not happy. It was a terrible thing."

She looked at him then, fearing judgement and hoping for acceptance. His eyes were calm.

"Thank you for sharing that with me," he said quietly.

"You're - not mad?"

He frowned. "About what? That you weren't a virgin when we met? Neither was I."

She leaned her forehead against his shoulder. "That I didn't want to keep it."

He gripped her hand. "Cristina, that was your choice. I'm for choices."

She looked at him again. "But when Teddy's patient - Kim - chose assisted suicide, you were against that."

He looked down. "That - was about Iraq. It was about Dan."

She looked sorrowful. "Dan who made you let go?"

"Yes. I've been talking about that with Dr Wyatt, trying to sort everything out, seeing the difference between Dan's choice and Kim's choice. I have a lot of issues, but not with a woman's right to choose. I performed a few of those procedures in Iraq, you know."

"I did not know that."

He nodded. "That's the problem. I don't tell you anything about what happened there."

"Tell me something, Owen. Anything."

"I can't start the conversation. The words won't come out."

"Oh, and my history is easy to discuss? I almost asked Derek to tell you about my past pregnancy, since Meredith wouldn't." Cristina moved herself so that her back was against his chest, leaning her head on his right shoulder. "Take your time."

"I'm frustrated," he mumbled, sliding his good arm around her waist. "I hate that I can't say everything that I need to say."

They sat there in silence for a few moments.

Cristina drew in a deep breath. "The next time I get pregnant, if there is a next time, it will be when we say the time is right."

Owen felt a lightness within his chest. "So – maybe there will be a next time?"

"Maybe," she said candidly. "I – see it as a possibility. I liked what you said about the father you want to be. And together we could produce the greatest surgeon ever. Besides me. But not now. Right now having a baby is scary and not something that I want."

"I don't want a baby right now either," he assured her, feeling ridiculously happy.

"Have we talked enough about this?"

Owen chuckled and kissed her cheek. "Yes. We can cross it off of my list. Thank you."

"Tell me something about Iraq. Tell me what kinds of cases you had that weren't trauma," she suggested.

"Well, that's where I learned how to fix a broken penis."

"Really? You know how to do that?"

"Yes. Sex was one way the troops relieved their tension. This one guy ..."

Surgeons don't want to hear how a patient is feeling emotionally. They prefer the physical symptoms. But sometimes, what is hidden deep inside is the very thing that needs to be exposed, to bring about healing and wholeness.